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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #398 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "The HOE Rejects" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Various Artists !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/4/99 !!
!!========================================================================!!
Sometimes I'm asked, "do HOE writers *always* know that they must
submit quality text files to your publication?" -- the answer, clearly,
is no. In fact, as surprising as it might sound, some people *have*
forgotten that HOE has standards. Yes, it's true, there are HOE rejects.
The following are some of these rejected HOE submissions. Some are
quite old, and might even extend into '94.
"But Mogel, if you are releasing these files in this issue,
doesn't that make them non-rejects, after all?" You catch on quick!
!!========================================================================!!
"THE JFK IS DEAD FILES!"
by Abigwar [11/17/94]
I know the secret to the question. The question about everything.
The question, about, THE FOUNTAIN OF THE ETERNAL WOMBAT! But that is
another story intirely. Ha! So there!
Also, i'm privlaged to know the secret in the JFK case. I shot
JFK. I admit it. The EoOtKoTwaT (Eternal order Of the Knights of The
wombat ancient Tree) has paid me 7 golden wombatian monitary units.
Worth about .03 cents. But that was all i needed.. For i was in it for
the publicity.
After i discovered that it was a crime to use magical bullets in
an act of murder, i decided that publicity was not something i should be
in surch of at that moment. The most common question that people ask me,
is: "Where did you get your magical bullet?" Well, the EoOtKoTwaT had
me buy the bullet from their Grey Market dealer.
"How much did the bullet cost?" is also asked alot. The bullet
costed about 3 golden wombatian monitary units. So after i spent the 3
wombatian coins, it left me with about 4 wombatian coins. Not much
money i must admit.
This is where Harvey comes into play. I prommised him if he gave
me $5 dollars, I would make him famous, and i guarnteed that his name
would never be forgot in American history. So i frammed him. I made a
grand profit of about $5.01.
Now, i am in it for the money, and i'm gonna kill the pr*s*d*nt
of the United States of AmeriKa. Hopefully i will make about $7.00
extra this time. And i will get away with it, just like the last time.
I also tried to kill Busch. And couldn't get the man to pay me,
so i made him famous, and he said he would pay me later. I hear he is
in jail, so i may never get my money. I'll be waiting though. Just you
wait and see.
!!========================================================================!!
"Fart"
by Visioknight [2/4/95]
My Dockers seem to shift in anticipation
Of this anal masturbation.
>> Oh man, can't make it to the can.
Hairy butt cheeks shift in turmoil
The mighty sphincter begins to coil.
>> The toilet calls, can I make it down the hall?
Wisps of methane float up in test
Of the forthcoming erupting crest.
>> Almost there, are you ready, underwear?
A mighty crack and it has begun
My walk to the bathroom has become a run.
>> The pants go down, I hear a faint sound.
A mighty blast from that nether place
And a puzzled look goes 'cross my face.
For almost as quickly as it had started
I had come to shit, but only farted.
!!========================================================================!!
"Life Sucks"
by AlphaBeta [Sometime in 1996.]
life sucks.
yeah, yeah, we've all heard that. it's a bitch and then you die.
general shit like that. but do we care? hell no.
we live out our damn existence as a one shot deal and then there
is no more. poof. it's gone. depending on what you believe, what
happens after that is up to you.
so who the fuck am i to be telling you that life sucks? life has
pissed so hard on me lately i'm drowning. but yeah, you say, it's
happened to me too. so?
ever watched as you crumbled, and realized what a fucking pathetic
waste of time your life was?
ever watched as you found out who your true friends were and
weren't, only to find out that you didn't have any true friends?
ever realize you're the most socially inept asshole on the planet?
i have.
life sucks.
i'm tired of watching as people decide to piss on me for their own
personal gratification. i've watched as three of my best friends in
the last week have just totally kicked me around and left me for dead.
i have to wonder often just who would show up to my funeral.
life is a shitter. it's designed that way. get up, got to work or
school, do routine crap, maybe do things with friends, go to bed.
that's life for you.
i'm so socially inept that i'm going to take a night position at a
job. i don't have to worry about going out on nights with friends
because i have no fucking friends. who gives a shit? better productive
time, right?
earn money, get a life. that's what they say. the man with the
most money is the best off.
who really gives a shit? i'll probably grow up to be some god damn
40 year old guy married (or maybe not at this pace) who spends most of
his time at home because there's no one he really knows or cares about.
damnit, i don't care anymore. i've handed myself over to the folds
of humanity and gotten torn to shreds. kicked in the ass. that's what
i get for being nice, compassionate, and caring in real life.
no one gives a shit anymore if you're the nice guy. everyone cares
about that magic two letter word: me. yes, that's right. "what's in
it for me?" "why should i care?" all these fucking people who pretend
to be importand but really aren't. that's life.
i won't be surprised anymore.
i just don't give a shit.
!!========================================================================!!
"Damn It!"
by Inner Logic
Ya know what i cant stand? Party Poopers. They really get my
goat. In fact, they even get my goat's goat, and ya gotta really suck
to get ol' hermans goat (herman is my goat). Anyways, on to the
bitchin.
