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18 March 1995 Issue #40
Live, from the new Gund Arena in Cleveland, Ohio...
The Modem Wrestling Federation, in cooperation with Pre-puberty Productions,
proudly presents ...
"Masters of Telecom" - the tag team match to end all matches!
It's youth vs. the voice of experience!
It's:
Elminster and Amphetamine Gobbler
Vs.
Nosferatu & Suicide
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can feel the excitement in the air as the latest match of the
Modem Wrestling Federation stands ready to begin. It has been a long time
since the federation has sponsored a match, and this one proves to be one of
the more interesting, to be sure!
Modem users from around Stark County have come together to see just who
will be the next MWF Tag-Team champions! Well, users from every system
except CanCom and TCC. After all, Gary Cox censors all information about
other systems on CanCom. As for TCC? Well, if it doesn't involve young boys
and chat sex ...
An expectant hush falls over the arena as the lights dim ... and the
speakers of the arena blast into action!
To the strains of Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall", it's the twin
masters of the Immortal BBS, Nosferatu and Suicide! Yes, here they come ...
wait! Who is that escorting the modeming duo to the ring? Why, it's
Nosferatu's mommy!
"Now Jay.."
"MOM! Call me 'Nosferatu'! The guys won't think i'm cool! I want to be
elite!"
"Honey, you're only 14. No one expects you to know everything about telecom.
Now, remember to wear your coat home. It's getting cold. Make sure you stay
with 'Suicide' here. Use the buddy system..."
"Awwwwwww.... mom!"
"Now, let me get kleenex here ... you've got something on your face."
"Mommy! Everyone's watching! Stop it!"
After some chuckles from the more adult members of the crowd, the lights
begin to dim in the arena. Music fills the air. "Just One Fix" by Ministry
explodes from the arena speakers. Walking up the asile to the ring ... it's
Amphetamine Gobbler, former sysop of Necropolis BBS & Elminster, sysop of
Radio KAOS. Elmmy is sporting a faded jacket that dates back to the late
1980's. "Radio KAOS - Often Imitated, NEVER duplicated!" can be seen on the
jacket's backside. Escorting the pair to the ring is their manager, Virgin
Sacrifice.
- * Meanwhile, in the crowd:
"So, Jade ... who are you rooting for?" asks Gates of Hell sysop Gatlin.
"Um, I don't know. Who do you think I should root for?"
"That's up to you, Jade," pipes in Garet Jax.
"Well, I don't know who to root for!" exclaims Jade.
"Hey!" yells Reality, from two rows above, "Why don't you make up your own
mind for once! Don't be such a sheep!"
"I'm not a sheep! Everyone's mad at me! I'm going to leave! No one will let
me play football! I can't make up my mind!!!!!" cries Jade.
"Oh, for crying out loud..", mutters Reality, totally disgusted.
Both teams go to their respective corners. At one point, it looks as if
there's going to be some trouble ... but guest referee Dennis Haddox manages
to convince Nosferatu's mother that he'll be ok, and promises to drive
Nosferatu and Suicide straight home after the match.
Dennis motions to time keeper Matt Kraner to ring the bell. After several
tries (Matt never seems to get this right, even after several matches!) and
some help from local sysop Steve Weise, the bell is rung - and the match
begins!
Elminster and Suicide immediately lock up in the center of the ring.
"You and AG think you're so cool!" snarls Suicide. "You guys are losers.
It's time you moved over and made room for some REAL users!"
"*REAL* users? Sysops and users who can't even drive a car, let alone manage
to edit their prelogon screens? Users who create bases to talk about how
much school 'sucks'? Who has the best school band? Which Sega game is best?
It's like calling a BBS and talking to Bevis and Butthead!" exclaims
Elminster.
Angrily, Suicide smashes Elminster with some of his ANSI pictures. Then,
Suicide whips out the Immortal's 'Forbidden Knowledge 2' CD and begins to
batter the injured Elminster with it.
"AG was right. That CD really sucks," says Elminster. "I'm glad Kev didn't
buy it for KAOS. Gee Mr. Originality ... I wonder where you heard about it?
