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Copyright (C) 1993 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved. No part of
this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written
permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations
embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text
of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing
same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used
or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only.
'BLACKADDERLON 59' is an unauthorized parody of the 'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE
NINE', 'BABYLON 5' and 'BLACKADDER' television series. None of the
individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise
based upon these series, nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59', has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or
authorized it. Any references made to real persons or companies in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should
not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality.
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B L A C K A D D E R L O N 5 9
-------------------------------
AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY by Tom Golden
Story #1
'EMISSIONARY'
by Tom Golden
O U R H Y P O T H E T I C A L C A S T
UNPLUG PERSONNEL
Admiral-General Lord Flasheart, Stud
(cameo) ............................. RIK MAYALL (Young Ones/Bl'adder)
Cmdr. Francis Flasheart, Wimp ........ GRANT SHAUD (Murphy Brown)
Maj. Adi Tuud, Pejorative ............ SUZIE PLAKSON (Love & War)
Lt. Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder, Earther . ROWAN ATKINSON (Blackadder)
Dr. George Cremator, Earther ......... HUGH LAURIE (Blackadder)
Chief Milo Nobrain, Earther .......... TIM ALLEN (Home Improvement)
Lt. Justa Duk, Drill
- Duk, the Hand Puppet Symbiont ... VO 'Barney the Dinosaur'
- Justa, the Humanoid Host ........ CHRISTINA APPLEGATE (MWC)
Deputy Garibaldric, Unknown .......... TONY ROBINSON (Blackadder)
AMBASSADORS
G'Whiz, Yarn Ambassador .............. STEPHEN FRY (Blackadder)
Deluxx, Cardigan Ambassador .......... MIRANDA RICHARDSON (Blackadder)
Light Mauve, Orlon Ambassador ........ (Appears via SFX)
PEJORATIVE RELIGIOUS PERSONS
Guy Pacman (cameo) ....................JON LOVITZ (SNL)
Donee (cameo) .........................DONNY OSMOND (Remember?)
Guy Edna ..............................DAME EDNA EVEREDGE (Experience)
GUIDE TO PRONUNCIATION
Adi Tuud ..................... AD-uh TOOD
Deluxx ....................... just like 'deluxe'
Pejor ........................ puh-JORE
G'Whiz ....................... gee-WHIZ
Deluxx ....................... de-LUX
Guy .......................... rhymes with 'eye'
Oznabrag ..................... OZ-nuh-brag
Pyoochh ...................... p-YOU-khh (khh like in chutzpah)
Aah'ghahd .................... (Author's attempt to construct
a homophone to R. Atkinson's
unique manner of mumbling 'Oh
gawd' in a deadpan, yet higher-
pitched tone of voice to denote
exasperation due to incredulity
or a sudden realization)
-----------------------------------------------------
COLD OPENING
SPACE -- PEJORATIVE SOLAR SYSTEM
We are floating in space. A bright red star shines in the distance.
(For background music, use the first 8 notes of Blackadder, arranged
in the manner of 'Star Trek' intro)
An audibly elderly Garibaldric narrates.
VO:GARIBALDRIC Space. The biggest, darkest, coldest, biggest place there
is. Really.
An empty, discarded tin can moves quickly into view from our left,
appearing to bounce off the camera lens and knocking our POV toward
our right. We follow the can as it moves away to our right and toward...
SPACE -- EXT. EXPENSIVE SPACE STATION
A majestic, sparkling, really expensive-looking space station.
VO:GARIBALDRIC This is the story of AVALON 59, the third, er,
fourth to the last, er, well, it was right up there
near the end of the AVALON series of SpaceBases
constructed by the Earth-based federation known
as the United Planets, Universal and Galactic --
"UNPLUG".
AVALON 59 was placed in orbit around the neutral
planet Pejor. Pejor was neutral, because the
Pejoratives were so obnoxious that no government
wanted to have anything to do with them. So, this
was the perfect place for a SpaceBase with the mission
of fostering better relations among the major powers.
As the name implies, there were 58 AVALON Space-
Bases before this one -- they met unfortunate
or suspicious ends...
SPACE -- EXT. SPACE STATION EXPLODING
VO:GARIBALDRIC Nineteen were sabotaged by various factions and blew up.
SPACE -- EXT. PARTIALLY BUILT SPACE STATION
A partially completed skeleton of another space station. A large
billboard keeping station nearby, reads:
COMING SOON
A NEW SPACE BASE AND SHOPPING CENTER
FROM EMETIB INDUSTRIES
FINANCING BY BCCI
VO:GARIBALDRIC Fourteen were only partially built and had to be scrapped
due to contractor overbilling or government cutbacks.
They were abandoned and stripped clean by galactic
hoodlums;
INT. SPACECRUISER LOUNGE
A large, plush room. An alien conducts an auction sale of the
lovely space station visible outside the panoramic, floor-to-ceiling
viewport at the rear of the lounge.
VO:GARIBALDRIC Eleven were reposessed and sold to speculators by the
Galactic Resolution Trust Bureaucracy;
SPACE -- EXT. IN ORBIT AROUND EARTH
Earth orbit, literally filled with thousands of satellites, cans,
wrenches, nuts, bolts and several space stations.
VO:GARIBALDRIC The first nine were built and left in Earth orbit because
nobody could figure out how to get them to Pejor; the
third fell out of orbit and rained destruction on Disney
World, but curiously left the nearby MGM theme park
unscathed.
SPACE -- EMPTY SPACE
VO:GARIBALDRIC Four simply disappeared, although one of them was later
seen in another quadrant, run completely by Elvis clones.
But that's just a rumor.
SPACE -- EXT. SPACE STATION EXPLODING
VO:GARIBALDRIC AVALON 42 was destroyed in a collision with an ark
carrying people calling themselves Golgafrinchams, in
an incident whose improbability was later described as
infinite.
SPACE -- EXT. EXPENSIVE SPACE STATION
VO:GARIBALDRIC AVALON 59. Light-years of great parking, deck after
deck of really cool shopping and loads of messy
intrigue.
SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF BLACKADDER
VO:GARIBALDRIC Oh yeah, I can't tell you about AVALON 59 without
mentioning Edmund Blackadder, its security chief.
SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF GEORGE
VO:GARIBALDRIC And Dr. George Cremator'd get cross if I left him out.
He was the base doctor. Y'know, he won Kevorkian Prize
three years running.
SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF TUUD
VO:GARIBALDRIC Now, who was she...Oh yeah, Major Adi Tuud.
She was the Pejorative first officer. They assigned
her to AVALON because none of the other Pejoratives
could stand her -- and that's saying something.
SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF AMBASSADORS G'WHIZ, DELUXX AND LIGHT MAUVE
VO:GARIBALDRIC The ambassadors from the major alien governments--
G'Whiz of the Yarn Republic, Deluxx of the Cardigan
Empire, and Light Mauve of the Orlon Collection...
SPACE -- EXT. EXPENSIVE SPACE STATION
Our POV, which has been moving around the space station, freezes.
VO:GARIBALDRIC ...and the Professor and Mary Ann. Oh yeah, and me,
Garibaldric. I'm a shapeshifter; been one all my
life. When I'm not being shifty, my natural form
is a kind of gelatin. I've been told I taste like
lime with a just a hint of lamb; good thing they
go together. My first memory is when someone on
AVALON rescued me -- they found me drifting...er,
dripping through the airlock.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT I
The camera pulls back to reveal that we have been looking at a
picture of a spacestation hanging on the wall of...
INT. BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- MORNING
A functional, though unappealing office with stacks of computer disks
and printouts lying around. The caption beneath the picture of the
expensive space station reads:
AVALON 59
ORIGINAL DESIGN
(BEFORE THE 'BUY EARTHIAN' OVERCHARGING SCANDAL)
Next to it is a photo of the real AVALON 59, looking a lot like a very large
Thermos bottle in orbit and rotating along its central core.
Blackadder sullenly reads security reports. Without looking to be sure,
he grabs a convenient cup of coffee and takes a sip.
BLACKADDER Bleeeach!
Blackadder spits the coffee out into an adjacent trashcan, then throws
the whole cup in. He swivels back to his desk. While he continues to
read, the contents of the receptacle congeal and coalesce into the form
of Garibaldric, Blackadder's shapeshifting assistant.
BLACKADDER Ah, Garibaldric. You certainly left a bad taste in
my mouth, but then again, you always do.
GARIBALDRIC Morning, Constable B! Sorry, I guess I fell asleep.
BLACKADDER Garibaldric, how many times must I tell you? First,
I am _NOT_ a _Constable_; second, you're not allowed
to sleep on the job, not even in my coffee cup; and
third --
Blackadder picks up the coffee cup.
GARIBALDRIC Third?
BLACKADDER Third...
Blackadder pauses for dramatic effect, then smashes the coffee cup over
Garibaldric's head. Garibaldric drops to the floor.
BLACKADDER (Sigh) I've forgotten. I'm sure it'll come back to me.
Blackadder pauses, noting that Garibaldric has not reverted to his natural
gelatinous form despite being unconscious. He decides to amuse himself
by hurling some rhetorical abuse at Garibaldric's still form.
BLACKADDER Oh, Garibaldric, by the way, while you're unconscious,
don't revert back to your natural form, there's a good
chap? You might give me the impression that you can do it
at will, and then you'd be useful, and where would we
be then? Not in this rathole, that's for certain.
On the wall adjacent to Blackadder's desk, a viewscreen (two-way audio-
visual communication device resembling a flat-panel 27 inch video
display) flashes a visual cue indicating that someone is calling.
As the cue flashes, the viewscreen also rings like a vintage telephone.
Blackadder pushes a button to answer the call. Tuud's face
appears onscreen. She is calling from the commander's office.
BLACKADDER Yes, Major?
During the course of the call, Garibaldric gradually manages to pick
himself up off the floor and dust himself off.
TUUD Constable, I just got word that UNPLUG has finally gotten
around to assigning us a new base commander, and he'll
be arriving in a couple of hours. Of course, UNPLUG didn't
bother to tell us -- I found out through unofficial
channels.
BLACKADDER Ambassador G'Whiz ate too many cubes of hallucinogenic
head cheese again, got drunk and insisted on shouting
your ear off?
TUUD Exactly.
BLACKADDER How many cubes of H. H. C. did it take this time?
TUUD Seven.
BLACKADDER That means we're nearly out. I'll make a note to
extort -- er, obtain a fresh supply.
TUUD Blackadder, are we ready? Is the base secure?