A few weekends ago i went to an open house in another school
district. About 5 friends and I showed up with large amounts of beer
and herb (at the time of arrival we were all already stoned off our
asses).
So, we are all out on the back porch smokin bongs, gettin
zonked out of our heads when the party really starts hoppin. Music
was a-blastin, chicks were a-flirtin, and the beer was a-flowin. Then
some wiggers (more on these types of kids in future issues) show up and
start passin around glaces, ya know, hoping someone will look back so
they can start a fight. Right about this time had fallen asleep on the
couch with some girl (to this day i don't know who:) The next part of
the story is as told by witnesses, as i was knocked out. Most of my
buds were either gettin laid or sleeping, cept one...this big guy. The
big guy was TOTALY wasted..i mean really wasted!. So this one wigger
looks at my friend (the big stoned one) and my friend stares blankly
back. The kid walks up to my friend and says "wassup!?" "ya wanna get
loud wit dat?" and my buds like "huh? what?" so the pseudo homey starts
goin off "Ya Got Some Beef?!" "Lets Bring it out and fry it up right
here!" So my friend just walks away because he is one of those
non-violent people. Eventually there was a fight between my friend and
the kid, and my friend beat the living bejesus outta the kid. Remember,
all this time i was downstairs passed out on the couch. When i had
finally awoken from my slumber, I found that some kid had egged me and
the girl with me. that really sucked. So the punx were gone, and i was
left all egged up with nobody to get mad at. I was quite pissed!
Now you may be wondering what the fuck the point of that was.
The answer is simple, PARTY POOPERS SUCK!
The moral of this story is: Dont count your wiggers before
they throw eggs at you. Especially if you are sleeping, becuz that
would suck!
!!========================================================================!!
"Winter"
by Basehead
As the winter season and new year fall on us; the proverbial changing of
the seasonal and annual guard - we all tend to reflect more than usual.
Maybe it's the dim grey skies. the 6 hours of real daylight, the lack of
a sol-induced carefree nature. who knows?
I think alot depends on where you live. In New England, winter is a
love/hate relationship. It's hell if you plan on going anywhere, but
heaven if you're happy where you are. In California, they get a little
rain. boo hoo. in Florida, a few wind gusts. aww. You haven't
experienced winter until you've lived through a New England winter.
The seasons are not merely a reflection of a specific etched timeframe
on a calendar. They shape our lives, moods, emotions.
To some of us, new year is an excuse to get completely blasted (read:
tradition), and to fake some kind of global exuberance via party-favors
and vodka. Some of us pretend we care; giggling out a new year's
resolution while reeling from a few shots of our choice alcoholic
beverage - taking a drunk female home and fucking her into a frenzy,
or whatever. this is what it all comes down to?
Do we ever really take a minute to begin to imagine how amazing our
existence is; how in fact lucky we are to see the beginning of another
year? Probably not.
I don't want to scare you into skipping this article, so i'll move on
for now (i wouldn't want you to use your head or anything.)
Snow.
How amazing it is. Little crystalized versions of frozen precipitation.
Melts in your palm before you can get a good look at it, but together,
billions of these little buggers have caused entire cities to be without
electricity, without water. they've caused extended closings of
businesses and schools, resulting in the loss of valuable work time, and
been responsible for innumerable deaths and injuries. Snow is a real
fucking asshole, it seems.
I'm sure we all have our different ideas about this mysterious white
stuff. Let's take a look at some typical responses:
-- Ok, anybody up for some word association?!@ Alrighty!
-- first: "SNOW!"
- skiing enthusiast: "god"
- m0rph: "warez"
- kindergartener: "santa"
- 3rd grader: "sled"
- 10th grader: "shovel"
- Ike Turner: "coke"
...you get the idea.
Is Snow a saint or a sucka? You decide.
Winter is the ideal time for all the angst(copyright c and circle by
NIN, Inc.)-ing teens to wallow in that fiery pit with walls of brimstone
-- self pity. Yeah, that's right.. you pieces of shit. Cry your eyes
out cuz it's not gonna get any better.
angst teen #1 -- "boohoo!@ my life sux. eye am gonna go put on black
eyeliner and black clothez. then i'm put on some
Bauhaus, lock myself in my rewm, pull the shades, and
scream satan's name in 50 languages until he comes to
take me away.
Oh what's that, mom? I can't hear you, let me turn the
music down. Ok.. oh alright, i'll be down for dinner
in a sec. Let me get this damn eyeliner off."
angst teen #2 -- "boohoo!@ i have nowhere to go in life. i guess it's
time to fuck everyone i meet and do some heavy drugs
to pass the time. after all!@# N0B0DY CAREZ@#@!"
angst teen #3 -- "boohoo!@ i only got a 3.9gpa this semester.. i'll
never get into Princeton. m0mz and dad will kill me!
I'm going to slit my wrists. FUQ Y0U ALL!@"
Fuck off, just fuck off. You're alive, aren't you? Make something of
yourselves, you fuckwits.
