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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #475 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "When The Beast Met The Outhouse... !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: and My Fear is Great" !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> AIDS 2/3/99 !!
!!========================================================================!!
Scene One - Sanctuary
=====================
[ The scene - Mark the Hat and Johnny stand in front of a bird
sanctuary. Mark the Hat is his usual self, desultory and mad,
talking a mile a minute about everything but the actual matter
at hand: a drug deal. Johnny is trying to purchase ecstasy.
It's midday and the birds are chirping. ]
Mark the Hat: Here's this bird, see, and he's saying to the others, "Oooh,
I'll fight with you," because he doesn't know what he's
doing. And then the others are like, "Fuck off! We'll peck
your heads! Oooh! We'll peck your heads something fierce!'
And see, that's why he doesn't have any feathers on his
head, that's why he's bald. He's got no bloody feathers
anywhere! (suddenly) Buy me a beer?
Johnny: (trying to not seem rude) Yeah, I see the bird's head. He's
pretty bald. Hey, hey, Mark the Hat, have you any ecstasy?
Mark the Hat: No, but I can get you some. Tell me something. In America,
you treat the English like pets, don't you? It's always, 'Let's
take the pet out to dinner' or 'Let's go show our friends the new
English pet we've made', or, 'Oh, look how cute, the pet speaks
funny!' Buy me a beer?
Johnny: Uh.
Mark the Hat: My favorite are the two lovebirds, though. You see them?
There was one, first, the boy, and he couldn't get along
with anyone here. Not one single bird liked him in the
whole cage and they were always picking at his head and
attacking him and he just kept saying, 'Oh, please, please
leave me alone! I wish there was another lovebird for me
to acquaint myself with'. So I went to the guy who runs
this, a nice sort, and I said, 'You've got to get another
of those, because otherwise that one will die of
loneliness'. So.. he got one. And now, look, they're as
happy as can be. Buy me a beer?
Johnny: So, how long would it take you to get me some ecstasy? We've
been really dying to get our hands on some more. The last time
we took it, it was beautiful, we went up the Tor and we could
see all the stars and the glare of the distant cities.
Mark tha Hat: Oh, that's sounds perfect. Well, it'll take me a few
hours, but if you want speed, I've always got speed, right
here in me bag. I've also got some acid, you know? The
two together are pretty much ecstasy. Same feeling, do you
want to do that instead? Cheaper, too. (screams:) Ooooh!
See that one, there, the yellow one in the birdhouse?
Watch him now! He does this everyday! He flies down, gets
some straw and tries to build a nest! He brings it up to
the birdhouse and when he goes to get another piece, it
always falls out! He's been doing it for two years, and
he's like, 'Bloody hell! Why the fuck won't this nest be
built and done with already?' He does it everyday! I've
been watching him for two years. I watch them for a few
minutes each day, have done so for years on end. It gets
me going in the morning. It's just a beautiful way to start
the day. Buy me a beer?
Johnny: So. how much is the speed and acid?
Mark the Hat: Well, that depends, it depends on how much you want. Buy
me a beer?
Johnny: Maybe enough for two people?
Mark the Hat: I'd say about thirty quid, give or take. Buy me a beeer?
Johnny: Well, I'll take thirty worth if that's fine by you.
Mark tha Hat: Ok, lemme get it out.
[ Mark the Hat begins to rummage through his bag, finally finding
a small container in which he stores his drugs. He removes the
container's lid, pulls out two small wrapping and hands them to
Johnny, who examines them and in turn hands over thirty pounds
to Mark tha Hat. ]
Johnny: Well, Mark the Hat, I've gotta be getting back to her, you know.
Can't just be expected to leave my girlfriend waiting for me.
She's alone in a foreign town, you know. (laughs a little,
awkwardly)
Mark the Hat: Aye, I understand. Buy me a beer?
Johnny: What the hell is wrong with you? I just gave you thirty pound,
buy your own fucking beer!
[ Johnny leaves. ]
[ Enter chorus. The chorus is made up of the women of the city,
mainly hippies, one or two older women convinced they are the
mouthpiece of angels. They watch Mark the Hat face the birds
and stare at them with rapt attention. ]
Chorus: Mark the hat! The harbinger of doom, he whom the gods
would destroy they first make mad, and Mark the Hat walks
towards destruction. Mad! He's mad!
Mark the Hat: (speaking to the Chorus) You'll not ruin it! You'll not
ruin my fun! Tonight a spectacle, and tomorrow, and
tomorrow, and tomorrow. And my fear is great that you have
taken my god from me!
