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%:::::::::::::::::::::::::::% 80 COLUMN CONVERSION & SPELLING
%::=======================::% CORRECTIONS BY CAPTAIN AVATAR
%::\ HOW TO SPOT A LOSER \::%
%::=======================::%
%:::::::::::::::::::::::::::%
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CONCEIVED AND WRITTEN BY:
THE INCOGNITO OF THE 202 ALLIANCE
ALL FACTS AND STITUATIONS ARE REAL (WITH LITTLE DRAMATIZATION). NO NAMES
OR SITUATIONS HAVE BE CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT, BECAUSE WE
TRUTHFULLY DONT CARE ABOUT THE INNOCENT.
THIS FILE WILL HELP YOU TO DETERMINE "HOW TO SPOT A LOSER". THERE ARE MANY
EXAMPLES WHICH SHOULD BE AMPLE FOR YOU TO PROPERLY DEFINE THE WORD LOSER.
[BBS SIMULATION]
AE: NUMBER?A
AE: AUTO-SEARCHING...
(YES, IT IS AMAZING THAT THIS LOZE HAS "AE PRO"...)
[CONNECTION ESTABLISHED]
[-HIT ANY KEY-]->
(AT THIS POINT THE KID HITS SHIFT. NOTHING HAPPENS....HE DOES IT AGAIN
...STILL NOTHING...THINKING THAT ITS HIS TERMINAL PROGRAM HE DISCONNECTS
AND PROMPTLY CALLS IT RIGHT BACK)
AE: NUMBER?A
AE: AUTO-SEARCHING...
[CONNECTION ESTABLISED]
[-HIT ANY KEY-]->
(BEING REAL CAREFUL THIS TIME, HE HITS SHIFT AGAIN...NOTHING....HE THINKS..
"OH YA, I FORGOT TO HIT RETURN!!!!")
CONNECTION CONFIRMED...
WELCOME TO: [ A BBS ]
ENTER PASSWORD OR TYPE 'NEW' FOR NONE.
-=>'NEW'
-=>
(WONDERING WHY IT DOESNT WORK, HE TRIES AND TRIES AGAIN...)
-=>'NEW'
-=>HELLO!211!! HELP ME..
(THE SYSOP INTERVENES....)
-=>HEY LOZE..WAKE UP..HERE LET ME DO IT
-=>NEW
WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME: NEW
MUST BE AT LEAST 6 CHARACTERS!
WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME: HAPPY HACKER
WHAT IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER?
(XXX-XXX-XXXX): XXX-XXX-XXXX
WHAT KIND OF COMPUTER DO YOU HAVE?
-=>VIC-20!!!!!!12211!@!
WHERE DO YOU LIVE?: USA
WHERE DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS BOARD?
-=>MY EARS
YOU ARE: HAPPY HACKER
XXX-XXX-XXXX
VIC-20!!!!!!12211!@!
USA
MY EARS
IS THIS CORRECT?: YES IT IS
JUST HIT (Y OR N)
IS THIS CORRECT?: Y OR N
JUST HIT (Y OR N)
(SYSOP AGAIN INTERVENES...)
IS THIS CORRECT?: Y
TYPE IN AN 8 CHARACTER PASSWORD
-=>I ADORE MY COMMODORE
ONLY 8 CHARACTERS PLEASE...
-=>HELLO???
YOUR PASSWORD ASSIGNMENT IS
-=>98HELLO???
HIT [CR] TO ENTER THE SYSTEM: CR
HIT [CR] TO ENTER THE SYSTEM:
(HE FINALLY LOOKS INTO HIS APPLE DICTIONARY OF COMPLEX TERMS AND
REALIZES THAT "CR" MEANS A CARRIAGE RETURN)
[END OF BBS SIMULATION]
THIS IS A TYPICAL EXAMPLE OF A LOSER. (THE SYSOP'S SIDE) AS LONG AS THERE
ARE HUMANS...THERE WILL ALWAYS BE LOSERS THUS WE MADE A FILE TO HELP
YOU BE AWARE OF A POTENTAIL LOSER.
ANOTHER TYPICAL EXAMPLE OF A LOSER ON A BOARD...
