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DAMN IT! Why aren't you viewing the HYPERTEXT VERSION?!?!?!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!?..!
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???? ?????? ? Pizza Underground Digest Volume 3 Issue 03 Epic 67 ? ?????? ????
???? ?????? ? Serving the modem folks for a very really long time. ? ?????? ????
???? ? ???? ? This issue composed mainly by: Baphomet the *.* ? ? ???? ????
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"...it doesn't line up write on my computer..."[1]
? GR@@TS dU0dz!
Hello and welcome to more of PUD! Yes, greeeaaaatttt! Woopidty. Okay
contain yourself, no premature ejaculation allowed here. So why are
you still reading this? Well there can be a number of reasons. One
you have no life whatsoever. Two, your just a really PuDRific Kind of
guy. Three, you think it's the in thing to do. Well your right it is!
MTV recently did an expose on us and it be will airing in between YO!
MTV Raps and thier new half-hour PolkAThOn hosted by none other than
Jerry Lewis, so look for us there. Now on with the mayhem...
? MAIL! Really? Yes...
Hey mail is great! And getting tossed off of some fido-net echos can not
only be fun but is really good for your overall llarma. 'But how do I
get tossed off of FidoNet' you whine? Well unlike VNET where you almost
have to threaten Roland's life or just crack on VBBS for eighteen or
nineteen messages straight, one message will usually suffice on Fido. So
what, all mighty baph what do I post about? Well this is the fun part.
Anything off topic or offensive. Huh? Okay listen go oh say into the
fido gaming echo and say just hold down the return key for while, 14.4k
or local prefered, and stop on a message any message. Okay now you will
have a message from a really swell person. Oh say like on of the apogee
game writers. Now all you do is tell him how much you hate his games and
all apogee stands for and you finish it like this...
[CUT]
No flaming intended. No wait a second...yes it was. Damn I hate you.[2]
[CUT]
And the mail will come ROLLING IN! All kind of great replies from the
dregs of modem society stuff like:
[CUT]
Wait mines a flame on you! you closed minded little geek!
get a girlfriend![3]
[CUT]
Now what do you when you get stuff like this? After all you will more
than likely only get a warning from your first message. So here you
simply take any reply you get and just trash the hell out of the loser
who sent it to you. Tossed. Gone. You'll get kicked off FidoNet faster
than a VBBS SysOp can tell what day of the week it is.
? AutoPosts?
So what do you so with that fine feature of VBBS? Well you use them
to tell people how much you enjoy thier company. Here's an example from
one of the 400 hundred local VBBS's...
?????????????????????????????????? AutoPost ??????????????????????????????????
By: Baphomet the limbo king #12
Damn you ALL SUCK. SOMEONE ON ANY BOARD can talk shit. You correct them and
all the little fags start crying. Damn your all sad. Besides 4Dos, not dos 4.0
you idiots, is the only way to go. Ohhh go the fuck back to your Qbasic.Exe
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By: Suicidal #113
There is nothing wrong with correcting people, just don't be an asshole about
it! Asshole, you suck! As for fag, well, I don't think so. You're the one
who's always hanging on Beanie's right hand side...Hmmmm as for QBasic, C rulz
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By: NO COURiER #148
Talk a little more mess there, C boy. Programs tend to compile better
under C when the computer is turned ON. This can depend on whether or not
you have electricity....
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By: Vixen #150
hi... I missed you guys....
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????[4]
? Stealing Campsites for [P]HUN and Prophet.
Okay so you want to become a god. Well it's damn easy and with a little
bit of help from me on the proper way to steal campsites you too may
one day become a proficent and great Phrophet of the World. Now becoming
a god can sometimes be a difficult and trying time. In this time you
will more than likely have to handle undo hardships such as death, small
ugly children and many late night prayer sessions. So how do I prepare
myself you ask? Well the answer is easy. Steal Campsites. Although many
will not make the connection behind a good camp-site thief and a god, I
in all my greatness, glory, masculinity, despera...oops...anywayz I have
found the many benefits and godlike attributes that come from campsite
theft. So how do I steal a campsite? First of all you must plan to go
camping but UNDER no circumstances are you to prepare in any way other
than invite people and take some tents with you. Do not check the tents
for all parts and rely only on your memories of the tent as a small
child. Next get a caravan of cars, more than is allowed at the campsite
and drive to the gate[If they don't have a gate ignore the next part].
