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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #385 !!
#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Macking" !!
##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Mogel !!
..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/25/98 !!
!!========================================================================!!
This file is about getting girls. It's strong enough for a man,
but intended for a woman. If you are a male, please stop reading this
file right now. I mean it. Go to the next file.
Okay, now that there's only women here, I can continue.
Originally I was going to make this yet another "Mogel-sarcastic-how-to"
article. That would've been an easy cop-out, but I thought I'd interject
my own personal feelings on the subject instead. Writing a silly t-file
is one thing, but the massive number of people that seriously use the
techniques that I will describe in this file is remarkably high, and
it's pissing me off to no end.
I'll get my opinion on the table right now, so that I can
describe these techniques without constant reiteration. "Macking" -- the
art of getting girls interested in you (often, but not neccesarily, with
sex as the only motivation) -- is incredibly lame. Often it requires
manipulation, cliche, and general stupidity.
I realize the intention of macking is to get a girl interested
in you... and certainly there's nothing inherently wrong with starting a
conversation with someone that you're attracted to. I'm certainly not
supporting a Christian-like "deny-thyself-pleasure" ethic.
I hate to sound like Oprah, but honesty is always the best
policy. In an over-simplified sense, there are 3 basic types of
relationships that people have:
1. The One-time Fuck
2. Short-term Relationship
3. Long-term Relationship
Most people fall into #2 or #3, of which "macking" serves an even
more absurd purpose -- if a girl is getting to know him for more than
one night, she should appreciate him for who he is, without any tricks
or sneaky lines. Obviously for #1, it is not necessary to have a great
deal of insight into the other person's life. Typical conversation for
this type of interaction will probably be rather superficial and
pointless... however, I will always hold to my philosophy that being
honest is most important. If both people involved in relationship #1
are truly comfortable with the notion of a "one-shot fuck," then fine.
Nobody gets hurt. However, if a guy is using macking techniques to
LIE -- for the sole purpose of getting someone into bed and then screw
them over, they completely suck.
Of course, guys like this know that they suck. And they don't
care about the morality involved... if they cared about that, they
wouldn't do it. This is the very reason I chose to direct this file
towards embarrassing and exposing these macks. I'll admit that,
hypothetically, a guy COULD read this text file and use the techniques
to manipulate even MORE girls, but, uh... THIS IS FOR INFORMATIONAL
PURPOSES ONLY!
A great man once said, "it's not what you know, it's who you
know." That doesn't apply to this text file at all; however, it makes
it's point: people are superficial. Girls, being people, are no
exception.
You know, I really hate to sound so jaded, but the majority of
girls I've interacted with are basically looking for an "archetype man,"
whether they consciously realize it or not. The clever macking male
need only talk to a girl for a few minutes to discover which archetype
she's looking for and then completely exploit it by acting the
archetype. Simple, huh? Yes sir, and boy, and does it ever work! The
following is a list of the most common "macks" I've found.
My recommendation for guys who are *not* interested in
manipulation is to never seriously use any of these techniques as
"macks." They may work, and I realize my point here might not be as
WaCkY as someone might like, but simply put: when it comes to meeting
girls, nothing is better or more rewarding than getting to know someone
simply by being who you are.
And as for the girls... I *know* that most of you have been a
sucker for at least a few of these things in your life.
Anyway, here's the listing:
The Eye Contact Technique
=========================
This is a basic, key ingredient to macking any girl. Actually,
this technique can be used in many more situations than just macking.
Whenever someone is speaking, or you are speaking to someone -- maintain
eye contact with them.
This might seem very simple and superficial to some guys, but
for some reason, when someone says something while maintaining eye
contact, there is a much higher chance that whatever they say will be
believed, regardless of how sincere it really is.
The Soul Mate Mack
==================
The key to this mack is the guy's quest of finding things he has
in common with a particular girl. This will be easier for some girls
than others. The majority of girls are looking for a guy they can
easily relate to... which is natural. There's two levels to this mack:
the basic, superficial level, and the Advanced Soul Mate Mack.