[BBS SIMULATION]
[CHAT OFF]:[BOARD #2]:[TIME 10:10]
+>COMMAND (?=HELP):GO INTO MONITOR
(NOW, REALLY...WHAT IS HE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? THEY ALSO TRY THE
OLD "99E99".. AND IF THAT DOESNT WORK THEY HIT "99F99" AND THEN "99G99" UNTIL
THEY GET THROUGH THE WHOLE ALPHABET.)
[CHAT OFF]:[BOARD #2]:[TIME 10:12]
+>COMMAND (?=HELP):POST
ILLEGAL COMMAND
(HERE THE HE WILL PAGE YOU UNTIL YOU HAVE TO ANSWER. YOU EXPLAIN TO
HIM IN GREAT DETAIL HOW ONLY TO ENTER A ONE CHARACTER COMMAND)
+>COMMAND (?=HELP):P
[POST A BULLETIN ON TRADING BOARD]
ENTER TITLE:MY NEWEST WARES AND NEWEST MEMBER!21!@!!!
TOO LONG! ONLY 25 CHARACTERS!
ENTER TITLE:MY NEW WARES AND MEMBER!
BULLETIN POST:
YOU MAY NOW ENTER YOUR MESSAGE: TYPE '/EX' ON A NEW LINE TO END OR TYPE '.S'
FOR A FAST SAVE :
(AT THE BEGINING HERE THERE IS SOME 2 MINS OF TEXT GRAPHICS AND TRICKS, THEN
THE LOSE GETS TO THE MESSAGE)
WOWOW THAT WAS NEAT! I LOVE*** THESE TRICKS! IF YOU NEED ANY HELP IN MAKE-
ING K00000000L MESSAGE LEAVE E-MAIL!
HI GUYS!
UM, ALOT OF NEW SOFTWARE IS IN...HERE IS MY LATEST!
A NEW DOS THAT I FOUND WHILE I WAS AT MY CUMPUTER STORE! I NEVER SEEN IT
AROUND ITS CALLED "DOS 3.2.1" I THINK! I EVEN CALLED AN NASCOMP MEMBER AND
ASKED IF HE HAD IT! AND HE SAID "NO DUDE!" SO YOU KNOW ITS NEW!!!
ALSO MY DADDIE HAS CONNECTIONS TO A DISK COMPANY..AND HE BROUGHT HOME ONE NIGHT
A K-K00L PROGRAM AND I STOLE IT FROM HIM WHILE HE TOOK A PISS! IT CALLED
"MAXELL"!
I JUST FINISHED MY FINE CRACK TODAY! I CRACKED PRO-DOS INTO A 60 SECTOR
FILE!!!!!!!!!! (I ADMIT I HAD HELP WITH IT THOU...)
I WANT TO WELCOME A NEW MEMVER TO THE PIRATES' ALLLLIANCE!
JOE HIMDICKEL AND IMA GEEK!
-=>HAPPY WACKER<=-
PIRATES' ALLIANCE!
(HERE IS THE PART WHERE THEY HAVE 5 MINS WORTH OF TEXT GRAPHICS AND
INSERTED BACKSPACES...)
IF YOU THINK YOUR COOL ENOUGH TO JOIN MY GROUP THEN LEAVE ME SOME
E-MAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'/EX'
I AM DONE NOW
(AT THIS POINT HE HITS RETURN ABOUT 20 LINES TILL IT ENDS...)
-=> THATS 50 LINES...
EDIT [?=HELP]:'.S'
(SYSOP AGAIN INTERVENES...)
EDIT [?=HELP]:S
SAVING.... PLEASE WAIT...
MESSAGE SAVED AND STORED!