Come on now, enjoy yourself this winter. Think of the implications of
winter: presents, family, snowball wars, landscape, beauty.. be thankful
for it, revel in it for awhile.
You've got a lot to be thankful for. Even doodleboys have alot to be
thankful for. After all, they have their ehmm... doodles.
Most of all, be thankful this year that you have DTO to keep your
intellectual choo-choo train on track. Fear mogel.
..finally..
Advice for everyone who wants nothing more than to finally have a good
year in 1996:
.. ermm..
.. well
.....
don't we all?
I'm still looking for the magic formula.
!!========================================================================!!
"Eating"
by Ippy
hey. lookie here, whats this? your typical family; son, daughter,
mother, and dear ol' daddy. bonding, how crucial!@ ahh, lets goto a
restaurant. yah, thats the ticket!@$( we'll have the feminines on one
side, and the masculine on the other, conversvative tonight. mm. --
woo!@ look here, so many things to choose burritos, tacos,
enchaladias, what? no substitutes for entree tre. ermm, i'll just go
ahead and munch down on the complimentary bag of tortilla chips, mm,
salsa!@ "waiter, another basket of chips, please."; "coming right up."
...oh, silly me; back to menu!@ the hidden wonderland, i choose my
destiny. la la la.. these chips are kinda salty, oh well. "thanks!"
little susie exlaimed, as she was handed a plate full of the pre-entree
entrie; not knowing daddy had ordered some motzerella sticks, and nachos.
mm. geez, i've already had 2 refills of this diet coke!@ "another diet
coke, ma'am." okay, "i'll get the 3 enchaladia course," johnny stated
in his mind; as he grabbed more nachos. mm. we ordered over 20
minutes ago, meal should be here soon$#@$! la la la.. "woo!@". "the
plate is hot, be careful", oh. alrighty. mm. this enchaladia is good,
seemingly a lot more food on the plate than i had expected. -- refried
beans and all, what a treat!@ ugh, uh-oh.. i'm kinda full. "ma'am,
would you mind boxing the remains of my meal?" ..mm. "heres your bill".
oh, well, have my k0de!@# "alright troops, back home!@" daddy
exclaimed as they carried each others boxes to the car.. leftovers,
neat. -- THERE. la la la.. oh, uhm. my point? go to the fucking
restaurant, order your apetizers, and leave. bah.
!!========================================================================!!
"The Little Poop That Could"
by Cerkit [12/95]
the slam of the door was heard an echo that a thousand times of
any sound displayed to man's ears before. the flop of his ass unto the
toliet again laid sound a new to man's ears. suddenly the little poop
made his way free. slowly he crept through each part of his
intestines... climbing... slowly. the crawling walk took nearly twenty
minutes.
then suddenly... he made his way unto an area unknown to it. the
stool was worried. the cheeks tried to comfort the poor stool. lying
about its destination. telling it how great things would be for it. it
knew this was the end of its days. it didnt have the strength however,
therein to sustain the journey. the cheeks coax'd the poor poop.
"i can't... i just cant do it!#"
"you can... you can, i tell you!@ i've seen it a million times."
"i won't make it... i'll die in the fall or... or... worse...
i'll be torn into halves."
"you can. you can."
the ass cheeks consorted secretly... planning to reverse the
logic.
"you're right, poop, you can't."
"uhm. you dont think i can now?"
"i know it. you're a reject."
"oh yeah?!@ watch this!@"
the little poop made his way... harder and harder he tried with
each motion. wiggling... pushing... pulling himself out. stretching
and constricting. he worked himself futher out. he tried with all his
might.
"i think i can... i think i can... "
"he'll never do it."
"i think i can... i think i can... "
the poop worked. the poop stretched & constricted again.
"he'll never do it."
"i think i can... i think i can... "
the poop gave it one last effort... with a great "arg@!#" and an
extra "umph." hanging by a small thread the poop gave out a hideous
sinster laugh. he urged forward. he lundged futher on, and with a
small "pluck@!#" he came completly free. one "sploosh@!" later he found
himself sorrounded by water. he faught with the current.. and as the
air aged in him he slowly began to drown. he found his fate. he worked
for his own death. as the final breaths left in him.. drizzled out.. he
choked a final "guhblahukumerf@!" and sunk-away in the swirl of blue.
!!========================================================================!!
"How to Break into an Abandoned house"
by Everlast [9/10/94]
What you need: A flashlight
Mace/Pepper spray
A touch explosive (Optional)
Breaking into an abandon house is fairly easy. You need to plan this
out before you actually do it, though. Here's some definite things you
need to plan out. If you see a person there or something moves, MACE!
Even if it was just a rat, it won't bother you the rest of the time!
And another even FUNNER way to do it is the touch explosive. One thing
for a touch explosive is those snappers that you throw on the ground,
but open lots of them up (BE CAREFUL) and make a huge one. It packs a
lot of power. You DEFINETELY need at least 3 people. These people
help assure your enterance and also you won't get in as much trouble.
Make sure you wear crappy clothes because these damn houses are filled
with dust and spider webs and shit.