[ Mark the Hat runs off stage hooting and hollering, presumably to
go buy some beer. Lights dim. ]
Scene Two - Ja! Ja! Rasta-Boom-Basta!
=======================================
[ The scene - a field before Glastonbury Tor. The Tor is cleared
visible in the background, remote and distant. Johnny and his
girlfriend, Elysium enter stage right. There's a bench in the
field provided for their leisure, and Johnny sits down on it,
Elysium sits on the ground next to it. They are, at this point,
cranked up. But it's early in their journey and so they aren't
completely out of control. ]
Elysium: Why'd it have to be speed? The acid, sure, I can deal, but acid
and SPEED?
Johnny: So you'd go psycho and rip my fucking head off, drive down the
freeway in a van, and throw my head at a passing car. Someone
did that in Texas you know. He really pulled an Icabod Crane,
no shit, I'm not lying.
Elysium: Between 1950 and 1991? 92? Disney made approximately two good
animated productions, and one live action-animation fusion. The
second was The Fox and The Hound which had this intense visual
style about it. dark and gloomy, like living on the inside of a
pillow case your entire life. The first was their dramatization
of The Headless Horseman.
Johnny: The early Mickey Mouse cartoons, they were funny. The early
Silly Symphonies, they were funny. Remember when they called
Goofy 'Dippy Dawg'? But, overall, Disney cartoons just weren't
funny. They couldn't compare with Warner Brothers, though, in
terms of humor. Disney cartoons weren't really funny once Walt
and the crew became respectable and started paying attention to
the mother's groups.
Elysium: Sure enough, but you and I are both aware that neither company
ever could or ever would hold a match to the Fleischers.
Johnny: Oh, oh, of course. Those were just brilliant. You see those
cartoons and you're peering over the edge of order and looking
into a huge vat of Chaos. My favorite is the one with Santa
Claus. Santa Claus comes off how you always wanted him to, not
sorry and sappy and this corporate entity there to humor kids,
but rather as this raving lunatic, incontinent with laughter,
who just can't help doing what he does because he thinks it's
all so grand and funny. That's what I'd want Santa Claus to be
like if I met him.
[ A pause. The drugs are kicking in. ]
Johnny: What was the live action-animation fusion?
Elyisum: (nervously) What?
Johnny: You know, you said Disney made a good live action animation
blended film, what is it?
Elyisum: (relived) Oh, oh, that. The Song of the South. The critics
slagged it for racist, but, still, when I see it, and hear that
music, and see that ol' Rabbit. Yeah.
Johnny: I liked Robin Hood.
Elyisum: What?
Johnny: I think Robin Hood, the Disney one with the fox as Robin and a
fox as Marian, and King John as a stupid lion with a snake
advisor, Little John the bear that bore a not-too-surprising
resemblence to Baloo, Allan-a-Dale as a Rooster with an American
accent and a blues guitar, all that. I liked that one, I really
liked that one. It was the balls. Did it have Will Scarlet? I
can't remember, for the life of me, I can't remember if it had
Will Scarlet. (trailing off) What the hell animal would he have
been. another fox? another fox.
[ He trails off as Elysium stares at him. She looks at him, she's
starting to shake, and she erupts into a scream. ]
Elysium: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Your husband Agamemnon returns! WHY
THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ROBIN HOOD? It's a terrible
movie and it's certainly not what I want to be hearing while
this shit starts rocking me! Please! Shut! The! Fuck! Up!
Johnny: What the fuck is your problem? What the hell did I do to you?
Elysium: Oh, I dunno, maybe it's this idea that I was somehow pressured
into taking this speed, when all I wanted to do was take some
ecstasy, climb the Tor, and experience the beauty of everything,
like we did last night.
Johnny: Well, god damn, (stressed) Sor-reee. I couldn't get us any
ecstasy, ok? I figured, I might as well get what I could. And
why the hell would I freaking want to pressure you into doin
anything? I could just as easily have pumped myself full of
drugs without you.
Elysium: Listen! Listen! It just doesn't matter, ok? Let's just drop it
and try to have a good time tonight, ok? I mean, just because
this night is just like every other night in our relationship
should be no reason that we can't enjoy ourselves, now should
it?
Johnny: Wonderful. You know what you are? You know what you are?
Elysium: What am I?
Johnny: Birds chirping at night.
Elysium: Fuck off.
[ Another pause. ]
Johnny: (not exactly meek, but not exactly headstrong, either) Do you
want to climb the Tor or what?
Elysium: Might as well.