The easiest target for this mack are girls that readily label
themselves as being obsessive about anything -- or even better, they
define themselves thoroughly with any one particular subculture or group.
This can extend into music ("I'm a ska girl! I love ska!"), interests ("I
love to snow board!"), personalities ("I love being a bitch!"), or even
all-out social groups ("I am *such* a stoner, dude!"). All that's
required on the basic level is for him to simply connect himself with
all the things that the girl loves. This doesn't always work.
The advanced level of this mack challenges him to remember all
the things the girl likes (ideally it's more than, like, two) and
sorting out which are the most important. Obviously, that's not *too*
hard. One needs only to compile and organize all the information a
girl gives him about herself, and effectively associate himself with
the majority of those things. Sometimes this works in the most idiotic
ways ("YOU LIKE CATS -- I LIKE CATS! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!!"),
but ideally, it will appear as if you two were MEANT TO MEET AND FALL
IN LOVE!
Oh, and when in doubt, the guy can simply say "I completely
agree!" to whatever the girl says, but obviously this technique suffers
with repeated use.
The Pick-Up Line Mack
=====================
Surprisingly enough, The Pick-Up Line Mack is one of the least
manipulative macks on this list. It is, however, the most stupid.
It's also used by thousands of idiots in clubs throughout America and
the world. Believe it or not, there's actually a "good" way to use a
pick-up line and a "bad" way to use a pick-up line. The difference
comes in attitude. Someone giving a bad pick-up line will speak as if
to say, "I'm very pathetic and I will not be surprised if you shit in
my mouth." The good way to give a pick-up line, if such a thing were
ever to exist, would be to act "cute".
The trick here is for him to pretend that he's smart, and that
he's using the pick-up in an intentionally sarcastic manner. Thus, by
going up to someone and saying, "Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?" he is
actually *making fun* of people who would really say that! Of course,
at the same time as doing this, he's getting his chance to talk to the
girl in question and testing the waters for a reaction. He might even
get a relatively sarcastic "Sure!" out of it. Isn't making fun of
others for the things you do clever? You bet!
Of course, if he's using the "cute" style of pick-up lines,
he is often armed with *several* absurd lines so he doesn't end up
sounding like a broken record. Here's a list of some of the more
terrible pick-up lines I've actually heard. Oh, and all of these
obviously start with the words "Hey baby."
Line #1: Are those space pants you're wearing? 'Cause your butt is
outta this world!
Line #2: That outfit is very becoming on you, and if you wore me, I'd
be coming on you, too.
Line #3: You're so hot, you melted the elastic in my underwear.
Line #4: I've got the F, the C, and the K, now all I need is U!
(Ironically, this can also be used as an insult.)
Line #5: The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and
spread the word.
Line #6: Is that a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can really see
myself in your pants.
Line #7: Hi, my name is _________. Remember it, 'cause you'll be
screaming it later.
I think this would be a perfect time to remind you that girls
who *do* talk to guys using one of these lines, regardless of how cute
they appear to be, are complete idiots. Thanks a lot.
The Timid Cuteboy Mack
======================
Basically, this is playing the role of the innocent, romantic
guy with limited hope for love. It revolves around the use of the line,
"But why would a girl like you would fall for a boy like me?" It's
cheesy, cliche, and transparent as hell (unless the guy has a pretty low
self-esteem, in which case he probably wouldn't be the best person for
you to date, quite honestly) -- but for some weird reason, girls who
hear these sacred words can't help but think, "Wow! This guy must
really think fondly of me! There is no possibility he is just saying
that to sleep with me!"
The Very Stable Mack
====================
"I'm happy being single!" is the refrain of this guy. The point
here is to not scare away the girl by having her think that he's
looking for a long-term relationship and to show that he's perfectly
functional, not needy, and happy being alone. Of course, the majority
of the guys that use this mack are probably the most needy human beings
on the planet. They probably see the girl's role in his world to be
one as picking up his dirty socks and giving him a nightly blow job in
as well as reassuring him *yet again* that she does, in fact, love him
more than anyone else in the known (and unknown) universe for all time.
