💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › HOE › hoe-0593.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 12:35:20.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #593
`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
888 888 888 888 888 "My Very First HOE Article
888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 by RottenZ"
888 888 888 888 888 "
888 888 `88b d88' 888 o by RottenZ [4/24/99]
o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
Mongels always's bitching at me to write something for HOE. So
today I have. I think that you'll be hard pressed to find a more solidly
written piece of 20th century prose.
Usually, I don't have anything to say on matters that don't, in
some way, relate to Star Wars, professional wrestling, or Magic: The
Gathering. I call these things the Holy Trinity of my life, in ways quite
similar to the "Holy Trinity" that Catholics claim to worship in their
churches and synagogues around our fair country. That is, I see these
things as one entire entity instead of three separate incarnations. I am
monotheistic in my praise for the unholy Lucas-created, McMahon-maintained,
Wizards of the Coast behemoth that I have constructed into my mind. Quite
frankly, these are the only things I give a fuck about, and I don't have
time in my life for much else.
I have just lied to you, and what a clever lie it was, indeed!
There is a forth thing that I care about, and that isn't counting basic,
every day needs such as toiletries and fast food, for I don't count them as
things you really care about. You just need them. No, this forth thing is
something entirely unrelated to my Holy Trinity (explained above, stupid!)
and life's basic necessities. Have you discovered my secret? No, of
course not, you foolish little imp! The brainpower required to be able to
decipher my code above would be greater than that of R2-D5, mightiest and
most cunning of the R2 starmech droid series! The pleasure I am obtaining
from this writing is quite rich, but I will spare you any more suspense.
Soft-core pornography. That is correct. Soft-core porno is my
secret indulgence. Scratch that last part, because I guess it is a secret
no longer. How I yearn so often when sitting in class or locked in a
heated confrontation between my trample deck and my friend Howie's
counterspell deck (with that blasted Leviathan that he somehow manages to
get to work, and I've never seen ANYONE else able to use a Leviathan
effectively) or when perhaps I'm leafing through the back issues of Dark
Horse comic books (I know Timothy Bradstreet personally!) I will suddenly
be overcome with an urge to run home and partake in a viewing of some
simple, cock-less soft-core action. It is both uncomfortable and, at the
same time, wildly exhilarating to know of my hot, hot little addiction.
I must stress something here that I have mentioned briefly above.
The word "cock-less" is essential in my explanation to you, although I
hardly believe that I must justify my beliefs to any-one else. I simply
don't like looking at the male genitalia. Certainly, the anus, exposed,
open vagina, and other in depth viewing spots of hard-core pornography are
things I can do without, but it is the cock that I miss the least of all of
these things. I will try to set up an analogy so that you may understand.
To see a cock in a porno is a strong turn off to me, much the same way that
to see Han Solo, perfect archetype of reckless, unshaven rebellion, not
blast that little bastard Gweedo first is a strong downer. That strong,
thick member on screen is roughly equivalent to the little son of a bitch
getting off that first shot before meeting his final and justifiable fate.
I also can do without the money shot, for when watching such
pornography, I have little trouble in providing my own "money" shot, if you
get my drift.
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #593 - WRITTEN BY: ROTTENZ - 4/24/99 ]