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|| The Key And I ||
|| OR ||
|- My Travels in the Sky, and What I Found There -|
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||by Padre Martini, Archdukebishop of West Texas ||
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<v___ _._ ___/___._\__ . /______.__\__\___ _/__v>
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One night, while I did | . | sleep, a strange Messenger came
and spoke to me. He said "Thou | | art summoned for a high Purpose,
and are to meet with our master | . | that he may converse with you."
To which I Replied, "Who am I | | that High Ones summon me to do
their Bidding?" He said, "Do not|\ .| question. Simply come with me, and
all things shall be explained | \ | unto you in due Time." And he did
give me a strange Key, upon | \ | which was carven strange Letters
that I was not priviliged to be | \| able to read. I took the Key, and
placed the Chain upon which it | | hung about my neck, so that I might
not lose it, and that I would | . | always have it, for clearly it was
Something Important. |.__ |
Then the strange messenger did || || take the Likeness of Bob Hope, yet
with Wings, he took me by the ||__|| hand and we did Fly out of my
window, into the cold sky beyond \__/ that which I know as Home.
After a time of flying, he bade me to look down upon the Earth, and
tell him what I saw. And I became afraid, for the Earth was far below me.
And I said,
"The land is like unto a great Field, and the oceans are as an
immense Sea.." We flew higher, and he bade me to look again. I looked, and
quaked, for the Earth was truly Far Below, and I said, "Oh, return me to my
home, for the Land is no larger than a child's Sandbox, and the Oceans have
become no larger than Lakes."
To this he replied, "Do not Fear. A Grand Purpose calls you. You will
not serve this purpose well if you fall to the Ground."
When we had flown for about an hour, he bade me to look ahead, for our
destination was in View. I did look, and my eyes stood agape with wonder,
for I did perceive a great Castle, firmly anchored onto an Island, the
whole of which floated in the Sky in the same way that Castles and Islands
are not supposed to float.
And I was Illuminated in that moment, for I Knew what this Castle was.
It was Truly the Island of Laputa, of Swift had written of in _Gulliver's
Travels_. I had enjoyed the book as a child, and now, I felt as a child
Again, for I was traveling to visit Laputa, the Castle in the Sky.
We reached the Castle, and alighted upon one of the many balconies
that were there. My guide's wings folded, and he did assume the Likeness
of Spike Dykes. We walked through a great Door, carven with the same letters
as were on my Key about my neck. I became Curious as to the nature of the
strange letters.
"Master, these letters, their aspect is strange to me. Pray tell,
what do they say?"
He replied, "All will be Explained to you in Good Time."
I was led into a gargantuan Hall. At one end, was a Door, similar in
aspect to the one I had first seen, and at the other end, was a large
table, spread with many dishes and Foods I did not know of. A tall man
was seated alone at the table (though it was clearly set for many more),
and he beckoned me to come and sit at the table with him. I did so, and
we began to speak.
We talked of many things, of how the World below us was becoming
devoured by Seriousness, of how People were becoming Slaves and Sheep
because they dared not to be Different, and of the Flatness of the Earth.
As we talked, we ate from the food upon the Table. And as we ate, more
strange people and Beings came to the Table to feast with us. I recognized
my Guide among them, as well as many famous people who spent their lives at
keeping Seriousness and Conformity at bay.
I learned that they were now allowing me to become one of their Number.
A great crowd dedicated to Fun, Illumination, and Enjoyment of Life to
its fullest, lest the Twin Demons of Seriousness and Conformity take over
the World Below and make all People upon it their Slaves. This Floating
Castle was at Once their Freehold and their Fortress, in which many of
them made their Home.
When we had finished feasting, the table was cleared, and all left
but the Tall Man and myself. He told me to call him Radamanthus. We
left the table, and did go into another Room that was empty except for
a great White Door.
"Behind that Door," he said, "lies all the Secrets that our number
have been using to combat Seriousness. You will now be given a chance
to learn from them. Take the Key that you wear about your Neck, and Open
the Great Door with it."
I did remove the Key from my neck, and examining the Door, I found
a Keyhole. I placed the Key into the Keyhole and opened the Door. I was
shocked by the immediate wave of Coldness that came from inside the Great
Refrigerator. I gritted my teeth and gazed into the Bright Light.
My Mind was then Filled with Strange Ideas, so many that I could not
take them All in. Many I did not Understand, many I did. But I did Learn
the Grand Purpose---
<Text Missing. We don't know what Padre Martini did with this bit. Maybe
one day, we'll corner him and beat him with a wet noodle until he gives
us the rest of the book.>
And I did hold in my hand a Can, like unto the type for storing Ham
and Sardines. Radamanthus bade me again to use the Key, saying,
"Take again your Key, open the Can, and take out What is Inside."
This I did, and the Can was Opened to reveal a strange Pinkish Mass.
"Take That Which you found Inside," said Radamanthus, "and cast it
into the Flames beside you, that it may be eaten."
I did so, and after a time, the pinkish meat began to sizzle and give
off an aroma that did make my mouth water.
"Now," he said, "take it out of the Flames that we might eat of it,
and you shall see even more Truths and Secrets."
I did so again, reaching into the Flames for the Meat. And my hand
was not Burned, but Protected by an Unknown Force. I took the Meat out,
and carved it into pieces. Radamanthus and I then partook of what I came
to know as SPAM, and my Mind was Opened to even more Truths. And I Under-
stood, and was Illuminated.
Yet one Secret was still Kept from me and my newfound Knowledge, so I
put my Question to Radamanthus, hoping that he Knew the Answer.
"But does the Great Light go out when the Great White Door to the
Refrigerator is closed?" I asked.
To which Radamanthus did not reply, but instead smiled and struck me
on the Head with his Great Key. Darkness spun about me, and I awoke to
find myself in my own Bed, clutching the Key.
-----Padre Martini
Archdukebishop of West Texas
Holy Order of the Sirius Connection