The Fed Up Mack
===============
This mack lets the girl think that he's ready to make a new,
fresh start in the world of dating! He's ready to invest a lot of
romance into it THIS time! Basically, it focuses on the line, "I'm fed
up with all the terrible relationships! I'm going all out for the
perfect romance this time! I can't wait to prove it to someone!"
The "Boy Am I Wonderful" Mack
=============================
A man bragging at length about himself certainly can and does
work on some girls, but that can also be a big turn off. The safest
method for him to use, ironically enough, is to talk about how well he
treated his ex's. By going into detail about the various wonderful
things he did for her (often financial, if possible), some girls can't
help but think, "That could be me! My last boyfriend only took me to
McDonalds! He must have not cared about me!" -- which could certainly
be true. It would be interesting to note that The Boy Am I Wonderful
Mack inherently breeds exaggeration and lies, since the guy is interested
in impressing you (he's trying to mack, remember!). Incidentally, the
clever user of this technique will *never* refer to his actual *feelings*
for the girls he's been involved with. This would imply that there
might be "others" out there in the world he has felt strongly about...
but even worse, it might imply that he's really not over it yet.
The Huge Cock Mack
==================
This guy brags about his sexual prowess. Of course, it matters
very little if he's *actually* a good lover or not, because once
he's managed to convince a horny girl that he is one... and she's having
sex with him, he's gotten what he wanted anyway. And, incidentally,
she's gotten what she deserves.
The "Let's Talk About Sex" Mack
===============================
An alternate and more common version of the previous mack, this
is especially acceptable in the "I'm discovering myself!" college crowd.
Simply get into an intimate situation with a girl (i.e. alone with her
in her room), and begin talking about sex. This can be done in an
innocent way at first, as to not make his plan so obvious. He will
continue to talk about sex. If both of you end up talking about being
kinky enough, there's actually a chance that you'll both be so horny
that you can't resist doing *something*. This is what he's counting on.
The Sexual Revolution Mack
==========================
Ever-ready to exploit, the user of this mack knows how to
channel his erect penis directly into a girl's confused vagina.
"Yeah, baby, sex is no big deal, yeah. Free love is for
intellectuals." They will often expound on the virtue of free love,
and why society would be better if people *really* could understand
what it was about.
The "Do I Know You?" Mack
=========================
This is a relatively innocent lie that is used to start talking
to a girl. If he sees someone that he finds very cute, he simply asks
them, "Do I know you?" or "You look very familiar for some reason." If
the girl is at all interested in solving the mystery, they will both
end up revealing information about themselves and start talking.
The Tickle Mack
===============
Probably over half of the male population in the world has used
this mostly innocent (but lame) macking technique at some point in
their lives. It's very simple: tickle them. He gets the opportunity
to "touch" girls, hiding behind the false pretense that tickling is
something acceptable for people over the age of 10 to be doing. You'd
be amazed at how many people really do use this mack consistently.
But even worse is the slightly less used "Play Fighting Mack",
in which he either pretends to wrestle with a girl, or the more common
use of pillow fighting. Yuck.
The Fatalistic Poetboy Mack
===========================
This is similar to The Soul Mate Mack, except the guy will place
more emphasis on the mysterious "synchronisity" of your lives. The words
"it was meant to be!" ever-ready to trickle off his tongue, he'll often
make absurd poetic metaphors about you and him.
An example: "That purple flair is obviously a representation of
the turbulent passionate undercurrents swirling amidst the straight
lines, beacons of austerity in nineteenth-century marriage."
WHAT?!@ Most girls giggle these guys off, saying, "Hee-hee!
He makes no sense... he must be a genius!"
The Pretentious Art Fag Mack
============================
I think we all know some of these. The goal of this mack is to
pretend as if he has some sort of "mysterious special insight" into
not only many famous men of any given field of art, but the very notion
of art itself. Here's the gospel on this mack, according to Squinky:
"What you want to do is find out what poetry the girl likes,
what artists... and then you start babbling endless shit about them,
But the key is to actually know what you're talking about. THEN, you
say something like, 'You know, it's a real shame how a real artist like
Johnny Rimbaud got adopted by the art fags and made useless.'