BLACKADDER Yes, none of the vacuum toilets are connected directly to
the outside, if that's what you mean. My people are
also keeping a watchful eye on the only known homicidal
sociopath currently on base.
TUUD (Surprised) Who is it?
BLACKADDER You, of course.
TUUD Look, mafioso dearest, you better check everything out
really well, because if another commander gets sucked
out into space the first time he flushes --
Tuud is distracted by some off-viewscreen technicians cleaning out
the office.
TUUD Wait -- what are you doing? Stop that! You're --
You're not throwing it all away! You are _not_throwing_
_it_all_away_! Put it down! NOW!
They apparently put the trash down and leave.
TUUD (Sigh) They want me to move my things out of here because
the Commander's arriving. Anyway, if you play another
of your little practical jokes and have me courtmartialed
for vacuum toilet sabotage again, I am personally going
to come after you and do to you what Pejorative females
have been doing to useless males like you for generations!
Tuud hangs up on Blackadder.
BLACKADDER (Raises an eyebrow) Withhold sex? I didn't know you
cared!
GARIBALDRIC Sir, they've gone and done it again! They've passed you
over! What are we going to do?
BLACKADDER Well, for one, we won't allow our macho Chief of Operations,
Milo 'Oh, what a big spanner I have' Nobrain, to fix any
plumbing problems in the Commander's quarters this time.
It's bad enough that I had to cover up for him and distract
the Major with that courtmartial. The Chief may be cracked...
like... a large cracked thing with little cracks along its
edges, but he can be controlled. It could be much worse.
GARIBALDRIC I could be Chief Engineer.
BLACKADDER Precisely. That would be much worse. No, Garibaldric,
it appears that, once again, the gods have turned their
backs on me, pulled down their elegant silken robes,
and exposed the divine boils on their Olympic backsides.
The senile gerontocracy at UNPLUG Central _still_
consider me a risk.
GARIBALDRIC Because you're dishonest, corrupt and would sell your
own grandmother for a cuppa H. H. C.?
BLACKADDER No, not that. They all do that, otherwise they wouldn't
be UNPLUG Central. No, it's that damned twenty-four hour
period I spent on Pejor -- that I can't remember.
GARIBALDRIC But how could you remember it if you said you couldn't
remember?
BLACKADDER No, I remembered that I can't remember the specifics.
It's like when you try to follow written instructions.
(Sigh) Aah'ghahd, It's not as if I want to be ruler
of the galaxy and sole husbandoid to some beautiful
five-breasted alien nymphomaniac Queen Asphyxia or
anything -- although, mind you, I wouldn't turn that
down. If I _am_ doomed to spend the rest of my career
on this sad little space base in the middle of nowhere,
orbiting the planet of the enormous bile repositories,
I will do so as its commander. Then, I can send _other_
people out to be killed or maimed while I dine on
commander's quarters room service -- like Pejorative
roseanne-trout caviar with Cardigan oznabrag dip.
And, free use of the commander's VR chair anytime
I want. That's all I want. It's not so much to ask.
GARIBALDRIC I have a _cunning_plan_!
BLACKADDER Let me guess. Does it involve sleeping with Admiral-
General Lord Flasheart?
GARIBALDRIC That's amazing! You read my mind!
BLACKADDER It's not difficult; your mind could pass for the top half
of any of those eye charts down in sickbay. (Pauses)
And it'd be easier to read -- the eye charts have more
letters. Well, I'm out of ideas; I've tried everything.
I have fewer ideas than a video network executive
after a lobotomy -- and neutering. Except --
GARIBALDRIC Except?
BLACKADDER I've got it! I'll get the promotion the _old_fashioned_
way!
GARIBALDRIC You're going to sleep with the Admiral-General?
BLACKADDER No, I'll _earn_ it! Instead of fleecing rich, dim
tourists with made-up customs duties, padding my
expense account and acting as the main source of
H. H. C. on the base, I'll do it strictly by the
numbers! I'll... I'll round up all the corrupt
shopkeepers and even clamp down on the casino.
GARIBALDRIC But you can't do that, sir! No one will be left to pay
you protection money.
BLACKADDER Garibaldric, sometimes one must be bloody evil to
those who don't count to be seen as doing good by
those who do. Yes, I'll be a paragon of justice
and virtue! I'll stand out like a good thumb on
this hairy, unwashed fist... then they'll be
_forced_ to make me commander.
Blackadder pauses and screws up his face at the thought of being a good
guy, even for the darkest of reasons.
BLACKADDER Naaaaaah!
George enters.
GEORGE I haven't even asked you to open your mouth and
already you're saying 'Ahhhhh!' Good morning,
Constable! Good morning, Garibaldric!
GARIBALDRIC G'morning, Dr. George!
BLACKADDER George, don't call me _constable_!
GEORGE But it's such a really _roaring_ title. _Lieutenant_
_Commander_ is so long and boring. Boooo-ring! It's
just the _Dull_ Asteroid Belt, circling the star
Yawn-o-rama.
BLACKADDER Look, I don't call you _Doctor_, so you don't call me
_Constable_. All right?
GEORGE Well, there's one difference.
BLACKADDER And that is?
GEORGE You don't call me Doctor because you don't believe that
I am one.
BLACKADDER George, of course I believe you're a doctor. Why wouldn't
I believe someone with a medical degree written in crayon
from the 'Tristan Farnon Memorial Veterinary Teaching
Hospital'?
GEORGE That's _exactly_ the question I keep asking. You'd be
surprised how many people around here feel exactly
as you do. Anyway, I'm going to the airlock lounge
to greet our new commander. Aren't you coming?
BLACKADDER No, George, I'm washing my hair.
GEORGE Really? It doesn't look like you need -- (Catches on)
Oh, I get it, it doesn't interest you.
BLACKADDER (Mocking George) It launches me into orbit around the
star Yawn-o-rama. When he wants to see me, he can
bloody well come here.
GEORGE I don't understand you sometimes, Constable. I would
think that something like this would be just the hot
core of the Excitement Nebula for everyone. It's not
every day we get a new commander!
BLACKADDER More like every _other_ day!
GEORGE Ah, I see. The psychologist in me sees that you're
venting your bitterness at being passed over. Oh
well, Edmund, cheer up! They'll never give you
the job -- that's just the way the orbit decays.
Learn to live with it, that's my expert opinion!
Garibaldric, you coming?
GARIBALDRIC Wouldn't miss it for the world!
George and Garibaldric leave.
BLACKADDER George, you're somewhere in the Stupid Quadrant, on a
collision course with the Head-Up-Your Black Hole.
Computer, is the personnel file on our new base commander
available yet?
VO:COMPUTER Yes.
BLACKADDER Computer, give me the personnel file on our new commander.
VO:COMPUTER You do not have authorization to view that file.
BLACKADDER But I'm the _Chief_of_Security_, you no good network
of -- (Stops himself upon realizing he's arguing with
a computer) Computer, authorization name Bryan Ferry,
code zero-one-two-three-four, user routine 'SCREW U'.
VO:COMPUTER Access denied. Divide by zero error. Server failure.
Pipe cleaner helium chicken soup. Bypassing. Continuing.
Reattempting to ferret your walrus. Continuing.
BLACKADDER I do so love sticking it to dim computers!
VO:COMPUTER Francis Flasheart, Commander, SpaceBase AVALON 59.
The viewscreen displays a picture of Fran Flasheart. He looks like
a deer who has just seen four massive and bright Halogen headlamps
speeding in his direction at forty miles per second. Blackadder
grimaces.
BLACKADDER Flasheart? Fran...Flasheart? Aah'ghahd, it had to
happen. Our beloved Admiral-General finally ran out
of cronies to pay off, so he's starting on his family.
Computer, service record?
VO:COMPUTER Graduated, Neurotic Boarding School, upstate New York,
Earth. Graduated, Point UNPLUG Academy. Served 3 years,
SpaceFreighter USS Ethel Merman. Served 2 years,
SpaceCruiser USS Paul Tsongas. Battlefield promotion to
Captain, USS Tsongas when all officers abandoned ship,
served until its destruction ten minutes later by the
Borgnine. Captured by Borgnine, immediately returned as
unassimilatable and a drag on their collective
consciousness. Served 3 years in cushy desk job.
Younger brother of Supreme Admiral-General Lord Flasheart.
On the viewscreen, a blinking caption at the bottom appears:
YOUNGER BROTHER OF LORD FLASHEART
ADVISORY: MAJOR STRINGS WERE PULLED
BLACKADDER That's all I need -- to wet-nurse old Flush-arse's little
brother.
VO:COMPUTER A personal message from Admiral-General Lord Flasheart
has just arrived. Shall I display it?
BLACKADDER Computer, yes.
Admiral-General Lord Flasheart's image appears on the viewscreen.
LORD FLASH Well, hello, Slackbladder! I wanted to be the FIRST
to tell you; I pulled some MAJOR strings to get little
brother on BOARD as your C. O.! There were some FOLKS
who suggested, get this, that YOU should be KICKED
upSTAIRS, but, you know about that old amNESIA thing, and
besides, we both know that only a FLASHEART has the
eQUIPment for that quadrant of SPACE! WOOF!
OK, I know what you're saying. You're disappointed --
You're getting Fran and not me. Only _I_ can be ME, and
the women of the UNIVERSE wouldn't HAVE it any other WAY!
Hey, there are people who DRILL all the way through their
PLANETS just so they can get a THRILL when I fly my personal
SPACECRUISER through the HOLE! WOOF WOOF! But,
he IS a FLASHEART, so he has what it (thrusts pelvis)
TAKES -- and I'm sure that you're just the man to see
to it that the REST of him gets JUST as big to match.
WOOF! WOOF!
Oh, BY the way, your former fiancee, you remember,
Bobbie, says 'Hello!' -- well, actually, most of the
time she's with me, she's HOWLING so LOUDly she doesn't
even reMEMBER what day it is or her own NAME, much
less her dull old SLACKbladder, but I thought I'd
show proper FORM. Well, gotta go -- take care and
don't MESS up, or I'll have to COME over and personally
KILL you!
The viewscreen goes blank. Blackadder, worn from years of this type
of swashbuckling bombast from his old Academy buddy, Lord Flash, bears
no animosity -- only contempt.
BLACKADDER Git!
The Cardigan ambassador, Deluxx, sashays into the office and right
up to Blackadder. Deluxx is beautiful, with pale blue-white skin,
and her blue-white hair pulled up in an alien-style bun in back.
She looks like a live, life-size porcelain doll.