First thing to do: Look for an entrance that is not visible to
houses, roads, etc. If the entrance is a window - try to open it.
This is the best way. If this doesn't work, DO NOT BREAK IT! That is
hard evidence that someone broke into the house. Look for a door or
another window that opens. you find a door not visible to
houses/streets, kick it open. This may sound stupid because doors are
hard to kick open, but not in abandoned house it is probably eaten up
by termites. After open, it's easy from there. Go into the house.
Some people might think it's smart to yell "Hello?", but think about
it. If you were at your house and you hear the door being kicked open
and someone yells "Hello?" would you answer? No, I think you'd go for
your 40 gague. Well look around! If you hear or see ANY sign that
somebody is living there, GET THE FUCK OUT! Ways to look for signs
of someone living there look at the phone books, letters, things like
that. The plan: Check the downstairs first. A few thing will be in
here that are good to get. Second: Check the second floor. Look for
a bedroom. The bedroom is where a tv or a stereo would proabaly be,
and they might also be in the downstairs. Third: ATTIC! This is the
jackpot. Boxes and boxes and boxes. Check all the boxes. Here's
where I found most of my stuff.
Things to remember while you are looking through the house:
1. Try to avoid windows. If anyone sees you you're in deep shit.
2. At any floor above the second, look for pillars on the floor.
Step on the pillars because these houses are so damn old the
floor could break at any second.
3. DO NOT go in the basement. The steps are so old that they could
break. And if you get stuck in the basement you'll be in trouble.
If you were on the second or third floor you could always jump out
a window.
4. Be careful! If you leave any evidence that someone was there they
could go searching the neighborhood. Make sure the door is shut
tight, and make sure if you opened any windows that you shut them.
Here's some things I found when I went into an abandoned house:
1. Two speakers (HUGE)
2. A camera (Sortof old but could sell)
3. A GUN (Real old, probably doesn't work)
4. Lots and lots of pennies (Worth at least $20)
5. A Television (Old, proably works though)
6. Lots of books (Your right, who the hell cares)
7. A knife (Pretty good one)
8. An alarm clock (Plug in one, again who the fuck cares)
9. A set of silverware (WHO THE FUCK CARES!)
10. Batteries (Expired in '91, still might work)
11. A pinball machine (I have no idea why nobody took this already)
Consequences if someone catches you:
1. Juvenile Court (For trespassing/breaking and entering)
2. Warning (Don't do it again, youngin'!)
3. Community Service/Other Services
The best way to get out of this if someone catches you say "I didn't
know" or say "it was just our secret clubhouse".
It was a dark, dark night. My friends and I were at this party
at this ugly girl's house and it got really boring. The "highlight" of
the party was playing spin the bottle for hugs. We had heard that the
hottest girl in our school, Adriene Wolff was going to be there. Those
fuckin liars. Why we thought that the hottest girl would be at this
party was beyond me. So....as the party dragged on and on...I said i
had to "go to the little boy's room". As I went upstairs I noticed
that directly next to her house was an abandon house, or so it seemed.
I looked closer. Nope, no sign of life there. Well me and my "bad"
self thought of something. I went downstairs and talked to my friends
about it. We decided that we'd all sneak upstairs and go out to that
abandon house. So that's what we did. Little did I know what would
happen next.
The door kicked open fairly easy, and my dumbass friend yelled
"Hello?". Shithead. I told him that he was a stupid fuck for yelling
that. Well we entered. We stared at all the cobwebs in the house.
What a "scary" effect. Well we looked through the downstairs. Nothing.
I expected to find something, anything. We were all VERY dissapointed.
We all glanced upstairs simultaneously, and we rushed to see who would
get there first. I did, not that I'm the fastest runner of all of us
though. I saw what appeared to be two bedrooms. I looked in both of
them. All they had was books. "Awww...... shit!", I yelled.
Well as I looked on, I saw this rat. It scared the shit out of
me. With the mace I stole from the "party girl's" mom's purse, I hit
the rat directly in the left eye. I called all of my frinds in to
watch the fun. I've done it before, and it really is cool to watch.
But as I watched this one, it seemed different from the others. It
looked like it was hurt, but it's eyes weren't tearing or he wasn't
rubbing them or anything. As we all watched further, the rat seemed to
be growing larger. My friend had a homeade M100 with him, and he was
as scared as all of us. He was the one who shouted out "Hello?" as we
entered, and I didn't think he would've been as smart as he was. He
lit off the M100 right on top of the rats head. The rat twiched for a
moment, but still began to grow larger and larger. It grew almost as
high as my left knee, and was fat as shit. So my friends and I did what
every smart person would do....run. The wind was howling through the
half open window.
As we were running, we thought we heard the wind. Except the
wind doesn't manually pump a shotgun. In one second my best friend
Kevin was shot in the back. As I looked behind myself, I saw a tall
black figure but I couldn't focus on the face. I ran as fast as
possible, and so did my friends, but it wasn't fast enough for one of
my friends. Once more, a shot fired. I heard a grunt, and a fall. I
ran out the door faster, faster, and faster. I didn't waste time and
stop at the party house, I ran straight to the police station, about
2 miles away. I told them what had happened, and they put me in a car
and drove with the sirens on to the house. As I could see everyone
from the party was standing outside, staring. I looked at all of
their faces. Shock. The policemen entered, I followed one of them,
they looked around the first floor, and I directed them to the second.
