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The Electronic Humor Magazine
--------------------------------------------------
Version 1 Release A January 1995
Editor: Dave Bealer
Copyright 1995 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
Printed on 100% recycled electrons
Filmed before a virtual studio audience
Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX4
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - A Taxing Experience....................................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
1994 RAH Online Industry Awards....................................03
The Dating Game....................................................04
Attack Of The X Demographic........................................06
Recipe: Lemon Curry Stir-Fry.......................................08
DREAM FORGE Subscription Information...............................10
Announcements......................................................11
Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............11
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3
Random Access Humor Page 1 January 1995
About Vaporware Communications
VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:
Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
---------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTICE to sysops in Oklahoma and similar bastions of progressive
thinking: This issue of RAH mentions body parts (such as hands and
feet) that may stir the prurient interests of the Thought Police in
your area (or any other area that can reach your area by telephone).
You bear full responsibility for any reaction the presence of this
material on your system may evoke from the Forces Of Goodness And
Right (Reformed). Have a nice day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mental Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 issue Servings Per Container 1
=====================================================================
Amount per serving
Ideas: 23 Ideas from fatheads: 5
=====================================================================
% daily value
Total fatheads: 2 15
Saturated fatheads: 1 24
Castor Oil: 0 0
Silliness: 11 110
Total Comic content: 51
Actual jokes: 37 73
Puns: 14 1145
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - A Taxing Experience
by Dave Bealer
One of my New Year's resolutions again this year will be to lose
weight. Yeah, right! -- just when Goodyear is about to give me a
contract as their reserve blimp. Another resolution will be to
actually complete and file my federal income tax return before April.
Many folks file at the very last minute so that they can save the
money needed to pay what they owe -- or just collect interest on it
until the last possible moment. I'm one of those brilliant people
who files near the deadline despite the fact that Uncle Sam owes ME a
refund.
Random Access Humor Page 2 January 1995
My old Uncle Sam always seems to be down on his luck and looking for
a handout. Nice guy that I am, I decide to let him keep what he owes
for a few months longer than necessary each year. Right. The truth,
of course, is that I'm a world class procrastinator. My motto is,
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until next month."
The sad thing is that many Americans use their tax overpayments as a
kind of savings plan. It's the only way they can get together a big
chunk of money for major purchases. Two years ago I used my refund
to purchase another 486 system to run my BBS. This year I expect to
use it for one of those multi-disk CD-ROM changers for my personal
machine. Those things are good for keeping lots of reference CD-ROMs
online at all times. Plus it'll keep the disks from getting lost in
my office, which you generally need a machete to move around in.
- - - -
Another resolution is to actually make my first live (SLIP/PPP)
connection to the internet in 1995. And I always thought telnet and
ftp were the real internet. The Web is waiting. So, undoubtedly, is
the Spider. {RAH}
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Lettuce to the Editor
Area: Internet Mail
Date: 12-14-94 13:52 (Private)
From: JIMMY.ANDERSON@VDIM.COM
To: LETTUCE
Subject: My first issue from you..
Organization: The Virtual Dimension | Jackson, TN USA
Hi Lettuce!
Just wanted to let you know that I d/l the December issue from a
local BBS and only had to see part of it to know it *had* to be u/l
to the other regular BBS I use. It's great! I've already incorporated
some of the "bumper stickers" you showed into my tagline collection.
Thanks! :)
I'll be sure to try and find some older issues now, and help pass
those on as well.
Good luck in the future in the merger!
jimmy.anderson@vdim.com
jla4268@erc.jscc.cc.tn.us
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Jimmy,
Thank you for the comments. It's good to hear that new readers
aren't being discouraged by the merger. Most of the feedback so far
has been positive. To paraphrase both The Grateful Dead and MST3K:
"Keep circulating the ZIPs!" <g>
DB
Random Access Humor Page 3 January 1995
1994 RAH Online Industry Awards
by Dave Bealer
It's late December -- time to start working on the January issue of
RAH, and also time to spend a few seconds cooking up some malarky
that readers will accept as an awards article.