Now at the gate you won't know the passcode to get in. That can be a big
problem but not if you come adequatly prepaired. What do you need? A
female. Preferebly one with an extrananous amount of some body-part or
the other. Have her sit at the gate holding up traffic. Until someone
who actually know the keycode comes up and lets her in. Then your in!
Now for the theft. The best way to do this is to cruise through the many
campgrounds looking for PAID lots, no use it getting those nasty unpaid
ones. When you see one pull in and set up camp. Now if a ranger comes up
you have to feign stupidity or you can always blame it on somebody else.
That's the road I would take. The ranger goes by, you look for another
camp and take it. If the man bothers you again, you kill him. Contrary
to popular belief ranger uniforms when tightly wrapped around bodies
burn rather well and they help you to build a great fire. Now I know
you are asking how in the fuck does this make me godlike? Well it hasn't
yet but that's because the night is still young. After finding out you
are missing a great number of pieces needed to erect the tents here is
where your godlike abilities come out. Simply stand around until some
one who knows how to put up the tent does it. Here you have proced how
menial tasks are below you and no god does menial tasks. After the tent
is set up now you play stupid games based around the sport of your
choice. Why? all gods need to be loosened up in case of a late night
trip to the bathroom. Also if you piss people off playing your sports
then you are doing well, after all every god must have enemies. Okay now
for the fun part. But alas this is an unregistered copy of PUD and being
such this story is stopped here. If you would like to recieve the full
section on Phrophecy and CampSites then send $19.95 to Me. Care of DAMN
THIS WAS A STUPID SECTION.
? Hymie [PART2]
Hello. I'm Doctor Hymie. I will answer all of your C00L QueSTi0NS about
medicine. You will find all you need to know from my "Univerisity of
California at Berkeley Wellness Letter". In it, you will find tips like:
? Enrichening your diet with beta carotene. Beta carotene
is the nutrient in fruits and egetabes that your body
converts to vitamin A. Vitamin A plays a vital role in
the production of sphygma (commonly known as "eye crap").
? To cut fat and calories, use less oil when cooking your
deli delights. Often, the fat present in the food you
are cooking is more than enough to thoroughly cook your
food. For instance, did you know that the average ten
pound baby has more than four pounds of fat?
? Eat a raw potato. The average uncooked potato has enough
micro-organisms thriving inside it to give you a rush, an
alimentary rush, but a rush nonetheless. You'll be the
envy of all of your friends. They will think that your
case of diarrhea was caused by a visit to exotic Mexico,
but only you will know that it was caused by eating an
ordinary household potato.
? Accentuate the positive. Researchers have found that the
keys to reducing stress are finding the good in all
things. For example: Call it "a chance to catch up on
your relaxation," don't call it "total unreversable
paralysis." Call it "not having to worry about athlete's
foot", don't call it "an amputation." Call it a "really
close haircut," don't call it a "scalping". Remember:
focus on the good things.
? It's not true that dark sunglasses cause your pupils to
dialate and thus admit more ultaviolet rays. Suprisingly,
you can massively dialte your eyes by merely taking one of
your mom's perscription barbituates.
? Allow microwaved food to stand after cooking. Heat tends to
concentrate on the inside and only several minutes after
cooking will it radiate outwards. Anyone who's ever micro-
waved a cat can tell you that while kitty's fur is still
all soft and cozy and kitt's nose is still cold and snotty,
kitty's internal organs are hot enough to burn your tongue.
Be careful with that microwave cuisine!
But that's just a preview. In the newsletter you will also find out:
The First Thing to do After Accidental Finger Removal
How to Pop your Brother's Arm Out of Socket
How to Painfully Re-Socket Your Brother's Arm
The Benefits of a Good Beating
Ten Reasons Why Inhaling Glue is Good for You
How Running from the Police is Aerobic Excercise
Early Detection of Prostrate Cancer for Fun an Profit
Convincing you Sister's Friends to Jump Rope for Their Health
How to get a Quick High from Walnuts
Healthy Llama Recipes
Why Beating your Red Meat is Unhealthy
The Healthy Way to Tenderize You Red Meat
The Smart Way to Get a Mammogram
The Benefits of a Wet Nap versus a Wet Dream
The High Tech Way to Hit on Babes
And before you ask "How can I get a copy of the newsletter?" there's
more:
ALL SUBSCRIBERS WILL RECEIVE A COMPLIMENTARY
LESSON IN YOGA POSITIONS FROM TALKING GIRL!!!