They told me to get in the car. I couldn't believe it. I wish I saw
that face. I thought about it for at least 10 minutes. A policeman
came close to the car and looked at me. He said, "Is this some kind
of joke?". "No officer, I saw two of my best friends being shot in
that house!". "Well son, you must be seeing things because all we
found in that house was spiderwebs and bat shit."
Just remember:
THIS TEXT ARTICLE IS JUST FOR INFORMATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY! (Hehehehe)
!!========================================================================!!
"My stufsfsfsfs"
by Kaos [10/94]
These questions inside my head keep popping up one after
another. The world a bitter hellhole, where slaves of themselves roam
around with no rules. Socitey thanks the rich, spits on the poor and
anyone in between is caught in a cauldrin of hate. From mice, to men,
to all. The death of the law had come at no better time than now. When
else could we rise up and avenge the endless bullshit that mindlessly
pours through society while filled with rage and anger. Hell is inside
of us all and the truth is far from being exposed. The brilliant die
young and all who follow die with them. What is this mindless crap
inside of our heads? Who cares? The scum of the earth are not the
evil, they are the gifted. The only things men have brought upon
themselves is tools designed for destruction NOT for the purpose of
harmony and peace. I can't explain these questions inside my head.
Generation gaps maybe. Who can know what truly lurks within them?
The gods, the rulers, and the dead...
!!========================================================================!!
"Tales of a Troubled Chick"
by Anjee [10/98]
over the hills and far away, teletubbies come to play.
*pause*
<backspace>
once upon a time, there was a girl named angie. quite an odd
girl she was. she would spend countless hours typing away to seemingly
non-existant beings over some little wonder called "irc". however, the
fact that she has no life in no way relates to the story i'm about to
spit out. or does it? i don't know, you be the judge.
anyway, one day, little miss angie's tummy started to harrass
her for food. food, of course, would be considered as something
edible that can be cooked in 10 minutes or less. SO. angie raided her
home, in search for something to fill her tiny little belly. as she
opened the freezer door, a box of delicious-looking smartie ice cream
magically appeared in front of her eyes. as if angie was caught in
some kind of a trance, she slowly retrieved the ice cream from the
freezer and fled to the kitchen for a spoon.
time quickly passed as angie scraped the bottom of the box
(there wasnt much smartie ice cream left anyway, she wasnt a pig i
think). anyhow, as she digested her tasty but pathetic excuse for
food, angie felt the need to pay a visit to mister potty. as she let
human excrements flee from anus, she felt enormously relieved. she
stood up and flushed the toilet. however, she accidently glanced at
what her body had just rejected and what did she see? *gasp* angie
saw a smartie! a whole green smartie.
um..
heh.
no, ok. bye.
!!========================================================================!!
"Every Day"
by Magimaster [12/95]
{ I put this self-description in for you cause I didn't know if I was }
{ supposed to write it or not. Delete all lines encased in braces }
magimaster; writer - a newbie. still trying to figure out the language
of the elite. a combatant looking for a new place to battle. a
seeker of knowledge and a wanter of power. the magimaster is
considered by friends and classmates as being 'too nice.' you
can never be too nice. though he's never surfed the net, he
seems to creep knowledge out of places where others have failed.
???
??
???very morning i seem to awaken in the same fashion. a small
pocket of anarchy flops around in my head trying to return me to the
unruling world of sleep. i struggle every day with it; some days it is
more powerful than others. on most days, i can overcome it. sometimes,
it is just too powerful for me and i drift off into a dream. but when i
can overcome it, then things get even more interesting. i must suddenly
realize that i am no longer in the phantacy world that i just departed
from. no, i am now in the real world. so i go downstairs to be greeted
by a bitchy little 13 year old sister whining about the b+ she got on
her report card. great. it's even better when my mom sends _her_ up to
awaken me. she has this really bad habit of putting our ferocious but
friendly kitten on my face to wake me up. well, at least she does a
good job. but anyways, back to downstairs.
so i go out to the kitchen, then suddenly realizing what i'm
wearing, and wander back upstairs to get dressed. after all, i don't
think too many people would appreciate it if i came to school in boxers.
now i'm in my room. suddenly that little pocket of anarchy, which has
now been shoved into the back of my head, taps my visual cortex and sees
my bed. it leaps forth, urging me to let today go to hell and sleep.
it uses the most evasive ploys to do so too, like "it's really night.
go to sleep," or "you might want to think about that offer your mom
made about your allowance being raised here, sleep on it." yeah.
right. i proceed to shove it back to it's previous resting place and
get dressed. i notice that i don't have anything to wear. i return to
the kitchen only to find that my clothes are sitting on the ironing
board. shit. i just wasted 15 minutes on nothing. great. so then i
get dressed. i pour myself a massive bowl of corn flakes with about a
cup of sugar, only to find there's no milk. then i hear my sister
behind me say to my mom "oh, i forgot to tell you last night that we
needed milk." double shit. throwing the damn corn flakes away, i
proceed to scold my sister, only to be scolded by my mother. hell of
a day. so i get to school. of all the stupidly ironic things to
happen, i get a pint of milk spilled on me, and my 145 point physics
project. triple shit. what a morning. i could write you a whole 10
page essay on just one day of my life. bad days suck.
