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Electronic Humor Magazine.
Issue016, (Volume IV, Number 2). February, 1987.
NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ods my Bodkins. A beanstalk.
And all the way up to the sky, too."
-- Daffy Duck as "Jack"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contents
========
Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary
A Better Model ................. Parody
Don't Have a Conniption ........ Parody
Water .......................... Parody
Into the Tube .................. Parody
Friend of the System ........... Parody
Don't Call from Home ........... Parody
Put Another Password In ........ Parody
The Disks of Unix .............. Parody
A Better Model ................. Parody
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nuts & Bolts
==============
by Brent C.J. Britton
My sincere apologies to those of you who have been patiently await-
ing the arrival of this, the Special Song Parody Issue of NutWorks.
I am so deeply entrenched in the quagmire of mid-semester classwork that
I have little time to sit and put issues of NutWorks together. It has
been at least 3 days since I have read anything humorous, and now, I've
gained weight, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet
swelled, my gums are bleeding, my sinuses are clogged, I have heartburn,
I'm cranky, and I have gas.
The next issue of NutWorks will be out in the first or second week of
March, depending solely on the whim of 4 or 5 college professors who
seem to think that Florida isn't a good place for me to spend spring
break.
Enough of these idle complaints. Don't let the size of this issue
scare you. As they say in the more relaxed installations, "Don't sweat
it, it's only ones and zeros."
bcjb
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't Have a Conniption
=======================
by Brent C.J. Britton
Sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian"
by the Bangles
All the system ops in this place,
They monitor me, just for fun.
If I logon here,
(ohwayoh)
They force me off 'fore my profile runs.
'Cause I have a reputation
For doing things which I shouldn't be,
Like running CHATS,
(ohwayoh)
And bootlegging Lotus-123.
So you see, when they yell at me, I say,
(wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
"Don't have a conniption..."
Found how to change all my privs;
I didn't know that I broke a rule.
I forced the op,
(ohwayoh)
I dropped the link, then I purged the spool.
All the sys ops, so sick of me,
They don't let my databases run.
I broke CP,
(ohwayoh)
They had a big fat connip-tion.
When they NOLOG my account, I say
(wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
"Don't have a conniption..."
They've hated me since I stored
Inside the real PSW.
We crashed hard you know,
(ohwayoh)
I guess I forgot a bit or two.
If you want to find software cops,
They're hanging out in the software shops.
They kick your pants,
(ohwayoh)
And give the boot to your VMBLOCK.
I ran my Turing Machine;
Another one was assembl'in.
And it crunched all night,
(ohwayoh)
The system op had connip'tions.
To software cops in the software shops, I say
(wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
"Don't have a conniption..."
"Don't have a conniption."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Water
=====
By Ken Hayes <@WSUVM1>
Sung to the tune of "Lola"
by The Kinks
We rafted down the Salmon in Idaho,
We shot the rapids and then we got splashed by the waaater.
Wa wa wa wa waaaater...
We rafted still further with our beers in our hands,
Then we fell in and we got real wet 'cause of the waaaater.
Wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaater...
Chorus:
waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater.
waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater.
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand,
How it rolls like a woman and sprays like a man.
Oh, the waaater, wa wa wa wa waaater...
(chorus)
Well we drank our wine, and partied all night.
We'd never ever seen this river's might.
We got kinda smashed and then we turned in,
Knowing that tomorrow we'd be there again.
Well I'm not the world's most scarable guy,
But I sure got scared when I fell into, yes, the waaater.
wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaater.
(chorus)
(repeat chorus until people are about ready to lynch you)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Into the Tube
=============
by Mike Portuesi <rainwalker@drycas>
Sung to the tune of "Into The Groove"
by Madonna
And you can hack,
For computation.
Come on,
It's waiting...
Chorus:
Stare into the tube,
Boy, you've got to prove
Your subroutine.
RS-232,
And full duplex too,
With no parity.
Hacking can be such a revelation,
When you can find your missing declaration.
It might be running if the code is right;
I hope to fix a major bug tonight.
Only when I'm hacking can I feel this free.
At night I buy some Coke,
And hack till after three.
I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves.
Tonight, I want to write
with IF-THEN-ELSE!
(chorus)
You've got to type NEW
in a special way,
Or else it won't clear
Out your first array.
Don't try to run it with your memory size.
I've got an error on the hard disk drive.
Only when I'm hacking,
Can I feel this free.
At night I buy some Coke,
And hack till after three.
I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves.
Tonight, I want to write
with IF-THEN-ELSE!
(chorus)
Live out your fantasy,
Written in C.
Just let those macros
Set you free.
Touch my BREAK key,
In real time.
Now I'm not on line.
(chorus)
Only when I'm hacking,
Can I feel this free.
At night I buy some Coke,
And hack till after three.
I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves.
Tonight, I want to write
with IF-THEN-ELSE!
