💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › magazines › HOE › hoe-0432.txt captured on 2022-06-12 at 12:30:00.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #432 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Run From My Car" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Paganini !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/15/99 !!
!!========================================================================!!
I have a problem. I hit things with my car. This, of course, is
usually not on purpose, but lately I have begun to wonder. It started
out small, with a squirrel and then a racoon-type creature, and then
slowly I graduated into cats and, God forgive me, dogs. Now, after
hitting an actual person, I have decided that maybe it is time I work
on this issue. Maybe it is time I sought some sort of help or twelve
step program. When I first got my license I went for a drive with my
grandmother. It was a nice drive, with my nice grandmother, down a
nice country road, when all of a sudden this squirrel comes flying
down from this tree. He had this determined, evil look in his eye, and
for one second he glared at me, and I froze up. I couldn't stop. My
foot was on the gas pedal and I was going. I hit the little bastard
and my grandmother has yet to forget about it. Every holiday, every
time we see her, she look at me, and with angst all over her face (ha!
Grandma you got angst on your face again...) She looks at me and says
"what are you gonna hit me too?" She's one of those "Don't Hit The
Animals With Your Car" people.
It began there and then it just moved up. I went fishing and on
my way home this little racoon scurried directly into the path of my
car, knowing that I would not be able to swerve in time, thus hitting
him. Months later I hit a cat on my way to school. I barely count this
one though, because it seemed to be limping before I hit it. Thus I was
not the initial hit. All of these are disturbing, yes, but not as
disturbing as the time I hit that dog.
Yes, I would say the dog was the hit that affected me the most.
This was awful. I had just gotten done running at the local bike path
(too many geese there- very scary), when I got into my car to leave.
Everything was fine. I was doing the speed limit and I was almost home,
when, out of nowhere, this dog comes running across the street, and I
crash into him. It wasn't as awful as it sounds. It was one of those
small, yippy dogs, but I still felt bad. I got out of my car and looked
at the dog. I couldn't figure out what to do with it. I wondered if
there were laws concerning this sort of thing. I wondered if I should
just drag it around to some place else, or if I should actually get
into my car and drive over the damn thing.
To make matters completely worse, I noticed that the dog was
still alive. Now, I have to say that I was kind of unmoved initially,
but when the dying dog looked up at me, with those golden eyes of
blue... tears came to my eyes. This is where the situation took a
turn. I heard a door slam, and a man came out of the house across the
street and looked at me and said "What the hell?!?" He was a scary man.
He was wearing a once-white but now grey t-shirt with the word "SHIT"
written on it. I don't remember what his pants looked like, but I do
recall him wearing them. A cigarette was tucked behind his ear, and
another dangled from his mouth. He looked pissed.
He came over to me, my car, and the dead dog, and said "What the
fuck did you do to my dog." Now, this was not the time for smart-ass
remarks. I see that now, but at the time I must not have been
thinking. I looked at the dog and pointed to my car and said "I hit
it." This is where the situation got weird. There were more door
slams, and more scary people. Children began spealing from this house
in mass numbers. Children were running towards me, and running to the
dog. There were 3, 25, 80 children all surrounding me and the car, and
they started to cry. So here I am, five blocks from my house, standing
on an uncomfortably barren street, surrounded by 115 children and their
supposed father. Perhaps the weirdest aspect of this whole ordeal, was
that all the children were calling the dog different names. One called
it Sam, and another called it Crunchy. To make matters interesting, I
had to go to the bathroom.
One would think that I learned my lesson from all this, but no,
I don't learn. I never learn. Ten months ago I hit a guy in the
parking lot of a (dare I say it) mall. He to was swearing at me, but
later we got to know each other, and we dated for nine months, until he
got another girl pregnant. Now, I just stalk him, but that's off the
subject. My point here is that things are always running in front of
my car and I am starting to wonder if there is a reason for all this.
Perhaps this is fate. Perhaps I was meant to hit these creatures.
Maybe they all had rabies, including the ex. Maybe they were all very
old and cancerous, excluding the ex.
Well, ten months have gone by, and I have not consciously hit
anything, except another persons car, which I don't really count. I am
looking forward to driving. I have never gotten a ticket and I have
never kept firearms in my car. However, would like to offer a few words
of advice. Stay away from my car. You should just stay away from my
car. You see, it is not my fault if I hit you. If my car is moving,
and you happen to swing down from some vine, directly in front of the
dented hood of my Honda Civic, I will hit you. Of course, you and I
both know that I don't want to hit you, but if I hit you, I might end
up dating you, or dragging you off the road and hiding you somewhere.
We don't want that. So, people, my name is Sara, and I am a bad
driver, so stay away from my car. Thank you and God bless America.
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #432, WRITTEN BY: PAGANINI - 1/15/99 !!