No doubt about it, 1994 was a big year for the online industry. Here
are some of the reasons why:
>> Most Successful Use of Smoke & Mirrors <<
The World Wide Web (WWW)
- touted by virtually every industry pundit as the greatest
innovation since sliced silicon, "The Web" has been the
biggest online news of 1994. Since late summer organizations
have been scrambling to get online with a web server. This
isn't too surprising, since statistics prove that more people
are on the net (and using the web) than actually exist on the
planet at this time. (Hey, at least when they're "in the web"
they're not out polluting streams and the air.)
>> Biggest Online Myth <<
Bandwidth
- the idea that there is enough bandwidth on the net to support
ten or twenty million simultaneous SLIP or PPP connections to
let everyone access all these wonderful new Web servers is the
biggest load of bull droppings since Clinton said he was a "New
Democrat" who was going to lower taxes. The promise that there
will be enough bandwidth REAL SOON NOW is about as believable as
Clinton's protestations that he really WILL lower taxes one of
these years. Sure, they'll simply use some of the alien
technology from all those UFOs that have crashed in the
California desert through the years. Don't worry, those
companies that sell web server packages for $30,000 - $60,000
to unsuspecting companies would never lie about the potential
market. Would they? And for those who think that all the
pre-existing coax TV cable is the answer, remember ISDN? That
was supposed to be the next level of throughput beyond voice
telephone lines. The trouble is that the Baby Bells are
killing ISDN by pricing it out of the market. The cable
companies are likely to pull the same stunt unless someone can
successfully reason with their executives. Good luck.
>> Most Sensible WWW Server <<
Welcome to the White House (http://www.whitehouse.gov)
- a move asked for by the Secret Service. It's a lot easier to
remove bullet holes from a web server screen that from the real
White House. Perhaps they should move the White House some
place safe, like downtown Beirut.
Random Access Humor Page 4 January 1995
>> Most Important Non-WWW Related Happening Online <<
There wasn't one this year.
>> Most Important Non-WWW Related Happening Offline <<
ONE BBSCON - Atlanta, GA.
- Phil "Isn't that a neat laser?" Becker and Marion "Hey! It was
John Wayne's real name too!" Rickard did it again. A five day
orgy of deal making that culminated in the First Annual Green
Nerfball Over Banquet Table Challenge. Nike and Coppertone are
eyeing sponsorships for the second annual event this year,
which may take place on the beach at Tarpon Springs, FL.
>> Least Believable Excuse <<
Hayes Microcomputers Accounting Department
- who were quoted, when explaining Hayes' mid-November Chapter 11
bankruptcy filing, as saying, "Oops! We were using Pentiums to
run all our accounting software."
>> Vaporware of the Year <<
Remote Imaging Protocol V2.0 -- Telegrafix Communications, Inc.
- the screens looked sharp in Atlanta back in August, JPEG photos
and all. But rumor has it that, even if RIP 2.0 does arrive,
basic drawing functions present in V1.54 may be missing. If
the rumors are true, the industry may be better off if RIP 2.0
remains vaporware. {RAH}
--------------
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as
he writes and publishes electronically. Dave can be reached via
email at: dbealer@dreamforge.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dating Game
by Greg Borek
Him: Where is that damned waiter?
Her: Please, don't swear, it's not very polite. Besides, he's busy.
He'll be along in a moment.
Him: The service here really stinks. I don't know why we ever came
to this fern dump.
Her: This is my favorite restaurant. The atmosphere is so quaint in
here. I really enjoy the ferns and antiques. I would have decorated
it exactly the same way myself. And besides, the food is so
interesting.
Random Access Humor Page 5 January 1995
Him: What, the tiny piles of cleverly arranged, overpriced vegetarian
scraps? There isn't enough wimpy food in the portions here to keep a
man going for ten minutes. Now, give me a good, thick, bloody
steak,...
