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File ??? ? ?? ????? Written March 23th, 1993
#040 ? ?ig ?ong ??? ?nd ? ?airy
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Presents
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"The Great Phreak Conspiracy"
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Lemuel
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It's a famous story in the Computer Underground: In the mid-1960s
Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereal "accidentally" gave out 2600Hz whistles as
a "promotion," instantly introducing a generation of phone phreaks to
easy blue boxing and giving John Drapier his now-infamous psuedonym. However,
when one does more research, it becomes apparent that this is, in fact,
part of a larger conspiracy to provide assistance to phone phreaks
everywhere. Some incidents previously suppressed by the media involving
food products include the following strange events:
o As early as 1943 canisters of Quaker Oats were discovered which
contained packets of the Icelandic five aurak coin, ostensibly
for numismatic purposes. A helpful note on the package reminded
kids that "five aurak coins not only help teach you about money
and the different cultures of the world, but they can also be
used in pay phones in place of dimes." Wilfred Brimley could not
be reached for comment.
o In 1955 a young New Jersey boy was seriously injured after
playing with a device given away free in boxes of Malt O'Meal:
a urine box. Apparently he had dialed the local ringback and
set the dial to "kill," thinking that it was just a joke.
His parents threatened to sue the company, but settled out
of court for an undisclosed sum not before BellCo had secured
a promise from them to keep quiet.
o In 1960 a Swanson's frozen dinner consumed by an Ohio housewife
allegedly contained a salisbury steak branded with a strange
ten-digit number. After several days of pondering this mystery
her husband suggested that it might be a phone number; quickly
calling it up, she found to her surprise that it was a prototype
Bell REMOB line. Other purchasers of Swanson's dinners around
this time reported finding "a piece of chicken stamped with the
President's private phone number," "a clump of mixed vegetables
who's corn spelled out a local PBX indial," and "a brussel
sprout that looked remarkably like Elvis."
o A 1976 promotion by Kellogg's Honey Smacks involved a free
giveaway of a lineman's test set in every box of cereal.
While strange in itself, even more strange were the cartoon
panels on the back of the box which showed kids how to
"have hours of fun playing 'let's find the junction box'."
A recall was ordered because of public outcry stemming from the
horrible deaths of several young children who electrocuted
themselves after tapping into power relays.
o In 1981 a man who choses to remain anonymous discovered an
AT&T calling card sandwiched between two strawberry Pop-Tarts
he was about to toast. He quickly called AT&T, who insisted
that they had no such card number on record. Later that day
the man called a relative in Germany from a pay phone using
the card and discovered that it was, in fact, valid. To this
day it still works without a hitch. Who is picking up the
bill?
o In 1984 Fruit Loops gave away a free 6.5536MHz crystal in every
box of it's colorful, sugary breakfast cereal. This may be
dismissed as coincidence, but consider that a small coupon on a
side panel offered: "Free Radio Shack Thirty-Three Number Memory
Pocket Tone Dialer! Send this coupon and thirty UPC symbols..."
o In 1988 boxes of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes were distributed with
small electronic devices of unknown origin and function. On
the rear panel Tony the Tiger was shown with one "King Blotto"
discussing how you should "show Ma Bell you're a tiger" and
connect the device to a phone and an electrical outlet and
"make all of the phones blow up." Strangely enough, the first
boxes containing this promotion were distributed in New York
only days before AT&T suffered a massive failure of it's long
distance network...
o Later that same year a box of Count Chocula was found by a
young hacker in Seattle which had a UPC code mysteriously
corresponding to the unlisted phone number of the 206 CNA office.
Other boxes were later found to have bar codes which were actually
numbers to PBXs, 800 extenders, and Northwestern Bell UNIX systems.
A shocked mother in Bellview discovered that the bar code on her
son's box of Frankenberry exactly matched her AT&T calling card
number and PIN. Pure chance? Unlikely.
o More ominously, a Chicago-area hacker recently discovered a
"professionally-made" FM bug in a package of Jimmy Dean Country
Sausage.
After hearing of this incident it dawned upon me that breakfast cereals
might just be the tip of the iceberg. Using my "inside connections" I was
able to gain access to a recently declassified CIA docket including the
following information:
o According one document in the file, on May 17, 1990 a 23-year-old
shopkeeper living in Bombay, India bit into a "small,
metallic object" while enjoying some vegetable chutney. This
object was later discovered to be "a critical junction element
from an ESS7 switching system." But how did it get into his
chutney?
o A second case is cited in which a Japanese businessman nearly
choked on "a piece of cardboard" embedded in a rice cake. After
closer examination, the cardboard turned out to be a Southwestern
Bell ID badge from a lineman who had disappeared on a fishing
trip six months earlier under "unexplained circumstances."
o As revealed in the stolen logs of a team of Swiss archaeologists
excavating a tomb found near Luxor, Egypt in 1958, an ancient
bias-relief found in the tomb's antechamber depicts "a strange
Latin figure wearing a long cape and carrying a notched staff
or cane" presenting the Pharoh with what appears to be a cellular
(or, perhaps, cordless) phone. Small clay models of similar
phones were found in other parts of the tomb, apparently
included with the mummy to insure that the Pharoh would
(as one Hieroglyphics expert later translated) "remain in
contact with his concubines during his journey to the spirit
world."
