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Article 5180 of alt.zines:
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From: bfar333@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu (Brian Farmer)
Newsgroups: alt.zines
Subject: Fondle my balls... an e-zine, you mook
Date: 23 Aug 1994 13:34:43 -0400
Organization: the Ninth Circle O' Hell, where the big Red Guy dwells...
Lines: 381
Message-ID: <33dbvj$fs8@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: freenet3.scri.fsu.edu
Summary: Annoying waste of bandwidth posing as zine
Keywords: zine,annoying,waste,ferret,cheese,lube,strap-on-flesh-zucchini,stuff
Lubrication: Astroglide
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
[insert pointlessly huge ASCII logo here]
FONDLE MY BALLS (WEEKLY)
ISSUE 1,
VOLUME I,
THE YEAR 1, ANNO MCMAHONIUM
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FONDLE MY BALLS (WEEKLY) is published whenever I can get it together and
implies no guarantees as to prolonged existance.
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FMB(W) is solely staffed, edited, typed, written and generally propagated by
the GOD OF THUNDER, grievous (aka bfar333@freenet.scri.fsu.edu). Any problems
with the content, reviews or whatever can be written out (in longhand, please)
on plain white 8 1/2" X 11" paper, folded until they're all sharp corners and
then gently thrust into thy nether regions. Be sure to say "hi!" to your
colon for me!
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I may start a FONDLE MY BALLS WWW area on my home page - who knows? If you'd
like to view it's current sordid state of devolvement, get thine ass to:
http://www.cyberspace.org/u/grievous/www/home_page.html
Or not - it's your life.
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"She was being stalked by her own alternate personality." Well, ain't
that a bitch.
Anyways, if you detect a note of stark, shrill terror in my writing, it's
because I just acquired a job which starts tomorrow. I am personally opposed
to the bullshit slacker-as-icon aesthetic which proliferated for a while (much
shorter than the media would have you believe), but dammit I HATE WORKING. I
hate going into work every fucking day, seeing all those hapless dickheads
going about their work and LOVING IT. Or at least tolerating it. Meanwhile
I'm nauseated by merely talking to anyone I don't know and feel like I have a
rampant case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder at the end of the day... Oh,
well - nevermind. Just rambling...
Uhm, give me some feedback on what you think of the zine and stuff - it's
intended to be modest, short, dull. Send me some e-mail if you want
(grievous@cyberspace.org or bfar333@freenet.fsu.edu) and I may write back.
I'm not going to say "subscribe!" because I don't know if there will be an
issue 2. Eep.
Send me nude .gifs of Ernest Borgnine. Tell me about your sexual
escapades with a riding lawnmower. Send me captured netsex files. Sign a
release and let me use them. Just kidding. I don't _need_ a release.
Anyways, later for now, enjoy the spew and stuff.
[grievous]
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T A B L E O F C O N T E N T S
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Oh, fuck you.
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# M U S I C K #
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BUZZOV*EN - SORE (ROADRUNNER)
12 songs.
Lacerating sheet-metal-tearing numbing manic noise from the NC boys, as usual.
"To A Frown" (their last album) was perhaps edging more towards the slow
torture side, while this slab sees them going full on meth-jitter apeshit.
From the opening mortar-blast scree of "Sore" to the bluesy lurch of "Hollow"
to the slow pound of "Pathetic" to the final searing cautery of "This is
Not..." you'll swear these guys are the sickest brutal fucks on the planet.
Where EYEHATEGOD wallows in piss and liquor, BUZZOV*EN snorts about 3 kilos of
crank and grabs you by your face and shoots off little bits of your flesh with
their stentorian shotgun-blast. HATEFUL shit here - kirk's voice fucking
drips pain into your unsuspecting mind, while the guitars buzz scream and howl
most improperly under the pick's relentless assault. Dig - they sound like
they're physically trying to break their strings; how they make it through a
whole song with all 6 intact I don't know. Here, chew on this broken glass
for a while...
MELVINS - TANKS 7"
MELVINS - "With Yo Heart.../4 Letter Woman/Anal Satan" 7" (SYMPATHY)
MELVINS - NIGHTGOAT 7" (AMPHETAMINE REPTILE)
Der meisters of trudge-spew have spewed forth these slabs at some point
previous to now (whether these are dated or not, I have literally no idea -
although I know "Nightgoat" is a bit aged). We'll start from the beginning,
eh?
"TANKS" appears to be a bootleg (?) of a Peel Session, which generally
don't have great sound quality - witness Napalm Death's Peel Session. But, of
course, the material shines through the sloppy production in a most excellent
performance with the "Bullhead" lineup. Kicking off with "Leech" (credited to
Turner/Arm - Mudhoney? Green River?), a most excellent haunting dirge with
krush-groove guitars and Buzz's manic yelping and crooning, you know this
vinyl is classic. Den de boyz slam der geetars into "Euthanasia", another
instant classic of Melvin-o-phonia; the real surprise I guess is the last
track "Theme," which reminds me of the Pain Teens a bit with sampled voices in
the background and squealing guitars; it reminds me of Godflesh a bit, too.
This one is generally priced at around 5 bucks but is definitely worth it for
the Melvins fan.
The Sympathy For The Record Industry single (which doesn't seem to have an
official title) is definitely worth the 2.50 I paid for it (even with the
scratches on side 1 - ahem) but doesn't grab me as an instant classic - it
catches the Mel's in their more rock-like incarnation (which also features the
same lineup as "TANKS" funny-funny) but is still quite good. Side A is
another cover (written by A. Wood/K. Wood - who?!) and is pretty amusing; it
gets heavy towards the end; the music on this (and the whole thing) just kind
of lacks the "OOMPH!" I expect from the Melvins... It's close to the rockier
stuff on "Bullhead" or "Ozma" I suppose. Side B starts with "Four Letter
Woman" which is pretty fast and groovy, it ain't "Honey Bucket" though. Last
up is "Anal Satan" which is basically samples and yelling and drum machines,
sort of the Melvins do "Rock Box".
"Nightgoat" b/w "Adolescent Wet Dream" (credited to Jon Spencer - Pussy
Galore?) is probably tied with "Tanks" for coolness; the version of
"Nightgoat" is fucking AMAZING compared to the "Houdini" version (which is
planet-shattering in it's own right) - it's a bit longer, slower, deeper and
heavier. If you told me K.K. Null was playing second guitar on it I wouldn't
be surprised... The B-side is pretty cool and punky, more in the heavy vein
than the Sympathy single. ARGH!
BECK - ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE (K)
16 songs.
I quite like this tape - it expands on the folky/bluesy/slightly countryedge
of tunes like "Pay No Mind" and "Whiskeyclone, Hotel City" from "Mellow Gold",
but with a more raw, genuine feel. The damn thing runs from traditional
folkisms to semi-punk (albeit with a valium coma) to the droning weirdness of
"Mellow Gold". There are two other vocalists who appear, albeit briefly, but
they also add a nicely unique flavor; this record will get no pop-play (damn)
but definitely goes towards proving that the Hansen boy has plenty of talent.
How someone so frigging young can sound so... Hmm. Pretty good.
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Foaming Evil Death (no, not those birth control thingies)
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A REVIEW OF...ahem, SOAP!
No, not that stupid shit your mom wastes brain cells
watching all day, every day - the crap most folks use to
clean their filthy, disgusting (oops - that's the christian
in me talking) bodies.
Let us begin, yes? (one to five *'s)
OIL OF OLAY BATH BAR