DELUXX Hello, Edmund. Aren't you going to greet the new
commander?
BLACKADDER Well, Ambassador Deluxx, what a totally expected surprise.
DELUXX Ambassador? How formal you are today, Edmund. You
seem so detached -- not like the man with whom I spent
Friday night all covered in home-made Cardigan oznabrag
dip and warm cranberry sauce.
BLACKADDER Not distant, nor unwilling; just exhausted -- and full.
You know, a woman with your talent is wasted as a mere
diplomat. You should resign and get a job in, say, the
erotic cinema on Earth.
DELUXX Would you be mine forever if I did?
BLACKADDER Deluxx, I'm yours for as long as you have a tongue and
the skill to use it.
DELUXX You really know how to flatter a diplomat, don't you.
BLACKADDER (Pause) Oh, I see. Ummm, I suppose you could take it
that way, too.
DELUXX Oooh, you naughty boy... But you never answered my first
question. Aren't you going to greet the new commander?
BLACKADDER No, I thought I'd stand here and get in a few more reps
of Kegel exercises.
Delux sashays forward toward Edmund.
DELUXX Mmmmm, how would you like a freshly washed, hot Cardigan
to wrap around you when you're done?
BLACKADDER (Trying to look cold and uncaring, yet really,
really turned on) Ummm, okay.
Blackadder and Deluxx embrace in a manner reminiscent of two earthworms
mating.
INT. AVALON CONTROL
A large, rather empty room with a viewscreen covering the majority
of one wall. As one might expect with the low-budget nightmare
that is called AVALON 59, lighted ads for Sony and Safeway flank
the viewscreen.
Control is essentially a crude reproduction of Houston Mission
Control, with several long fold-up tables on which reside 20-30
futuristic, yet familiar PC's/workstations with mouse devices.
Of course, the mouse pads are made of some amazingly futuristic
material, with the 'MOUSEPADCORP/Formerly IBM' logo imprinted in
bold, bright letters. The chairs are cheap, and used, and, like
everything else, crudely bolted to the floor, wheels (if any)
intact. Velcro strips connected to each arm of the chairs function
as safety belts. Breathtakingly large amounts of an infinite
variety of cabling hangs from the backs of each of the work-
stations; some cabling connects workstations to each other, the
rest connect workstations to small holes in random places in the
floor. Obviously frayed cable ends and repair tags stick out from
many holes in the floor and backs of workstations. A doorway on
the wall opposite the viewscreen leads to the Commander's office.
Some technicians are seated at their workstations; Nobrain is playing
a video game on his workstation while Tuud arranges her belongings
at her former and once-again-current station. Frustrated at her
station's computer, she slaps it.
TUUD Damn! I can't get _anything_ to work right!
I wish I didn't have to give back the office --
I _hate_ my old desk!
Tuud tears the mouse off the workstation and throws it at
Nobrain's head. Her aim is accurate.
TUUD Chief, when are you going to fix my station?
NOBRAIN Lemme look. (Pause) It looks like you're missing
a mouse.
TUUD You moron, I just brained you with it!
NOBRAIN Oh, I see. Lemme take a look. (Looks at the mouse)
Hmmm, it looks like the problem is that it's not
connected to your workstation.
Tuud gets up, walks briskly over to Nobrain, grabs the mouse, wraps
the dangling cord around his neck, picks him up halfway off the chair
and starts to strangle him.
TUUD I want to impress just one thought upon you before you
turn blue, lose consciousness and asphyxiate. I want
my station fixed. NOW!
Tuud lets go of the cord, allowing Nobrain to fall back into the chair.
Nobrain turns the other way and starts to talk quietly to no one in
particular.
NOBRAIN Geez, use a joke, get a choke.
The technician at the Communications station responds to information
on her screen.
TECHNICIAN Major, the USS Harlan Ellison is hailing us.
TUUD Answer and put them on the viewscreen.
FLASHEART This is C-c-commander Fran Flasheart aboard the USS
Ellison. We're about fifteen minutes away, and I
was wondering if your sickbay is fully staffed.
TUUD The doctor who runs it should be institutionalized, but
the sickbay itself is in tip-top shape, sir.
FLASHEART Good. I wanted to know because... I'm getting this
throbbing pain in my chest, extending down into my
abdomen, and, when I do this --
Tuud interrupts him as he gesticulates wildly.
TUUD Sir, I'll alert Dr. Cremator, who is currently at the
airlock waiting to greet you. AVALON out.
FLASHEART Cremator? As in, 'to cremate'? --
Tuud motions to the comm tech to close the channel.
TUUD What a spocking no-spocks hypochondriac.
Tuud raises her voice to get everyone's attention.
TUUD OK, folks, I'm on my way to the airlock to greet our
new UNPLUG Commander. Try not to spock anything
up while I'm gone. And, Chief -- fix my station!
Tuud exits. Nobrain walks over to Tuud's workstation and checks
it out.
NOBRAIN Looks like I'm gonna need the L-aaa-ser Ch-aa-ains-aaa-w.
R! R! R! R! R! ...
Nobrain exits, gleeful in his anticipation of retrieving a really nasty
tool from his workshop.
INT. AVALON AIRLOCK WAITING LOUNGE -- A FEW MINUTES LATER
George, Garibaldric, G'Whiz and several other folks await the arrival
of the 'Ellison' and Cmdr. Flasheart.
G'Whiz is a tall, but otherwise typical example of the Yarn --
he resembles an upright, bipedal alligator with a Rastafarian
hairdo and military uniform, who shouts a lot.
Tuud arrives from Control.
G'WHIZ PeptoBISmol, Major Tuud!
TUUD Ambassador. George...and (to Garibaldric) Cousin It.
G'WHIZ So, you've HEARD from your new comMANder. Is he
exactly what I never ofFICially TOLD you he was?
TUUD Yes.
G'WHIZ UnFORtunate. You know, I find most Earthers to be a
bit FLESHy for my taste. Too easily injured, both
PHYSically and eMOTionally. Not like we Yarn --
nor you, of course.
TUUD (Nonplussed by the left-handed compliment) Gee, thanks,
Ambassador.
GEORGE So, Major, you've actually talked to him? What's he like?
TUUD (Dripping with sarcasm) You should get along _famously_
with him, George. He was asking for you.
GEORGE Really? Well, move me closer to my personal sun,
remove my ozone layer and call me Sol 3! How
marvelous!
Deluxx and Blackadder arrive, breathless. That they dressed
in an extreme hurry is obvious.
G'WHIZ Ahh, Ambassador DeLUXX. PeptoBISmol!
DELUXX Rolaids to you, Ambassador.
G'WHIZ And, CONstable Blackadder. PeptoBISmol!
BLACKADDER Quite. (Aside to Deluxx) I'll never get over how
obsessed the Yarn are with their digestive complaints.
DELUXX (Aside to Blackadder) Now, now. Tolerance, Edmund.
BLACKADDER You sound like my mother.
DELUXX I do? Oooh, we haven't _tried_ that one yet.
Tuud walks goes over to Blackadder and pulls him aside.
TUUD Pardon me, Ambassadors. (To Blackadder) I had an
opportunity to talk briefly with our new commander
a few minutes ago.
BLACKADDER Let me guess -- a complete and total wally, even by
our, shall we say, from your perspective, limited Earth
standards?
TUUD Bongo. A spocking wimp. What's wrong with your people?
I've seen your actors John Wayne, Arnold Schwarzen-
egger, and Penn and Teller. Isn't there anyone in
UNPLUG with any spocks?
BLACKADDER Well, one doesn't like to brag, but --
TUUD Oh yeah, you, right.
Tuud laughs and walks back over to the others while George walks over
to Blackadder.
BLACKADDER You know, you didn't have to enjoy that quite so much.
GEORGE I've heard that we're getting a new Science Officer, too.
BLACKADDER Oh really? Knowing our masters, he'll probably be some
old coot who makes his own alcohol -- that's what
passes for science around here.
VO:COMPUTER Attention. The USS Ellison has docked. Please stand
well clear of the airlock. While the Ellison is in
dock, there will be no plagarism of old 'Outer Limits'
episodes permitted on this station, by order of UNPLUG
Legal Division. This includes unintentional plagarism.
Message ends.
Tuud, Blackadder, George and Garibaldric queue up into an inspection/
receiving line. The ambassadors stand off to the other side. A moment
passes, then the airlock opens. First out is Lt. Justa Duk, the new
Science officer. She looks quite normal, except for the elaborate
Barney the Dinosaur hand puppet she wears over her left hand. She works
her way down the line -- both she (Justa) and the puppet (Duk) salute,
but Duk does all the talking.
DUK Hiiiii, it's just Stu-u-u-u-pendous to meet you!
TUUD (Aside to Blackadder) This is what happens when
ventriloquists are allowed to evolve.
Moving down the line, Duk exchanges greetings with George. George is
totally in love at first sight, although he doesn't quite know what to
make of the hand-puppet symbiont.
DUK Iiii'm the new Sciiience Officer, Lieutenant Justa Duk.
GEORGE Pardon me, but I'm not familiar with your species.
DUK I'm a Drill. We're a joined species. I'm the
symbiont, and she's the host!
GEORGE A Drill? How enchanting! I'm Dr. George Cremator,
Chief of Medicine, and I want to be your sledgehammer.
BLACKADDER George!
GEORGE Oh, sorry, didn't mean to be rude. It's just that I've
never --
BLACKADDER She knows you've never, I know you've never, we all know
that you've never.
GEORGE Perhaps once you're settled, you'd like to have dinner?
Or, maybe an intense and gratuitously intrusive physical
examination? I'm _really_ good at that!
DUK That'd be Stu-u-u-u-pendous!
Host turns to hand-puppet-symbiont and the two begin a heated yet
whispered exchange.
DUK On second thought, why don't we just _pretend_ to have
dinner sometime! I think that'd be _great_!
BLACKADDER That's just grand. We get Sybil the Science Officer.
Duk greets the ambassadors, then exits. A moment passes, then an
attendant rolls Flasheart out of the airlock in a wheelchair.
FLASHEART (Wheeze) At ease, people. I'm (wheeze) just having a
little anxiety attack. Who's Doctor Crematorium?
GEORGE Uh, I am, sir. Cremator, sir.
FLASHEART Whatever, great. (Wheeze) Take me to your sickbay.
(Wheeze) What kind of drugs do you have?
GEORGE Oh, we have simply _every_ kind, sir!
FLASHEART Good, (Wheeze) 'cause I'm going to need 'em. Move out,
Doctor.
