💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › HOE › hoe-0496.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 12:32:07.
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #496 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Realizations, Pre-dawn." !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> The Jester !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 3/3/99 !!
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4:29.
we lie in bed and she sleep while i ponder. what is tomorrow?
what is love? i figure out the universe while she rests her head upon my
arm. what _is_ love anyway?
i lie there and stare at the window. non-descript winter weather is
oh so dull. i'd rather have the rain of the spring, the humidity of summer
or closure of fall. winter just is. living in the part of the country
where it gets cold enough to freeze but not quite cold enough to warrant
much snow makes winter the longest season by far.
i love the spring the most probably. rain cleanses.
she hates the rain. she says it is so depressing. how can the
water cycle be depressing? it is life. she wishes it would rain
elsewhere, i wish she was someone else.
4:35. i can still get two hours of sleep before i need to be awake.
i look at her and make sure its her. ashley. i sure do wish it was
someone i cared about. i really do. girls seem to think guys want to be
with every girl on the face of the planet. why? there is only one girl i
want to be with, and thats the one person i destroy. i am afraid of loving
her or anyone else for that matter. i live my life without the familiarity
of love out of fear i might be myself and hurt.
i try not to delude myself too much. i make sure i realize quite
fully that i make the life in which i live. i am responsible for my
destiny of unhappiness. i truly do accept it and am willing to live. i
don't want to live my life unhappily, but i have come to a few conclusions
at my young age. one of these is you cannot escape yourself. i am pain,
i cannot break free of that.
4:41. i need sleep.
i get out of bed and sit in a chair for better view of the windows.
i can't see many stars. goddamn city with its lights. i think i notice
mercury, but that could just be a satellite or a plane or something. isn't
that some shit? not a cloud in the sky and i can't see stars, tell the
difference between a planet and a device of man, nor open the window for
that matter. winter sucks. the city sucks. and i am tired. great.
"hey, why are you up?"
"oh," i say quietly, "hi. couldn't sleep. decided to look at the
night or sunrise or whatever."
"mind if i join you?" she gets up and decides to join me anyway.
she sits next to me and leans her head on my shoulder. i can't tell
if she is asleep again or just sitting there watching the world pass us by
with me. i hope she is asleep. i don't like being introspective when
people are thinking about me and thinking about what i am thinking.
i lean back in my seat ever so gently as not to disturb her.
4:45.
i give up. my decisions on how the world works can wait. my ideas
can wait. my happiness can wait. i am tired. tired of no sleep. tired
of ashley. tired of the winter. tired of saying i love when i don't.
everything can wait. i have a whole life to live, i have years yet to
find love and exploit it. i have years left to find religion. i have
time.
i have time.
i can wait. can you?
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #496, WRITTEN BY: THE JESTER - 3/3/99 !!