[ They begin to walk off stage, enter the chorus. The chorus is
made up of reggae cows. The lights dim as they enter, so they
are only shapes of strange motion to the audience and to the
players. ]
Chorus: Night and Day. Oooohh. Night and Day. Oooohhhhh...
Ja! Ja! Rasta-boom-Basta! Ja would never let the wicked man!
Johnny: What the fuck are those things? What the fuck is this?
Elysium: I don't know!
[ As the Chorus chants, Johnny becomes more and more disturbed,
we see him shaking physically and pratically convulsing, while
Elysium seems to be looking for something on her person. ]
Chorus: I know that you're in love with him. Oooohhh. Ooooooh...
but, but, she's not in love with me!
Agonize, pine, hate, destroy, deny, what can I do?
the only reason I listen to so much god damned Led Zeppelin
is because I relate to the lyrics!
you know why I relate to the lyrics?
BECAUSE YOU MADE IT THAT WAY
(Also, they recorded D'yer Ma'ker. Ja! Ja!)
Johnny: And my fear is great that my death is upon me, and I can see the
outlined shimmering shapes through the lies and mists of my own
time, an eternal thousand flounderings of mystification and
magic, and though I have grown tired of my station I will
forever abide by it, because it is my station and I so
desperately want something to be mine. (To Elysium) We've got
to kill these fucking things. We've got to fucking kill them!
It's the survival of the fittest, and though I hate what I've
become and who you've made me, I can't bear to be without it!
(screaming) MURDER KILL MURDER DESTROY SLAUGHTER
[ As Johnny's rushing the Chorus, Elysium turns on her flashlight
and shines them on the cows. ]
Elysium: Your pharmacopia is betraying you, Johnny-boy, those are just
cows. They aren't out to do anything except chew cud and shit
all over the place. (points to the ground) See all that? That's
shit. Don't fall it in, because I'm just going to have to wash
your clothes in you do, and I think it's the least you could do
to avoid making a further mess for me.
[ Johnny and Elysium walk through the Chorus, Elysium first. As
Elysium passes on of the last members, it moves behind her,
blocking Johnny's path. ]
Johnny: (yelling in an almost falsetto) FUCKING COWS!!!!
[ Johnny walks around the cows and follows Elysium. ]
Johnny: When, you know, back there, I was just a little buggin' on the
drugs, you know? I wasn't really serious about any of that, you
know? Just a little fucked, just a little fucked. Hah ha ha.
And I haven't even peaked. heh heh heh.
Elysium: Sure, John, sure.
[ They walk off stage. ]
Interim One - Rape
==================
[ The interim - a field somewhere. The Tor is a little larger in
the background. Johnny and Elysium enter stage right. ]
Johnny: (with some real scorn) Do you remember how we met?
Elysium: (sitting down on the middle of the stage, and answering with
reserve) Yeah. I do.
Johnny: Do you ever think about it?
Elysium: I try not to.
Johnny: I think about it a lot. It changed both of us irrevocably, I
mean, I became this major figure in your life with an act of
kindness for which I desired no reward.
Elysium: (with total exhaustion, as if she's said this a million times
before) Yeah, well, thanks for saving me John.
Johnny: (misinterpreting her apathy for sarcasm) What? (yelling) You want
I should have left you there for the ghouls to violate? Yeah,
you bitch, you fucking twat, don't think I don't know what you're
doing. You fucking little twat! (Really flabbergasted! His
yells become almost like the squeal of a stuck pig) I really
should have left you there. Ha haha! You fucking whore!
Elysium: Sometimes, John, my love, I think, I think just maybe it would
have been better if you did leave me there. I mean, at least
then all the inept fumbling would have been unconscious and
involuntary, and would have taken, what, two hours of my life?
But instead, you rescued me, and I've spent the past four years
in your filth incrusted arms suffering beneath your gentle
caress which fill me with such a loathing that the bile stains
my teeth.
Johnny: You little fucking little fucking little fucking little bitch ass
twat! For you, my love! All for you! Filth incrusted embraces
and a miserable little hot-house that I saved at a party! A
little god damned piece of shit, a worthless hunk of flesh and a
waste of an ovarian ejection and seminary particle! I should
have left you, you know that?
Elysium: Yes, idiot, I think you've gotten to that already. Maybe it
needs a little more reiteration before I really get it through
my skull?
