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hogs of entropy corporation special report 114
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>> "the boy who seeks happiness meets darkthrone" <<
by -> murmur
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"they call me fitzsimmons
but i'm not quite sure why
i just seek eternal happiness
do you know where it lies?"
such is the song of fitzsimmons, the boy who seeks happiness. my, if
he hasn't had one hell of a time finding that darned happiness. he keeps
going around and singing his song and annoying the shit out of people just
because he wants to be happy - as if the dumb fucker wasn't happy enough!
one day fitzsimmons was racing around some green hills somewhere and
he came upon some unusually toad shaped people and he sang his song.
"they call me fitzsimmons,
but i'm not quite sure why.
i just seek eternal happiness,
do you know where it lies?"
the toad people directed fitzsimmons to the large area of land known
vaguely as the "scandinavian peninsula". little did fitzsimmons know that
happiness does not exist in scandinavia, all that exist in scandinavia are
higher tax rates, advanced welfare states, & fjords.
well, fitzsimmons got to that scandinavia place and he found this
charming place called helsinki and he sang his song to some people on the
street.
"they call me fitzsimmons,
but i'm not quite sure why.
i just seek eternal happiness,
do you know where it lies?"
the poor finns didn't know what the hell the idiot north american was
talking about, but someone thought he might be talking about whales. they
told him to go to norway.
fitzsimmons found the mythical norway, although he took a very
ridiculous path to get there. i mean, helsinki isn't that far from norway,
but i'll be damned if he didn't somehow go through al's meats. well, there
he was in norway and he sang his song for somebody who paid too much in
taxes.
"they call me fitzsimmons,
but i'm not quite sure why.
i just seek eternal happiness,
do you know where it lies?"
the conservative norseman didn't really care to deal with him so he
muttered something about eronymous and left. thinking this was a clue,
fitzsimmons asked people about the mysterious "eronymous" until a youth
informed him that it was not eronymous, but in fact the mythical lord
grishnackh that he should seek. eronymous was dead.
so fitzsimmons searched for lord grishnach and was subsequently
informed that darkthrone was on the abandoned apple hill. there are no
abandoned apple hills in norway, of course, but fitzsimmons rummaged his way
there and encountered the members of the real norwegian black metal band
darkthrone, fronted by lord grishnackh.
"they call me fitzsimmons,
but i'm not quite sure why.
i just seek eternal happiness,
do you know where it lies?"
lord grishnackh feasted on fitzsimmons's soul that night and the
editor was too lazy to go back and change any verb tenses to make that
apparent.
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* (c) HoE publications. HoE #114 -- written by murmur -- 6/11/97 *