Her: AAUGH!
Him: ...preferably something I've killed myself. Don't you find that
the meat you kill your self always tastes better for some reason? I
often go out on the weekends with my NRA buddies, shoot a few bambis,
and drink couple of cases apiece.
Her: I don't think it's very clever to drink too much, especially
common and vulgar beer. It's much more civilized to always be in
control. We never have anything alcoholic to drink at our "Rabid
Friends of Animals" meetings. Sometimes we have a little wine at our
Ballet appreciation nights, but those are special occasions. Do you
attend any cultural activities?
Him: I go to all of the Jean-Claude Van Damme and Stephen Segal
movies as soon as they come out, if that's what you mean. Oh, and
give me a good Death Wish or Dirty Harry movie any day. Where is
that damn, oops, sorry, f-ing waiter?
Her: Um,...I don't want to state the obvious but I don't think this
is going to work out between us.
Him: Well, you're probably right but it's a shame we didn't get
along. You are not that bad looking.
Her: NOT THAT BAD LOOKING?
Him: I mean you don't look that heavy.
Her: NOT THAT HEAVY?
Him: For a woman of your age.
Her: FOR A WOMAN OF MY AGE? This has got to be the worst blind date
I've ever been on. I can't imagine what the computer was thinking
when it matched us up.
Him: Computers are finite-state machines: they do not think. Someone
input the wrong data into the program, that's all.
Her: We have absolutely nothing in common. Besides, you have all the
manners and social graces of a 5th level Scrubbletrang.
Him: A 5th level Scrubbletrang? Scrubbletrangs are very rare below
the 3rd level unless...wait a minute, how do you know about
Scrubbletrangs? Do you play "Voyage to the Plane of Death"?
Random Access Humor Page 6 January 1995
Her: Play? I'm a "Voyage" master. I've completed all 12 levels in
all three sequels to the game. Did you hear that they will be coming
out with another sequel in two months? You don't seem the "Voyage"
type?
Him: Are you kidding? I love the game. Can't get enough of it!
Wow! It is amazing to find someone who knows so much about the most
perfect computer game ever written. How long did it take you to
figure out to use the candle to subdue the evil...
Waiter: Will there be anything else this evening?
Him: Go away! Can't you see I'm having an intimate conversation with
my girlfriend here?
Her: That's right! Go away and leave us alone. What were you
saying, dear? {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Greg can be reached
via email at: gborek@dreamforge.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Attack Of The X Demographic
by Dave Bealer
Boomers Rule! Or at least we used to. As the largest generation in
American history, we Baby Boomers are used to being the center of
attention. Thousands of brand new schools were built for our
specific use in the 1950s and 1960s, not that we appreciated them all
that much at the time. We had bigger parties than anyone else (e.g.
Woodstock), more drugs, free love, and consequently less surviving
brain cells (on average) than any generation before or since.
Things change, however, even for the Boomers. We took our time about
it, but many of us eventually started raising families. Frequently
we skipped the "marry and settle down" prelude, not accustomed to
being bound by tradition. Still, a peaceful, clean Earth suddenly
became less an exercise in idealism we desired for ourselves, than
something OUR children needed to live long, safe, happy lives. Never
mind that as soon as they become teenagers, our kids go off tilting
at their own windmills. At least their windmills are made from
recycled materials.
Boomers have, on the whole, ended up with more traditional jobs than
they expected. Geodesic dome installation and repair did not become
the growth industry that had been envisioned. Neither did commune
planning or wind farm operation (except in the District of Columbia,
where the hot air blowing out of Congress keeps the lights burning 24
hours/day).
Random Access Humor Page 7 January 1995
A disturbing number of Boomers ended up with careers in real estate,
insurance, law enforcement, law evasion, and other traditional
trades/professions. Someone has to build and install our hot tubs,
decks, satellite dishes, big screen televisions with stereo speakers,
microwave digital toothbrushes, and other non-materialistic
accoutrements.