Johnny: I bet. I bet you would have liked it! I heard it's every
woman's fantasy! Fucking whore. Fifteen years old, at a party
full of her elders, guys all like twenty-one, fucking little whore
gets real drunk and passes out. I happen to stumble in on the
scene, I'm looking down at your little virgin cunt, supposedly
virgin, anyway, and this fucking piece of shit, this dumb mother
fucker who invited me to his stupid party for no good reason, he
looks up at me, points down to your passed out twat, and gives me
that look, that sex-look that guys get, and says, "You want first
dibs?"
Elysium: (screaming) Stop!
Johnny: And I'm looking here at your cunt, you've got no pants on, I'm
looking at your virginal mound, flesh little thing it was, a
little fat around the outer lips, and I realize you're about to
get gang-banged like no tomorrow! They're looking at you, and
they're saying, "Shit, this bitch is a good place to deposit my
lovely little sperm!"
Elysium: (yelling) Stop it! Stop it!
Johnny: And here's your fucking pussy with its sparse hairs gently
covering it, and all I can think about is how beautiful and
delicate the hairs look, how they drape over your cunt like mist
over the ocean. What a fucking parallel in my mind. These god
damned ghouls, absolutely FUCKING ghouls, I can see the grim
vizard of death over their faces, I know they're about to
destroy you, and they look like the most horrible things in the
world to me. And here's this scene, this fucking majestic scene,
something out of a painting by Monet! I could see infinity in
each one of those hairs reaching out from your virginal mound,
like they were trying to tenderly caress the sky above it,
tendrils of the earth towards the sun.
Elysium: (really shrieking now) STOP! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! STOP!
STOP! STOP!
[ As the following is spoken, Elyisum continues to scream out her
impotent protestations while Johnny screams his words over her.
The longer it goes on, the closer to the earthen floor she
becomes, until she is finally wilted and weeping. When he stops
screaming, only her weeping should be audible for about twenty
seconds. Absolute drug-induced bawling. ]
Johnny: (hollering) These electrical connections springing forth from
your loins! And then I look up and see they haven't fucking
taken your shirt off, the god damned sick fucking animals haven't
even bothered to take off your shirt, they're so interested in
pumping and humping! There is no pain like that of desire! And I
see you're wearing a shirt with a picture of Boba Fett on it, and
I decided I had to rescue you, you dumb fucking cunt, so I did it.
I simply went over, and picked up your form, and took you back to
my fucking house. And I didn't rape you, and I told you what
happened, and we got together, and I've been with your sorry ass
ever since. I wish to fucking GOD I had left you there! I wish
to fucking GOD your sorry ass had gotten raped and I wouldn't
have to deal with this shit. (he stops for a second and hears
her weeping) Stop fucking crying! Fight back, you bitch! Fight
with me! Do something! I'll kill you tonight! I'll kill you
tonight! (shrieking) Oh, you're dead now!
[ He moves over her body and stands silently above her, just
watching her weeping. ]
[ Suddenly, her weeping is drowned out by the sounds of
ritualistic drums. They're beating far in the distance, and
both characters look up towards the Tor, indicating that the
sound is definitely coming from there. ]
Elysium: (still tearful, but mainly scared) My god! What the hell is
that?
Johnny: It's coming from the Tor. It's coming from the Tor. What the
hell is it?
Elysium: Oh, god, oh..
Johnny: Is it demons? Maybe it's Gwynn ap Nudd!
Elysium: Oh.. Oh. (she makes a movement indicating she's probably going
to be sick.)
Johnny: We've got to go on. We've got to see what the noise is, c'mon,
come ON!
[ He pulls her up and pulls her off the stage. They exit stage
left. ]
Scene Three - A Good Mind is Not a Good Fuck Mate
=================================================
[ Enter Johnny and Elysium, they're at the base of the Tor.
Enter simultaneously, from the other side of the stage, the
Chorus. The Chorus is the women of the city again. The drums
are beating louder and continue through the entire following
scene. ]
Chorus Leader: (to Johnny and Elysium) Don't you think the problem is
that you aren't really compatible?
Johnny: What the fuck do you want lady?
Leader: I just see something in the two of you. I know it's absurd,
silly really, but I've got to express my opinion on it. I see in
the two of you a total and complete incompatibility.
Elysium: (seemingly interested) Why?
Leader: One, it's a relationship whose foundation is one of clay. You
got together, I heard, you got it on after he saved you from a
supposed fate worse than death, correct?
Elysium: (hesitant) yes.
Leader: Emotions were running high. People are liable to do anything,
en-Y-thing if it's motivated out a release of fear. Look at
wars. People do anything to try and escape the horror around
them. That's what started the relationship.