!!========================================================================!!
"Calling All Assholes"
by Phairgirl [11/98]
Man, I hate nice guys.
I like to fuck evil men who slap me around, treat me like the
bitch I am.
You got short hair? FUCK YOU. I want a long haired, crazy
bastard who can put away a fifth of JD and not even feel it.
Where's your fucking motorcycle? Christ, you can't get a hard-on
from driving a Honda Civic. And I'm not going to get off riding in the
back, either.
And when you're not busy fucking me, you better be fucking my
best friend. She's a crazy, loose whore who likes to ruin my life.
Doesn't get any better than that.
Knock me up and deny you're the father. Man, that's the shit I
live and die for. Lie about every place you go, cuz I don't wanna know
about all the volunteering you do at the nursing home. When you're
out, you better be out with the boys, hustling pool and busting up the
bars.
High school graduates are such a turn-off. And that pussy-ass
GED tells me, you care more about your mind than fucking. You can't
fuck your mind, asshole.
Just shut the fuck up, hit me with a bottle of Corona, throw me
down and spread my legs, baby. I don't want a nice guy. I wanna PARTY!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
!!========================================================================!!
"Jubjub's Guide to Story-making"
by Nybar [7/96]
Jubjub: "First.. get an idea. Then write it down. Make sure to
use grammar proper. Also.. make sure it has correct
spelling. Then.. come back an hour later and redo it"
Nybar: "Uh huh"
Jubjub: "Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah"
Nybar: "Ok"
Jubjub: "blahblbahblahblahblah"
Nybar: "Yeah"
Jubjub: "blablahblahblahblahblah"
Nybar: "I gotchya"
Jubjub: "Blahblahblahblahblah"
Nybar: "Oh yeah.. me too"
Jubjub: "Now go and write the best story you've ever written!"
Nybar: "OK!!
And then I wrote this and gave it to him. HAHAHA$#@!
!!========================================================================!!
"Priests"
by Oodles [4/96]
i always wondered what goes on in a priests mind when you tell
them all of your sins. being a holy man (the priest that is, not me,
hell i'm not even a man), the priest can't really convey his feelings
(or so i thought), so he has to keep them inside, which must be pretty
damn sexually frustrating for him. recently, i went to confession.
being the good catholic girl i am, i felt obligated to tell all of my
sins to this lucky priest. it was a face-to-face confession, which as
many of you catholics out there know, is quite frustrating. you don't
get to sit in that little secluded box where the priest can't see your
face, you have to look him straight in the eye and tell him
_everything_. i had a few tiny bad things which i had done (bad by the
church's standards that is anyhow), so i was especially uncomfortable
telling them to this priest, but i did it anyway. i'm a strong girl,
hear me roar. roaaarrrrr! the following is the conversation between
me and this priest. let's call him father perv.
(enter the room and sit down facing this fat hairy blob of a
priest.)
father perv : hello my child.
me : um. bless me father for i have sinned. it has been
one year since my last confession and these are my sins.
(long silent pause while my eyes gaze around the room.)
me : um. well. i did some things which my boyfriend which
i feel a little guilty about.
father perv : touching, or all the way? (making some funny arm action
like a drunken man in a bar finding out about his
friends sex ventures from the previous night.)
me : um, all the way...
(father locks me in an uncomfortable stare.)
father perv : did you enjoy it? oh how many occasions did this occur?
[and other various questions totally irrelevant to the
absolution/confession itself. i was waiting for him to
ask what i was wearing at the time and if i had happened
to have video taped it and would be willing to loan him
a copy to have his way with.]
me : um.. i don't know. it was with my boyfriend. i love him
and stuff.
(father perv asks more questions making me feel more and more
uneasy as the seconds pass. finally after questioning me for a good
twenty minutes, he asks if i had any other sins which i felt guilty
about. maybe he was expecting some tales of masturbation or other
things which he could pry into and get off on. i respond with basic
things such as being mean to a parent or something stupid normally
confessed by a 3rd grader.)
father perv : okay. say ten hail marys and 3 our fathers.
me : thank you father.
(i get up and prepare to exit the room as quickly as my legs can
take me.)
father perv : hey. wait. one more thing. next time, _KEEP YOUR LEGS
TOGETHER_.
(i almost fainted. a priest. telling me to keep my legs
together? a priest!? what the fuck was going on. a holy man as he,
saying such lude things to a 16 year old girl in a catholic high school?
i proceeded to ignore his comment and walk out of the room shutting the
door behind me. father didn't take anyone else for confession for the
rest of that day, and mysteriously kept that door shut and did not come
out. i don't even want to know what he was doing in there. sigh.)
