💾 Archived View for gemini.spam.works › mirrors › textfiles › uploads › kill_parents.txt captured on 2020-10-31 at 01:22:10.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
HOW TO KILL YOUR PARENTS
THE COMPLETE GUIDE
BY: DizzIE ?1999
THE BORING DISCLAIMER:
Here's the usual legal shit: I am not responsible for anything you do with the info presented here. It is for informatianl and perhaps humor purposes only. In other word s you can't tell the judge that I influenced you to kill your parents. Thanks to the first amendment and the freedom of speech I can write about anything, hehe. So go ahead and read, for "informational" purposes only though.
THE INTRODUCTION:
Everybody wants to kill their parents at some point in their life. If you never wanted to kill your parents why the fuck are you reading this?
Below are some nice simple and creative ways to kill your parents, but first if you are a little bit unsure whether to kill your parents or not or you just need a good motive to give to Mr.Sheriff here are some reasons to kill your parents (or things your parents do that piss you off):
? They annoy you
? They embarrass you
? They piss you off
? They ground you
? They attempt to limit your freedoms (like no tv or no computer)
? They starve you (like if you get grounded and are sent up to your room without dinner)
? They overfeed you forcing you to eat until your stomach bursts and blood starts gushing out your mouth?
? They bug you about your grades
? They are bosey and ignorant
? They hit you
? They drink booze themselves but wont let you have any
? Etc?etc?etc?
Now that you have a motive or two (or three, or four) here are the actual killing methods:
ELECTROCUTION:
This method is usually used on the female parent(s) also know as "the mom." When your mom is taking a bath bring your sterio into the bathroom and plug it in, if the bitch asks you what the hell you are doing tell her to fuck off and then just drop the sterio (that's plugged in and turned on) in to the bathtub. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
UPS: Your mom will die quickly and almost soundlessly.
DOWNS: You have to see your mom nude, not very pleasant unless you like that sort of thing. You have to get a new sterio. Dead cooked corpses don't smell all that great?
SHOOTING:
This is a pretty simple consept even for all of you high school dropouts. All you need is a gun, some ammo (DUH, what did you think?) and a silencer, or something else to muffle the noise, like a pillow. However you don't need a silencer if you live in a remote area like Australia (yes that was a joke). Then once you have all the stuff just sneak up behind your parents and shoot them in the heart or the neck, or for all of you sadistic bastards shoot them in the head multiply times (hehe). Also, if you want to make your parents sad, wait until they turn around and see you and then shoot them in the leg first so you can see them suffer.
UPS: This method will absolutly kill your parents unless you are a REALLY bad shot.
DOWNS: Someone might hear you (shoot the gun off). Or someone might hear your parents screaming.
CHOKING:
The best time to choke your parents is when they are sleeping, unless you are really strong and can overpower them while they are awake. So, assuming your parents are asleep you need to sneak into their bedroom and handcuff/tie them to the bed/bedframe/, making sure they can't move. Then all you have to do is either put plastic bags over their heads (making sure there are no holes in the bags) and tie the bags with ropes around their necks so they can't take them off. Also for extra silence tape their mouths shut with electrical tape before putting on the plastic bags. There are also a variety of other ways to choke your parents like put a pillow over their heads, put them in an air tight room?
UPS: This is a really silent method, unless you screw up ofcourse.
DOWNS: Your parents can wake up while you are handcuffing them?leading to all sorts of explaining to do and possibly psychiatric hospitalization for you?Just tell them they told you to do it in school or something like that.
SCARING:
This method usually only works if your parents are really old, have a bad heart, take heart medication or have a weak nervous system. If your parents have all of the above I am really surprised that they aren't dead yet. All you have to do is wait around a corner until your mom and/or dad comes and then jump out and scream "BOO!" or "AAAAGH!" You'll be surprised how often this works ;).
UPS: If this method works your parents will die right away without any noise.
DOWNS: Your parents might not actually die but just pass out, so make sure to chop off their heads as soon as they are unconsious or "dead." If you don't have an axe (no home is complete without one) then you can just jump on top of your parents' head with your two feet. But make sure your wearing nice heavy boots.
POISONING:
This method can be easy or hard. This mostly depends on you and how high your obsession with perfectionism is. If your level is high then you'll need to find your self some cyanide or other popular high class poison. Try asking Dr.Kevorkian (I'm still trying to find his fone #). Anyway, once you get the cyanide or whatever put it in your parents' food, then make sure they swallow it. If they do they'll be dead in no time (well in about 5 minutes actually). If you don't want to shell out the dough for the cyanide all you have to do is put some draino or another oven cleaner/drain cleaner in your parents' food. As soon as they eat it they will start gagging and if your parents have any brains at all (you'll be surprised how many actually do) they will try to reach for the fone to dial 911 or your grandma's house to tell her (the grandma or the 911 operator) that they (your parental units) are dying. So what you need to do is make sure that the fone is unplugged.
Coming back to cyanide for a moment here's an interesting fact I found out not too long ago: apple seeds have a small percentage of cyanide in them. So what you can do is get about 200 apple seeds toss them in a blender add some ice cream and milk, mix it all up and then tell your mommy or daddy it's a great health milk shake you just found out about. This works even better if your parents are health food phreaks.
Another poisoning technique is to get some poison mushrooms and if your parents are cooking something with mushrooms put in the poison ones too. You can also give your parents stuff that they are allergic to, like if they are allergic to spicy stuff put some red pepper in their salad or whatever. If they are lactose-intolerant 9can't eat milk products) put some cheese in their spaghetti. Just remember to unplug the fone so your parents can't call anybody.