Johnny: So? People ended up together during the War for the rest of
their lives. We're all probably the result of wartime
relationships. All of us. My parents got together in 1984. The
war was in full bloom then, they were dissenters, they needed
an outlet. They're still together. Is their relationship based
on clay?
Leader: (ignoring Johnny, speaking to Elysium) The other fatality, and
perhaps the more important one, is the real lack of physical
connectivity between the two of you.
Johnny: (angered) What the fuck do you mean? What? What the fuck do you
mean?
Elysium: (pleading to Johnny) Please! I want to hear what she's saying.
this old woman of the city, she knows, I think, she knows what's
happening with us. I don't know how, but I think she does.
Really.
Leader: (to Elysium) You thought it would be great! You thought it would
be great! But a good mind is not a good fuck mate! Mark E.
Smith. There's got to be a connection, child, there has got to
be a physical chemistry, call it pheromones or some sort of
preference for the symmetry of one another's faces, but there
has got to be a physical connection for any relationship to
survive and flourish. You can't base it simply on an intellectual
connection. At the heart there's got to be a real chemistry.
Johnny: Great. Great. What the fuck (stressed) ever, you old fucking
bag. Why don't you get the fuck out of my face, why don't you eat
my shit? Why don't you just leave us alone? How do you know any
of this shit? How do you know any of this bullshit that you're
spewing, you haven't been there in bed, have you? You haven't
been there. No. You haven't.
Elysium: But I have. I have. and she's right.
Johnny: (almost inaudible) fuck you
Elysium: We'd be such great friends. If we weren't so tied to one
another in this sexual girl - boy relationship, if we could
exist just as friends who didn't care if the other was about
to freak out over some dumb shit nobody really cares about. I
mean, you know, if we were just friends and didn't have to
interact in this fucked emotional plane. We've got such a great
mental connection.
Johnny: (brisk) Yeah, whatever. Well, fuck that. Whatever. What-ever.
Yeah, well, whatever. (to the leader of the Chorus) WHAT THE
FUCK ARE THOSE GOD DAMNED DRUMS?
Leader: Are you so unaware of the date? Are you so unwary of time? It's
May Eve. May Eve.
Johnny: And?
Chorus: (sung, of course, to the tune of Teddy Bear's picnic)
If you go up to the Tor today
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go up to the Tor today
You'd better go in disguise
For every pagan that ever there was
Will gather there for certain because
Today's the day the Cult Members have their picnic.
Picnic time for Cult Members
The little Cult Members are having a lovely time today
Watch them, catch them unawares
And see them picnic on their holidays
See them gaily dash about
They love to sing and shout
They never have any cares
At 2 o'clock great Cthulhu and Yog-Sothoth
Will take them home to Yuggoth
Because they're tired little Cult Members
Johnny: I'm leaving. No more. Absolutely not. (To Elysium) We're
leaving.
Elysium: Oh, but, Johnny, I'd like to sit and hear more of what they
have to say. It's making sense, you know? It makes
sseeensssseee to me.
Johnny: I am absolutely-fucking-not staying for any more of this shit!
No way! Are you going to stay or are you coming with me?
Elysium: I don't know. (trails off)
Johnny: (furious) What the hell? How long have we known each other?
Four years? And how long have you known these people? Two
minutes? And you're actually contemplating staying with them
to listen to them bad mouth? Where's your sense of loyalty?
Where's your sense of friendship? What the hell?
Elysium: That's just it. it's been so long. I'm bored. I. don't. know.
It's different with them, it's something fresh and interesting
and all you ever are anymore is pain and misery. Can you
understand that when you walk by my side, it's like a walking
cancer? A death itself that consumes my heart. My like a flame
turned upside down.
Johnny: The sun a severed neck! We're leaving! NOW!
[ He grabs Elysium and half-drags her off the stage. The other
half of her is willing to go with him. It's not so much an
external struggle so much as an internal one. ]
Chorus: And while I can not say I have
Gone to Hell for your love,
I have oft found myself there
In your pursuit.
[ Lights dim. ]
Interim Two - Heavy Metal or No Metal at All
============================================
[ Elysium and Johnny enter on stage, and we realize they're
halfway up the Tor now. The ruins of the old church are
visible from above and the sound of the drumming is almost
deafening. They enter and Johnny sits down on a bench, scared
to go any further. ]
Johnny: What do you think's up there?
Elysium: (wryly) If I had to guess, I'd say the Cult Members picnic.
Johnny: Shut the hell up, sub-human scum.
Elysium: (to no one at all) This love. for you my love.