GEORGE Aye, aye, sir.
George wheels Flasheart to sickbay.
G'WHIZ So, THAT'S the new comMANder? Seems too SMALL. If
I caught something like HIM, I'd throw him BACK!
Blackadder is distracted by a guy with a computerized glass hand running
past from the airlock and followed closely by two law officers with pale
faces and very, very dark circles around their eyes, also from the
_Ellison_.
{In case you're scratching your head, that was an obscure Outer Limits/
Harlan Ellison visual pun}
EXT. AVALON 59 -- MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, STATION TIME
We observe a space-suited stranger attaching a couple of nasty looking
packages to the station. Having finished his task, the stranger floats
off screen. A few seconds later, small rocket nozzles bloom from one
side of each package.
INT. BLACKADDER'S QUARTERS
Close up on Blackadder, sleeping in his bunk.
SFX: MUFFLED EXPLOSION
Followed by the sound of lots of miscellaneous items falling on the
floor. Blackadder awakens to find himself lying face down.
BLACKADDER What the devil --
Blackadder then realizes that he is in fact lying on the inside wall of his
bunk. Pull back to reveal that the wall of his cabin is now the floor.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT II
INT. AVALON CONTROL -- MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Confused technicians are standing on both side walls (ie the viewscreen
wall and the door to the commander's office are still walls, albeit
sideways now). A couple of technicians are still secured in their
seats. Of course, the workstation mice are hanging down either
toward whichever new 'floor' they are closest to. Tuud enters from
the left 'floor'.
TUUD (A little winded) Why do I always need to use my
mountain-climing skills up here on a space station?
George pokes his head through the right 'floor'.
GEORGE Major, it's not 'up here', it's 'out here'.
TUUD No, it's not 'out here', it's 'up yours'.
GEORGE (Laughs uncomfortably) That Pejorative humor of yours.
I don't know if you've noticed, but we're having a bit
of a cock-up with the gravity thingee. You should _see_
sickbay. One of my boffins was working with various
lab cultures and specimen jars. I just laughed, and
laughed --
TUUD George, you're a spocking moron. Did you know that?
GEORGE Well, actually, now that you mention it, some folks --
TUUD George, shut up.
FLASHEART (Offscreen, panicky, from his office) Major, is that
you? I couldn't sleep, so I was sitting at my desk,
compulsively-repetitively massaging my temples and
then there was this explosion, and then everything
not bolted to the floor fell onto the side walls.
TUUD (Calls out calmly, almost condescending) How are you, sir?
FLASHEART (Trying unsuccesfully to disguise the raw panic in his
voice) Fine, I'm floating in the center of the room,
which is zero gee. I'd really like to wet my pants
in an infantile display of total fear and anxiety,
but I'm afraid to because the thrust might cause me
to fall to one of the walls and hurt myself. Do you
have any recommendations?
TUUD Yes, sir, I do.
FLASHEART I'm listening.
TUUD Tie a knot in it and stay where you are.
FLASHEART Sounds like a plan to me. You'll let me know when you've
got this thing under control?
TUUD I think you'll be able to figure it out for yourself, sir.
FLASHEART Good. I think I'm going to faint now. Oooh, stars!
Blackadder joins Tuud in the entrance to the left floor.
BLACKADDER Well, Major. Re-enacting the Spider-Man bicentennial
celebration, are we?
TUUD Put a sock in it. We're rotating end-over-end rather than
on our normal central-core axis. Since Control is at the
midpoint between the two ends of the cylinder, we are now
blessed with two floors, one on each wall. And Helpless
the Wonder Weenie in his office over there is so fearful
of losing control of his bodily functions that he just
passed out.
BLACKADDER All in all, just an average day on AVALON 59.
TUUD (Disgusted) You got it.
Nobrain, wearing some kind of macho looking electronic belt wired to
his shoes, 'walks' into Control on the former floor, as if gravity is
completely normal.
NOBRAIN Hi, guys. Just hanging around?
TUUD How are you able to waltz in here as if nothing is
wrong?
NOBRAIN Hey, after the last time I found myself walking three
feet off the floor and I wasn't in love, I don't trust
centrifugal gravity. That's why I carry my own.
Nobrain presses a button on his belt and it lights up like a Christmas
tree.
NOBRAIN Yeah, I'm prepared for anything; I'm Grizzly Nobrain,
Space Wilderness Man! R! R! R! R! ...
TUUD Hey, Grizzly, how about squeezing in a little work on
our gravity in between hugging trees?
NOBRAIN Ok, ok, chill, jill, I'll fill the bill!
Nobrain sits at a workstation, reels in the mouse, drags, clicks and
presses a button.
NOBRAIN There.
TUUD That's it? Nothing's happening.
Suddenly, gravity shifts back to normal. Tuud, Blackadder and George
fall rather quickly to the usual floor. Nobrain, with his own personal
gravity belt, looks around in amusement.
NOBRAIN It's _fixed_!
TUUD (Sarcastically) Thank you, Chief.
Flasheart runs out of his office.
FLASHEART I want to hear all about this -- when I get back from
the bathroom -- and the ship's pharmacy.
Flasheart exits.
GEORGE Well, that's my cue! (Exits)
George exits.
NOBRAIN Yeah, there are two things my dad told me never to
do without gravity: toga parties without underwear and
pancakes with maple syrup.
INT. COMMANDER'S MEETING ROOM -- THE NEXT MORNING
Commander's meeting room. Flasheart, Tuud, Duk, Blackadder, George
and Nobrain are seated at the table. Flasheart sits at the head of
the table; an 'Out of Order, Use Easel/Paper' sign is affixed to a
viewscreen on the wall behind him. A cheap easel with large-size pad
of drawing paper is propped against a side wall.
FLASHEART Ok, people, I want to get down to business. First,
George, thanks for the quadro-triti-Valium Select.
For a while, I thought all the blood vessels in my
head were going to burst simultaneously, as my lungs
collapsed and kidneys failed, but I'm doing much better
now. I feel like only _one_ of my eyes is as big as
a cue ball, and that's an improvement.
GEORGE Oh, tish, pshaw, don't mention it, sir.
FLASHEART We have three items to discuss: first, the explosion
and gravity-shift we experienced this morning; second,
the impending arrival of the new ambassador from the
Orlon Collection; and third, (pauses, looks around, and
speaks quietly) I want to hear any ideas any of you
might have on how to kill my big brother so I can
get reassigned back to Earth.
GEORGE Aww, but sir, you just got here! And AVALON is a
really super place, once you get used to it.
FLASHEART I don't want anything to do with any space station
which was named after a Roxy Music song.
BLACKADDER Sir, would one be correct in assuming that you and your
brother are not on the best of terms?
FLASHEART Oh, no, not at all -- he _loves_ me! He did this to
me for my _own_good_! My brother -- George, gimme
another Valium -- the great space explorer and stud
of the galaxy, can't understand that, unlike the rest
of our family, I'm sensitive and caring! George,
VALIUM!!!
George hands Flasheart a quadro-triti-Valium Select, a large, nasty
looking glowing capsule, which Flasheart grabs and gobbles down,
followed by a gulp of water from a paper cup.
FLASHEART My family forced me to join the UNPLUG Space Guard.
Tremendous, tremendous pressure -- from them, from
my brother. Don't get me wrong, I like space. I
just don't want to be a _commander_. I -- I -- have
different dreams, other desires.
BLACKADDER So, you bow to the applause of a different audience
than our beloved Admiral-General... Would one be
impertinent to ask, how different?
FLASHEART Well... I want to be a stand-up comic.
DUK Iiii think that's stu-u-u-u-pendous! Let's _all_
pretend we're stand-up comics!
Everybody does a take at Lt. Duk, except George, who's been entranced
with her all along.
BLACKADDER Oh dear, and here I was afraid that you might want to
do something silly.
Flasheart speaks in a wimpy growl in an attempt to assert his authority
by proving that he is the most deranged person in the room.
FLASHEART Watch it, Blackadder -- I may be a raw, exposed bundle
of hypersensitive nerves covered by the inflamed
epidermis of a neurotic loser, but I'm still your
commanding officer for as long as I'm buried here.
BLACKADDER Indeed. My apologies, sir, no disrespect intended. (To
himself) Well, not much anyway.
FLASHEART Anyway, as I was saying, my brother got me assigned here
in the hope that it'd toughen me up and after a few
years or so I'd be fit to be let back in our house.
BLACKADDER A few years?
FLASHEART Well, he may have said twenty or thirty years --
I forget.
BLACKADDER Twenty? --
TUUD This has been very enlightening, sir, but can we
get back on track?
FLASHEART Yes, absolutely, thank you Major. Lt. Duk, I'd like
to hear your science report on the explosion, followed
by Lt. Commander Blackadder's security report.
Justa Duk gets up and walks over to the easel.
DUK Weeeelll, I thought it'd be really neat-o to present
my report as a song! Are you all ready to sing with
me?
FLASHEART Umm, Lieutenant. No offense, and I respect the age and
wisdom of your symbiont, but I think everyone here at
the table agrees that if the hand-puppet continues to
talk for you when you're on duty, we're going to beat it
senseless with a large ball-peen hammer.
NOBRAIN And I have one here, just in case. I'm always prepared.
FLASHEART I'd much prefer just the host to speak. I know, it's
strange, but what can I say? It's an un-joined, human
thing. OK?
DUK It's better to say what you feel than have your
blood congeal! I _looove_ you for your honesty!
FLASHEART Oh, great, the hand puppet turns the other cheek.
JUSTA (With just a hint of stuck-up Valleygirlspeak) Well,
it's like, you know, someone stuck a couple of really
wicked retro-rockets on one end of the station. When
they went off, they caused the station to rotate end-to-
end instead of, like, you know, rolling. I checked how
hard the stickum on the rockets had stuck to the outside,
and I believe that, like, it had only been stuck for an
hour or so before it went off.
TUUD (Quietly, to Blackadder) Now I understand why they
line up to join with those spocking hand-puppets --
they need the intelligence boost!
FLASHEART Did you recognize the construction of the rockets?
JUSTA Oh, like you wanted me to do that, too?
The hand-puppet gets Justa's attention. They whisper to each other for
a moment.
JUSTA Umm, it's like, Yarn design and technology.
FLASHEART So, it looks like the Yarn planted it.
TUUD Or, someone who wanted to make it _look_ like the Yarn
planted it.
GEORGE Or, the Yarn could have placed it to make it _look_
like someone who wanted to make it _look_ like the
Yarn planted it!
