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generator: pandoc
title: 'How I''ve Been Doing Lately'
viewport: 'width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0, user-scalable=yes'
---
2018-07-25T00:12:04+10:00
Hello everyone!
A few people sent me emails after I left my email address on a post. It
seems people actually do read and access my blog! This is very strange
for me, because for the longest time I have been very ignored on the
internet.
I have been doing mostly very well in terms of my mental health lately,
and it probably showed in the lack of blog updates I made for maybe a
week or two -- I suppose the more depressed or anxious I am, the more
likely I am to actually post on my blog. That's probably why I'm posting
now. Maybe it's not entirely true. I have been spending a lot of time on
the Fediverse lately, using the ActivityPub implementation Twitter clone
'Mastodon'.
The people on the Fediverse are very, very supportive and empathetic.
When I go to post about my problems on that part of the internet, people
are always coming up with suggestions and potential solutions to my
problems. I feel like I have made some great friends on Mastodon, and I
really enjoy using it.
I have been applying for a lot of Apprenticeships in cabinetmaking and
automotive mechanical servicing and repairs. I have had 5 interviews
over the last week. The first round of interviews that I had for the big
auto dealership Trevitt was very exciting, and I thought it was very
successful. I was invited to have a second interview at their Land Rover
and Jaguar workshop this Tuesday just past, but it didn't go so well. I
don't think I did very well, and I don't think the people who
interviewed me were very impressed. This made me feel quite deflated,
but I had to push on and have a Branch Committee Meeting of my party
that evening, so I went ahead and didn't really think about how I was
disappointed until right now, when I should be sleeping.
My sleeping has been mostly terrible. I have incredibly bad insomnia at
night, probably caused by the fact that I use my laptop in bed. I sleep
during the day, mostly. I am my most active and productive between the
hours 10pm and 4am. I have usually been getting to bed at 3.30am most
regularly. I feel very excited at night, and it feels like I can work on
whatever I want to without being distracted. I wish I could sleep
according to a more normal schedule, but no matter how much I try and
lay in my bed with no electronics, I simply cannot sleep and I feel so
incredibly restless and bored, so I start using my computer and surfing
the internet for interesting stories and research.
My PhD thesis feels like a terrible burden right now, and I really feel
like the project has been ruined for me, now that I have to do another
semester with no scholarship. I suppose it really is my fault for not
being finished on time, but I wish my supervisor had communicated more
with me. I really do feel terrible about the whole thing, and I honestly
feel pathetic, useless, and a morally corrupt person whenever I think
about my PhD.
My Dad remarked that it seemed like I didn't have much passion for the
project anymore, but that's not really true. I feel like someone is
standing over me now and is dictating to me what the content of the
thesis has to be in order for it to be good. It feels like it doesn't
really belong to me anymore, even though it is solely I who must do the
work. I want to explore and say things that are important to me, and I
foolishly thought that university was the place that I could do that. It
honestly isn't true. University is a terrible place where you have to
say things that the ruling class would find acceptable.
I suppose what I really want to be is a programmer, but I cannot be that
straightaway. I need to finish my PhD first, and then go and do another
three or four years at university. This is a list of things I would
really like to do with my life / have a career in:
- Program interesting things in Lisp
- Create long-range wireless internet networks
- Make hackable computers
- Make discrete transistor computers
- Allow more people to have access to computers and the internet
- Be paid by my party to be an organiser
- Perhaps be a cabinetmaker or an auto mechanic, and fix and build
interesting things.
My mood has been much worse after feeling deflated by that not-so-great
interview. I need to find a job doing something. I think I will spend
some time applying for some jobs I could take up a little more
immediately tomorrow. You never know though, I could have a phone call
soon, and I could have a job.
I can't seem to do what I really want anymore. People are always
standing in the way telling me what to do, and how to do things. I want
to be creative and develop myself. I don't know how to do that. It was
suggested to me on Mastodon that I should make connections with people
and find like-minded people who share my passions. I suppose I should do
that. I have been working on so many things on my own for so long and
have not really been getting anywhere. I wish I was more successful. I
really feel like a bit of a loser and a no-hoper when things don't go
well for me straightaway.
Anyway, as always, my email is vidak\@riseup.net. Feel free to email me
about anything.