Johnny: Heavy Metal.
Elysium: Hm?
Johnny: Lyrics. You're saying lyrics to a Pantera song. Heavy Metal.
Elysium: Oh, well, I had no idea. Is this going to turn into your old
time-honored speech about how as human beings we should try
and elevate our emotions so they don't end up being direct
mirrors of heavy metal lyrics? Can you please tell me, once
again, about how my current mental and emotional time frame
are summed up by four guys destroying their instruments in the
name of music? And can you please, then add in that they
aren't even human? But are rather some sort of sub-human
primate.
Johnny: For use on sub-human primates and animals only.
Elyisum: What?
Johnny: FOR USE ON SUB-HUMAN PRIMATES AND ANIMALS ONLY. It's the label
on the bottles of ketamine, special K, the wonder drug.
Elysium: Answer me.
Johnny: Well. to be honest, sure, that's the speech you were going to
get, but you kinda pre-empted it.
Elysium: And how all of my joy can be summed up in a song by Extreme?
And all of your angst towards me is just Type O Negative,
pre-goth? And how Bloody Cum clearly expresses all the hatred
I can ever feel?
Johnny: All of that, yes.
Elysium: Metallica, Megadeth, GWAR, Napalm Death, Morbid Angel, Deicide,
Cannibal Corpse, Man-o-War, Sepultura, Cradle of Filth,
Entombed, Corrosion of Conformity, Iron Maiden, Danzig,
G'N'F'N'R, Emperor, Nihilist, and Bolt Thrower?
Johnny: (much ashamed) Yes.
Elysium: Well, great.
(They pause for a long, long time.)
Johnny: Well, what do we do now?
Elysium: Go up the Tor?
Johnny: What's up there?
Elysium: Probably just some kids with drums.
Johnny: What if it's something awful?
Elysium: Like what?
Johnny: There are some things man is not meant to know. What if it's
something so horrible and hideous that we never recover? The
final snap of our minds.
Elysium: Only one way to find out.
Johnny: I'm not kidding.
Elysium: Me either.
Johnny: I'm seriously scared.
Elysium: Don't be such a little girl. Come up the Tor with me, my love.
Johnny: (resolved to his fate) Fine. I'm ready now. Let's go.
[ As they get up to go, enter on stage the Chorus in the guise of
Heavy Metal people. Guys and gals, who cares, right? A healthy
mix of both sexes, only slightly predominated by the men. It
should be made clear to us that they are coming down the Tor.
From whatever was there. ]
Elysium: (to Johnny) Look, do they look destroyed? They came down from
the Tor. They're fine. (to the Chorus) Hello, metal people.
How are you?
Leader: We're just fine, and yourself?
Elysium: Oh, you know, just out for a stroll up the Tor.
Leader: I see.
Elysium: You would be able to tell us what that infernal racket coming
down from the ruins is? The drumming, what's it for?
Leader: You don't want to know. You also probably don't want to go up
there. I would not recommend it.
Johnny: (nervous) Why?
Leader: It can only lead to your downfall.
Johnny: I knew it. Just as I know that our fate is there. We're going
to have to go up that Tor.
Elysium: He's right. I can feel it, too. We've got to climb the Tor.
We've got no other choice.
Leader: Don't.
Johnny: We've got to.
Chorus: (sung, of course, to the tune of Teddy Bear's picnic)
If you go up to the Tor today
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go up to the Tor today
You'd better go in disguise
For every pagan that ever there was
Will gather there for certain because
Today's the day the Cult Members have their picnic.
Picnic time for Cult Members
The little Cult Members are having a lovely time today
Watch them, catch them unawares
And see them picnic on their holidays
See them gaily dash about
They love to sing and shout
They never have any cares
At 2 o'clock great Cthulhu and Yog-Sothoth
Will take them home to Yuggoth
Because they're tired little Cult Members
Leader: And you will surely find your own decay and dismay. And yea,
though you walk.
Johnny: Why sing the song of the others?
Leader: We are the others.
Elysium: What?
Leader: Though we may appear as the grim visage of Heavy Metal, we are
those who have followed you, guiding you through your life.
Johnny: Oh, Jesus Christ, will just get the hell out of my way so I can
scale the Tor?
Leader: The cows! The Women of the City! The Heavy Metal! We are all of
them as they were us. Heavy Metal or No Metal at All! Wimps and
Poseurs, Go on, Get out, Leave the Hall! On this night, this
night of all nights, there have been groups you have encountered,
and we have been them all. We have been following you, trying to
guide you away from this ascent up the Tor, where you can find
nothing but your own demise.