!!========================================================================!!
"h0e & Me"
by Orestes [8/96]
+-----------------------------+---------------------------------------+
| .,.,. _____ | |
| ':`-.`` | \____ | |
| :;.. ) | | | before i started writing for h0e, i |
| `:: -| | | | was very confused. i lived my life |
| -~-~~~- |___________| | with much free time, but i couldn't |
| | | | | | honestly say that i was ever happy. |
| | | |____________| | |
| | |
+---------------------+-------+--------------+------------------------+
| | | .xx. |
| | | //..\\ |
| even the sex with | & it wasn't that | /(.__.)\ |
| my girlfriend was | she didn't meet my | __.---' `---.__ |
| not fun. it left | obnoxiously normal | ( o )( o ) |
| me unsatisfied. | american ideals. | \ / |
| | | | | |
| | | |
+---------------------+----------------+-----+------------------------+
| | |
| | |
| but when everyone saw me and mogel | indeed, my stardom brought |
| chilling out together on irc chans | with it the perquisites of |
| they realized that i was something | a bonafide celebrity: |
| not to be ignored. they became my | |
| friends. & my lovers. | "all mah boys" |
| | |
| | |
+--------------------------------------+------------------------------+
| .-. \-/ .-. vv |
| | ' (o o) ` | / || \ |o.| |
| | ).-.`-'.-.( | | __ | |, | |
| |___ ___| | () | -- |
| [__ __] \____--____/ || |
| |
| m0g #acid cerkit |
| |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
| 0YZGETCH1X-*-H0EMENGETB0YZ-*-H0EB0YZGETCH1X-*-H0EMENGETB0YZ-*-H0EB0 |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
!!========================================================================!!
"Real Life Story"
by Apollo [10/96]
this is from real life.
a guy who works with me tells a story. it goes something like
this:
"one day, i thought i could improve the work morale around here,
by taking a dump and not just letting gas out all day in the office.
so i go to the bathroom, but NO! there's somebody reading a paper in
there. can't people like, hurry up?"
oh, hummn.
!!========================================================================!!
"Pay Attention, You Might Learn Something"
by Lucky [4/95]
ok this is my new rady-rad insert for h0e, sure to be a classic.
hey asshole! yeah i'm speaking to you turn off your snoop
doggy-dog and your nin and listen closely. i bet you did it too haha.
why are you even sitting in front of your computer, i bet you just got
off a chat board somewhere and you're all depressed because nothing
exciting happened like usual. well guess what!? nothing exciting is
ever gonna happen while you're sitting in front of your computer, shit
why am i even sitting in fron of my computer i'll tell you why we're all
doing the same shit day in and day out because it's gotten into a
routine out computer is now our best friend.
and why to we even waste out time going onto these "chat
boards" because we think that the people on there are out 'friends' and
because we get really cool 'elite' files. bullshit we do this because
we have nothing better to do. if i asked anyone of you including myself
to not use your computer for a week you couldn't do it it's like smoking
you're used to it, it's become part of your life, now isn't that
pathetic. from here on out none of you will see me untill september
first, exactly a month after my birthday which is when i'll pull the
plug on this infernal thing.
i've seen people cry over what other people think about them on
a board, some people think what they say and who they talk to really
matter, some people say they want to meet people get a fucking life hit
the power switch and go talk to real people. get a job, help senior
citizens, jerk off, do something productive. the reason for all of this
is because i've gotten sick of what i've been seeing i'll go on a board
and people will have their own little groups and they'll talk and laugh
and make fun of people just for something to do, then they'll critisize
people and get all bent out of shape when someone says something to
them,
also i've seen staff on these boards actualy think they have some
sort of power that nobody else can have and they try to save the little
uptight asshole in the telconferance like they're a super hero. "i have
moofing power" was actualy said to me once "you can't do that" "why not?"
"because i said so and i'm staff" "but you're still a dork" instant log
off. i've also seen users to mistake this key that a sysop gives them
for power, "hey look at me i have arrest power!" well fuck them too,
they're dorks also and then after all that they have the nerve to ask
people to pay for their shitty board.
well my final thought is, turn off and lock your computer for a
week see if you can do it, then if u can last a week try a month and see
if you can do that too, then after you do that then you can write me
mail saying how wrong i was but untill then shut up.
!!========================================================================!!
"...And On A Boring Afternoon"
by Styx [3/13/97]
hey!! look at me!! i took over the porn mecca of IRC, #sexpics!!
*** Log file opened: 3/13/97 1:40:06 PM
*** styx [dropdead@ip66.phila7.pa.pub-ip.psi.net] has joined #sexpics
[this is where i rode the netsplit in!!! i cut out all of the /joins!!]