ALL EXCEPT GEORGE (IN UNISON)
George, shut up!
BLACKADDER The origin of the technology is irrelevant. As everyone
knows, UNPLUG, the Yarn, the Cardigans, and the Orlons
will sell technology to anyone and his grandmother's
clones. The only prime directive here is 'He who dies
with the largest bank account wins.'
TUUD Don't forget my people -- we sell _just_ as much as any
of the big guys, but for less, thanks to lower overhead!
BLACKADDER Thank you, Major, for that advert. I'm afraid, sir,
that it may not be possible to determine who did this
and why.
FLASHEART That's not good enough. A lot of important guests lost
their head cheese this morning. There are going to be
questions, and I'm gonna need answers. (Pauses) Does
my left eye look bloodshot? It feels like it's going to
burst out of my head.
TUUD Your eye looks fine, sir.
GEORGE Actually, sir, it looks --
BLACKADDER Ah, don't worry, sir. I will provide you with whatever
answers you require. Computer, ring my assistant.
VO:COMPUTER There is no one on board with the name Miassistant.
BLACKADDER Garibaldric! Computer, ring Garibaldric!
VO:COMPUTER There is no working viewscreen in your vicinity. Do you
still want to connect to Security Officer Garibaldric?
BLACKADDER Yes.
VO:COMPUTER UNPLUG Medical strongly advises that audio communication
is not as effective without the capability to sense non-
verbal dialog, and misunderstandings and loss of self-
esteem can result. Are you sure --
BLACKADDER Yes, you sniveling socialist software! Get me Garibaldric!
VO:COMPUTER Connection established.
VO:GARIBALDRIC Secrecy department, Garibaldric speaking.
BLACKADDER Garibaldric, it's me.
VO:GARIBALDRIC Me who?
BLACKADDER Your superior.
VO:GARIBALDRIC That could be anybody.
BLACKADDER This is Blackadder.
VO:GARIBALDRIC You can't be him, he's in a meeting.
BLACKADDER No, _this_IS_Lieutenant_Commander_Blackadder_.
VO:GARIBALDRIC How come I can't see you?
BLACKADDER The viewscreen's broken, like your ability to
understand polysyllabic words.
VO:GARIBALDRIC Oh, it really _is_ you. Sorry, sir, I thought you were
pretending to be you.
BLACKADDER Garibaldric, I'd like to pretend you weren't you, but as
Dame Fortune has only broken wind in my direction for as
long as I can remember, I am forced to live with harsh
reality. I have a task for you. You know the usual
suspects?
VO:GARIBALDRIC Yes?
BLACKADDER Round them up, there's a good chap.
VO:GARIBALDRIC Oy, oy, sir.
BLACKADDER That's 'Aye, Aye'. And while you're at it, include
yourself. Computer, end communication.
VO:COMPUTER Communication ended. Advisory: the number of
misunderstandings in your communication exceeded the
UNPLUG Medical-established threshold--
BLACKADDER Computer, can you understand the words 'SHUT UP' in audio
only, or shall I draw you a picture?
INT. AVALON SCIENCE LAB -- LATER THAT AFTERNOON
Blackadder and Justa Duk examine the rocket packages.
BLACKADDER I just don't understand. Why would someone want to
do this?
DUK Because they're _not_ nice people! I know a song
about nice people -- let's all sing!
BLACKADDER I know a song about a hand puppet and a very large
stick of dynamite sticking where only a hand has
gone before.
Duk faints (Justa's left hand goes limp)
JUSTA Like, look what you've done.
BLACKADDER I know, but it really was the lesser of two evils.
Now, let's approach this logically.
JUSTA Logically? What's that?
BLACKADDER Lieutenant, before you were joined to Pollyanna the
Purple Puppet there, what did you study at Point
UNPLUG Academy?
JUSTA I was a Personal Appearance Technologist.
BLACKADDER Ahh, I see. A hairdresser.
JUSTA Personal Appearance Technologist!
BLACKADDER Quite. So Duk is the scientist.
JUSTA What's your point?
BLACKADDER I just wanted to know in case I find any large paper
bags you might not be able to deduce your way out of.
JUSTA Huh?
BLACKADDER Never mind, I'll get Garibaldric to explain it to you.
That should keep both of you busy until the end of
time. Anyway, back to the point at hand. Why would
anyone want to change the rotation of the station?
Deluxx enters.
DELUXX Or the angle of the dangle?
BLACKADDER Ambassador? How nice to see you.
DELUXX I'm sure you'd find it much nicer to see more of me.
BLACKADDER (Caught off guard by her lack of discretion) I'm
on _duty_.
DELUXX Oh? How dreary.
Deluxx pulls out a small card from her sleeve and gives it to Blackadder.
DELUXX Edmund, here is some information which might be of help.
BLACKADDER Deluxx, your government doesn't normally cooperate with
UNPLUG. Aren't you going to get into trouble?
Deluxx smiles enigmatically.
DELUXX If anyone asks, just tell them you found it in your
trousers. Ta!
Deluxx leaves. Blackadder examines the card.
BLACKADDER Aah'ghahd, it's another of her 'Trivial Pursuit' cards.
When she knows something important, she always shows
up at a convenient moment and gives me one --
Justa raises an eyebrow, causing Blackadder to get a bit defensive.
BLACKADDER -- a _card_. Like this one. I'm sure it's from
her government's classified files.
JUSTA Like, what's it say?
BLACKADDER Who blew up an entire solar system when the orbit
of one of the planets they colonized was found to
be erratic?
JUSTA Oh, I know. It's, like, this mega-wealthy rock star --
INT. AVALON CAFETERIA -- DINNER
Blackadder, Garibaldric and George are eating.
GEORGE ...Well, I think it was the janitorial staff. Think
about it -- what's the easiest way to clean the floor?
Move the dirt to the walls!
BLACKADDER George, you know, you're better at doing my job than
you are at medicine.
GEORGE Oh? Why thank you, Edmund.
GARIBALDRIC The regulars in the bar think that it was a conspiracy
to get them to pay their tabs.
BLACKADDER The regulars in the bar aren't capable of higher
brain functionality, much less thinking.
Tuud and Nobrain, with trays, enter.
TUUD Mind if we join you?
BLACKADDER Yes, but that won't stop you --
Tuud and Nobrain sit down, oblivious to Blackadder's comment.
TUUD -- Great.
NOBRAIN Well, judging by what's on my plate, I'm gonna have
to fix the food replicators again.
BLACKADDER We don't _have_ food replicators, Chief.
NOBRAIN Then what did I fix the last time?
BLACKADDER Mrs. Miggins, the pie chef.
NOBRAIN (Snickers) Oh, yeah, I forgot.
BLACKADDER Everytime anyone shook her hand, she'd vomit up a
meat pie. It was disgusting.
NOBRAIN Yeah, but they were _great_ meat pies. Real spaceman
food, R! R! R! R! ...
BLACKADDER If you don't stop making that grunting noise, I'm going
to go over to the 'In case of machismo attack, break
glass' and stuff the special emergency quiche down your
throat.
NOBRAIN (Sniffs the air) Hey, you guys smell something?
BLACKADDER Only Garibaldric.
GARIBALDRIC I don't smell anything.
BLACKADDER That's probably for the best.
TUUD Yeah, I smell something. From Earth. Outdoorsy.
GEORGE A fresh pine scent. The mark of the janitorial staff!
TUUD But we don't have anything like that in the Arboretum.
BLACKADDER This may be another attempt at sabotage. We need to
analyze the air. George, do you have your mediscan unit
with you?
GEORGE No, but I have a scratch-and-sniff pocket calculator.
BLACKADDER I suggest we all put our napkins over our noses and
head for the sickbay at once.
TUUD Chief Nobrain and I will inspect the ventilation
system.
NOBRAIN Awright, a chance to tear apart lots of big motors and
gears and stuff, R! R! R! R! I'll get my drill -- I
adapted it from an old photon torpedo! R! R! R!
BLACKADDER ...But first, I'm going to get the emergency quiche.
INT. AVALON SICKBAY
George is analyzing air samples while Blackadder and Garibaldric
look on.
GEORGE Well, the readout indicates that -- it's pine scent.
BLACKADDER No poison? Airborne virus? Nothing?
George responds while studying the readout.
GEORGE Aaahhh, not exactly. I read... the... usual level of
poisons and airborne viruses. There's always
a little bit present.
BLACKADDER Like your aftershave. I see.
GEORGE (Misses it) No, actually, more like the turbine
oil in primitive Earth submarines. It seems
those boys had to bring a little bit of the stuff
with them to put in coffee during their shore leave,
so it'd _taste_ the same --
SFX: EEEEEEYYYYAAAAGH (VOMIT SOUND)
BLACKADDER Garibaldric!
GARIBALDRIC It wasn't me!
GEORGE Oh, it's my viewscreen. It's called PukeRing. Instead
of a telephone ring, I get 'Bleeach!'. It's quite
a panic, isn't it!
BLACKADDER Answer it before I give you a reason to panic!
George presses the viewscreen button. Tuud, decked out in gasmask and
gloves, appears on the viewscreen. George continues to work at the
medical station while talking to Tuud.
TUUD Well, we found the source. It's a large canister of
some kind of gas with a timer. Chief Nobrain is unhooking
it now.
GEORGE Major, you can take off the gasmask, it's just pine
scent.
TUUD Good. The damn things make me claustrophobic. Chief?
NOBRAIN R! R! R! R! -- R?
TUUD Would you bring the canister over here?
NOBRAIN R!
TUUD Have you ever seen markings like this? (Holds up the
canister to the viewscreen)
BLACKADDER Actually, yes. It's some kind of Orlon warning, I
think. Stay there, I'll be down in a moment.
Blackadder closes the viewscreen link.
INT. AVALON VENTILATION SYSTEM CORRIDOR -- A FEW MINUTES LATER
Tuud and Nobrain are lying on the floor, unconscious.
Blackadder enters.
BLACKADDER Major? Chief?
Blackadder finds a pulse on both of them, then quickly pulls out Nobrain's
wallet, pulls out a couple of bills, and puts it back.
BLACKADDER No sense in letting an opportunity like this go to waste.
VOICE Emissionary!
Blackadder turns around to see Tuud, in gasmask -- or is it?
'TUUD' Emissionary. It is meaningless to you.
BLACKADDER You have me at a loss.
'Tuud' morphs into 'Nobrain', still wearing a gasmask.
'NOBRAIN' Where is it?
BLACKADDER Where is what?