[CHAT OFF]:[BOARD #2]:[TIME 1:20]
+>COMMAND (?=HELP):GOODBYE
ILLEGAL COMMAND
[CHAT OFF]:[BOARD #2]:[TIME 1:30]
+>COMMAND (?=HELP):BYE
(NOTICE THE TIME IT TAKES IN-BETWEEN INPUTS)
GOODBYE HAPPY HACKER. PLEASE CALL AGAIN
AE: DISCONNECTED
AE: NUMBER?(REDIALS NUMBER)
THEY'RE THE TYPE THAT CALL BACK RIGHT AWAY, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF
TIME. ALSO THEY RIGHT AWAY GO TO THE DOX SECTION AND DOWNLOAD ALL THE FILES
THE LOSE CAN. WHEN THERE ARE ABOUT 100 MESSAGES ACTIVE THEY DECIDE TO READ
MESSAGE NUMBER 1...
[END BBS SIMULATION]
SITUATION: SYSOP ANSWERS PHONE BECAUSE HE IS WORKING ON BOARD..
(RRRIIIINNNNNGGGGGG)
"HELLO.. SYSOP SPEAKING..."
(CLICK!)
(RRRIIIINNNNNGGGGGG)
"HELLO.. SYSOP SPEAKING..."
"GOSH! ISN'T YOUR BBS UP?"
(SOUNDS LIKE A 7-YEAR OLD WITH NASAL PROBLEMS!)
"NO, I AM WORKING ON IT RIGHT NOW..."
"WELL PUT IT UP FOR ME!!!!!!!!!"
"I SAID I AM WORKING ON IT!"
"SO WHAT? DO IT LATER. I WANTO GET ON YOUR BBS!"
(CLICK!...SYSOP GETS PISSED..)
(RRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG)
(RRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG)
THEN THE SAME KID CONTINUES TO CALL UNTIL THE SYSOP UNHOOKS THE PHONE..
SITUATION: AN AE LINE HAS BEEN DOWN FOR OVER A MONTH...
(RRRIIIINNNNGGGGG)
"HELLO?"
(CLICK!)
(RRRIIINNNNGGGGGG)
"HELLO?"
"ISN'T YOUR AE LINE UP?"
"NO! IT'S BEEN DOWN FOR OVER A MONTH AND IS GONNA STAY THAT WAY! DON'T
CALL BACK!"
(CLICK! SYSOP HANGS UP)
....TIME PASSES.....
2 MINUTES LATER
(RRRIIIINNNNGGGGGG)
"HELLO!!?"
"ARE YOU GONNA PUT THE AE LINE BACK UP?"
"LISTEN ASSHOLE! I SAID IT WAS DOWN AND IS GONNA *STAY DOWN*..."
"WELL COULD YOU JUST PUT IT UP FOR ME? I WANTO GET SOME NEW WARES. MY NEWEST
IS MS. PAC-MAN...YA WANT IT?"
"FUCK YOU!" (CLICK!)
THIS IS A TRANSCRIPT OF A TELEPHONE CONVERSATION THAT APPLE AVENGER OF MPG
HAD IN THE MORNING AT ABOUT 1 AM.
[RING!]
AA - HELLO, GRAPEVINE.
ASSHOLE - YA, WHAT IS THE GRAPEVINE?
AA - ITS A BBS
ASSHOLE - WHAT IS A BBS?
AA - BBS STANDS FOR A BULLETIN BOARD SERVICE
ASSHOLE - WHAT IS A BULLETIN BOARD?
AA - A BOARD IS SOMETHING WHERE PEOPLE WITH OTHER COMPUTERS CAN COMMUNICATE
WITH EACH OTHER VIA THE TELEPHONE LINES AND MODEMS
ASSHOLE - WHATS A MODEM?
AA - A MODEM IS SOMETHING A COMPUTER USES TO COMMUNICATE OVER THE PHONE
LINES WITH OTHER COMPUTERS
ASSHOLE - OH, CAN I GET ONE FOR MY TI/99?
AA - I DONT KNOW...
ASSHOLE - COULD I SET UP A BOARD ON MY TI/99?!
AA - NO, IT ISNT WORTH IT..
ASSHOLE - WHATS YOUR REAL NAME
AA - AH... FRED.
ASSHOLE - HI, I AM JASON.. WHAT DO YOU DO ON YOUR BBS?
AA - IT DEPENDS ON YOUR INTEREST..
ASSHOLE - WELL, I LIKE TO TALK BREAKING INTO COMPUTERS LIKE THE ONE AT SCHOOL!
