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>> "The Dead Hippo" <<
by -> Kraftwerk
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[ Traveling through the mystical woods, we come across to young men
arguing over the carcass of a hippopotamus. ]
Phil: I was here first!
Mike: Hell no!
Phil: Then why was I standing here before you even arrived??? Huh????
Mike: Because.
Phil: Oh, thats a great excuse. Because. Hmph.
Mike: It's a big hippo, why don't we just share it?
Phil: NO! IT'S MY HIPPO MOTHER FUCKER!
Mike: You can at least be civil about it.
Phil: Hippo thief!
Mike: Why would I try and steal your mother?
Phil: I'll kill you mother fucker!
Mike: Go ahead and try, you ignorant pus bag.
Phil: GRRRR!!!! (pulls a knife out of his pocket)
[ At this point Mike quickly pulls a Tri-lithium Alloy Laser out of
his pocket and vaporizes Phils knife. ]
Mike: The tides of turned haven't they, Phil?
Phil: (on the ground whimpering) Please don't kill Please don't kill me!
Mike: Do you concede the hippo carcass to me?
Phil: Yes, yes! I'll do anything, just please don't kill me!
Mike: All right then.
[ While Mike turns his back to start lifting the hippo so he can take
it home, Phil pulls yet *another* dagger out of his pocket and throws it at
Mike, hitting him in the shoulder. ]
Mike: You threw a knife at me!
Phil: Obviously.
Mike: (doubled over from the pain) You're a dead man.
Phil: Really?
[ Mike then proceeds to whistle, and we hear a commotion from the
nearby bushes. Suddenly, out springs a gnome! ]
Gnome: M-O-O-N, that spells poop.
Mike: (smacking his forehead) Oh god, of all the things they could have sent me, I get a retarded Gnome. Get the hell out of here, you retard.
[ The Gnome, with a desolate scream, crawls back to the bushes. ]
Mike: All right, let's try this again. (Whistle)
[ We hear yet another commotion in the bushes, and out pops Jesus. ]
Mike: Oh boy, another defect. Back you go, crucifuck.
[ Jesus scurries back into the bushes. ]
Phil: You sure have some neat friends.
Mike: Fuck you, you sarcastic mo-fo.
Phil: Oh go to hell, bitch.
Mike: What were we fighting over in the first place?
Phil: The hippo carcass, dumb ass. (gesturing to the now bare ground)
Mike: Gasp! It's gone!
Phil: Where'd you put it, thief?
Mike: I didn't take it.
Suddenly, the retarded Gnome jumps back out of the bushes.
Gnome: Never insult a gnome! I have taken your hippo carcass and eaten it!
Phil: You fuckhead!@!!#%@!$#@!
Gnome: Now you will all die.
[ The two young men, sensing their fates, try to run away. All of a
sudden, the gnome is 200 feet tall! ]
GNOME!: YOUU AREEEE DEADDDDDD!@!!!!!
[ With a quick movement, GNOME!, lifts his feet and squashes them
both. ]
---
The moral of the story: Never argue over a hippo carcass in a
Mystical Forest when there are any gnomes around, for they are all powerful
and will take away the hippo carcass and kill you.
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #163 -- written by Kraftwerk -- 12/18/97 *