'NOBRAIN' I can see into your mind. You are the one, but you
have no consciousness of it.
BLACKADDER Do you find pine fragrance to be intoxicating, or are
you simply mad?
'Nobrain' morphs into 'Blackadder' (in gasmask) and runs down the
corridor. Blackadder chases and finally catches him. The stranger
morphs several times during the struggle, prompting Blackadder to say:
BLACKADDER Stop that; Michael Jackson's been dead for _centuries_!
The stranger knees Blackadder in the spocks and pushes him to the other
side of the corridor. The stranger morphs again, becoming a Cardigan
male. The stranger's oversized belt buckle starts to spark, so he
removes it, presses a button on it and throws it aside. After a moment,
it self-destructs.
STRANGER You have a hole in your sock.
The stranger pulls out a rose from his pocket, lifts up his gas mask,
inhales deeply, and dies.
BLACKADDER Well, it appears he rose to the occasion...
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT III
INT. BLACKADDER'S QUARTERS -- BEDTIME
Blackadder's quarters, later that evening. Deluxx and Blackadder are
in bed.
DELUXX Mmmmm, Edward, you're right. Sometimes it's better just
to lie here together, you know, without my set of heated,
vibrating teflon-coated mechanical multi-legged pleasure
spiders, or the two-meter A-I-action hydraulic octopus --
or even a couple of cubes of hallucinogenic head cheese.
BLACKADDER Yes, just you, me and the bed. That's what we Earthers
call 'roughing it'.
DELUXX Ooooh, that word. RRRRrrough. Edmund, I'm in the mood
for rrrough. I want you to get rrrrough with me. Hurt me
and I'll be yours forever, Edmund.
BLACKADDER Y'know, this isn't just a Cardigan female thing with you,
is it. You're completely barking mad! Down on all fours
with rabid foam dripping from your snout, aren't you. And
somehow I've gotten tangled up in your leash --
DELUXX (Eyes lighting up) Leash?
BLACKADDER Don't change the subject.
DELUXX (Pouting) Does that mean you won't play along?
Blackadder pretends to think about his answer for a moment.
BLACKADDER Ummmm, no. So, you've been a _bad_ little Cardigan girl?
DELUXX Yes --
BLACKADDER And you want me to punish you?
DELUXX Oh, yes --
BLACKADDER You want me to... _hurt_ you?
DELUXX Ohhhh, yessss!
BLACKADDER You want that more than anything?
DELUXX _Yyyyyeeeeess_!
Blackadder faces her and speaks in his most commanding tone.
BLACKADDER Never! Absolutely _not_!
Deluxx sighs, and her eyes flutter for a moment.
DELUXX Ohh, that was wonderful! You were fantastic! So... so
_commanding_!
BLACKADDER Nothing but the best for you, my dear.
Deluxx and Blackadder cuddle a little closer.
DELUXX Edmund?
BLACKADDER Hmmmm?
DELUXX You know, you don't usually, well, _think_ this much
when we're together like this. Are you still troubled by
that Cardigan terrorist? I told you, he's a rogue...
He was wanted on Cardigan. By killing himself, he
saved my government a lot of money -- D. I. Y. is
always more cost-effective than a show trial and
execution.
BLACKADDER It's _how_ he killed himself and _what_ he said that
troubles me.
DELUXX Well, how did he kill himself?
BLACKADDER He stuffed a rose up his nose.
DELUXX (Laughs) That shouldn't have killed him!
BLACKADDER Yes, I know. Lt. Duk analyzed the rose and found it to
be replicated, but otherwise completely normal. George
will perform an autopsy on the body tomorrow, as soon
as he finishes reading the Cardigan Autopsy Frequently
Asked Questions document he pulled off your government's
public data archive.
DELUXX And what did he say to you just before?
BLACKADDER Something very curious. 'You have a hole in your sock' --
Deluxx gasps slightly, then regains her composure. Blackadder doesn't
notice.
BLACKADDER -- makes no sense. I mean, I was wearing _shoes_; he
couldn't even _see_ my socks.
DELUXX It is an old Cardigan insult.
BLACKADDER Oh? He didn't look like an old Cardigan.
DELUXX (Giggles) Oh Edmund, you're so funny. Let's (whispers
something to him)
BLACKADDER No, we _can't_! The last time we did that, I couldn't
drink anything cold for _weeks_ afterward!
INT. COMMANDER'S OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING
Flasheart is in a neck brace.
SFX: CHEAP DOORBELL 'DING-DONG'
FLASHEART Come in.
Nothing happens.
FLASHEART Use the manual ingress tool next to the door!
With a violent thud, the business end of a crowbar wedges itself between
the closed doors. After a bit of noise and little movement, the doors
suddenly slide open. Blackadder, using the crowbar on the other side,
falls forward into the office.
BLACKADDER (On the floor) I presume that your door is on the Chief's
service list?
FLASHEART No, it's _fixed_. You should have seen what it did
_before_ he fixed it.
BLACKADDER Oh yes, I noticed the neck brace.
FLASHEART Neck brace?
The Commander feels around his neck, discovering the neck brace and
takes it off.
FLASHEART Damn new-commander pranks! No wonder all the techs
snickered when I came in this morning.
BLACKADDER Sir, I wanted to talk to you about the pine scent
terrorist from yesterday.
FLASHEART I read your report. The guy killed himself by stuffing a
rose up his nose?
BLACKADDER There was no possible way a rose could have killed him.
Cardigans aren't even allergic to roses.
FLASHEART How do you know?
BLACKADDER Let's just say I have experience in the matter.
Blackadder turns to the camera, smiles slightly and arches an eyebrow.
FLASHEART Have you considered the possibility that he _wasn't_ a
Cardigan? Aside from your dog Garibaldric, nobody else
has the ability to shapeshift like you said he did.
BLACKADDER He didn't actually _shapeshift_ as such. When I had him
in a headlock --
FLASHEART Headlock?
BLACKADDER When I managed to restrain him --
FLASHEART Restrain?
BLACKADDER All right, while he was kicking the sod out of me, I
noticed that what my hands felt did not correspond to
what I saw. I believe that our friend had a personal
holographic projection field in his belt-buckle.
FLASHEART But was he a real Cardigan at the end?
BLACKADDER That's what I hope George can tell us.
George enters.
GEORGE Someone mention my name?
BLACKADDER Only in contempt, I assure you.
GEORGE Good one, Constable. You're in rare form today!
BLACKADDER George, don't call me Cons-
FLASHEART Constable? I like it. It fits you, Blackadder.
Pompous, but with just a _hint_ of oily.
BLACKADDER Like 'Commander' fits you?
FLASHEART _What_?!
BLACKADDER I said, 'Like Commander Fitzhume'.
GEORGE That old nebula-head? Talk about a scientist! He
distills his own alcohol! It's a riot!
BLACKADDER What did you find from the autopsy of the terrorist?
GEORGE Autopsy? Oh, right. Couldn't do one. A couple of
Cardigans arrived at the station and claimed the body.
FLASHEART Oh god, I'm dead. Roasted. On a spit, with low-cal
barbecue sauce.
BLACKADDER And you _let_ them take it?
GEORGE They said they were relatives. They were _crying_, their
mascara was running. If I hadn't, I would have felt a total
heartless bastard.
FLASHEART _BE_ a heartless bastard! The person who assigned you here
was!
BLACKADDER George, you're not a heartless bastard.
GEORGE Thank you, Edmund. That means a lot coming from you.
BLACKADDER You're a brainless prat!
INT. BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- AFTERNOON
Blackadder's office. Blackadder is looking over computer records and
jotting some notes on a pad. Cmdr. Flasheart rings up on the viewscreen.
FLASHEART Anything yet?
BLACKADDER Nothing, sir. I'm still checking the station logs.
FLASHEART Lemme know the instant you find anything. Geez, my
eye is swelling --
BLACKADDER (Presses 'off' button) You should get it looked at.
VO:COMPUTER Communication ended. Advisory: --
BLACKADDER Computer, thank you. Interference with station
rotation. Malicious use of a pine scent. A Cardigan
who's a criminal who may not be a Cardigan and who
is definitely no longer here. (Picks up Deluxx's
card) Who blew up an entire solar system when the
orbit of one of the planets they colonized was found
to be erratic?
Ambassador G'Whiz enters.
G'WHIZ PeptoBISmol to you, Constable.
BLACKADDER And you, Ambassador.
G'WHIZ Quite a LOT of acTIVity these past couple of days.
My GOVernment is somewhat conCERned about the safety
of its deleGAtion. I assured them that Constable BLACK-
adder is at the table and heartilly DIGging into the
PROBlem.
BLACKADDER Your culinary metaphors are most -- culinary, Ambassador.
G'WHIZ You FLATter me, sir. I'm considered quite the ORDinary
eloCUTionist back home.
BLACKADDER Really? If that's the case, then remind me never to
take in one of your vidcast football games.
G'WHIZ Your compliment has distracted me from my business here.
Have you identified the culprits yet?
BLACKADDER Culprits?
G'Whiz realizes he has given something away and is clearly caught off guard.
G'WHIZ ...Or culprit. I expect that when you find the
perpetrator -- or perpetrators -- of these dastardly
deeds, UNPLUG's space fleet will flow like ACid into
the field of battle and utterly diGEST the enemy.
It will be GLORious!
Blackadder, suspicious, decides to lead G'Whiz on.
BLACKADDER Well, we're _very_ close to finding -- the culprits.
G'WHIZ Remember, Constable, the Yarn Republic has been
a close friend and ally of UNPLUG for all of our
brief existence. We Yarn have never attempted
to pull the wool over your eyes.
BLACKADDER Very droll, ambassador.
G'WHIZ Rest assured, UNPLUG won't be dining alone. The
Yarn will be at your side to make a meal of the enemy!
BLACKADDER I'll make sure that the Commander is made aware of
your support.
G'WHIZ I AM most GRATified. I must be off -- yet another
mealtime, you know. CHARmin, Constable!
Ambassador G'Whiz leaves.
BLACKADDER And a big flush to you, too, Ambassador... Hmmm...
Could the Yarn be the thread running through all
of this?
Blackadder realizes what he just said and makes a medicine face.
He swivels around in his chair to watch his 3x4-screen video-wall.
He notices a Pejorative news program on screen 5.
BLACKADDER Computer, display subscreen 5 on main viewer,
with audio.
Onscreen, the Pejorative Guy Pacman is leaving the main Pejorative temple,
chased by a mob of obnoxious reporters and camera operators.
