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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #601
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "Three Stories for Children
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 of All Ages"
888 888 888 888 888 "
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o by Phairgirl [5/6/99]
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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"Basket Case"
One day, Basket Case had a pain in her side. She ran to the
Hospital and said that she had appendicitis. It was gas. The doctor took
her to the mental ward. There, she met a sweet old gentleman named Barney
The Book Bear. He sang a song that went, "Apples are so good to eat, good
to eat, good to eat, apples are a special treat, so eat one every day."
Basket Case then knew that she had met her true love. She asked Barney,
"Can we _do it_?" Barney said, "Teach me how." They sniffed butts, it was
amazing. So satisfying that they each had a cigarette. Barney said, "Can
we do this again sometime?" Basket Case said, "Nope--I guess I was wrong
about you." She chased Barney around the psycho ward with a butcher knife.
"Highyah! Shoot, missed," said she. "Waaaaaa--" And with a twist and a
mighty blow, Barney's head blew off and rolled out the door. "Soccer in
the gym," yelped Basket Case and kicked the head there. No one noticed at
all. Even with all the blood on the floor. Then Doctor Idyot walked down
the hall. "G'Morning, Basket Case." "Mornin, Dr. Idyot--Is everything
fine?" BANG! She shot the city sheriff. BANG! Ploppity plop plop (that's
his head bouncing) ca-roak. "That's quaint," said Ms. Case. Then Superman
killed her. Then he ate her for supper. He digested her and she rolled
out his large intestine "PLOP" into his potty. "Turdy came back!" Superman
yelled.
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"The Adventures of Blobby Blob -- The Kid That Is Lard"
Blobby Blob saw a girl at school and went to talk to her. But she
thought it was somebody's spit and screamed. Blobby became a manic
depressant. He felt the need to do something naughty. Something--lardy.
So he went to the Hostess factory and was put in a Twinky. At lunch, the
girl he liked unwrapped him and took a bite. He flowed out of the last
injection hole into her lap. "Oh eek!" yelled the girl. "Whoo ha ha ha
ha!" screamed Blobby as he completely engulfed the girl. "Yum," he smiled,
and began eating everyone he saw. There was a great panic and most
everyone was running fast. But not as fast as Blobby Blow. The whole
city was gulped in one giant lardy gulp. "I have not yet satisfied my
thirst for blood!" began Blobby. "I must eat more human flesh!" But then
Jean Claude Van Damn ate the blob of lard and was possessed. He, instead
of eating people, ate HoHo's. The possessed Mr. Van Damn ate so many
HoHo's that he couldn't be a fighter guy like Arnie Schwarzenegger. Now
he's partners with the Ziploc guy, Perry Mason, and Earthquake (a wrestling
team--he's the manager).
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"Sam The Smelly Sock"
One day, Sam the Smelly Sock went a-smelling down the street. Sam
met a big dog named Fido. Fido smelled Sam and ran away, so Sam cried. He
soon was over that and walked through a flower garden. All of the flowers
died. Sam started crying again. Sam became suicidal, so he tried to shoot
himself. The bullets disintegrated. He jumped off a building but the dead
carcasses softened the fall, like he fell on towels washed in Downy. Sam
tried to stab himself, but the knife became as rubbery as Play-Doh. He
tried to do a drug overdose, but they sprouted legs and ran for their
lives. He was going to slit his wrists but remembered he had none. Sam
then attempted to drown himself in the Mississippi River. But the minute
he hit, environmentalists pulled him out because he was causing toxic
pollution. So Sam locked himself in the garage and turned on the car. The
car started to bubble. Maybe Sam could fry himself to death. So he jumped
into the ball of acid that the melted car had become. The acid ran away
from him and melted off the garage door for relief. So Sam buried himelf
alive but the dirt kept running away. Then Sam saw a thing called "soap."
Sam doused himself with it. The soap didn't run away! Sam died of shock.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #601 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 5/6/99 ]