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 $$                           by -> Meeyoww                           $$
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 $$        [ HOE E-Zine #981 -- 12/23/99 -- http://www.hoe.nu ]     .,$$
 `"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'

	I wanted this "holiday season" to be different. You know, Martha
 Stewart-esque, complete with the scents of mulled spiced cider and pine
 wafting through the house, perfectly wrapped presents cascading over
 each other under an exquisitely decorated tree. I was actually considering
 having the gas fireplace turned on, even though the average temperature
 here in balmy North Carolina has been in the mid fifties, just to add
 that "special something" to the holiday atmosphere.  I had planned an
 elaborate holiday gathering, complete with a twenty-item buffet prepared
 from scratch, time for tree trimming, and even some spiked eggnog to send
 our guests out the door with a warm, fuzzy feeling in hopes of creating
 some "holiday cheer" of their own. I had even started writing out
 Christmas cards around Thanksgiving, just to get them in the mail and on
 their way before the holiday rush.  I was so set.  Martha herself
 would've been proud.

	And it all came to a screeching, crashing halt.

	Sometimes, it's beneficial to be the slacker.  One should learn to
 say "no" emphatically, resolutely and repeatedly, if necessary, when
 asked to run errands beyond the scope of one's routine duties as an
 employee.

	I, of course, being the "nice" person, did none of the above, and
 complied with a co-worker's request that I run to the post office and
 have an abandonment letter certified. -More on this momentarily.-

	So here I am, visions of sugar-plums dancing in my head, driving to
 the post office, when my sugar-plums are abruptly cut off by a mini-van
 running a stop sign and in my direct path!#@ "Hooooonk". Break! Turn!
 Break!

	crash.

	Am I alive? Check yes.  Is anything broken? Check no.  Is my car
 okay? Check no.

	Now...had our office not been acting in the spirit of the
 holidays, and not taken in a *parvo-positive pit bull puppy from a
 derelict who could only offer a meager deposit on the dog, barely fill
 out a standard admissions form or afford the care of a puppy in the first
 place, I wouldn't have been on my way to get the collections letter
 certified for his charge-off ass.

	grrrrrr#@%!. breathe. ok.

	So anyway, I have accomplished nothing this holiday season.  I
 canceled my get-together, decorated the damn tree myself, sent out 10%
 of my holiday cards, felt like a total loser for not purchasing presents
 for anyone, and then felt worse because of the realization that the
 marketing media OWNED me this holiday season. So instead of stringing
 garland and baking sugary sugar cookies, I've spent my 12 days of
 Christmas fighting insurance companies, visiting various doctors to find
 out what happened to my back in the accident, fighting off drug-induced
 deliriousness, sleepiness and overall bitchiness due in part to the
 doctor's non-pro-active stance on treating injuries like mine. And I've
 spent an inordinate amount of time on irc, simultaneously reading up on
 back issues of HOE and inserting random url's into my browser window just
 to see if they exist.  I've been pissy, I've been randomly lame. It's
 been oodles of fun.

	At least I get a check to replace my car before school starts.
 Yay.

	The morals of the story, gingermen and women, are these:

	1) Expect very little and you'll be happy when your expectations
           are exceeded.
	2) Don't render services for people who have no intention of
           paying for them.
	3) Doctor-prescribed narcotics tend to exacerbate moods and
           attitudes.
	4) Don't try to be like Martha. It's not possible.  She is, after
           all, Satan.

	I don't take the "end of the world/y2k armageddon" ideas
 seriously.  However, if there *is* an apocalyptic event in the next
 couple of days, all of this might not seem like such a huge deal.  And
 we'll all get to meet Martha, in person.  I'm sure that hell is
 color-coordinated, complete with matching pillow shams, coming soon to a
 K-Mart near you.

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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!            HOE #981, BY MEEYOWW - 12/23/99 ]