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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #795
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "The Peoria Beer Project"
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
888 888 888 888 888 " by Neko
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 8/22/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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So we went to see Blair Witch Project on Friday night at midnight.
We is me, my roommate Steve, and his friend Jack.
Without giving any of the details away, I will just say it scared us
shitless. I might have to cancel Campfest because of it.
We walked back to my apartment and decided that what we really needed
was some alcohol to make us tired so we could go to sleep, as our minds were
freaking us out in overdrive.
As we walked to Kroger's, we talked about how we hadn't looked at our
watches during the movie. I said I heard someone's watch beep, so I knew it
must've been one o'clock.
"FUCK!" I shouted. "ONE O'CLOCK!"
Jack and Steve looked bewildered, so I emphasized my point --
"FUCKING ONE O' FUCKING CLOCK!"
Looking like they needed more help I said, "Look, it's 1.30 AM now.
PAST 1 AM."
They finally got it -- we were fucked. Liquor stores close at 1.
So we walked back to our apartment dejectedly.
Then I got the idea -- hey, in Peoria, bars are open til 4, so maybe
they sell liquor later!
Jack dug the idea, but Steve was a bit reluctant. Probably because
we would be taking his car.
After a minute or two we convinced Steve to go along.
We were soon on I-39, heading north. After about 10 minutes we saw a
sign saying "PEORIA NEXT EXIT". That was certainly weird, as I was
convinced Peoria was a good 45 minutes or so away from us.
Turns out it was the exit for a road to Peoria. So we stopped at a
gas station. Steve filled up his car and Jack and I explored the store,
heading straight for the beer. Then we saw the sign -- NO LIQUOR SOLD AFTER
1.30.
Fucked again. Jack and I told Steve the news and then waited for him
to pay for his gas. As we waited, we discussed how easy it would be to
steal a case of beer without getting caught. Jack brought up the point that
there were cameras. See, there was a sign on the pump that said "Smile,
you're on our security camera," or something to that effect. So we looked
all around for a camera, but we couldn't find one. Oh well, we probably
could've stolen that beer and made our lives better, but we're good
citizens.
So we headed back on to the road, only to find out that it was no
longer a highway, but a dark country road.
We told each other all of the scary experiences in our lives, and
shared what we thought were the scariest moments in the movie. Every light
we saw, every building on the horizon, every car passing us, freaked us out
a little bit. I remember driving past a building and seeing graves in the
yard. Then I did a double-take and saw that they were only posts.
Soon we were in Eureka, IL. There we saw a 24-hour IGA. The IGAs in
Rockford don't sell alcohol, but we figured we might as well take a chance.
Steve waited in the car while Jack and I scouted the situation out. The
first thing we noticed was that it was freezing in the store, just like in
the movie! Then we saw all the employees -- all three of them -- sitting at
the register to our right. As we walked through the aisles, we heard a bell
ringing. But we looked on all the aisles, and saw no one else in the store.
So we told Steve that IGA was haunted. They didn't sell alcohol, so we left
and continued on our way to Peoria.
We stopped again at some other 24-hour convenience store, but Jack
stopped me just as I was about to walk in. He saw the sign that said "If
you're fortunate enough to look under 30, we'll have to card you." And
below that it was printed "Liquor is not sold between 1 and 6 AM."
Fucked again.
Back on the road to Peoria, we finally make it. We need to get
downtown, though, and none of us knew how to get there. We missed a turn on
a big intersection, so we turned around and went back and made it to
downtown.
Once there, we needed to turn left, but we couldn't for some odd
reason, so we turned right and then Steve pulled a quick left into the
parking lot of some business and exited on the perpendicular street.
Apparently this street was one way going the opposite direction as
some woman on the street perpendicular to us screamed at us "ONE WAY,
MOTHERFUCKER! MOTHERFUCKER, ONE WAY!"
Welcome to Peoria.
We drove up Main Street and revelled in the glory of two blocks of
bars that were open til 4 AM. After parking, we decided to scout out the
territory. The first bar we went to was called Champ's. There was live
blues inside, and no bouncer working the door, so my 19 year old self could
get in.
We stood inside for a few minutes, marvelling at all the mullet cuts
on the men and women at the bar, and decided it was so scary that we had to
leave.
In retrospect, that was probably a bad decision, but anyway...
We walked to most of the other bars on Main St., but they all said
you had to be 21 to come inside. No problem for Jack and Steve, but me...
well, you know the deal.
As we were walking, trying to figure out what to do, some good
looking young woman in a long dress ran across the street and quickly ran
back. We were approaching the corner that she darted across, so I suggested
we walk around the block to see what was going on.
We came closer and heard the girl talking to another girl, also
attractive, and wearing a back-less shirt. They were shouting about
something, some guy in a red shirt. I thought that maybe they had been
assaulted or something, but they didn't ask for help. The girl without the
back shouted "FUCK PEORIA" and at that moment, we were ready to agree with
her.
The two girls ran back and forth and eventually turned another
corner, so we followed them. Some random black guy had the same idea and we
asked him what was going on. As far as he could understand, some guy in a
red shirt had taken a gun and smashed out their car window, presumably to
steal shit from it. And for some reason, rather than talking to the legions
of cops nearby, they decided to try to chase him down. Wackos. All I know
is if some guy with a gun smashed out my window, I'd let him get away. I
don't want to die over something stupid like that, but hey, it's Peoria,
what do you expect?
Anyway, we make a last ditch attempt to get into some bars, most
notably Big Al's (http://www.bigalsgals.com), a strip bar. We were told the
cover was $7, quite reasonable. Then Steve asked how old you had to be to
get in. We hoped he would answer 18, so I could get in, but to our
disappointment, he said 21.
Then we walked dejectedly back to our car and began the drive back
home.
We decided to take a different highway home, but Steve wasn't sure
how to get there so we stopped at a gas station, and for some reason it was
my job to ask for directions. So I go into the station and buy a Dr. Pepper
and ask the guy standing at the counter and the girl behind the counter how
to get to I-74.
The guy started to explain it to me, and then insisted we just follow
him because he was heading that way. Oh, he also mentioned numerous times
how completely fucked up he was.
We made it to 74 and home safely, around 4am.
Now it's 6am, so, uh, I think I'm gonna go wake up Steve and make him
go to Kroger's to get some booze.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #795 - WRITTEN BY: NEKO - 8/22/99 ]