💾 Archived View for zaibatsu.circumlunar.space › ~krixano › phlog › 012120_ReactionsAndLife.txt captured on 2020-09-24 at 01:35:10.
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In my lifetime, I have had to deal with a lot of different things. Hopefully, this brief background can give some perspective on how I look at different things, and why my reaction may be the way it is. Firstly, I have two biological siblings. My brother has Ulcerative Colitis, and I have Psoriasis. I am slightly blind - I need glasses for near-sightedness. With that out of the way, I will talk about my family structure. My father had a previous relashionship with 2 kids - my half-siblings. They broke up and the mother had a separate relationship where she had a kid - my half-siblings' half-sibling - my (eventually) adopted brother. Of course my "father" then had a relationship with my mother and had us three. Later on (not to long after), my mother adopted my half-siblings and both my mother and "father" adopted their half-sibling. My father was verbally and emotionally abusive, and inching towards physically abusive. While I was in 4th grade, an event happened that would change everything - my mother called the police. They kept my "father" I think in jail for a little while. Eventually, there was an investigation, where people were talking to us in school. Our parents told us to say things that made it seem like things were fine at home. I did so, but my older brothers, thankfully, did not. Later on, my "father" left - he had also taken the credit cards - and never came back. He would eventually charge a bunch of stuff on the credit cards, which we couldn't pay for, and now my mother still owes a lot of money for them. About my older siblings. They were constantly causing trouble. Expecially my half-sister and my adopted brother. Events that I can remember: 1.) My step sister deliberately put pins stuck into the bottom so the point is on the top, in a rug so that my mother would step on them when she entered the room. My younger brother was there when she did step on the rug - I was not. 2.) There was a nail put in my mother's Ramen Noodle, which my sister made for her. 3.) What would probably qualify as sexual abuse to most people, by my step-sister and adopted brother. 4.) My adopted brother had a hit list with my mother's name at the top. 5.) My adopted brother got very aggresive and physical many times. One time included punching the bus driver on our way to school for soemthing very little. This is what eventually led him to go to the boys and girls home. 6.) My adopted brother has said he will kill me at least one time that I can remember. A few years after my "father" left, my mother got a new boyfriend. He was fine. Eventually they broke up. Not too much longer, my mother connected with an old friend. They eventually started a relationship - that led to moving in, and then comes the step-siblings. One of the step-siblings we had already known for one year - she was bullying my half-sister and me. She was a trouble maker in school. It's similar for the other step-sibling. There are 5 step-siblings in total (actually 6, but we have never seen him - and that's an interesting story in and of itself). We also knew 1 other step-sibling from Elementary school - she would bully me and my younger brother (we are only 1 year apart) in elementary school. Everything worked out alright - although my half-sister and step-sister never got along too well. A few years past, my step-sister moves out with her boyfriend I believe. Later on we eventually find out that she told many people we kicked her out. She eventually connects with her mother - the mother that wouldn't talk to them for approximately 5 years at least. Judging from what I have been told by my step-father, thier mother was abusive to their father. She cheated on him with more than one of his friends. Later on, we find out my step-sister cheated on her boyfriend with multiple people. She eventually had another boyfriend. She mistread this boyfriend too. She cheated on him, accused him of abuse which led to all the people where she worked - at Wallmart - to not let him into the store. We later find out she told our other step-sister (not talked about previously yet) that she lied. When they broke up, he went to stay with our other step-sister. They were aweful to him. They ended up telling him he had to leave, but wouldn't let him get his stuff unless they were there, they were pretty much never there - so I suspect they wanted to steal his stuff or something idk. I think one of my brothers helps get his stuff eventually - and we let him stay here. Of course that didn't go over well with both step-sisters. This boyfriend just got here from a whole different state (Georgia -> Iowa) and we felt we couldn't just leave him with no place to sleep in an entirely new state/city. Fast-forward some years, the boyfriend went back to georgia, we don't speak to any of the step-siblings anymore - they've mistreated us far too often. It's the start of 2018. We find out my step-father has cancer. Later on, we find out my aunt's mother has cancer. A couple other people of the family are also sick. I take an internship in the summer. Aside from that, it was a somewhat uneventful summer. Nearing the end of the summer, I can't remember the exact order of the events, but we find out my step-father's step-father (who has had cancer multiple times before) is sick and is being put on hospice. He eventually dies. Previously, our step-sister (the one who has cheated on her boyfriends) had a baby with someone at least twice her age. We know that she was being very careless with her baby, not feeding it enough, doing drigs near the baby, not holder her baby with the excuse that she wants her to be independent. During 2018, we find out the baby was killed - she bad broken back, broken legs, and bruises all over. Our step-sister intentionally kept the details quiet, she deleted her facebook not long after. There likely was an investigation - we don't know what came of it. But we do know that her boyfriend at the time was put in jail for drugs - but he took the fall for her. Near the beginning of the fall term in 2018, I was not well mentally. I didn't do almost any of my school homework (aside from a couple of classes). My anxiety increased a lot that term, to the point where I was scared/anxious to go to certain classes so I skipped them, to the point where even being late 5 mins would cause me not to go to class. I didn't have many friends at school (I still don't), and the 3 that I do have I didn't talk to aside from passing by them. In 2017, us 3 did a coding competition. I didn't want to go this year. I was exhausted from everything, I didn't want to do anything besides watch tv shows to escape everything. My latest poem was written at that time. So, I've had to deal with manipulative people, liars, abusive people, self-centered people, violent people, all my life. I've had to deal with bullies about my skin/disease, about what people thought my sexuality was, bullies to my family, expecially my mother, all my life. I've had to deal with some mental problems - feeling like I can't do this, feeling like I want everything to be done, beating myself up for things, feeling aweful about myself for being called multiple things, being misunderstood, feeling scared or dreadful at school and at home, feeling angry at everyone. Feeling like I've failed at school, feeling like I wasn't good enough or smart enough. Feeling very unsure about myself, feeling like I can't reveal certain parts about myself in this world. This leads me to something else... why I may react to certain things online the way that I do. I've seen enough bullying to other people my whole life, I've had enough bullying done to me my whole life. If I see even the slightest hint of disrespect towards someone else, I'll call that person out. If I get disrespect from someone else directly, I sometimes call them out. I don't put up with people online because I can actually stand up for myself and especially other people online. You don't need strength, you don't need to be outgoing, you just need words. If you are being rude to other people, I'm gonna call you out on it. If you are being snarky, I'm gonna call you out on it. If you are being disrespectful, even if implicitly, I'm gonna call you out on it. It doesn't matter if to me or to someone else. If you're new or old. If you're a friend or not. I challenge people's thoughts. I challenge the way people view other people. I've seen enough bashing of people online - I don't put up with that. A lot of times I'll try to ignore it because it's just not worth it to respond. *But* if it's directly to another person, I back them up, regardless of the actual argument involved and whether they are wrong or not. I see a hint of "ad hominem" towards another person, I call them out for it. This is where I think the internet has failed. You may have freedom of speech, that