VO:NEWSREADER -- religious leader Guy Pacman, forced into retirement
last week due to a scandal involving the Holy Sock of
Pejor, came back today to clean out his confessional.
GUY PACMAN I didn't steal the Sock of the Souls. I -- I _borrowed_
it, yeah, that's the ticket. I'm the -- I'm the one destined
to remove and return the Holy Sock. Yeah, that's it, I'm
the Emi--
VO:NEWSREADER As you may remember, the Guy was caught attempting to
sell the Sock, the most holy artifact in Pejorative
religion, to some Orlon buyers. After returning the
Sock to its rightful place in the Holy Closet, the
Council of Elders demanded his resignation. The new
Guy, Guy Edna, was anointed by the Council yesterday
and will hold her first Sock Service tomorrow.
Onscreen, close up of purple, glittery sock with a hole in the toe,
encased in a high-security art-museum-style display.
BLACKADDER Hangonaminnit! _I_ have a sock _just_like_that_ in
my drawer! I _thought_ it was odd that I actually
retrieved _more_ socks from the clothes dryer than
I put in.
The viewscreen rings. Blackadder pushes the 'answer' button and Major
Tuud's image pops up on the viewscreen.
TUUD Blackadder, the Orlon ambassador is requesting clearance
to dock and come aboard, and, as usual, we got no advance
notice.
BLACKADDER On my way.
Blackadder presses the button again and the viewscreen returns to the
previous pictures.
BLACKADDER No bloody word --
VO:COMPUTER A message from UNPLUG Central Command has just arrived.
Shall I display it?
BLACKADDER Ah, that'll be the advance notice. Computer, subject?
VO:COMPUTER The ambassador from the Orlon Collection will be
arriving --
BLACKADDER Computer, I'll read it later. You'd think that someone
would have figured out by now that ships travelling
faster than light travel faster than messages
travelling _at_ lightspeed, but that's too abstract
a concept for our glorious leaders.
VO:COMPUTER This unit does not 'think', per se--
BLACKADDER Computer, I wasn't talking to you, and I know you can't
think -- if you could, you certainly wouldn't be here.
So shut up.
INT. AVALON AIRLOCK WAITING LOUNGE -- A FEW MINUTES LATER
Airlock waiting lounge. Tuud, Nobrain, George, Garibaldric,
Lt. Duk, G'Whiz, Deluxx and various base staff and visitors
are milling around, waiting for the airlock to open.
Blackadder enters.
VO:COMPUTER Attention. The Orlon vessel 'Fire Engine Red with Really
Bold Yellow Stripes Along the Sides' has docked. Please
stand well clear of the airlock. Message ends.
G'WHIZ You know, those ORlons have a very alien way of referring
to things. EVERYthing has to be some kind of _COLOR_!
BLACKADDER I suppose the Orlons don't view reality as merely black and
white, Ambassador?
Everybody laughs at Blackadder's joke.
G'WHIZ Ahhh, Constable, once again you reGALE us with a little
SNACK of your STEAK knife-sharp WIT! You are _much_ too
clever by half for this little outpost!
BLACKADDER (Half to himself) Tell me something I _don't_ know.
Cmdr. Flasheart arrives, out of breath and twitching something awful.
FLASHEART All right, people, line up over here next to me. Look sharp.
Remember, Orlons evolved from insects. They are still
notorious anal-retentives with a protocol fetish --
BLACKADDER Like you, sir?
Flasheart glares at Blackadder momentarily and continues.
FLASHEART -- so don't deviate from our standard greeting
procedures, okay?
The staff members nod and mumble affirmations.
FLASHEART _Okay?_
STAFF (in unison)
Yes, sir.
The officers form a review line; G'Whiz and Deluxx stand opposite. Everyone
else clears away from the airlock.
VO:COMPUTER Announcing the arrival of Light Mauve, Ambassador from
the Orlon Collection.
The airlock opens, and the ambassador, encased in an Orlon encounter suit
and looking like a Dalek with Darth Vader's helmet attached on top, rolls
out of the airlock and onto the deck. He stops next to Flasheart, and
Mauve's top half does a 90-degree turn to face him. A Steven Hawking-
style electronically synthesized voice, devoid of inflection (hence the
need to verbalize all punctuation) emanates from an integral speaker.
MAUVE I AM LIGHT MAUVE -- AMBASSADOR FROM THE ORLON --
COLLECTION -- HERE ARE MY CREDENTIALS
A small door opens in the middle of the suit, and a small cassette pops
out. Flasheart takes it.
FLASHEART On behalf of UNPLUG, welcome aboard AVALON 59. Allow me
to introduce my staff.
Flasheart and Mauve proceed down the line, first to Tuud.
FLASHEART I present First Officer Major Adi Tuud, from Pejor.
Tuud always says 'Hello' in an exaggerated way.
TUUD Hhhellllloo.
MAUVE QUESTION A PEJORATIVE FIRST OFFICER QUESTION --
HOW INTRIGUING
They move on to George.
FLASHEART Chief Medical Officer George Cremator, from Earth.
MAUVE CREMATOR -- QUESTION AS IN QUOTE TO CREMATE QUOTE QUESTION
They move on to Blackadder.
FLASHEART Our chief of security, Edmund Blackadder.
MAUVE (Unintelligible sounds, ostensibly unfiltered Orlon
speech)
Flasheart is puzzled by Mauve's apparent hearing problem.
FLASHEART Ahem. Edmund Blackadder, security chief.
Mauve turns to Flasheart.
MAUVE EXCLAMATION HOW DARE YOU INSULT AN AMBASSADOR OF THE
GLORIOUS ORLON COLLECTION EXCLAMATION
FLASHEART What did I say?
MAUVE YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT YOU SAID -- I SHALL RETURN TO MY
SHIP AND CONSULT WITH MY GOVERNMENT REGARDING OUR
RESPONSE (Click, unintelligible Orlon speech)
Mauve turns about and rolls back through the airlock. Flasheart freaks.
FLASHEART What did I say? Could someone explain to me what just
happened? I can feel it -- I'm breaking out in a --
G'WHIZ Well, comMANder, I think I can shed some light on this
DARK subject. You see, the ORlons' native tongue appears
to involve color. As I underSTAND it, 'Light' is Light
Mauve's title, not his first name. I suspect that
Orlons find darker colors somewhat ofFENsive.
Hearing G'whiz, Blackadder makes the connection.
BLACKADDER -- Aaah'ghahd... and the name 'Blackadder' must be, to
them, the foulest of epithets. Well, sir, congratulations,
you just probably called the Ambassador's parentage into
question, as well as suggested his mother indulged
in certain unsanitary avocations in which items made of
latex hold positions of prominence.
FLASHEART Me? It was _your_ name, Blackadder.
BLACKADDER Oh, I see, so it's _my_ fault, is it?
FLASHEART It's _your_ name!
GEORGE Now, now, sirs, calm down, it's a mistake _anyone_ could
have made.
FLASHEART Good, then _you_ can be the one courtmartialed.
GEORGE But sir -- (begins to blubber)
FLASHEART Okay, people, meeting, my conference room, ten minutes.
And, George, wipe your nose and bring some Aldebaran
skyscraper-beast tranquilizer with you. My whole left
side is beginning to cramp up again, and I've developed
a tolerance to Val-Select.
INT. AVALON CONTROL
Tuud, Nobrain and Duk are at their posistions. George, Garibaldric
and Blackadder are milling around in back, waiting for Flasheart.
BLACKADDER George, how long will it take for him to come round?
George studies his watch.
GEORGE Oh, just...about...-now-.
Commander Flasheart gets up off the (offscreen) floor and stands up between
George and Blackadder. He's just a bit unsteady for a few moments, but
gradually regains his composure.
FLASHEART Thanks, George, I feel much better now.
GEORGE (To Blackadder) I really _know_ my Aldeberan
tranquilizers, Constable.
BLACKADDER Hmm, I see. You know _one_ thing really well. That makes
you either an _idiot_savant_, or Kentucky Fried Chicken.
FLASHEART Okay, people, let's figure out how to get me -- ourselves
out of this mess --
The technician monitoring the base sensor array interrupts with a
message for Tuud.
TECHNICIAN Major, I'm reading five, no, seven, no... three
_hundred_ blips.
TUUD Switching to visual...
The viewscreen shows several hundred Orlon craft of all different
sizes heading toward the station. Orlon spacecraft look like large
mechanical bees with solar panels for wings.
TUUD Oh, spock, it's the Orlon Collection and I don't think
they're here to make a fashion statement!
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT IV
INT. AVALON CONTROL
The viewscreen shows several hundred Orlon craft of all different
sizes heading toward the station. Orlon spacecraft look like large
mechanical bees with solar panels for wings.
TUUD Oh, spock, it's the Orlon Collection and I don't think
they're here to make a fashion statement!
FLASHEART Go to maximum alert. Shields up!
All the technicians reach under their station desks and pull out
crude metal shields resembling Roman armor and hold them over their
heads with one hand. Garibaldric opens up a ratty umbrella and
cowers under it.
FLASHEART Not _those_ shields! The base shields!
NOBRAIN Ummm, sir, we don't _have_ any shields.
FLASHEART _Why_not_?
BLACKADDER They were cut from the construction budget.
GEORGE I remember that. It was either the shields, or
food replicators.
FLASHEART But I thought we didn't _have_ food replicators.
GEORGE UNPLUG decided that if we could choose between the
two, then we probably didn't need either. But,
we did get some _smashing_ artwork and self-help
vids, crew morale and self-esteem being such an
absolute priority and all.
FLASHEART Sounds like UNPLUG logic to me.
VO:ORLON CMDR THIS IS THE ORLON LEAD BATTLE CARRIER 'STOP-LIGHT
RED WITH FLASHING AMBER WARNING LIGHTS' -- PREPARE
TO BE DESTROYED
FLASHEART Major, lemme talk to them. Ahem. This is Francis
X. Flasheart, commander of this SpaceBase. Ummm,
don't we get an opportunity to surrender or something?
VO:ORLON CMDR WE HAVE NO USE FOR YOU OR YOUR BASE -- WE CAME ALL THE
WAY FROM OUR HOME HIVE PLANET EXPECTING TO BLOW UP
SOMETHING REALLY BIG AND WE ARE NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE
BLOW UP SOMETHING REALLY BIG
FLASHEART Ah, I see. Well, can't we at least have time to
make spiritual preparations?
