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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #708
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Bittersweet Memories From
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 Childhood"
888 888 888 888 888 " by Lapse
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 7/1/99
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Okay so I was an evil son of a bitch. I chased this poor kid around
with an axe, I put dead things in his mailbox, I even hung a dead frog from
his door so when he opened it the frogs intestines swung into his house.
But none of this means that I don't have a heart.
Timmy was the boys name and he about peed his pants everytime he saw
me. I will save why the little shit deserved my torments for another time.
I enjoyed torturing him. Listening to him cry out in pain... No I am
getting off track here. Ahem...
One day I found out something horrible.
Little Timmy had fallen ill. It became common knowledge that he
might die. The boy was only six.
Suddenly something rare happened. I felt true sympathy for the
little tyke. I even felt guilty. I was such a monster to him, like the
time I smashed up my neighboors car and handed Timmy the bat. As the
neighboor came out screaming I said "Take it easy on him, he's just a kid!"
Anyways..
I decided to put aside my seething anger towards him and tried to
help him out. I first started by apologising to him. You should have seen
his face! He looked at me and said "Your not going to throw another dead
snake at me are you?"
I looked at him and said "Timmy, I know I have been very mean to you,
and you probally hate me, but I am Truly sorry for what I have done to you."
He looked at me with those puppy dog eyes and said "Really?" I said
yes.
He rushed over and hugged me. No one had ever done that before.
"I always hoped that you and I could be friends someday! I have
always thought of you like a big brother." Timmy said.
I don't know how it happened, but I found a tear rolling out of my
eye. I hugged him back.
Timmy and I hung out for the next few weeks. He looked funny with
his head shaved but I did not laugh. We became good friends. We would talk
about things that we liked to do. One thing that he told me that he always
wanted to do was go to the zoo. He never could go because his parents never
had enough money.
A light clicked in my head. "This is how I can make up for all my
years of relentless evil!"
In secret I gathered money from everyone in the neighborhood. They
were happy to give, especially since I told them it was for my sick cousin.
In no time at all I had a pleasent surprise for him. Beileve it or not it
was just in time for his birthday.
He and his family rejoyced when I showed them the cash. We gathered
for a group hug. Timmy said "I only want to go if my best friend can come."
and he once again hugged me.
I felt another warm tear roll out of my eye.
The joyfull day came when we all went to the zoo. We laughed at the
monkeys, rode the carnival rides, even ate cotton candy.
We walked and laughed for hours.
The best part of the day is when we came across the baboons. The
baboons had these huge red butts.
"Did your daddy spank you too much?" I yelled at the baboons.
Oddly enough they hopped up and down violently as if they knew what I
said.
One of the zookeepers came up to me and said "They look harmless, but
don't be fooled, they will eat you like a piece of chicken if you piss them
off!"
Timmy was near the fence thumbing his nose at them. As the zookeeper
and I talked, we did not notice that Timmy had climbed on top of the fence.
"Big fat big fat butt, big fat big fat butt!" he chanted.
I suddenly heard his dad yell " Oh my god Timmy No!"
We looked to see Timmy as he lost his balance and fell over twenty
feet into the baboon pit.
Before anyone could do anything the baboons surounded him.
"GET THE HOSE GET THE HOSE!" I heard someone yell.
The baboons had a calm anlylitical look on their faces as they stared
at Timmy.
"Wahh ah ahh" he sobbed. "Please don't eat me!"
"THE GODDAMN HOSE IS JAMMED!!!" I heard someone yell.
"Offer them your cotten candy!" I yelled to Timmy. Timmy reluctantly
held out his arm with the cotton candy. One of the baboons came up and
sniffed the candy. It then took the candy. Along with Timmy's arm.
As blood sprayed everywhere, someone finally got the hose turned on
and blasted the baboons. Sadly the hose got Timmy as well.
As Timmy slammed into the Baboons this seemed to enrage them further.
They batted him back and forth.
I heard someone vomit.
I don't remember too much after that because I was too busy laughing.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #708 - WRITTEN BY: LAPSE - 7/1/99 ]