Yep, the Boomers turned into consumers. Not just average consumers,
but the biggest, most gluttonous and short tempered gang of mall
lizards ever to descend on a rummage sale. The kind of spendthrift
group that makes the folks who do marketing demographics drool all
over their charts and graphs. Now, after years of incessant courting
by the marketing majors (and other vile detritus) of the world, we're
being dumped like a load of week-old mackerel.
The problem is we're getting older. One would think that would be
good, at least from a marketing perspective. People in their forties
and fifties typically hold senior positions in their respective
fields, earning more than they ever did before. Although the people
who market Mercedes-Benzes and trusses target the "more mature"
demographics, the folks who peddle clothing, sunglasses, fast food,
music, sunblock, and electronics lust after that Holy Grail of
marketing, the 18-34 demographic.
As one of the youngest members of the Baby Boomers proper, I'm
already three years past that upper range of marketing cool. Does
that make me a Late Boomer? I've always been considered a late
bloomer. In any event, my status was brought home to me recently
when the "classic rock" radio station I've been listening to while
driving to and from work for ten years was suddenly transformed into
a "Generation X" station. That's right, a whole radio station
dedicated to the so-called music of a generation that refuses to give
out its real name.
I decided to give this "X" music a try for a few days. At least it
didn't include any rap music, which I can't stand. (The realization
that I was getting old struck a couple years ago when I caught myself
saying the exact same things about rap music that my parents said
about rock music.) In the long run it was no good. After so many
years I needed to hear those soothingly familiar sounds from the
sixties and seventies.
Since I'm apparently the last conservative in America who doesn't
listen to talk radio, finding a new music station was mandatory.
Eventually I found an FM station that plays music from the 1970s.
It's not all rock music, but at least it's familiar -- it keeps me
happy as I drive to the mall. I can't afford a Mercedes right now,
so I'm going out to buy a truss. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sound Byte:
"She turned me into a Newt!"
"Yes, Mr. Speaker. Now, about this Witch Burning bill..."
Random Access Humor Page 8 January 1995
Recipe: Lemon Curry Stir-Fry
by Dave Bealer
I come from a long line of good cooks...actually, it's more like a
wide line of good cooks. Wizardry in the kitchen is the family
blessing, but eating too much of our conjurations is the family
curse. Back in the mid-eighties I became fascinated with stir-fry
cooking. This isn't too surprising, since I've always liked oriental
food.
It wasn't long before I started creating my own recipes. One of my
more unusual creations is a sauce inspired by episode #33 of Monty
Python's Flying Circus. That's the episode where various characters
throughout the program stop in mid-sentence and say, "Lemon curry?"
So here it is, my Lemon Curry Stir-Fry recipe:
Sauce:
-----
2 teaspoons curry powder (mild or hot)
1 tablespoon concentrated lemon juice
2 slices fresh ginger root (minced)
1 tablespoon Rice Vinegar
1 tablespoon Rice Wine
1 tablespoon Light Soy Sauce
1 teaspoon minced garlic
ground Szechuan Pepper (to taste)
ground telicherry (black) pepper (to taste)
2 tablespoons Peanut Oil
Meat: 3/4 pound - 1 pound chicken, beef, or whatever you have
laying around. Dice meat into cubes.
Veggies:
I always use diced onions, either green onions or spanish
onions. Usually I include carrots, green peppers, fresh
mushrooms and bean sprouts, when available. Oriental tradition
is to dice and/or slice the veggies into sizes/shapes similar to
the meat. For further oriental authenticity, you might try
adding some canned (or fresh if you can get them) Bamboo Shoots
and Water Chestnuts.
Directions:
----------
Put peanut oil into hot wok, coat sides.
Add ginger and garlic. Fry for about 30 seconds.
Add Onions and carrots. Fry for about 2 minutes, while adding
ground pepper (both kinds).
Add meat and fry until slightly brown.