UPS: If you used the cyanide method(s) your parents will die for share in about 5 minutes unless they start sticking 2 fingers down their throats and barfing it all up, (but we can prevent that by chopping off their fingers, can't we?
DOWNS: Sometimes if you feed your parents stuff they are allergic to, they will might not actually die but they will experience some great discomforts that can be really fun to watch.
BOOBY TRAPS:
There is a shitload of booby traps you can make. There is also a shitload of booby trap how-to philes out there in the great underground. So I wont get into all of those electrical and mechanical traps because there are enough places that have them allready. Just keep in mind that the basic principle is to wire something so when your parents open a door or something or turn on a light it completes the circuit and blows them (your parents) up. Anyway, here is a nice quick simple trap I came up with one fine day. All you need is a hammer (a real one, not one of those shitty play-skool plastic ones). If you don't have a hammer you can either a) go and steal one, b) use a heavy rock, or c) use another heavy object. So once you get your hammer you need a door that opens inwards (into the room) (if your parents are going into the room), or a door that opens outwards (out of the room) (if your parents are coming out of the room. Once you find the right door balance the hammer or the rock on top of the door. Letting part of it rest on the wall next to the door. So now when your parents open the door the hammer or rock will fall on their heads and crush their skull instantly (making a cool crunch sound like the one in all of those old crunch commercials).
UPS: If this method works your parents will die instantly and soundlessly (except for the crunch sound, hehe).
DOWNS: Sometimes if your parents have a really thick skull this method will not kill them but give them a concussion. So as soon as they are unconcious and you think they are dead jump on their head or use the hammer to whack them a couple of times, like those arcade games where you hit the gators or the groundhogs. Also when jumping on their heads wear those mountain climbing boots with spikes on the bottom for extra fun!
DEPRESSION/SUICIDE:
First of all I want YOU to memorize something: depression = suicide. Remember that scientific formula. This method usually takes some planning and some patience too. Now what you do is leave a suicide note pinned to the fridge saying soemthing like this:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Thanks for making life such a hell for such a hell for me. You made me realize that life is not worth living anymore so I should just end it all right now. I am sick and tired of your yelling and arguing with me. I just can't take all that shit anymore. I can't stand living with you and I can't stand YOU! Therefore, I feel that this is the only way out, so I decided to
(pick a suicide method or add one of your own)
a) go to the ocean and drown
b) Jump of a __________ (write in the name of a high place in your area, like a hill or something.
So thank you once again dear mother and father for making me realize how shity/unkind/cold/mean the world is. If it wasn't for you I would still be alive in this fucked-up world.
p.s. By the time you read this I will allready be free (dead) so don't bother looking for my body.
Sincerely your dead son/daughter,
_________ ( sign your name)
The main focus point in the letter is to make them feel responsible for your death. This letter will create an even stronger effect on your parents if you just had a big fight the night before with them. Also don't forget to write the letter by hand so they will know it's genuine.
Once you finish writing the letter and you put it in a visible spot you'll need to find a place to hide out in for a while, like a treehouse. Just make sure you have plenty of food and water (about a week's worth because it usually doesn't take more than a week for your parents to snap). Then if you are lucky your parents will soon decide life isn't worth living without their child and kill themselves, (if you are not the only child kill your brother(s) and/or sister(s) and add their signatures to the suicide note above). Now if you hear a gunshot or 2 in the next couple of days it means you have succeded and your mission is accomplished. I you don't hear a gunshot it could mean that your parents chose a different way to die or that you need to take more drastic measures.
So what you do is late at night or early in the morning (around 2-3 am, or whenever your parents are asleep) dress up in pale white clothing, make your skin paler by using make up bought at a costume/art/prank store or sprinkle some flour all over yourself. Also darken your eyes by using eyeliner or whatever and smear some ketchup around yourself to represent blood. Then go to your parents' bedroom and start saying in a low and slow voice, "Join me mommy and daddy, join me, it's lonely here. I'm sad and I'm alone. It's very very cold." Do this repeatedly for a week or so and it will definetly drive your parents "over the edge."
UPS: This method is really fun to try and it gives you a chance to mess with your parents' heads, not to mention you get to practice your acting skills.
DOWNS: This method takes a little while, so like I said you need to have patience. Another downer is that your parents might insist on looking for your body so they can give little Johny a proper funeral. So what you have to do is order a human corpse from the a science/biology catalog or get one (steal one in layman's terms) from the local morgue.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF THE BODIES
Ok, so you've finally killed your parents, but now you have 2 corpses lying around in the living room. Not exactly the furnishing style you were going for? Well here are a couple of ways you can get rid of those 2 dead things in your house:
? Drag them outside and dump them in the dumpster. Just make sure you pile some trash bags over them so they are not noticeable.
? If you are to weak to do the above method you should start working out, but for now you can chop the bodies into decent size pieces with a nice ax or butcher knife. Then put the pieces in a plastic bag, then put the plastic bag in a brown bag, then close the brown bag, then toss the bags into the dumpster. Or you can eat the meat if you are into that sort of thing.
? Toss the bodies into the ocean, when the tide is leaving.
? Bury the bodies in your backyard. Just make sure you bury them deep enough (the standard 6 feet should do just fine). You can also plant some flowers over the "graves" to disguise it as a garden.
Well that's the end of this phile look for other philez by me wherever you got this one.
ps. Email me all your threats at xcon0@yahoo.com or you can even fax me at 1-559-663-4067
Tootles everyone
-DIzzIE