Now you can ask. Thanks for asking. The only way to obtain the
newsletter is to read PuD, the only place (so far) that has accepted the
newsletter for publication. Obviously, the taste of modern day publications
has declined to the point of not appreciating the subtle humour of Dr. Hymie
and associates. Their loss.
<---------------------------------------------------------------------------->
EDITORIAL BOARD OF ADVISORS:
Chairman: Adivisor of Gynecology:
Buster Hymen, B.S., M.D. Mike Hunt, M.D., OB/GYN.
Associate Chairmen: Tuber Advisor:
Baph O. Met, B.S., Ph.D. Digit Al Saint, B.S., Dr.T.S.
N. O. COURiER, B.S., GYN.
? [MaF] Artwork!
Yes! Here is a ton of [MaF] artwork for you discriminating collectors.
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[Mooga, the Whale]
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[Mooga, on a Sailboat]
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[Mooga, on a Plane.]
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[Mooga, on a Hot Air Balloon]
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Tandy ???????????? ???
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??????? [Mooga, Leeching WaReZ]
? J0KeS fOr FuN!
***NOTE*** this can be an extremely dangerous and unhealthy joke to
play on someone if they are not prepaired for the Earth Shattering
consequences it can have. You have been warned, proceed...
Phone Joke number 1:
First you need a really great person on the other end, oh someone
like K0LBeRT KiD number whatever. Then when you have decided that
15 seconds you have already spent talking to him is hell you play
the really groovy joke on him. All you do is ask him to count to
some easy number, I recommend 5. Note that hear the prey may seem
to struggle but just keep prodding them, they will give in soon.
When your pray begins to count, hang-up. Fun and efficient. Now
call someone else so the line is busy when they dial in. They may
or may not depeneding think that the hang-up was an accident.
Phone Joke number 2:
Next you need a really bright operator. Tell her you want to call
any foriegn country. ANY one. All you need is the country code no
use in bothering with a real full number. Now that you have the
operator on the line tell her the number you wish to dial. When
she asks how will you be paying, you answer change of course. She
will already be really pissed just at that fact. So she will now
wait on, oh say 3 bucks and then she starts to dial...Let her get
almost all of the way done then INTERRUPT her. Tell her you gave
her the wrong number. Repeat this wrong number process three or
four times and VIOLA! The operator will actually HANG up on you!
? Sources for Qoutes:
[1]: Acoustic Saint aka Digital Saint:
Said when asked about how he liked the hypertext version of PUD 3
1. It seems he couldn't understand the coherant and docile screen
made for us by [MaF] to be the main menu.
[2]: Cut from one of my posts to some head apogee guy...
[3]: A rebuttal from apogee freak's really protective friends...
[4]: AutoPosts stolen courtesy of Midian.
[5]: Or whatever the current name may be. Right now it is 'used to be
VOC before it got hit by a virus.' The name varies from week to
week and with the number one poster on the board.
[6]: Based on an actual statement from a local WWiV sysop when he was
telling us how the Doughnut girl actually called him a regular. But
wait she even knew what his table was and what the 'usual' means.
[7]: A word of advice for all of us to follow... Sent in mail to Digital
Saint when he was saying something about his 'really good coded'
BBS locking up.
? MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL SEND MAIL
PuD senior editors can always be reached at:
Baphomet the Limbo King 14@2506 WWIVNET
NO COURiER 25@2506 WWIVNET
Or call Project-X[5] and EMAIL us there at (205)-883-0894
Contributing users may be more difficult to find:
Hymie????????????????????84@2506 WWIVNET
fReD tHe HiTmAn Currently a 'Regular' at a doughnut place.[6]
The BrAvE LiTtLe ToAsteR At a stolen Camp Site.
G-BUNNY Sid's Mouth O'Rama.
Biscuit and Gravy Hunting BasketBalls.
Date Released: Mon 05-27-1993
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????????Ending?Qoute??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????? Perhaps you should take a look at VBBS... [7]????????
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