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$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1055
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$ $ $ $ $ss$ "LatinMan's Guide to Getting Chickas"
$ $ $ $ $ by, LatinMan
$ $ $ $ $ $ 04/07/00
[-- $ $ $ $ $ $ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
$ $ "TssT" "TssT"
Greetings this is LatinMan, the latino ladies man. This pamphlet
is for all of you who try your damnedest to be a latino mack but just come
up a bit short. To help with some of your dating needs I have enclosed
some scenarios that all macks are faced with at one time or another, test
yourself on how much of a latino papi you are. Add your points up at the
end to see how well you are able to mack the wimmens.
Scenario 1: You an yo boyz be hangin out on da' corner at a
bodega an a fly azz chicka stuffed into a pair of tight ass dazy dukes
walks by carrying a bag of groceries humming Oye Como Va. Do you:
a: Say, "Greetings Ma'am, top of the morning to ya'. Would you
like some help with those bags you're carrying?"
b: Say, "Damn girl, that blouse is very becoming of you, hell if I
was that close to you I would becumming on you too."
c: Say, "OYE MAMI, COME OVER HERE SO WE CAN MULTIPLY LIKE FUQIN
COCKAROACHES!!"
d: Combination of A. and C.
Answer: If you chose A or C you get 1 point for partial credit,
if you chose B. you don't get any credit for using a lame ass line from
the 70s. The correct answer is D. Combination of A. and C which gives you
5 points if you chose it. Yeah, she may look like a hot mami, but is she
a Mommi to a bunch of rug rats? To make sure either way, you come out
with, "OYE MAMI, LET ME CARRY YOUR BAGS FOR YOU, DON'T WANT YOU TO GET
EXHAUSTED BEFORE WE MULTIPLY LIKE COCKAROACHES." After her obviously
being completely turned on by your comment, you look into her bag and look
for any pampers, baby bottles, cereal, or any other shit dealing with
kids. If you see any baby shit, this will be the perfect time to test out
your new pair of Payless shoes as you run in the opposite direction. You
wont get any ass but you'll get some free groceries.
Scenario 2: You an yo boyz be chillin at the local Salsa club
lookin for some mo' fly azz chickas. An ol' friend of yo's from dat one
class you took at Community College be walkin past you, do you:
a: Start a conversation with her cuz she's kinda cute.
b: Grab her head and shove it towards your crotch.
c: Go towards the other side of the club to avoid her completely.
d: All of the above.
Answer: If you chose A, B, or C you get the partial credit of 1
point. The correct answer is D. All of the above which gives you only 2
points because it was an easy question. Yeah dat hoe is cute as hell, and
yes she will be on your crotch sometimes tonight, but you must not let yo
boyz know that you were ever in college. Even if it was that one day you
went into a class because you thought it was the AA meeting. You must
always make sure your boyz know that there isn't one part of your body
that has ever seeked higher education, if you do, you'll lose all respect
from them. Without your boyz, who the hell are you going to hang out
with?
Scenario 3: You be on yo first date with some hoe you met at the
welfare office. (If you didn't already know, the welfare office is where
you find the loosest chickas refer to page 69 in "Where da hoes be at
mang?" by LatinMan for further information.) Where do you take her:
a: McDonalds
b: Burger King
c: White Castle
d: None of the Above.
Answer: No point for any answer other then D. None of the Above,
which is the right answer and gives you 5 points. You don't want ANYONE
you know seeing you with this ugly bitch in public. Tell her you want to
make a "Romantic Meal" for her and invite her to your house. Make sure to
spray the furniture with tick repelant prior to her coming over, and make
sure all the sofas have the original plastic covering on them. (Need more
info and preparation for an Ugly Hoe refer to, "GOD DAMN SHE UGLY" by
LatinMan.)
Scenario 4: Continuation of Scenario 3. You got Cujo a lil
arroused by sitting her on the chair that had a heating pad hidden inside
of it, now what do you do:
a: Turn on some Ricky Martin on low.
b: Turn on some Ricky Martin on medium.
c: Turn on some Ricky Martin on high.
d: No music at all.
Answer: Of course it's C so there's no credit at all on this
question, but if you answered wrong please begin bashing your head with a
Ricky Martin CD now. You've seen this chick in just about every 70s porno
movie you have ever seen. She's the ugly chick that gets it towards the
end of the movie. (Director's put her here because most guys cum within
the opening credits so there is little chance of her being seen.) Using
your knowledge of porn, you will know that the ugly chick ALWAYS screams
the most for some god damn reason. Having the music on high will make
sure that no one on your floor will think that you're watching some
Discovery channel show that has a walrus being humped on by an elephant
anally. If she'll let you, try to stuff her mouth up with her panties so
as little noise as possible escapes her bovine lips.
Point Totals:
10 or More -> Playa of LatinMan status.
6-9 -> On your way to macking the hootchies with the best of em.
5 and under -> You're probably a cracka and should not buy any
more of my materials.
That is all for "LatinMan's Guide to Getting Chickas." I hope
this pamphlet helps you as it has helped millions of wannabe latinos
around the world. Please keep a look out for further productions of my
award winning materials.
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[ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu HOE #1055, BY LATINMAN - 4/07/00 ]