The tomb was plowed over in the late 1970s by the Egyptian
government to supposedly provide space for a new tourist hotel
(which was never actually built); one confidential inside source
referred to only as "Mr. James Blackwell of 1583 Trent Ave.,
Parma, Ohio" stated that this was actually a coverup at the
behest of certain "key cellular carriers." Mr. Blackwell claimed
to posess a document showing secret money transfers from Motorola
executives to high-ranking Egyptian officials via the National
Bank of Yemen, but the papers were destroyed in an unexplained
house fire which also killed Mr. Blackwell.
o Another document, much of which was still blacked-out for
security reasons, was allegedly uncovered in newly-unsealed
KGB archives. It includes interviews with Russian peasants
living near the site of the 1908 Tungusta Blast, who claim to
have discovered charred fragments of COSMOS manuals, circuit
boards, and "red-, green-, yellow-, and black-coated wires"
while plowing their fields during the months following the
infamous explosion.
o Scrawled notes from an unnamed Scottish businessman written
shortly before his sudden illness and death in the 1920s reveal
that, only minutes before it's destruction by the U.S.
government, the Lusitania had encountered "the seaweed-encrusted
spires of a magnificent city, barely piercing the ocean's surface --
none other than the reminants of the lost city of Atlantis. Dual
tones were heard coming from one the _______ [illegible], and
after a short time a short warbling tone was heard several times
intersperced with longer pauses." Could this be evidence that
the ancients had Touch-Tone(tm) service?
o A torn page from an unknown Medieval manuscript was stuffed in
the docket. The page recounted that some time during the
15th century English farmers reported to local monks that
"Hatts of an Unknowne Materiel felle from the Sky like Raine.
These Hatts were of a White Manner and did bear the Simbole of
a Church Bell inscribed within a Circle, bothe of the Colour
Blaue."
o Recent excavations near C?diz, Spain have uncovered a series of
ancient Phoenician clay tablets which puportedly speak of
a device which "sings the 10,000th forbidden name of Muaba'el
into the Spirit Device of the Elders, giving those learned in
the true and ancient ways unlimited free access to 'the network.'"
Other inscriptions, tables of seemingly unreleated numbers,
have recently been determined to correspond to MCI rate tables
for the Friends and Family plan. A third tablet, though badly
damaged, has been determined to be part of an area code map of the
United States, *including area code splits which have yet to be
publically announced*!
Similar cryptic writings have been found carved into the
base of the Sphynx, painted into murals on several buildings
at Pompeii, illuminated on scrolls found in the forgotten
corners of isolated Tibetian monastaries, inscribed on sacred
stones recovered from ancient Celtic burial mounds, and chiseled
into the stonework of the the High Priest's inner sanctum at
the Incan holy city of Tiwanaku. Prehistoric cave paintings in
rural France show, in addition to the usual horses and bison, a
large structure bearing a striking resemblance to a microwave relay
tower; however before more studies could be made of the paintings
MCI bought the property and quickly sealed it to outside
researchers.
o Highly-detailed telephone cabling maps have been uncovered in
the British Museum in London, the Biblioth?que Nationale in
Paris, the Vatican's Z collection, and, of course,
the Miskatonic University library in Arkham, Massachusetts.
(How do they get all of these rare books, anyway?). Many of
these maps are centuries old, some predating the development
of the printing press. How did such uncannily accurate maps
end up in the hands of unknown European cartographers of old?
Are we at BLaH the first to notice this disturbing pattern? No. A
diary entry made by Syd Barrett in mid-1967 noted that he was "very close
to unravelling this massive phone phreak conspiracy." Unfortunately, all
subsequent entries are filled with meaningless ranting and disjointed
ramblings about Battle Creek, Michigan. As a side note, MI5 records from
the same date make occational references to LSD and a cryptic "Operation:
Madcap," about which nothing is known. Other records which may hold the
key to this clandestine operation were sealed by order of the Queen until
the year 2050.)
Well folks, clearly there can only be one force behind this eons-old
plot: yes, it's the 5???$??f]x^?_`
NO CARRIER
{---End Of File. But that's not really.. what I am---}
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