Could you have possibly seen the messages on KAOS awhile back where we
talked about GETTING IT?" Elminster regains his footing, apparently unharmed
by the CD.
"Time to end this," says Elmmy as Suicide sputters in rage. Elminster whips
out the various text files from Radio KAOS and gives Suicide a good wack
with them. Next, Elmmy grabs a copy of the FidoNET conference list and
begins to strangle Suicide with it. Suicide is gasping for breath! He's
sinking down to the mat!
"Hey, I want that little prick Nosferatu!" yells Amphetamine Gobbler.
"Lets keep the match going!"
"Hey, whatever," shrugs Elmmy. Elmmy grabs the now helpless Suicide and
flings him over to his own corner where Nosferatu manages to tag him and
jump into the ring. Elmmy runs over to his own corner and tags AG.
"Good luck!" yells Elmmy.
Amphetamine Gobbler immediately grabs young Nosferatu and begins smacking
him without mercy. Nosferatu tries to shield himself with a copy of his BBS,
but the system is almost instantly destroyed by AG's onslaught. Next,
Nosferatu tries to hide behind his own creativity and innovation ... but
alas, there's none to be found.
"This is goodbye, you little punk!" yells Gobbler. Gobbler yanks out some
copies of the Distorted Digital Erection 'Zine and prepares to finish him
off when...
"Look out!" yells Elminster. A gang of teen modem users has managed to get
past security! They're in the ring! It's CHAOS!
Nosferatu manages to roll away as Gatlin, Garet Jax, Jade, Devin Haddox, and
various other teen modem users gang up on Gobbler! Gobbler manages to knock
Devin Haddox unconscious almost immediately with some common sense, but this
attack is costly. The teens begin to batter AG with various petty &
pointless messages. As the teens hold AG down, Graendal begins slaming AG
in the head with buffers of various TCC teleconferences!
"God! It's so stupid! So pointless! I can't take it!" cries AG.
Gobbler looks around for help from his team mate Elminster. Where is Elmmy?!?
On the floor, at one of the ring corners, Elminster is holding off a group
of local porno BBS sysops! Seeing lax security, several of the sysops and
their perverted users have decided to take the opportunity to rape Virgin
Sacrifice! By combining their superior intellects, Elmmy and Sacrifice have
managed to protect themselves from the perversion!
"Aw, c'mon honey!" drools the Nymph at Night sysop. "You KNOW you want it!
I KNOW you do! All girls want it! I watch Playboy channel all the time!
I bet you like it in the ass, doncha baby!"
After putting on a pair of surgical gloves and a mask, Elminster grabs the
perverted sysop and crushes him with a copy of his 1987 BBS, House of the
Rising Sun.
"Bulletin Boards weren't created so you could beat off and harass women!"
shouts Elminster. "Get lives, you sick pieces of human debris!"
In the ring, Amphetamine Gobbler is in trouble. Despite his superior
modeming skills and experience, it's impossible for him to win against so
many opponents. Referee Dennis Haddox makes no move to stop the beating,
having been made the target of some of AG's unfortunatly truthful BBS
critiques.
AG is losing consciousness. Nosferatu grabs AG by his hair and prepares to
deliver the coup de grace ....
"Hey! Guys!" comes a yell from the center asile. Who can it be! Yes! YES!
It's the gang from the Necropolis! Tsunami, Duuk Tsarith, Jerith, Malignant
Boner, Azathoth, Buckwheat, and several others.
"Need some help?" yells Tsunami, knocking one of the perverted modem users
cold with a copy of an Internet underground band listing. Azathoth wades in
by slugging several teen users with copies of his 'Theology of Gog' text
files. Jerith jumps into the ring and tries to shield AG with a copy of the
Virtual Underdark ... a BBS where people actually talk about thinks
worthwhile! Most of the teens are unable to assult AG further through this
powerful shield.
One of the porno sysops manages to sneak behind Virgin Sacrifice and grabs
her ass. "Ohhh ... what a sweet little girl!" yammers the scum of the earth.
The disgusting modem creature reaches out to fondle VS's breasts when ...
VRRRROOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!! The sound of an engine in bad need of repair rips
through the arena! People scream as an old red Mustang roars down a side
asile, screaching to a stop only after collecting several porno loving modem
users under its front tires. The car's door opens ... and .. it's Radio
KAOS sysop JIAN THE MYSTIC!
"Hey, guys! Lets kick some ASS!" yells the enthuastic KAOS sysop, making an
MWF come back. Quickly, Jian slams two teen modem users over the head with a
pair of Cleleland Cavalier tickets. Next, Jian swats a porno BBS sysop aside
with a loaf of fresh bread.
"Hey Boo! Get 'em boy!" yells Jian. Suddenly, an angry white dog leaps from
the back seat of Jian's car! That dog looks mean enough to be on a double
dose of Ex-Lax! Spoting a perverted modem user in a corner wacking off, the
dog immediately leaps at him ... biting him in the, well, ... a scream of
pain and terror echos through the arena.
Despite the newly arrived aid from sysop Jian and the old Necropolis BBS
crew, things are at a standstill. The Necro gang has more experience, but
the teen users have numbers. Thankfully, the porno users (who are a
minority) are just inept and therefore not much of a threat.
"Ryan! There's only one way to end this!" yells Elminster to Amphetamine
Gobbler. "Unleash the secret weapon!" Quickly, Elmmy grabs a small portable
computer from his coat and throws it to Gobbler. Gobbler opens the computer,
turns on the cellular phone, and dials a number ...
Suddenly, a bright white light explodes from the computer! What can this be?
It's ... IT'S ... it's AG's new BBS!
It's the Seinsfrage BBS!!!!!!
The crowd is in shock! Most have never seen a BBS this good! The message
bases! Internet! A HUGE text file library! A BBS program NO ONE ELSE uses!
It's original. It's innovative. It's more than most users can stand!
Some of the teen modem users stare at the screen in awe, unable to look away.
Others grab at their temples and scream in agony... unable to comprehend the
new BBS system due to their lack of intelligence. Still others run away,
prefering to retreat back to their worlds of pornography and chat sex.
Only a handful of people are left in the arena now. AG, with help from
Elminster and Virgin Sacrifice, staggers to the ring microphone.
"For months, I've tried to tell you what is wrong with this modem community!
No creativity! No innovation! No fucking PRIDE! But, oh no. I'm 'whining.'
'Things are fine just the way they are!' and 'There's no such thing as
elite!'. Well, guess what? I'm done talking. Now, it's time for ACTION!
My latest BBS is now online! Now, get ready for some REAL telecom, you
pathetic little brats! This sorry excuse for a modem community will never
know what hit it!" screams AG.
The crowd errupts into cheers! And, hey .. there are a few new faces! Some
new modem users have managed to stick around and understand what this new
wave in local telecom is all about! Perhaps there's hope yet.
Veteran modem user Buckwheat brings out some Killians Red, and an
impromptu party begins!
Current MWF Statistics:
-----------------------
MWF World Champion: - OPEN -
MWF Tag-Team Champions: AG & Elmmy
---------------------------------------
- * Special thanks to one time modem user, four time MWF World Champion, and
sysop of the Crystal Palace BBS, The Prophet. Proph (Shane) was the
originator of the Modem Wrestling Federation back in the early 80's. **
---------------------------------------
`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'
Hallucinatory Oyster Burrito
An AUFHEBEN Production! support: tyrant: numbah:
"Why, I don't know much of The Seinsfrage .. HOB WHQ!.. 216.966.7453
anything!" -Eraserhead Radio KAOS ... Moonshadow .. 216.830.4657
_Submission Policy_: Hallucinatory Oyster Burrito is into subs!
If you write something - anything - send it to us and we'll get it
to press. For contacting HOB, see below.
Want to be a support board for HOB? Download ALL the HOB's and DDE's
create a file sig on your board, and let me know. Your BBS will
be listed. TO CONTACT US: Call the WHQ (The Seinsfrage) or you
can send e-mail to: amphgobb@frage.aldhfn.org
`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'
-eof-