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>> "Boobie the Pig" <<
by -> Kraftwerk
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ED: "boobie! you gert down hare! i need joo to pull my plow!!!"
"BOOBIEEEEE!!!! BOOBIE!!!!! HERE BOOBIE BOOBIE BOOBIE!"
MA: "Ed, what's all that racket! how am i supposed to knit this sweater for
the chicken if you're screaming at the top of your lungs like that???"
ED: "Sorry, ma! I jurst need ol' Boobie to come and pull this here plow!"
[ Edgar, setting out in search of the elusive Boobie, heads for the
barn. ]
ED: "Now Boobie, you come out here right this instant!"
[ We hear an angry grunt from underneath the trough. ]
ED: "Boobie, if you don't come out right this instant, you will never get
your slop again!"
BOOBIE, THE PIG: grunt grunt, snort snort, grunt!
ED: "you don't give me no lip, young lady! i don't care if you _do_ think
you have herpes, you're-a pulling this here plow!
BOOBIE, THE PIG: gruntttt!! grunt grunt, squealllll!!!
[ Hearing this vile epitaph, brave ed attempts to pull boobie from
the barn! ]
ED: "what in the 9 hells have you been eatin', woman!"
BOOBIE, THE PIG: squealllllllll#!$#@!$#@!
ED: "i'm sorry, boobie! you're not fat, honestly!"
BOOBIE, THE PIG: grunt. squeal grunt grunt.
ED: "Ok, now Boobie, would you _please_ pull the plow?"
BOOBIE, THE PIG: grunt.
ED: "you're the best, boobie!"
[ tra-la-la, ed proceeds to hitch Boobie to the plow, and sets out
into the field. ]
STRANGER: "Hey there, neighbor. that's a nice lookin' pig."
ED: "awww shucks, sir, it's just ma' pig."
STRANGER: "Care to sell her?"
ED: "You want to buy my Boobie?"
STRANGER: "uh, no. i don't want your boobie."
ED: "well, then! why'd you ask to buy my pig??"
STRANGER: "Because I want to buy your pig, not your boobie."
ED: "What?"
STRANGER: "do you or do you _not_ want to sell your pig?"
ED: "no! you can't buy my Boobie!"
STRANGER: "oh, fuck you! you gay, boy???? huh? I don't want your boobies."
BOOBIE, THE PIG: SQUEALLLLL$!$#@! GRUNT SQUEALL!$#!@
[ At this point, our heroine pig becomes enraged, and attacks the
STRANGER. ]
[ In a flash, Boobie jumps 5 feet from the ground in line with the
STRANGER'S face, and proceeds to fart in it! ]
STRANGER: "EWWWWWWW, A PIG FART! STINKY!!"
[ BOOBIE, mortally offended, jumps high into the air again, and put's
her curly cute tail... RIGHT THROUGH HIS EYE! ]
ED: "Good job, Boobie! now finish that plowin'!"
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #209 -- written by Kraftwerk -- 3/13/98 *