VO:ORLON CMDR YOU HAVE ONE OF YOUR HOURS TO ENGAGE IN POINTLESS
REPRODUCTIVE ACTIVITY WITH CONSENTING LIFEFORMS
WITHIN YOUR REACH
Flasheart makes a motion to Tuud to turn off the mike.
FLASHEART Ensign, contact UNPLUG Central and inform them of our
situation. George, round up the ambassadors and
brief them on the situation. Chief, see if you can
build a makeshift force shield projector out of the
station's Pejorative TV antenna --
BLACKADDER (To himself) They really _are_ anal-retentive if
they insist on blowing up the station.
Blackadder has an epiphany.
BLACKADDER That's it! The Orlons blew up the planet when
its orbit was unstable. They live in dank, stuffy
underground hives, so they would find fresh smells
painful, and a _pine_scent_ would be positively
_fatal_. They're trying to provoke us into war,
with the Yarn carrying out copycat acts to fan
the flame so that they can get the chance to prove
what great allies they are! And, what all their feeble
attempts at sabotage failed to do, the mere utterance
of my accursed family name accomplished. (Sigh) I'm
going to be blown into little bits because there's not
enough emergency quiche to go around.
Deluxx, having caught Blackadder's soliloquy by standing quietly behind
him, moves forward and whispers in his ear.
DELUXX Psst! Ten out of ten. We have to leave -- now!
BLACKADDER I can't leave now! I'll be _shot_!
DELUXX You'd rather be blown up? Tell the commander you have
to go down to Pejor and get the Guy to mediate. He's so
distracted, he won't even notice that we could just as
easily contact her from here.
Blackadder ponders her suggestion for just a tick.
BLACKADDER -- You're _brilliant_! Even if we fail, I still
won't end up as blackened Blackadder crisps.
(To Flasheart) Commander, I'm going down to Pejor to
get the Guy to mediate.
FLASHEART -- umm, okay --
BLACKADDER (Surprised) And, additionally, sir, I'd like to
castrate you with a pair of dull, rusty scissors
and cauterize the resulting wound with a white-hot
plate of Mexican food, fresh from the kitchen.
FLASHEART -- sure, whatever --
BLACKADDER He really _is_ distracted! Let's go!
EXT. SPACE -- PEJOR
Establishing shot, linking to...
INT. PEJOR -- FIRST CATHEDRAL -- A SHORT TIME LATER
Main chamber of the First Cathedral of the Sock of Souls on Pejor.
A staircase spirals upward to a majestic double-door on the back
wall. Blackadder, carrying his extra sock, and Deluxx enter.
BLACKADDER So, will you tell me _now_ why you made me take
the sock?
DELUXX The Orlons prize its smell, and somehow they found
out we have it.
BLACKADDER They prize its smell? In that case, I'm surprised
they didn't threaten to blow up the entire quadrant
unless we handed over Garibaldric!
DELUXX It's also the only way we can elicit the Guy's
cooperation.
BLACKADDER Oh, I see. 'Excuse me, your holiness, but we
brought you a really _smashing_ smelly sock with
this really _huge_ hole, so now you're obligated
to help us.' Lock us up in the Pejorative loony
bin, more likely. Imagine, stuck in a room with
five hundred ravers all called 'Mad Gerald'.
DELUXX Edmund! That sock isn't just _any_ sock -- it's the
_real_ Sock of the Souls.
BLACKADDER No it isn't, I saw the vid about the previous Guy
who stole it.
DELUXX No, he stole and returned the _fake_ one we put
in its place.
BLACKADDER We? You and who else?
DELUXX You, of course, silly.
BLACKADDER Pardon me, but I think I'd remember stealing the
most holy of holies from the planet of the people
with the short fuses and the long memories. And
even if I didn't, _they_ would!
Deluxx turns around, facing Blackadder.
DELUXX No, you wouldn't. That's the blank spot in your
memory. So no one would suspect you. Well, almost
no one --
BLACKADDER -- You mean _YOU_ erased my memory --
DELUXX I would _never_ do anything that wasn't in your
best interest, Edmund.
BLACKADDER How would I know -- you could wipe my memory!
DELUXX There are telepaths _everywhere_. They can't read
Cardigans, but Earthmen are as transparent as -- you
know, that little outfit I wear sometimes --
BLACKADDER You mean you wiped my memory because my brain has
holes for the naughty bits to stick out?
DELUXX Sometimes you have such a _crude_ way of putting
things.
BLACKADDER Oh, and it's _not_crude_ when you scream 'I'm a hot
roasting turkey, baste me!' at the top of your lungs?
DELUXX Ssshh! We must summon the Guy.
Deluxx pulls a velvet rope which rings a bell. The double doors
swing open and Guy Edna walks out and descends the staircase (to
Dame Edna's 'Niceness' theme)
EDNA Hulloooo, Posssuuums! Let me guess, you've come
to confess -- your adulation for a poor old religious
mega-icon like m'self? Or, have you come to get
bonded and stop living in sin? Y'know, I used to
live in sin. Terrible place, near Esher.
DELUXX Your eminence, we need your help, and we've brought
an offering to persuade you of our sincerity.
EDNA Oh, you've brought me flowers?
DELUXX Better than flowers. Edmund, the sock.
Blackadder hands the sock to Guy Edna.
DELUXX We present you with the Sock of the Souls.
EDNA Now, you wouldn't be trying to pull my leg, would you?
DELUXX No, it is the _real_ Sock.
EDNA (In her patented patronizing tone of voice) How nice.
Now, I'm _sure_ you believe it's the real Sock,
but I must tell you, I get several _hundred_ socks
every day from people _just_like_you_. Donee, show our
visitors the socks!
Upstairs, Donee carries out a huge basket of socks. He stands at the top
of the staircase, about to take them down when a trap door opens beneath
him and he falls into a fountain below.
EDNA Oh dear, he seems to have triggered one of the
booby traps. I'm so sorry you had to see that.
You know, there are always groupies and hangers-on,
and we _can't_ be _too_ careful. That's why I have
all kinds of technology at my disposal to protect me
from (wide, warm smile) _you_, my adoring fans.
In any case, you can pick up an eight-by-ten
3-d autographed glossy of me in the lobby on your
way out. Thank you for stopping by --
DELUXX Wait, isn't there some _test_ which will prove that
that is the real sock?
EDNA Well, I suppose we can try it. You, (to Edmund)
stick your hand down here --
BLACKADDER I beg your pardon?
EDNA The sock, man, the sock!
Blackadder stuffs his hand into the sock.
INT. AVALON CONTROL
GARIBALDRIC Dr. George, I'm scared.
GEORGE I know how you feel.
GARIBALDRIC What about the commander? He doesn't look
scared.
Both look down.
GEORGE No, I suppose he looks...well, passed out, actually.
VO:ORLON CMDR YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES.
TUUD Hey, guys, has he recovered from the tranquilizer?
GEORGE Ah, umm, not yet, Major.
TUUD Figures. Chief, any luck on the force field?
Nobrain is literally engulfed in wires.
NOBRAIN What do _you_ think?
TUUD Of course.
Tuud walks over to her station, and pulls out a beautiful case, out
of which she pulls a nasty-looking old Earth gun.
TUUD Open a channel to the Orlons.
Tuud holds up the gun to the camera.
TUUD Orlon commander, see this? It's a Colt 45. It'll
blow a hole _clean_through_ a person. If you don't
back off, I'm going to kill _everybody_ here and
blow up the station. I'll deny you the opportunity
to do it yourselves.
VO:ORLON CMDR YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT
TUUD Oh, I'm sure that no one from UNPLUG would do it.
But I'm just a poor, obnoxious Pejorative, and I'm
used to doing crazy and hopeless things to get
attention.
VO:ORLON CMDR YOU ARE BLUFFING
TUUD Well, the question you have to ask yourself is,
'Do you feel lucky'? Well, do you, Commander?
Tuud smiles and rubs the side of the gun softly against her cheek.
She turns to find everyone else in Control cowering in a corner --
except, of course, the unconscious Flasheart.
INT. PEJOR -- FIRST CATHEDRAL
EDNA Now stick your fingers out of the hole.
BLACKADDER I am! But I don't see them poking out!
DELUXX Of course -- a sockhole into another dimension!
EDNA Well, I'll be an overexposed megastar -- it _is_
the _real_ sock!
Edna grabs Blackadder's earlobe.
EDNA Be still, I want to feel your lifeforce -- your 'Pyoochhh'.
BLACKADDER Sounds like you're coughing up a hairball.
EDNA Oh! Such a clean earlobe, so easy to read, too.
Of course! The Emissionary!
Edna lets go.
BLACKADDER That's what the Cardigan terrorist called me --
EDNA The Emissionary is prophesied of in our holy documents.
Well, in the 'Reader's Digest' version, anyway. You
were _destined_ to steal it -- to safeguard it for a
time -- and now, to discover its power and return it to
us. Take yer hand out of the sock.
A couple of voices emanate from inside the sock.
VOICE 1 Anybody want to play a game of baseball?
VOICE 2 If you build it, they will come.
Edna turns to the camera and screws up her mouth in her trademark
confused/repulsed expression.
INT. AVALON CONTROL -- A SHORT TIME LATER
Blackadder, Deluxx and Edna rush into Control. The rest of the staff,
Ambassador G'Whiz and Ambassador Light Mauve are already there,
laughing and partying.
BLACKADDER What's going on?
G'WHIZ Ah, PeptoBISmol, Constable. You missed all the
FUN.
MAUVE WHILE YOU WERE GONE -- THE ORLON COLLECTION WAS
AMBUSHED BY THE YARN REPUBLIC -- BOTH SIDES INCURRED
MAJOR LOSSES BUT UNPLUG OFFERED REBUILDING
ASSISTANCE --
G'WHIZ So we all signed a peace accord --
BLACKADDER -- with UNPLUG giving great choking wads of cash and
supplies to both sides to rebuild.
MAUVE EXACTLY
BLACKADDER That's what this whole thing was, all along. The Yarn
and the Orlons were bored, and you hatched a plot to
coerce UNPLUG into doling out foreign aid. I just
have one question.
FLASHEART What is it?
BLACKADDER Where's my cut?
Everybody laughs and George hands Blackadder a couple of bars of
precious metal.
BLACKADDER Ahh, goldless pratinum. The single easiest way to
legally extort cash out of UNPLUG Central and I didn't
think of it. My dear Deluxx, I must be losing my wits.
DELUXX Why don't we go back to my quarters and let me help
you find them?
BLACKADDER Ummmm, okay.
FADE OUT.
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THE END