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>> "potato salad" <<
by -> murmur
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prologue: this is the tale of shizbit of the planet patheticos in a
far away galaxy. shizbit was sent to earth to try to understand how
earthlings work. disguised as an earth creature, he was able to enroll in a
small liberal arts university in the midwest, hoping that this would enable
him to investigate earthlings on a very personal level. of course, shizbit,
being vaguely unfamiliar with certain earthling traditions, like headbutts
and handshakes, would have to rely mostly on his roommate for cues on how to
"be" an earthling. unfortunately for shizbit, he was assigned for a
roommate an individual known as enos. the following are from his daily logs
back to patheticos. after three months, shizbit, having reached the point
of clinical insanity, was recalled to patheticos, where he remains in a
janitorial position.
earth day.
08/28/96: i am settled in to my 'dorm room'. my roommate, enos gain, has
not yet arrived. these rooms are particularly interesting; there
appear to be multiple 'outlets' in the walls for various types of
earth devices. enos and i shall each have a desk and a dresser
and a 'closet' device. i could grow to like this place, i think.
08/29/96: enos has arrived, and is already well on his way to breaking any
conceived notion i had of how earth creatures operate. all of
his carrying devices have bright red decals attached to them
which say "ETHIOPIAN AIRLINES". he has brought what he claims to
be a 'starfish colony' and he has many tubes of the earth
specimen known as 'toothpaste', yet his teeth are quite green, so
perhaps 'toothpaste' has a different meaning than i once thought.
i am so fortunate to have for a roommate such a fine specimen. i
shall learn a great deal from him, i am quite sure.
08/30/96: enos woke up at 4 a.m. this morning claiming that he had to
undergo his daily spleen cleansing. i am very curious about what
this "spleen cleansing" operation entails. he has also stapled
many brownish shrazplot-shaped objects that he calls "mama's
bratwursts" to the walls. i am not sure if this is for
decoration or for insect attraction. i had always been under the
impression that insects were not welcome by earthlings, but
apparently that is not the case. how fascinating.
08/31/96: these earth beings are very odd indeed. many of them appear to
become quite saddened when i inform them that my roommate is enos
gain. i do not understand. one of them commented, "that sucks,
dued" but i have no idea what is sucking what or who "dued" is.
my earth name is johnny, recall. i also went to my first classes
today. there are many earth creatures that wear these contorted
objects called 'hats'. it appears to be to keep the insects out
of their eyelids. perhaps i shall need to get a 'hat'. enos has
such a 'hat', but i can not read what is written on it because it
appears that it has been through an earth fire.
09/01/96: the 'r.a.' stopped by today while enos was out and asked me why
we had bratwursts stapled to the walls. i told him i thought it
was to attract insects and he looked at me very oddly and said he
would return later. also, the colony of starfish appeared to be
moving today. they are very tiny creatures and i am not at all
sure what the appeal is. they are contained in what is known as
a 'pitcher' and there is an open packet next to the 'pitcher'
that says something about "sea monkey food". i do not understand
such things yet.
09/02/96: there is this unusual earth specimen called 'candy'. the premise
of this candy is to be "tasty" and supposedly to "happy one's
mouth." i have seen many people eating this candy called the
'mint' which is a small globuzo-shaped object. enos offered me
some of his candy today and said it was very good candy and he
liked it a lot. this 'opium' he gave me did not make very much
sense to me. apparently enos was adversely affected by the candy
because he suddenly declared it was "time to mellow out, dued."
i still do not know who "dued" is or why people keep discussing
this individual, but i'm determined to figure it out. enos
passed out shortly thereafter.
09/03/96: i was invited to a "jammin frat party" today and i thought this
might be an excellent opportunity to see how earth people
interact. i was shocked. large men wearing the 'hats' drink
massive quantities of 'alcohol' and 'dance' with earth women that
often have large fatzuus stuck to their chests and they too drink
this 'alcohol'. alcohol must be another kind of candy like the
opium enos so enjoys. i then followed an earth man and woman
into this room and apparently their tongue muscles were engaging
in a fistfight, not all that unlike the phelephuls from
boronisfifthelementia.
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #139 -- written by Murmur -- 12/4/97 *