Add green peppers, mushrooms. Fry for about 2 minutes, while
adding wine, vinegar, soy sauce, lemon juice and curry powder.
Add bamboo shoots and/or water chestnuts, if used. Fry for 1
minute.
Random Access Humor Page 9 January 1995
Add bean sprouts (or other soft vegetables), if used.
Fry for about 30-45 seconds.
Remove from heat.
If you REALLY want to go for the full Monty Python effect, why not
try SPAM as the meat in this dish? If you need some, I have an
unopened can of SPAM left over from a Monty Python party/film
festival I hosted a couple years ago. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW FROM WAFFLEWARE!!
You are President Clinton, it is a month before the '94 elections,
and things do not look good. Polls indicate that the GOP is very
likely to gain the majority in the Senate and make significant gains
in the House as well. If matters weren't worse, many governorships
across the country are on the brink of shifting to the GOP's right
wing ideologies as well.
You are faced with...
CLINTON'S CONGRESS CALAMITY!!!
As President of the United States of America, you must prevent the
GOP from coming into power and thwarting your liberal schemes! But
it won't be easy. Here's a sample of what is in store from you:
o Refute Newt Gingrich's "Contract With America" as
a bunch of typical Republican policies designed to
take money from the poor and elderly to make the rich
richer and the deficit larger.
o Confront the various claims and accusations which are
continually being made by radio talk show hosts such as
Rush Limbaugh.
o Use propaganda to downplay the eighties and Reaganomics
as the decade of greed and imply the GOP wants to take
the country back to this cold era of American history.
o Encourage Democratic candidates to have you come to their
home towns and endorse them, even though record has it
their polls drop once you come to see them.
The fate of your presidency and the Democratic Party is in your
hands! Are you up to the challenge?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
SPECIAL BONUS!
Purchase "Clinton's Congress Calamity" now and you will also receive
the "Clinton Decision Maker". Now you can make all your important
decisions with the same methods used by Clinton himself. This unique
program even allows you to take one stand on an issue today and then
take the opposite stand the next day if necessary.
Remember, this is a limited time offer so act fast!
WaffleWare - We make the software for the future. Wait, no we don't!
Random Access Humor Page 10 January 1995
=====================================================================
<<(*=-- DREAM FORGE --=*)>>
MAGAZINE
<<((*=-- The electronic for your mind! --=*))>>
=====================================================================
(formerly RANDOM ACCESS HUMOR and RUNE'S RAG)
DREAM FORGE
Dream Forge, Inc.,
6400 Baltimore National Pike, # 201
Baltimore, MD 21228-3915
Modem: (410) 437-3463 (data to 28800 bps)
Publisher: Dave Bealer
Managing Editor: Rick Arnold
DREAM FORGE (tm) is a monthly emagazine for a thinking and literate
readership. What goes into DREAM FORGE? Take the zany satire and
taglines that made RANDOM ACCESS HUMOR an international sensation,
then carefully blend the insightful commentary and fiction of RUNE'S
RAG. Shake well (it annoys the staff), and you have DREAM FORGE, a
new magazine for the brave new world of cyberspace.
The January and February issues of DREAM FORGE will be free demo
issues. Starting with the March 1995 issue, DREAM FORGE will only
be available to subscribers, or those who purchase individual copies
from Official DREAM FORGE Distributors located throughout cyberspace.
DREAM FORGE Subscription Rates (all amounts are in US dollars):
INDIVIDUAL:
- via Internet e-mail, or picked up by subscriber from
the publisher's BBS) $12/yr.
- via Regular Mail on 3.5" DOS Disk: $24/yr. (US/Canada only)
(residents of other countries, inquire for rates)
To subscribe, mail your check or money order (made payable to
Dream Forge, Inc.) to: Dream Forge, Inc.
6400 Baltimore National Pike, #201
Baltimore, MD. 21228-3915
For internet subscriptions, include your email address. If you
will pick up the issues at the publisher's BBS, include your
desired User Name and password.