*** styx sets mode: -oooo _Lucy_ |HP| |Minus| |Orion|
*** styx sets mode: -oooo |TDK| Doom3 Gimp Memorex
*** styx sets mode: -oooo Spyke TruBBle WeBBeR z0s
*** styx sets mode: +si+lk 54 Takeover
*** styx changes topic to "-={UTOPIA-43 v2.3b(pHuCk OvEr MoDe)}=-"
*** styx sets mode: -l
*** styx sets mode: -i-k Takeover
*** styx sets mode: +m
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*** Log file closed: 3/13/97 2:11:03 PM
!!========================================================================!!
"How To Get Passed School Metal Detectors"
by The Terrorist [12/94]
Welcome, you are about to embark on the first HoE writing by
The Terrorist. This week you'll learn the tricks of the trade on how to
go passed those damn metal detectors at your school. I was inspired to
write this after seeing all my boyz and da niggaz from my school getting
arrested cause they were to stupid to hide their weapons.
So, its about 8am and your ready to go to school, all dressed up
in your Polo (tm.) gear with your Fila (tm.) kix, your beeper, your
blade, your nickle plated nine, or whatever you bring with you depending
on how bad you think you are. When you arrive at school you happen to
notice that all the people are directed to go in the same door, and that
all the other ones are locked. Guess what.. Your school is having a
search today.
Thinks That Will Get Confiscated:
Guns (errr durr)
Knifes
Beepers / Cellular Phones
Drugs
Cigarettes / Blunts
Matches / Lighters / Zippo's
Playing cards / dice
Mace / Pepper Gas
Those small wooden baseball bats
And anything else that could be used for violence I didnt mention.
Things you can do from here:
(a) Do the smart thing, leave school and go home (thats if no one
has seen you, cause every now and then you have your
occasional asshole that'll rat you for leaving and then say
you probably had a weapon on you).
(b) Go hide your weapon/beeper whatever in the field around your
school, maybe somewhere that you can get back to after school
or during your lunch or some other time convienent for you.
(c) Try to plant it in someone elses school bag and let them get
busted for it, and watch them scream and cry cause they got
arrested. This is a great tactic to do on like a major dork,
the one who gets straight A's, and asks for extra credit on a
test that they only got a 94 on while you and the rest of the
class either failed or just barely passed.
Now all of these ways work and do not get you in trouble, but
chances are its easier to get caught and you might not see your "tools"
again.
Now I've come up with a few ways to get the stuff in and past the
metal detectors that have worked for the people I have told them to.
As for smokes they are not metal and are very easily to hide down
the front of your pants of if your wearing a long sleaved shirt, roll the
sleaves up and stuff your cigs and blunts in there. The same for drugs,
they too, can not be detected with metal detectors, but they can be
detected with dogs if your school has them there. As for lighters and
matches, just hand them over... They won't dont anything to you if you
have them, except for take them from you.
As for Knives take them and stuff them in a folder in your book
bag. I've noticed that when they go through and search your bags and
coats they only put there hands around the bottom and feel for shit
like guns. If you put it in your folder, chances are they won't check
there.
For guns thats kind of tricky. I recommend just going to a
soccer field or football field and burring it somewhere, so that you can
get to it later. Its not worth bringing it into school, if they scan
anything your dead.
Playing cards and dice are strange... Sometimes they see them
and do nothing, other times they just take them from you.. no matter,
they are really cheap items, and well try putting them on the bottom of
your school bag, down your pants, or in the folder. But even if they do
get them, just puy another set after school. I'm sure if your on a
computer reading this you can afford the 2 bucks for a good pack of
bicycle cards.
Well this is all from me on this subject. I just tryed to point
out a few ways of getting your "supplies" into school without getting
caught. If you read this you should have no problem, if you do by
chance get caught, you probably fucked it up yourself, cause these have
been tested and proven to work by Philly High School kids.
Welp. The terrorist is leaving the editor.. please take your
seats until I have told you other wise.
Props Go To:
Mogel: Here you go.
The Wizard: Yo, hook me up with your old board.
Mis-fuckedup-hindu-bitch: I'm comming to get you, you dot headded
Motherfucker. Try and diss me again bitch.
And the rest of you modem motherfuckers that I missed: Get off My LOG!
This File Was Brought to You By The Terrorist.
Questions, comments, contact me through Mogel Land HoE WHQ:
Mad Props:
Crank: Any Time, Any Place ;)
The Intimidator: Weez' chillin tonight?
!!========================================================================!!
"I'm Fucking Mad"
by Sinister Sheep
[Originally written for HOE #90 (7/25/95), but not included.]
alt.angst.for.donuts article 571 of [571,571] (0 unseen)
From: sinsheep@escape.com (The Sinister Sheep)
Subject: I'M FUCKING MAD@!#!1
Organization: HOG: HoE Organization of Groupies
Lines: 13
Fuck the preps!@ Fuck the earwax!@ Fuck the boogers!! Fuck
the gastronemic releases! It all boils down to one question:
" Am I the only one brave enough to admit I pee in the shower?"
YEAH.
and I'll be waiting by the box for your pee
and I'll take it all and put it back in me
and then I'll recycle it into my drain
and no, there's nothing wrong with my brain
I just like piss.
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #398, WRITTEN BY VARIOUS ARTISTS, 1/4/98 !!