And then you draw a parallel between yourself and the artist --
as a TRUE REVOLUTIONARY -- someone who combines ART with ACTION. The
real key to this is reading all the poets. because you can't fucking
babble shit about poets you don't know."
The "Pity Me Please" Mack
=========================
This mack is pretty simple, and only works occasionally.
Basically, it consists of a guy rattling on about what a terrible life
he's had... but *especially* in regards to relationships. As if to
silently scream "PITY ME, PLEASE," the user of this mack intends to make
a girl feel as if she has the very special chance to be the very first
"quality girlfriend" he's ever had! He'll be so lucky!
This mack only works if he is lying about it, though. Guys
who genuinely deserve pity never have the macking skills to get any.
The Murmur Mystery Mack
=======================
Named after the beloved creator of this mack, we're not even
completely sure why or how it works -- however, it is ABSURDLY easy to
emulate. He simply needs to act incredibly detached in the majority
of social situations, only interjecting "random and wacky" comments.
Sometimes these comments will extend into actions, and he'll find
himself required to leap into a mound of bird shit and feathers... just
so people will say "Isn't he weird and wacky?!"
I know it sounds like this wouldn't work, but for some mysterious
reason, it does. Some speculate that the detached nature and randomness
serve as a "enigma." Girls are forced to ask, "is he really this
retarded ALL THE TIME? There must be more to him than just this!" and
proceed to discover that, in fact, there is not. But he gets some
action in the meantime.
The Antisocial Computerboy Mack
===============================
I'll admit that even I've used this mack, much to my shame.
Since e-mail can be easier at times than dealing with someone
face-to-face (especially in regards to macking, expressing feelings,
etc.), the Antisocial Computerboy can often write long, emotional
letters to the girl in question -- often ones which force some sort of
reaction out of her.
E-mailing people can certainly also be used as a means to get to
know someone better who we don't normally see in real life, but in the
case of macking, it's unfortunately used more often as a security
blanket because the guy is actually too much of a wimp to deal with
real life.
Macking Girls with Boyfriends
=============================
Macking a girl with a boyfriend is pretty simple. They talk shit
about him. I know that sounds mean and cruel, but there's really no
other effective way to do it. This granted, the more clever guy who
macks girls with boyfriends often does this in more "subtle" ways.
Often after talking with a girl, he will ask "innocent" questions
regarding their relationship... including what they do, how they act,
and so on.
It's inevidable that the girl will leak information regarding
things she doesn't like about her significant other. This information,
of course, is solid gold for the macker. He will begin making constant
(subtle or obvious) reference to these little "defects" in the
relationship, talking about how, if he were in that situation, he would
never do that.
Macking Crazy Girls
===================
Macking the infamous "crazy girl" is quite similar to all the
macks above, but can be more accurately described as The "Find Out The
Girl's Particular Psychological Disorder and Fill The Role She Thinks
Will Actually Help Her" Mack. This is going to take some practice, and
generally the guys that use it are either incredibly hard up for dates
or incredibly fucked up themselves. The most dangerous part of this
mack, however, is that if he does a good job with it, the girl will
REALLY BELIEVE HE IS THAT PERSON. Because they're CRAZY.
However, the most effective mack I have seen for Crazy Girls is
the ever-ironic Misogyny Mack. A guy need only insult the girl a lot.
This inherently would sound like great fun to some guys; but wait,
there's more! As long as he continues to blatantly insult this girl for
no clear, personal reason... nine out of ten girls will continue to talk
to him! And quite often, it's not because they're trying to ignore him;
it's because they want to win him over!
I know, I know. It sounds impossible, right? It's true. Once a
Crazy Girl finds out that a guy is "an asshole", she will try to get
into a relationship with him. The Crazy Girl always wants to be
'the one' to save him -- and if she does get into a relationship with
him, she will feel special because she is the one girl out of all girls
in the world that he hates... who he likes!
Ahh, irony. You mock us so.
!!========================================================================!!
!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #385 - WRITTEN BY: Mogel - 12/25/98 !!