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-=-=-=-=-=-=-
s Guide Volume ][
Compiled by
Ctrl-Reset
Originally made on the Apple.
An overrated, overpriced
piece of Junk.
Edited for the Commodore 64
with additions by,
<<<2001>>>
As stated in the first edition of
The Real Pirate's Guide, there are a
lot of pirates; unfortunately, a vast
majority of them are morons. For this
reason, these 'guides' have been as-
sembled to aid in the growth and matur
ity of the younger pirate generation.
Which brings us to the golden rule of
pirating:
REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OLD!
(Exceptions are very rare!)
What follows is a compendium of some
of ideals and morals a Real Pirate
should possess. Note that some have
been taken over from the first Guide
because of their high value, and
because these rules are still widely
knocked around.
SOFTWARE
========
Real Pirates can appreciate the
difference between Dual and Joust.
Real Pirates have long-since deleted
Trashman, Sexacuda, Flight 64,
Cosmos, Lawn Mower, Adventure!,
and still couldn't couldn't care
about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI,
and especially not Scott Adams.
Corollary: Real Pirates would jump
at the chance to 'help' Adventure
International go Chapter 11.
Real Pirates aren't obsessed with
collecting all the Trillum Adventure
games.
Real Pirates respect the programming
and creative talents of those working
for Broderbund, Infocom, and
Electronic Arts, and congratulate
them on a valiant attempt to make money.
Real Pirates didn't get excessively
excited upon the release of
Soft-Porn Adventure, Strip Poker, or
anything of the sort.
Real Pirates respect the efforts of
other pirates to sell his or her own
programs, but would distribute them
at the drop of a hat.
Real Pirates pirates aren't just
learning machine language, they think
and live it.
Real Pirates don't contemplate why
Atari sucks.
Corollary: Real Pirates just know it.
Real Pirates know that Sir Vielant
is the biggest looser of all the 14
years olds on ANY CMBBS.
Real Pirates aren't anticipating the
release of the Ultima XXIV any time
soon.
Real Pirates know that Lord British
is not the Monarch of any European
empire.
Real Pirates play Impossible Mission.
BBSs
====
When posting a message, Real Pirates
can differentiate between: z and s,
ph and f, 2 and two, u and you, 0 and
O, 4 and for, & there and their.
Corollary: Real Pirates have long
since had the ability to punctuate,
spell and construct clear, well
organized sentences.(With the
exception of typos.)
Corollary to the corollary: Real
Pirates aren't constantly searching
for new ways to spell WARES.
Real Pirates don't use the prefix
"k-" (ie. k-k00l, k-awesome, k-mart).
Real Pirates use lower case.
Corollary: Real Pirates don't type
in all caps.
Real Pirates don't use text graphics.
Real Pirates don't use imbedded back-
spacing to backspace over their name
50 million times.
Real Pirates don't post 'I have' msgs
, when they really don't have.
Real Pirates don't try to impress
others with their superior ability to
add many carriage returns or corsor
downs at the end of a message, thus
preventing anyone from reading the
last few lines.
Real Pirates don't brag about people
they know, or clubs they are in to
the point of becoming obnoxious.
Real Pirates don't obtain their
phreak codes from the local 'Super
-Elite Hack Board.'
Real Pirates use the latest version
of SuperColorTerm.
Real Pirates, when trading with other
Real Pirates, are not concerned about
matching everything the other pirate
sends them.
Real Pirates are happy to send wares
to other Real Pirates simply because
they are in the same business. (ie.no,
'I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides').
Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to
print-out their goodbye message.
Corollary: Real Pirates hang up
before then.
Corollary to the Corollary: Real
Pirates don't need to look for other
'X-cellent Pirate BBs' in the goodbye
message.
Real Pirates always have a copy of
New Punter and Copy Q ][ handy.
Real Pirates don't end their messages
with, leave e-mail to [xxx xxx], or
anything of the sort.
Corollary: Real Pirates don't
respond to such messages, and in no
way use them as a means to get 'new
wares'.
Real Pirates aren't found to frequent
the local 'War board' except to grind
some 13 year old TI user or Sir
Vielant type or other little wimp
into the dust.
Real Pirates don't have to ask if
you have New Punter.
Corollary: Real Pirates assume
everyone has it.
Real Pirates don't make threats of
violence against others through the
phone lines. After all, how is
someone living in Acron, Ohio going
to 'beat the living shit out of'
someone living in Waco, Texas? (Not
through Zap Mail, that's for sure.)
Real Pirates know that the
disclaimers often stuck in by BBS
sysops do little more then waste
20-40 bytes of RAM.
Real Pirates don't post messages
telling us what is 'old', so they can
fill some space, thus making it look
like they actually had a reason to
post something relavent.
Real Pirates don't think it's keen to
be able to put '/ex' on a line by
itself, and have it included in the
message.
Real Pirates have a 'sixth sense'
that tells them which board to post a
certain message on(ie. no 'new wares'
messages on the Story Of ??? Board).
Real Pirates can spot a 64Exchange
or HAL BBS miles away.
(God they are horrible!)
Corollary: Real Pirates realize that
64Exchange is not a BBS.
Corollary to the Corollary: Real
Pirates realize 64Exchanges don't have
message bases.
GROUPS/NAMES
============
Real Pirates names aren't parodies of
other known pirates (ie. The Bandit
Boys, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey,
etc.).
Real Pirates names have no
association to any type of music
whatsoever (ie. Green Manalishi, The
Scorpion,etc.).
Never is the prefix 'Krack', or
'Crack' found in a Real Pirates name
unless they actually can crack.
Real Pirates know that R.P.G does not
stand for Role Playing Games. It
stands for the Infamous Real Pirates
Guide!
Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace,
The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
Pac-Rat, The Wrench, The Caretaker,
The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,
Happy Hacker, Sir Vielant, Blue Adept
or Der Fuhrer.
MISCELLANEOUS
=============
When talking with a Real Pirate on
the phone, you can be assured of not
hearing Culture Club or the Pointer
Sisters being played stridently in
the background.
Real Pirates are not offended by
articles in NewsWeek simply because
they make a few dorogatory remarks
about BBS/modem users, and do not use
this weak reason for making the
author's life miserable.
Real Pirates weren't dissapointed
when Fantasy Island was cancelled,
and didn't worry whether or not the
Cuban midget would ever get another
job.
Real Pirates would like to see a
final episode of The Love Boat, where
Vicky absent-mindidly throws a lighted
joint next to a propane tank, causing
the ship to go up in a terrific
display of fire and smoke, whilst
seeing the heads and bodyparts of
'your crew' scattered about the water.
Real Pirates watch Saturday Night
Live, Miami Vice, etc...
Real Pirates just don't give a damn!
======================================
Well, that's it. For now. If you were
at all offended by anything in this
article, that's your que to retire
from pirating, because after all:
Real Pirates aren't offended by
things contained in text files.
I would like to thank POL for
his helpful contributions and input.
Changes for Commodore and other
additions and editing by 2001.