Elysium: Only tonight?
Leader: In the past, too. You understand us fully now due to your
altered psychic state.
Elysium: (to Johnny) Maybe we shouldn't scale the Tor.
Johnny: What? What the fuck? LOOK AT THEM, YOU STUPID BITCH! They're
just heavy metal people trying to fuck with us. They probably
read about pranks in the last issue of Guitar World and decided
they should try one. Fuck this. (to the Chorus) Get the fuck out
of my way. I'm going up the Tor.
[ Johnny begins to push his way through the Chorus, tossing
members left and right until he gets to the other side. Elysium
has not followed, and a wall of metal now blocks them from each
other. Johnny looks back and just sighs, as if he had expected
this result. ]
Johnny: Push your way through. Come on. We've got to go up the Tor.
Elysium: I can't.
Johnny: They're fucking lying to you! This is all some stupid metal
head prank!
Elysium: I'm. I'm not sure.
Johnny: Ok. Fine! (To the chorus) Name a time in my past, not tonight,
when you were present.
Leader: Remember the Coca-Cola deal? Does she know about the Coca-Cola
deal? Listen to my last words, any world. Listen to my last
words, any where.
[ Johnny is visibly stricken, for he knows the truth now. There's
a long pause. ]
Johnny: and what about in her life? You didn't happen to be there, say,
oh, four years ago, did you? You know, the night she almost took
on three guys? You didn't happen to be the drunken louts that
were on a mission of penetration, did you?
Elysium: (shocked) What?
Leader: (fumbling) Well, you see, that was necessary. (pleading) We
weren't going to rape you, we just needed to bring the two of
you together. so we could later split you apart. We've been
guiding and pruning the two of you for years. Slow sculpture.
You both needed each other.
Elysium: (shocked) What?
Leader: Well, you see.
[ The leader is interrupted as Elysium leaps on the Chorus and
begins to murder them all. Johnny is hesitant for a moment,
but then joins in the blood feast. The lights dim. When the
lights come back up, Elysium and Johnny are covered in blood
and barely able to walk on two legs, preferring all fours.
They stare at each other for a while and then walk off stage.
Various body parts are strewn about the stage floor. Legs,
arms, that sort of thing. ]
Scene Four - Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Ftagn!
===================================
[ The scene - The Tor! In the middle of the stage is a solitary
stone tower, the sole remains of an ancient church. The tower
can be entered from two different sides. From within, the
drumming. Around the Tower fires burn bright Around the fires,
pagans dance in the night. The pagans are attired in the
general dress of hippies. ]
Pagan #1: is the Lord of the wood, even to.and the gifts of the men of
Leng. so from the wells of night to the gulfs of space, and
from the gulfs of space to the wells of night, ever praises
of Great Cthulhu, of Tsathoggua, and of Him Who is not to be
Named. Ever Their praises, and abundance to the Black Goat of
the Woods. Ia! Shub-Niggurath! The Goat with a Thousand
Young!
Group of Pagans: (in response) Ia! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of
the Woods with a Thousand Young!
Pagan #1: And it has come to pass that the Lord of the Woods, being
seven and nine, down the onyx steps. tributes to Him in the
Gulf, Azathoth, He of Whom Thou has taught us marvels.on the
wings of night out beyond space, out beyond the.to that
whereof Yuggoth is the youngest child, rolling alone in black
aether at the rim.
Pagan #2: go out among men and find the ways thereof, that He in the
Gulf may know. To Nyarlathotep, Mighty Messenger, must all
things be told. And He shall put on the semblance of men, the
waxen mask and the robe that hides, and come down from the
world of Seven Suns to mock.
[ Enter Johnny and Elysium. They remain hidden, aside, where
the pagans can not see them. They watch the spectacle aghast
with fright and terror. ]
Pagan #1: Nyarlathotep, Great Messenger, bringer of strange joy to
Yuggoth through the void, Father of the Million Favored Ones,
Stalker among.
Group of Pagans: (chanting) Ph-nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl
ftagn!
Pagan #1: In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming!
Pagan #2: That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange eons
even death may die!
Group of Pagans: Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftagn!
Johnny: (aside and whispering to Elysium) Something must be done! They
mean to call up the black mercurial depths of chaos and release
it on the world. I've read certain. dread books, I know of what
they mean to do!
Pagan #1: (speaking to one of the subordinate pagans) Bring me the Psalms
of the Silent, for I need now to use it more than ever.
Pagan #2: In a world on a fishhook, you're the wave.