Live out your fantasy,
Written in C.
Just let those macros
Set you free.
Touch my BREAK key,
In real time.
Now I'm not on line,
Now I'm not on line,
Now I'm not on line,
Now I'm not on line (nasal, like Madonna)
Now I'm not on line.
(repeat chorus - fade out)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Friend of the System
====================
By Larry Stone <STONE@YALECS>
Submitted by Jeff Brandenburg <BRAND@VTCS1>
Sung to the tune of "Friend of the Devil"
by Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter
I logged on to the Ed-VAX, left a trail of coffee grounds.
Didn't get to sleep that night 'til the morning came around.
Chorus:
Said I'll run my program but it will take some time;
A friend of the System is a friend of mine.
If I get done before daylight,
I just might write some code tonight.
Ran into the System, baby, and it tried to blow me off.
Spent the evening learning Pascal but still all it does is scoff!
(chorus)
I tried to run the editor, but the System caught me there;
It took my FORTRAN program and it vanished in the air!
(chorus)
Got two reasons why I stay awake each night and day;
The first one's name I can't pronounce, but he is my TA.
The second one's my college Dean, 'cause I'm about to fail!
She says if I don't pass C.S. I won't be long at Yale.
Got a program in T-Lisp, baby, and one in FORTRAN IV.
The first one has a hundred bugs but the other one has more!
(chorus)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't Call From Home
====================
by Jonathon Luning <LUNJONT@YALEVMX>
Sung to the Tune of "The Man's Too Strong"
by Dire Straits
I'm just an ageing hacker-boy
And in the days I used to play
And I've called the tune
To many a system's ruin.
Now they say I am a real criminal
And I'm hiding away.
Just one more terminal session.
I have simplified robbery
With my PCs.
I have called in the money
And it's now overseas.
I have re-written bank accounts
With thousands on my books;
Made up identities
Without changing my looks.
And I can still hear the touch-tones
And the clicks on the phone.
Don't call too long.
Don't call from home.
Well I've cracked IBM
And I've cracked NSA
And I've cracked every network
In the whole USA.
I have called out on Sprint
And from any payphone;
Billed to people
I never have known.
And I can still hear the touch-tones
And the clicks on the phone.
Don't call too long.
Don't call from home.
Well the sun comes in my office
And they all did hear him say
"You're really too much for us,
You're worth more than we can pay.
You may still hear from Burroughs
But I ask you now today:
Won't you please work with us
At the good old CIA?"
Now I run all surveillance
From LA to Kremlin's dome.
Don't call too long.
Don't call from home.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Put Another Password In
=======================
by Chesire Catalyst
Submitted by Holly Lee Stowe
Sung to the tune of "Put Another Nickel In"
Put another password in,
Bomb it out and try again.
Try to get past logging in,
We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
Try his first wife's maiden name.
This is more than just a game.
It's real fun, but just the same,
It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
Sys-call, let's try sys-call.
Remember, that great bug from version 3,
Of R S X, It's here! Whoopie!
Put another sys-call in,
Run those passwords out and then,
Dial back up, we're logging in.
It's hacking, hacking, hacking!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Disks of UNIX
=================
Submitted by Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>
Sung to the Tune of "Sounds of Silence"
by Simon and Garfunkel
Hello comix my old friend.
I've come to program you again.
because a student softly creeping,
guessed my password while I was sleeping.
And the programs
with just remnants in my brain,
don't remain,
upon the disks... of UNIX.
In flick'ring lights I type along.
Load my program, what was wrong?
Letters haloed by my squinting,
at the program that I was lint-ing.
For my eyes were blurred
by the flash of the cathode beam,
term'nal screen,
and all the C... on UNIX.
And in the fuzzy light I saw
10,000 hackers, maybe more:
Hackers staring without blinking,
hackers typing without thinking.
Hackers writing code
that programs never shared.
(No one dared,
disturb the disks... of UNIX.)
"Fools," said I, "you do not know.
Kludges make the d.u. grow.
Comment functions that I might read them.
Update man-files 'cause I might need them."
But my words
like unread printout fell,
(Oh well...)
An echo,
On the disks... of UNIX.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Better Model
==============
by Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
Submitted by "Spam"
Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General"
by Gilbert and Sullivan
I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
Chorus: His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting.
I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
Cho: Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
He's built a better model than the one at Data General.
The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal;
At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal;
While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean,
At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in.
Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort;
The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort.
All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well;
And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
Cho: And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell?
By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive
I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive.
In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
Cho: In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
He's built a better model than the one at Data General.
In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter,
When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter,
When I can point to registers and keep their current map around,
And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound,
When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering,
And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering,
When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate.
Cho: You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate.
Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively
Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively,
But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
Cho: But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He's built a better model than the one at Data General.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Issue016, (Volume IV, Number 2). February, 1987.