AA - OH REALLY? LIKE WHAT KIND DO THEY HAVE AT YOUR SCHOOL?
ASSHOLE - APPLES..
AA - THEN HOW DO YOU BREAK INTO IT?
ASSHOLE - WELL, I GUESS I MEANT COPYING THINGS..
AA - YOU HAVE APPLE WARES?
ASSHOLE - YA, I JUST GOT SABOTAGE THE OTHER DAY!
[CLICK!]
1 MINUTE LATER...
[RING!]
AA - HELLO, GRAPEVINE.
ASSHOLE - HI, THIS IS JASON, WE GOT CUT OFF BEFORE ..
AA - NO, I HUNG UP ON YOU.
ASSHOLE - WHY?
AA - WHY NOT.. HEY LISTEN, I'M TRYING TO CALL OUT SO CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE
SO I CAN..
ASSHOLE - OK, BYE.
[CLICK!]
2 MINUTES LATER, BOOTING AE PRO (AGAIN) TRYING TO DAIL, PICK UP THE PHONE...
AA - HELLO, GRAPEVINE.
ASSHOLE - HI, I FORGOT TO ASK YOU WHAT YOU HAVE FOR GAMES?
AT THIS POINT I JUST DID A 1200 BAUD AUTO-SEARCH ON THE KID AND HUNG UP.
THEN I JUST SET UP THE SYSTEM.. MAN WHAT A ASSHOLE..
HERE IS AN ACTUAL "CONTRACT" TO ENTER THE PIRATES' ALLIANCE AND OTHER LESS
GROUPS... (SOMEWHAT FICTIONAL, BUT TO PROVE A POINT)
______________________________________
\ \
\ MR. CONTRACT \
\ -=-==--=--=-- \
\ \
\ \
\ WHAT IS YOU ALIAS??:_______________\
\ \
\ WHAT IS YOUR MOTHERS NMAE??:_______\
\ \
\(THIS IS FOR IN CASE OF AN EMERGCY!)\
\ \
\ DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER?? CIRCLE ONE\
\ \
\ YES NO ONE \
\ \
..(NOTE: THAT CIRCLE ONE STATEMENT IS AN INTELLIGENCE "HIDDEN" QUIZ THAT
IS USED TO DETERMINE THE IQ OF THE PROSPECT.)...
\
\ SIGN HERE (PLEASE PRINT)-> \
\ \
\ PLEASE SEND IN YOUR $10 PER YEAR \
\ DONATION AND I WILL GET BACK TO YA!\
\ \
\____________________________________\
WEBSTER DICTIONARY:
__
LOS-ER (LOO'ZER) N. 1. ONE WHO BOTHERS, AND/OR TRIES TO ACT LIKE "REAL PIRATES"
( PLEASE REFER TO "THE REAL PIRATES GUIDE" ) 2. DOESN'T KNOW THE MEANING TO
"SOCIAL LIFE" & THUS HAS NONE. 3. CONSISTENT PEST, ANTAGONIST, ASSHOLE AND
GREAT AMOUNTS OF RUGGIENESS. 4. HAS A PHYSICAL STENCH (ODOR) THAT CONSTANTLY
SURROUNDS THEM. FEELINGS OF NAUSEA WHEN WITH OR COMMUNICATING WITH THEM.
HOMICIDAL TENDICIES USUALLY SET IN.
[CALLING AN AE SIMULATION]
MICROMODEM II: DIALING:(AE NUMBER)
MICROMODEM II: AWAITING CARRIER
MICROMODEM II: CONNECTED
AFTER FUTILE ATTEMPTS HE FINALLY FIGURES OUT HE NEEDS TO USE AE PRO TERM.....
AE: NUMBER?:(AE NUMBER)
AE: AUTO-SEARCHING
ENTRY:
...7 MINUTES LATER...
ENTRY:
...4 MINUTES LATER...
ENTRY:
(SYSOP, INTERVENES AND HITS A CR)
(>?
(AFTER LOOKING AT THE MENU AND TRYING TO MEMORIZE IT...HE CONTINUES..)
(>DIRECTORY
DISK VOLUME 254