💾 Archived View for kvothe.one › gemlog › 2020-09-05.gmi captured on 2020-09-24 at 00:47:53. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Devine Lu Linvega wrote in a toot yesterday:
begin by choosing a name that can serve as a reminder of where you're going.
https://merveilles.town/@neauoire/104810142175492516
Something dislodged in my brain and a name I had been given, once forgotten, has bubbled up to the surface.
Last year, I took the three refuges, became a Buddhist, and was given a refuge name. It was this name that resurfaced yesterday.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refuge_(Buddhism)
Names are powerful things. They serve as reminders of who you were, of who you are, and of who you want to be. They can be contextual. For example, I am "kvothe" here and another name to my coworkers.
Most of my names have been given to me. One I chose myself, as a sort of joke that stuck in high school. Sometimes someone who knew me back then will call me by it and memories come flooding back. Good ones, of course, but ones from times past.
I am not sure that I have ever chosen or had a name that I felt encompassed my identity sufficiently. I have had plenty that remind me of the past. My refuge name is intended to remind me of the future, but I feel it does not fit that role well.
I am no ascetic and cannot muster the discipline necessary to mold myself into the ideal that I feel it represents.
Sometimes I feel that Buddhism teeters on the edge of nihilism. Paradoxically, a lot of the things that bring me joy are seen as an escape from being present. I am a tinkerer and delight in losing myself in the process of creation. Perhaps it is an escape after all. I am not sure.
A lot of the Buddhist precepts are borne of intent. As an example, there is a prohibition on intoxicants, yet many Buddhists I have known enjoy a glass of wine from time to time. Thus, it is not the wine but the intoxication and the seeking of intoxication that causes suffering and is to be avoided.
In a sense, one could get lost in tinkering in the same way that one could get lost in intoxicants. Thus, tinkering can be form of escapism depending on intent.
Somewhere, in all of this, there is a middle way between the extremes of escapism and asceticism. My identity and my personality ebbs and flows between these and I'm self-aware enough to recognize that restricting this tidal back-and-forth is, itself, a source of suffering for me.
Perhaps this realization is the seedling of a chosen name.
Until next time, be well!
kvothe.