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Mike's Madness (Issue #2, Oh NO!!)
"Here we go again"
-- Germany, 1937
Mike's Guide to CABLE TV!!!
Channel 2:
Guns 'n Roses: If you can't sing, SCREAM!
Channel 3:
NBC: There's laughs-a-plenty when Gary Coleman gets the shit stomped
outta him by a group of Skinheads. Stay tuned for "Hep me! Hep me!
Dere's a group o' skinheads out to kick my ass!"
Channel 4:
Cable Guide: 250 programs you pay $23.50 a month to watch that you would
never in a cold day in hell watch if they were offered on
free TV.
Channel 5:
CNN: Two economists drone on and on and on and on and on about shifts in
the GNP that mean absolutly nothing.
Channel 6:
KVIE/PBS: It's "Screwing Animals" night on PBS! Stayed tuned for the best
in mammalian reproduction as we take a look at feline predators
gettin' their rocks off. Viewer discresion and a barf-bag
advised.
Channel 7:
Video Hits 1: Tonight's line-up:
Bon Jovi: Born to be an abortion
Def Leppard: We suck and our drummer's only got one fucking arm
White Lion: We suck too!
Megadeath: And us!
MetallicA: Us also!
Elvis Presely: Pass me that bucket o' extra crispy
White Lion: No, we really do suck!
Motely Crue: We sold out! We sold out!
Cindi Lauper: I got no tits
Janise Jackson: No, goddamnit! That's JANISE, not MICHAEL!
Ozzy Ozbourne: Pass me that bucket o' extra-crispy uncooked
White Lion: I'm serious! We suck like a Hoover in a tornado!
Thomas Dolby: Hey, I'm really sorry about the Aliens ate my Buick deal
White Lion: Have I mentioned the fact we suck?
D.J. Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince: What the hell rhymes with "Orange"?
Pink Floyd: Waters, PLEASE come back! PLEEEEASE!
Eddie Brackel and the New Bohemians: Ever heard anything by White Lion?
Chicago: 100 more creative album names
Z.Z. Top: No, that's not pubic hair glued to our faces
Elvis Presely: Hey, pass me that bucket o' lard
White Lion: Hey! I'm not screwing around! We wholly suck! Big Time!
Art of Noise: Music without meaning
Janise Joplin: Someone farted. Alright . . . HEY! Who cut the cheese!
White Lion: I don't get that last joke!
Lenin and the Bolsheviks: That's because you're capitalist swine!
Hitler and the Boot Boys: No, they suck. Haven't you been reading this
W. Churchill and the Spitfires: Ah-ha! The games up, Adolf!
Mao Se Tung and the Redbooks: Not so fast, English pig! I've interrupted you
Fuck-up and the line-feeds: Damn, I hate when that happens.
Etc.
Channel 8:
(Channel 40): Stay tuned now for 3 hours of solid boredom when the Brady
Kids meet the Bad News Bears in "Oh God, I think I'm going
to vomit!"
Channel 9:
ESPN: We promise you a thrill a minute when the best in midget wrestling
begins next. Followed by a PBS special "The Animal Kingdom". Tonight,
episode 8, "Screwing".
Channel 10:
(Channel 10): Our news sucks! We're the absolute worst. Tonite on news at
5:13:45, "White Lion: A new force in vacuum technology."
Channel 11:
(TV 58): Tonight, we present Ethel Merrman, Edgar Casey and Jizz, the wonder
dog in the 1941 classic "I was Hitler's left nut"
Channel 12:
(KRBK, Channel 31): Tonight we present Jizz, the wonder dog and Timmy Green
in the 1942 classic "Mom, what's Spunky doing to that
man's leg?"
Channel 13:
(Channel 13): Series. "Beauty and the Beastiality". Tonight, things get
REALLY ugly after Vincent watches 25 solid hours of PBS
and gets a REALLY interesting idea.
Channel 14:
(Home Shopping): On sale tonight, 101 devices to protect against Credit
Card Fraud.
Channel 15:
(Lifetime, Medical News): Program: "How to drain a festering anal pus
wart" (colour). In stereo where avalible.
