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$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1061
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$ $ $ $ $ss$ "Joey The Teenage Menstrual Blood Vampire"
$ $ $ $ $ by Insert Wu Name Here
$ $ $ $ $ $ 04/18/00
[-- $ $ $ $ $ $ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
$ $ "TssT" "TssT"
Joey was staying out late, smoking pot, and talking about _Spawn_
comics. He was hanging out with his friends at an old highway overpass.
Joey wore vans sneakers and listened to Israeli Punk bands who wrote songs
about cumming in the face of American virgins.
"Lets go buy mushrooms and break stuff," Joey told his friends.
All Joey's friends thought he was hard-core because of all of his good
ideas. "We can get shrooms at Tina's house."
Tina was a Goth girl who sold drugs and painted pictures of Trent
Reznor with her own blood. When Joey was in grade Eight he wrote Tina a
poem that didn't rhyme. It was about how great her ass looked. Tina
said the poem was beautiful and gave Joey head. The next night Tina lit
candles made out of dead children and saw an oracle who looked quite a bit
like Charlie Sheen. The oracle told Tina that her and Joey were never
meant to be. After that Joey and Tina only had casual sex together once
in awhile, like when a new Radio Head video came out and reminded them
how deep life really is, when you really think about it.
The trip to Tina's house was uneventful. Joey and his friends
threw rocks at cars and some one found a dead badger. They cut it open
with a safety pin that was once in some ones nipple. They threw the
badger at cars, screaming "Lupha sponge!! Lupha! Lupha!" Then they
smoked another joint and went into a 7-11, and because he was an
anarchist, Joey took a dump in the corner of the store where the fridge
of near beer was. Joey's friends stole a box pixy stix.
When Joey and his friends got to Tina's, there was a goth party
happening. There were thousands (or at least twenty) hair dyed, leather
clad creatures of the night mulling about. They were lighting candles,
listening to the Cure and talking about Ann Rice novels. Joey and his
crew found Tina sitting in the floor of her kitchen writing a poem about
bleeding sex organs with a red magic marker circa 1984.
"Hey there," Tina said when she saw Joey. She was stoned.
"Hey. We want to buy drugs," he told her.
"Not tonight, man," she told Joey. "Tonight the drugs are free."
Tina made Tea with magic mushrooms and passed out cups to
everybody. Sometimes she had to ask Joey's friends to stop screaming
"Hell yeah, we're partying with the vampire bitches!" When they quieted
down everybody went to the basement, smoked some hydro and watched _The
Crow_ on DVD.
While they were in the basement, Tina introduced Joey to Gwendolyn.
"Joey, this is my friend Gwendolyn. I want you to meet her."
"Hi," Joey said to Gwendolyn. He was stoned.
"Hi," Gwendolyn said to Joey. She was stoned.
Gwendolyn was a 6-foot-tall sex pot. She wore fish-net stockings,
a leather skirt and a halter-top made entirely out of electrical tape that
showed both her nipples. Her hair was dyed blood red and her eyes had
the look of the cat who had sex with the canary. Joey and Gwendolyn
stayed up all night talking.
"You have a great ass," he told her.
"Tina was right about you," Gwendolyn said. "You're the boy for
me. Now, and forever." She dragged him in to Tina's room and locked the
door. Gwendolyn threw Joey down and pinned him to the floor. She bared
her fangs, ripped off all Joey's clothes, and bit his penis. Gwendolyn's
fangs sank deep into Joey's teenage member. He wanted to scream, but
soon everything faded in to darkness.
Joey awoke the next night, naked on the floor of a crypt. His
heart wasn't beating. He was in the arms of Gwendolyn. At first he
thought the pot he smoked was from Hawaii or the shrooms he ate were bad
or something. Soon he realized it was far more trippy than that. Soon
he realized it was real. Gwendolyn held Joey in her arms and looked at
him lovingly.
"You're a vampire now," she told him, "We'll be together forever."
Gwendolyn and Joey fucked liked Kennedys. They fucked till they were
tired and sticky.
"I love you," Joey said to Gwendolyn.
"Let's go buy some pot and drink blood," Gwendolyn replied. It was
a good idea, and Joey agreed. Gwendolyn dyed Joey's hair black and gave
him clothes to wear. She burned his vans and gave him a pair of shiny
combat boots, 'cause combat boots are cool. As they left the crypt,
Gwendolyn told Joey all the things that could kill him.
"Crossbow arrows can kill you, and wooden stakes can kill you, and
sunlight can kill you, but crosses and holy water don't do anything,
because religion is just a lie that oil companies told the world years
ago."
"What about garlic?"
"It just tastes bad."