Random Pagan: Speak not of Innsmouth this night! Call not them to our
gatherings!
Elysium: (whispering to Johnny) What are they doing now? What's that
he's getting him?
[ The subordinate Pagan goes to a remote area of the stage and
fumbles with something, and returns carrying a book to the
first Pagan. He treats it as an object to be feared, and it
seems almost as if he's carrying something highly explosive. ]
Pagan #1: Psalms of the Silent! That manuscript of unholy terror, a
parchment made from the skins of unbaptized babies, and inked
with blood drained directly from their still pulsing hearts.
Speak now, speak now, ye dread gods, sing me your songs of
sorrow.
Johnny: (whispering to Elysium) It's the Psalms of the Silent. Only
scraps of information about it have filtered down. It's an awful
book. I didn't realize any copies were extant. At least they
haven't brought out the Mad Arab's work, Abdul Alhazred.
Pagan #2: (screaming out orders) Bring me the Necronicom! Tonight Great
Cthulhu from his house of R'lyeh is released, tonight Azathoth,
the blind idiot god, tonight his pipers play a little louder,
for the chaos expands, and Nyarlathotep brings a message of
doom! Ia! Ia! CTHLHU FTAGN! Ph-nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu
R'lyeh wgah'nagl ftagn!
Group of pagans: (chanting) Ph-nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl
ftagn!
Johnny: (whispering to Elysium) If they do what they mean to, our entire
way of life, everything we have ever known, will cease. We will
become unwilling slaves to the Great Ones, and our only salvation
from this new way of life will be in the natural release death
brings. For death will become an unguent, a soothing balm to
dress the wounds inflicted on our souls, bodies, and minds. And
even then, death may not come, for we are dealing with such
elements that master death itself. They may not take kindly to
their servants tapering into those black realms.
Elysium: (whispering to Johnny) What can we do?
Johnny: (whispering to Elysium) We've got to stop it. Our only hope lies
in murder. Already we have murdered this night, the blood is
still on our clothes. We must revive it anew and use it to
destroy them.
[ One of the lesser Pagans brings forth the Necronomicon. He holds
it in his hands and stands next to Pagan #2. ]
Pagan #1: Stop not with these books! Bring the Pnakotic Manuscripts and
fetch for me the Unaussprechlichen Kulten! All of these and
more will be needed on this night.
Elysium: I don't know what these books are, but their very name inspires
dread within my heart. If simply a name can create such a
resonance that it's passed down through racial memory, then what
must be within these books? We have to act.
Johnny: Yes! Yes! (screaming) YES!
Elysium: STOP THIS NOW!
[ Johnny and Elysium storm into the middle of the ritual. The
Pagans stare, stunned, and the drums stop. There's an awkward
pause as no one knows what to do. Everyone remains motionless.
It's as if a spell has been cast and everyone has been petrified
by its effects. ]
Johnny: (screaming) I will not and can not allow this to happen!
[ He grabs a stick from the ground, and runs towards Pagan #1.
He smashes in the face of Pagan #1, howling like a sick animal.
As we hear the sound of the stick smashing against Pagan #1's
face, it's as if the spell has been broken, and animation has
been breathed back into their limbs. Elysium leaps upon Pagan #2
and begins rending him to shreds. The drums beat again, now
louder than ever. Deafeningly loud. The other Pagans being
running around, trying to help their allies, but failing. ]
[ Johnny and Elysium kill their victims and attack other Pagans,
eventually slaughtering all the unholy worshipers. The drums
sound and intensity increases, over, and over, and over again
with each new death. When finally, nothing is left but the
slaughtered corpses and the sounds of drums. ]
Johnny: (screaming) WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE DRUMS?
[ Johnny runs into the Tower and repeats: ]
Johnny: (screaming) WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK ARE THOSE DRUMS?
[ From within the tower a scream of pain. The drums cease.
While this happens, Elysium runs around gathering all the
dread manuscripts and throws them all into the fire. ]
Elysium: No more.
Johnny: (yelling, echoing throughout the Tower and Tor) Finally, peace.
[ Johnny comes out of the Tower, and goes over to Elysium, who has
since fallen to the ground, and is rolling around in the
coagulate gore and tears of her own making. ]
Johnny: It's over.
Elysium: I guess.
Johnny: Let's go home.
Elysium: Home? How far home?
Johnny: All the way to America.
Elysium: I'm starting to come down. Christ, I have a headache,
Johnny-boy.
[ They exit stage right. ]
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #475, WRITTEN BY: AIDS - 2/3/99 !!