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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #867
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "How to Properly Judge Music:
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 A Rebuttal to Phairgirl"
888 888 888 888 888 " by Quarex
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 10/9/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Well, well, well. So, miss Hoe-Editor thinks she is all important
now, and can go bashing any song she wants, claiming that they are some of
the worst five songs ever written!
I have news for all of you.
*I* AM THE ONLY PERSON QUALIFIED TO RATE MUSIC ON THE PLANET.
I will begin where you did, at number five.
NUMBER FIVE:
You claim Type O Negative's cover of "Summer Breeze" is the fifth
worst song ever, based on the fact that the original was a "no-name
one-hit-wonder AM-radio-bullshit band that nobody remembers."
WELL, YOU GODDAMN FUCKING PIECE OF DOG SHIT, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
THE ORIGINAL "SUMMER BREEZE" WAS WRITTEN BY SEALS & CROFTS. YOU JUST MIGHT
REMEMBER SOME OF THEIR OTHER FUCKING TOP 10 HITS, LIKE "HUMMINGBIRD," "THE
BOY DOWN THE ROAD," AND OF FUCKING COURSE, MOTHER FUCKING "SAY." SEALS &
CROFTS IS A FUCKING FANTASTIC BAND, GOD DAMMIT, AND TYPE O NEGATIVE'S COVER
WAS FUCKING GREAT, TOO, THOUGH NOT NEARLY AS GOOD AS THE CLASSIC FUCKING
ORIGINAL.
NUMBER FOUR:
Apparently, Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" is the fourth worst song
ever. YOU DO NOT EVEN FUCKING GET IT. "YOU'RE SO VAIN, I BET YOU THINK
THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU, DON'T YOU. . ." HELLO!? THE SONG IS DIRECTED AT THE
PERSON SHE IS SINGING ABOUT, IE, THE PERSON WHO SHE IS CALLING VAIN. OF
COURSE THE SONG IS ABOUT HIM! IT HAS A SUBJECT! THE SUBJECT IS THE PERSON
WHO IS VAIN! SO HE IS NOT VAIN, BECAUSE THE SONG TRULY IS ABOUT HIM!
GOD!
Okay, so I agree, that song fucking blows.
NUMBER THREE:
"Nookie" is the third worst song ever? Whatever. Though I do not
particularly mind hearing it, I will just go along with that quietly.
NUMBER TWO:
Kathmandu? Bob Seger? What the fuck kind of shit have you been
listening to all these years?
NUMBER ONE:
Wow, I have never heard of this song, either.
BUT DAMN, I HAVE TO TAKE OFFENSE TO YOUR OTHER CHOICES:
RAMBLIN' MAN? GOD DAMMIT, THE FUCKING ALLMAN BROTHERS KICK MY
FUCKING ASS ALL THE WAY TO GOLGOTHA. LORD, I was BORN a RAMBLIn' MAN! GOD
DAMMIT, IT IS SO TRUE.
Oh god, you fucking bitch. Give me a fucking break. MR. ROBOTO is
perhaps the GREATEST FUCKING SONG EVER WRITTEN. JESUS CHRIST. IT IS A SONG
ABOUT A FUTURISTIC SOCIETY RULED ENTIRELY BY JAPANESE SPEAKING ROBOTS,
INFILTRATED BY A SINGLE ROCK & ROLL HERO FROM THE PAST! THAT IS THE
GREATEST FUCKING IDEA EVER!
Never heard Sister Christian.
Though I did kinda like "Keep the Faith" by Bon Jovi.
Never heard those songs, either.
Now, if you want to know what the ACTUAL worst five songs ever are,
here you go.
NUMBER FIVE: "SMILE" by Vitamin C.
This song exemplifies everything that is wrong with the music
industry today as a whole. Clearly, this song has as much musical value and
brilliant lyrical insight as a bag of Rasputin's rotting flesh. No, far
less than that.
NUMBER FOUR: "NO SCRUBS" by TLC
Well, where can I possibly fucking start with a song this awful?
Hmm, let me begin by analyzing the grammar structure of their lyrics.
"I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy who can't get no love from
me."
By eliminating the double negatives, we find:
"I want scrubs, scrubs are guys who can get love from me."
Great, TLC, just fucking great. What fantastic fucking role-models
you are. I hope your next song goes something like "ME GOTS MONEYS YOU BAD
STAY BACK FROM US."
NUMBER THREE: "ANY FUCKING SONG I EVER PERFORMED" by Mase.
I realize the "asleep at the mic" style of rap was pioneered by
Notorious B.I.G., and advanced by Puff Daddy, but only Mase truly mastered
the art of making absolutely no effort to sound the least bit interested in
what he was saying. Busta Rhymes, by contrast, is clearly the greatest
rapper the world has ever seen.
NUMBER TWO: "DOWN" by 311.
I confess, the first I ever heard of this song was the last 10
seconds or so of it, and I liked it. However, when I heard the entire song,
something quite unfortunate occurred to me. This absolute tripe was being
called "the new metal" on MTV. This song has roughly as much in common with
metal as I have in common with a tube steak.
NUMBER ONE:
Clearly, there is no real way to pin down the worst song ever
released. However, I can certainly take a stab at it.
I am going to have to go ahead and say that there can be no truly
absolutely worst song ever. In order to obtain that rank, a song would have
to be beyond horrible, beyond. . . OH MY FUCKING GOD. WHY DID I NOT SEE IT
SOONER? THE WORST SONG EVER IS "DEAR MISTER JESUS" BY THAT LITTLE FUCKING
GODDAMN BITCH. OH GOD. I STILL LOATHE THE FACT THAT A SONG CALLED "DEAR
MISTER JESUS" MADE THE TOP FUCKING TEN OR MAYBE EVEN MORE.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
And there are lots of runners-up, of course, including all the other
songs 311 released, all the songs Sugar Ray has done since their first
album, when they still had some kind of merit, most things Celine Dion has
ever released, anything by any R&B artist [specifically Toni Braxton,
Jennifer Lopez, D'Angelo, R. Kelly, and the band that released the song
"Where's my Girl's at?"], and of course, Lassie.
Help.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #867 - WRITTEN BY: QUAREX - 10/9/99 ]