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? ? ? Mighty Issue #48
? ? ? ? ? illicit "How To / Sarcasm. Not."
? ? ? ? ? ?? Liquid -By whOOps
? ? ? ? ? ? Kollections
? ? -???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
(WARNING: This is kase's first attempt at a completely factual and truthful
file instead of the oh-so-wild fiction she usually writes. Be wary. Contents
may be unsuitable to those without the requisite brain cells to comprehend the
complex ideas and sentence structure involved therein.)
Sarcasm
Gee, what a thrilling file, I hear you cry. That's right! You've achieved
the first level of illumination in the ways of the Mighty Art of Sarcasm. Many
more lie before you, however, so don't get too cocky. Many types of sarcasm
exist in this world, although not nearly as many as the number of entries in
the Field Guide to Lampreys (cheap plug. go read it. the eggplant ones are the
best, of course.) I will try to outline for you the basics to the wild art of
sarkasem.
DREARY BORING NORMAL KIDS-STUFF EVERYDAY SARCASM: This stuff is *really*
exciting, let me tell you..Not. It doesn't take too many brain cells to master
this stuff (meaning even YOU can handle it, doesn't that make your diodes
wiggle in surprise and pleasure?) This type of sarkasem involves the use of
the word "Not"...an added emphasis, for the people that were too stupid to
realize that the person meant what they were saying sarcastically. For
example... Let's create two purely imaginary people.. (while at the same time
plagiarizing an idea from the illuminated Pizza-For-A-Bawk! person.) Shall we
say... Neillybob Nibble and Scooter Shazam? Scooter looks at a new hat that
Neillybob recently dug out of his uncle's grave and says "Hey, Neillybob...
that's a nice hat. Not!" After evoking the magic word "not," the evoker
generally tends to devolve into beavis-and-butthead-freak-type guttural
chuckling, probably due to the large amount of time that person spent with his
eyes glued to the television set when that eminent set of bozos was on. (And
let me *tell* you how difficult it is to get the eyes off...) So now that
you've mastered this, you move on to the
slightly-more-complex-and-exciting-only-if-your-aunt-is-a-barnacle-sarcasm.
SLIGHTLY MORE COMPLEX AND EXCITING ONLY IF YOUR AUNT IS A BARNACLE
SARCASM: This is the next step up..it's slightly more complex and exciting
than the DBNK-SES (Abbreviated for her pleasure!) but can still be handled by
the average modem geek. This involves a bit of the same elements of the
DBNK-SES but with a tricky difference: One must say exactly the opposite of
what one means to get one's point across. For example, say these purely
imaginary people Neillybob Nibble and Scooter Shazam are sitting together at a
purely hypothetical place. Neillybob might hypothetically look at Scooter's
hypothetical shirt and say "Gee, Scooter, that shirt doesn't look at ALL like
you hurled all over it after eating your mom's cooking even though it looked
like toxic waste." See? What he REALLY meant to say was "Scooter, that shirt
looks like you hurled all over it after eating your mom's cooking even though
it looked like toxic waste." That explanation was for those of you that lacked
the necessary intelligence to comprehend it..aw, heck, it was for all of you.
And i'm not being sarcastic at all.
NOW YOU'RE BORDERING ON EXCITEMENT THIS STUFF IS AS COOL AS TIPPER GORE
SARCASM: I lied. This is only bordering on excitement if you think you're a
gnu. But, fortunately, for most of you, this is bordering on excitement. At
least it's more exciting than most of what happens in your lives... I digress.
This type of sarcasm involves the use of EMPHASIS on ONE word in a phrase.
What I mean..is that you CONSTANTLY EMPHASIZE a few words in a sentence and
that REALLY gets your POINT ACROSS. Such as, say these PURELY hypothetical
people are once again sitting next to each other. Scooter might say to
Neillybob, "GEE, Neillybob..what a NICE guy you are." You see? He doesn't mean
that, at all! He's being..<gasp>...sarcastic! Ain't life grand..just like a
piano> Ahhh..make like a tree and BUZZ OFF, okay?
THIS IS SO FRICKING COOL I THINK I'M GOING TO GO BITE MY TOENAILS OFF BUT
WHOOPS I FORGOT YOUR MOM DID THAT ALREADY SARCASM: This type of sarcasm is
especially complex, for in it, you have to employ *laughter*...that's right,
you have to ACT, because there's not much you can truly laugh about except the
sad state of your life and your face. For example, say these people are once
again sitting next to each other. Neillybob might maybe perhaps hypothetically
say to Scooter, "Scooter, I think you're awfully sweet... <rofl>" The <rofl>
indicates that Neillybob starts laughing uproariously and falls on the floor,
laughing so hard that the whole hypothetical place shook. The use of this
riotous laughter at the end of the statement should alert all the
non-vegetables nearby as to the use of that wonderful tool, Sarcasm.
Hopefully the above basics to the art of sarcasm may have given you a few
tips as to how to approach life from now on. Not. No, you didn't at all waste
your time reading this, don't worry about it. I'm POSITIVE that you have a
life, REALLY...i *AM*... <laughing>
? ? [MiLK] Information
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????????????? ??> MiLK File #48: "How To / Sarcasm" By whOOps <???
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