Channel 16:
(Who knows?): "How to bang quiff while smoking a spliff without getting
in a riff." (Not avalible locally)
Channel 17:
(Who cares?): Sacramento Kings vs. 3 9-year-olds. 1-25 odds on Kings
Channel 18:
(I don't): Weak spincter bowl-off. Sponsored by Depend Undergarments.
Channel 19:
(Spanish): Emilio Estevez and Julio Englazies in "Hey! Don't go fuckin'
with those niggers down by the tracks!" (1935)
Channel 20:
(KTVU, San Fransisco): News special; 101 more ways to get a social disease
from our animal friends. Sponsored by PBS.
Channel 21:
(Nickelodeon, kids): "You can't do that on television!". The topic of
masturbation is examined in depth with Jizz, the
Wonder Dog. (Wonder if he'll do it again?)
Channel 22:
(Something or other): HE DID! HE DID! And all over the Setee'. Blimey!
Channel 23:
(See 22): Long distance zit pop-off! See which contestants can go the
distance! Last year's winner Herb Goldberg has a ripe, red
one stored up on his forehead and it looks like the mountain
on the nose of challenger Amy Duclose will be able to give
Herb a squirt for his money.
Channel 24:
(See 69?): The South Area Skinheads present "Bowling for Jews!". Prizes
this week include an all expense paid vacation to Germany,
paid bail for the next 5 years and a burning cross!
Channel 25:
(Often?): White Lion Special: The 1988 "We really fucking suck" Concert
tour. In mono where avalible.
Channel 26:
(Really?): Flipper and Lassie and Trigger and Mr. Ed. (1968). DIS-GUSTING!
They can't really show that, can they? REALLY? I didn't know
you could fit a Volkswagon in there. Wait a sec, lemme call
the wife and have her set up the VCR . . .
Channel 27:
(KRBK, Channel 44, Bay Area): The Bay City Ballers! Baller derby returns
to the Cow Palace with the all important
"Fuck 'till your balls are the size of
raisins" match between Jimmy Swaggart and
then entire female population of Reno, Nevada
Channel 28:
(Another one of those): Fuck off! We're watching Channel 26!
Channel 29:
(Headline News): See 3 hours of news chopped into incomprehensible 30 second
block with commercials slipped in every 15 seconds.
Channel 30:
(Educational Consortium): "Math is Fun and other famous bullshit stories"
Channel 31:
(Showtime): Viet Nam is the focus of this months and every other month's
movies. I'm serious, we got Viet Nam movies like White Lion
sucks! We got more fucking Viet Nam movies than poor animal
sex jokes in this letter. Oh yeah, we got a WW II movie, too.
Channel 32:
(Country Muzik): YEE-HAA! It's HEE-HAWW! Thaz right! 50 solid hours of
HEE-HAWW! What a treat! What a prize! What a condition
for crimes against humanity!
Channel 33:
(Farts and Entertainment): WW II Documentries! You want 'em, we got 'em!!
We must have about 3 trillion hours of film
from a war that lasted about 4 years. But hey!
We got Japs! We got Gerry! The Blitz, Pearl
Harbour, Midway, Coral Sea, Berlin -- you
name a historical incident, we got the film!!!!
We also have some screwing animal films, but
we only show those after the kids have gone to
to bed.
Channel 34:
(HBO): See Channel 37
Channel 35:
(Discovery): Right! Right! WE got screwing animal films that would take the
kink outta your pubic hair! PBS would get kicked off the
air if they showed some of these. If you can find it in an
encyclopedia, we got film of it humping something! Close
shots, low angle, over-head, telephoto shots. We'll show
you places not even the animals themselves can see! Ho
blimey! And I'll tell you what, we here at Discovery have
seen EVERY FUCKING SECOND They got a shot of me sticking me
arm straight up a lionesses' [C E N S O R E D] up to my
bleedin' armpit! It was wonderful! (The Staff of
Sacramento Cable regrets to announce that Discovery will no
longer be shown in Sacramento. Damn.)
Channel 36:
(Weather): The weather for Georgia, like you really fucking cared.
Channel 37:
(Cinemax): See Channel 34
Welp, there's nothing on cable again, so I guess I'll just go to bed now.
Good night!