💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › humor › ozarks.hum captured on 2020-10-31 at 18:01:14.
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A LITTLE KNOWN CASTLE IN THE OZARKS My wife and I took ourselves and the kids to the Ozarks last weekend. Now, this is obviously going to take some explaining. First of all, the Ozarks are mountains in Missouri, but, like almost everything else in that fine state, they are somewhat paradoxical. Missouri is a state of contradictions and the Ozarks are not exempt. In what other state do you have the reigning World Series champs AND the runners-up? Well, the Ozarks are mountains you drive downhill to get to. No lie. I don't know the geological terms, but you just tend to sink down into the Ozarks and, sure enough, they are mountains. Now, to Ozark aficionados, these mountains which are interlaced by a fine series of lakes, are the chic place to get away from it all. Back in 1906, a Kansas City businessman fell (not literally) in love with the topography in an area now known as the Ha Ha Tonka State Park. This guy decided to erect a 60-room castle atop one of the Ozarks' mountains, hopeful that he would be able to retire in peace from the hectic life of urban, turn-of-the-century Kansas City. (Ha!) He started work on the castle in 1906. Stone was quarried on the spot and hauled upslope by rail. It was tough work and he didn't live to see his aerie completed. He was killed in, of all things, an auto accident. His son finished the castle in '22 and lived there for a few years. Later, after the crash of '29, a lady bought the place and turned it into a hostel. That turned out to be a crackerjack idea except the place burned down in the '40s and is now in a state of ruin. So. Me and my wife, our four-year-old and our two-year-old headed to the Ozarks for a get-away-from-it-all weekend and found our way to Ha Ha Tonka and the castle. The highlight of our visit was the attempt by our younger son to walk backward up a nature trail. I was not amused. The lowlight was staying four feet from the water in a fine cove without a boat. Underneath a good part of the Ozarks' mountains are caverns. Missouri is replete with caverns, as any fan of Mark Twain's would know. We ventured into one called the Bridal Cave since it was close by. Both of the kids were nonplussed by the subterranean climate but, by then, I was inured to their antics. The Bridal Cave has scored nearly 900 weddings, although the frequency of marriages has declined in recent years. They'd make more money if they called it the Divorce Cave, since that was what I was a step away from because of the funky fettle my wife's kids were in. Everyone knows the kids are mine only when they're good. The Ozarks region is famed for the high incidence of hand crafted baskets and pottery, much of it hand crafted in Taiwan. It would also seem an unlikely place for fast food chains to sprout but those eagle-eyed brats found every one of them. Nevertheless, we had a pretty good time not boating, fishing and relaxing. We enjoyed driving the alley-oop roads until one of the kids decided to get car sick. Still, a castle in the Ozarks is not everyday stuff and few people are aware of the Ha Ha Tonka castle (no relation to the toy company). Stop down--or up--to the castle whenever you might be around Camdenton just 15 miles from the dam which keeps all those hollows filled up with water and fish. Let me know if your kid can hike backward up that cliffside nature trail, will you?