They walked through the graveyard smiling. The night sky was
serene and haunting, and crackheads whispered as they smoked drugs by
the gravestones. Joey thought that he and Gwendolyn would be together
forever. He thought they would always be happy. He thought that for the
first time in his whole life things were starting to make sense. That's
when the priests came and ruined it all.
Tina was a narc working for the oil companies. She ratted on
Gwendolyn after their first lesbian experience when Gwendolyn showed Tina
her fangs. The priests were waiting outside the crypt that night and
surrounded Joey and Gwendolyn.
"Die you spawns of Satan!!" The priests shouted.
"Fuck you!!! You Nazi Fuckers!!!" Gwendolyn screamed. Gwendolyn
was tougher than a navy seal, and could kick more ass than Tank Abbot.
She attacked the priests with all her fury. She snapped necks, ripped off
arms, and kicked crotches. Joey, with his new found vampire strength,
helped her kick some Catholic ass. The priests were prepared, though,
and they had wooden stakes, kevlar jackets, and cross bows. They shot
Gwendolyn with arrows until one pierced her heart, and she burst into
flames.
Gwendolyn's screams filled the air until her body was engulfed by
fire. Soon she was no more. Joey's heart broke as he saw his first true
love die before him. He wanted to cry. He wanted to kick some ass!
Joey savagely attacked the priests. He shot them with their own crossbows,
he stabbed them with their own wooden stakes, he crushed their brains
with the one-inch-punch, and snapped their necks with round house kicks.
He didn't stop until all the priests were dead. Then Joey fell to the
ground and wept over the loss of the only girl he ever really loved.
Dawn was approaching, so he ran to the woods and hid in a cave
that he and his friends used to smoke drugs in.
The next night, Joey was scared and alone and hungry. He was hungry
for blood, but not just any blood--he was hungry for menstrual blood. He
knew because the voices in his head told him. It all made sense. His
vampire senses were more intense than his human ones, it was like bad
acid. The scent of flow grabbed on to Joey's skull and refused to let go.
He followed it all the way to the house of Mrs. Jenkins, his
substitute Math teacher. Joey rang the bell. When Mrs. Jenkins answered
the door, Joey knew exactly what to say.
"Hi. I'm collecting donations for poor Asian kids in Cambodia who
can't afford Pokemon toys."
"You kind little soul. Come in... I'll get my wallet."
As Joey walk inside, he barred his fangs. Mrs. Jenkins screamed.
She started to cry. She was afraid. She thought Joey turned into one of
those crazed Marilyn Manson fans they were always talking about on _Hard
Copy_.
It was all too much for Joey. He didn't want to see another
innocent person hurt. He thought of Gwendolyn and it made him think of
all the beauty in the world and how it never has a chance to survive
because its always being destroyed by Catholics, and little league coaches
and republicans. Joey sat on the floor and started to cry. He didn't
want to be the cause of misery, no matter what the voices in his head
told him. His body ached with hunger pains and his heart ached with
sorrow.
"I'm sorry I came here," Joey told Mrs Jenkins. I'm going to
leave now. I'd rather starve to death than cause hurt and take beauty
away from the world. Joey got up to leave. He was going to go outside
and wait for the sun to end his life. It was all he could do.
"Don't go," Mrs. Jenkins said. "What do you need?" She felt
sorry for Joey and was deeply moved by his words and actions.
"Menstrual blood. I need to drink menstrual blood or I'll die."
"Well then, come here," she said to Joey. "I guess I can help you
after all. My husband is with the kids at lacrosse practice, so we have
a few hours. Mrs. Jenkins Took off all her clothes. She had gigantic
breasts and a tan line that made her look like an expensive hooker in a
Czechoslovakian stag movie. She embraced Joey and removed her tampon.
Carefully and gently Joey drank the good drink. His fangs nipped
at Mrs. Jenkins' tender bits, and they both realized the his fangs
released an aphrodisiac. While he drank her menstrual blood, Joey messaged
Mrs. Jenkins' peach fish. Vampire tongues are magic tongues and can rub
a woman's G-spot more times than Warren Beatty. Soon, Mrs. Jenkins was a
sweaty, euphoric river of vaginal fluid.
When it was all over, her life had changed. She was enlightened,
and happy, and never again suffered cramps or bloating. She put her
clothes on and handed Joey a moist towellette.
"You have a gift," she told him. "If you just be your self and
respect the feelings of other people, you will always find happiness."
"Thank you," Joey told Mrs. Jenkins. "Thank you for everything!
Well... I better get going."
"Okay, take care." She kissed Joey on the cheek. "See you in
thirty days!" The night sky was luminous as Joey walk back to the cave
in the forest. He felt like a monk in a kung-fu movie. The hurt was
still there, but he knew if tried, he could find solace.
Somewhere it was waiting for him.
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