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Mike's Madness #25
For Anne.
- Tonight on -
U N S O L V E D M Y S T E R I E S
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On March 25, 1952, water fell on the parched township of
Bigass, N. Dakota. The residents thought it was rain, but new evidence
points to a possible visit by Saint Sister Panama Canal, the famous
Spitting Nun of Paraguay . . .
Wil Weaton had a gimme role on the most popular syndicated
series in history. Yet, for no apparent reason, he left the show to
star in such megahits as The Last Prostitute and Toy Soldiers. A lapse
of common sense, maybe -- but this man says that Brent Spiner was
putting LSD in Weaton's coke . . . and Weaton LOVED it!
Hundreds of children walk across this seemingly quiet street
every day, and yet no one has attempted to kidnap, or even harass, a
single one. We'll show you perverts out there EXACTLY where this street
is at, and maybe YOU can provide us with a future segment on . . .
U N S O L V E D M Y S T E R I E S
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(cue eerie "wooo-wooo" music)
(cut to commercial)
Woman 1: (shyly) June, I have a problem . . .
Woman 2: What is it, Nancy?
1: Well . . . it's that time of the month, I'm not fresh, my pad is
leaking, I'm constipated, and my hemorrhoids are killing me!
2: I have EXACTLY what you need! Disgusto Brand (tm) "Lil' Problem
Solver"! It's a douche, laxative, hemorrhoid balm and super-absorbant
maxi all in one!
1: BULLSHIT!
2: It really works! Just jam it in your panties then bounce in your
seat real hard! It works wonders! (just don't use it with white
pants) . . .
1: GET OFF! I'm not 'aving that filth 'round my place!
2: . . . Comes in cherry flavor . . .
1: Wellllllllll . . . Maybe I'll give it a try!
2: That's the spirit! Now get off my bloody sofa . . .
Voice over: Disgusto Brands (tm) Personal Care Products for Hatefully
Disgusting Problems. Not for internal consumption. Keep
away from children and small animals. Not responsible for
any itching caused by misuse of product.
We now return to . . .
UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!
March 5, 1991. Humbolt, California. In this shady glade, 9,000
acres of primo marijuana was reaching maturity. Careful cultivation of
the special hashplant+haze+northern lights #5 clones had assured that
each of the 15-foot-tall plants was an unpollinated female. Buds as
large as 25 pounds were reported by the locals.
Then it all vanished.
The only clue to this mystery is this white, 1973 Dodge
Charger and its sole occupant . . . Mr. Mike Beebe.
Me: "DUDE! ALIENS! ALIENS STOLE THEM DUDE'S BUD! OH DUDE! IT WAS
HATEFUL! I was all kickin' it in my Charger listenin' to
Metallica 'cuz I was hella stoned . . . NO! I wasn't hella
stoned! I don't do that shit! So dude, I was tokin' on this
joint and this big ol' silver garbage can lid thing came down,
landed over there at the site now marked by the Humbolt UFO
Landing Site and Historic Museum (25 cents admission, please) and
these dudes all came out and snagged them dude's buds! I say we
organize a hunting party! Just can't go around stealin' people's
bud! Oh! Is that the time? Uh, gotta get these . . . ummmmm . .
errrm . . . damn this short-term memory loss . . . uuuhhh . . .
bails of marijuana . . . HAY! Bails of HAY down to Sacramento
before any cops see . . . before it rains. Gotta get these
bails of hay back down to Sacramento before it rains. Oh hey man
-- my joint went out! Gotta light, dude? Are those shot-guns
them dudes have? Uh - I really gotta bail, bud. Hope you catch
them aliens . . . I'm outta here . . ."
[SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE]
(sound of 75 mile long burnout)
Robert Stack: "While it may not be the crop circles of England, or the
famous Kelly Farm House encounter in Georgia, the Great
Humbolt Siting of 1991 will go down in history as a true
tale of a close encounter of the 5th kind - when aliens
come down and snag your bud!"
Slightly peeved, baseball-bat wielding mob: "Hey - where'd that dude in
the Charger go?"
(fade to commercial)
HEY MOMS!
Why not treat the kids to something entertaining and educational?
Take the little bastards to see . . .
S T O N E R S O N I C E
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An afternoon of enchantment with a powerful anti-drug message!
See vicious loadies culled from the public parks, head shops and white,
1973 Chargers of America on the ice in the awe-inspiring "Stagger of
the Third Bong Hit", the heart-warming "Rollin' a Jamaican", and the
grand-finale "I Got Three Pounds and Here Comes the Cops!".
Don't let this valuable, only slightly expensive opportunity pass you
by! Cough up the $50 a ticket (under-12, matinee only. Adult tickets:
$300.00) and teach your progeny a lesson they won't soon forget:
Don't get loaded and go ice skating!
A Bill Graham "Beyond The Grave" Production.
"Beyond the Grave" owned by:
L. Ron Hubbard
Louis Lamore
And a host of other writers who, although dead, seem not to have given
it up yet. (Read that as: "Families of whom are greedy sonsabitches
and don't see anything wrong with whoring the dear name of their long
deceased relative in a bizarre form of financial necrophilia")
ALSO COMING SOON FROM BILL GRAHAM -