From: hanssgen@ira.uka.de (Stefan Haenssgen) Date: 18 Dec 91 14:53:37 GMT Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Computer Songs & Poems Collection follows in 5 parts Merry Xmas! This is the COMPUTER SONGS COLLECTION V1.0, containing songs and poems about computers. I've split the text into five parts because some hosts don't like long postings (crash goes the system :-). The parts all start with "***BEGIN PART ***" and end with (you guessed) "***END PART ***" so it should be no problem to extract the original. Comments (e.g. further information concerning authors, titles etc) and new contributions are always welcome. Please mail them to hanssgen@ira.uka.de - don't post them to a.f.c. since I don't read this group regularily. And here's the list of titles, for a quick overview: 0x0d2c A Better Model A is for Apple Addicted To Vi The Alternative Wall Another Glitch in the Call Another One A Time for DWIM BBN Superlisp Berkeley 4.3 Boot It Both Ways, Now The Boys of HP CRASH! goes the System CRAY-S's coolant Cycles For Nothing The Day Bell System Died The Disks of UNIX Don't Call From Home Don't Have a Conniption Emacs Wizard Every Cycle is Sacred Fork()ing on a Sun Friend of the System Gateway To Heaven HACKADU The Hacker Song The HACTRN I Could Have Tooled All Night I'm Typing Backwards for Christmas I Want a New Bug I am the very model of a Genius Computational Into the Tube JES The mighty system Just remember that you're flying o'er a disk pack.... Lambda Bound Leavin' Fed'ral Express Little PC The Maven My Favorite Hacks Mr. Bossman My Data are Over the Ocean My Favourite Things Please Release Me Ode to Amy (or: The Frontend Shuffle) PLIate's Dream The Programmer's Blues Puff the Fractal Dragon Rawhide SIGHUP Blues Software for Nothing Socket Man Song of the Certified Data Processor The Sound of FORTRAN The Sounds of Silence The Star Wars Song Structured Programmer's Soliloquy The Swapper Take me Down to the SunLab Tap My Wire That was the HASP my friend The 12 computerised days of Xmas These are are a Few of Our Favorite Machines Treekiller UNIBUS UNIX Unix Man Unix Wizard VAX Raphosdy Waiting for The Sun The Wall 2 What is a Hacker? When I was a lad When you try to get work from the data network The Worm before Christmas Write in C OK, that's all folx... Enjoy! Stefan -- ,-----,------,--,--, / / / / / Stefan Haenssgen, Comp Sci, Uni Karlsruhe, Germany / ---/-, ,-/ / / / / / / / / haenssgen@ira.uka.de or uk0w@dkauni2.bitnet /--- / / / / / / / / / / / / / "Use the SOURCE, Luke!" (Return of the RedEye Nights) '-----' '--' '--'--' "I feel a great disturbance in the SOURCE" From: hanssgen@ira.uka.de (Stefan Haenssgen) Date: 18 Dec 91 14:55:26 GMT Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Computer Songs & Poems [part 1/5] ***BEGIN PART 1*** COMPUTER SONGS ============== (Song and poem parodies with computer related subjects) collected & reformatted by Stefan Haenssgen The entries are formatted as follows, seperated by "@"s : Title : The title of the parody Original : The title of the original Group : The one(s) who performed the original Author : Author of the parody Info : Additional Comments by the Author Song : The Parody itself I'd like to thank the following people for their contributions (in alphabetical order) Nelson Bishop Tony Duell Axel Eble Uli Fraus Andreas Gustafsson Evan Kirshenbaum Adrian Mariano Ove Ruben R Olsen Boas Simon Ignatios Souvatzis Russell Street The Unknown User Martin Welk Alan Winston And here we go: @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : 0x0d2c Original : ? Group : ? Author : Bill Mitchell Intro : Song : 0x0d2c ------ May all your signals trap May your references be bounded All memory aligned Floats to ints be rounded Remember.... Nonzero is TRUE ++ adds one Arrays start with [0] NULL points to none For octal use zero 0x means in hex use = to set and == for a test Use -> for a pointer a dot if it's not ?: is confusing use this a lot a.out is your program there's no 'u' in foobar and char (*(*x())[])() is a function returning a pointer to an array of pointers to functions returning a char @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : A Better Model Original : A Modern Major-General Group : Gilbert and Sullivan Author : Steven Levine at Apollo Computer Intro : Song : A Better Model ============== by Steven Levine at Apollo Computer Submitted by "Spam" Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General" by Gilbert and Sullivan I've built a better model than the one at Data General For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. Chorus: His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting, His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting, His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting. I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. Cho: Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral He's built a better model than the one at Data General. The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal; At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal; While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean, At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in. Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort; The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort. All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well; And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell? Cho: And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell? And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell? And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell? By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive. In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. Cho: In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral He's built a better model than the one at Data General. In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter, When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter, When I can point to registers and keep their current map around, And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound, When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering, And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering, When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate, You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate. Cho: You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate, You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate, You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate. Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively, But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral, I've built a better model than the one at Data General. Cho: But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral, He's built a better model than the one at Data General. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : A is for Apple Original : A is for Apple Group : Traditional Author : Douglas Spencer Intro : Song : A is for Apple by Douglas Spencer Computer Systems Administrator, Anderman and Co Ltd A is for APPLE who sent us our Macs, D is for DEC, and they sold us a Vax. C is the language in which we write source, and B is our sort, which is BROKEN, of course. E is an ERROR when code is compiled, F is a FORK for creating a child, G is the GETTY that sits on the line, and H is a HANGUP whic:^?{^Zo^?{bD^]NO CARRIER I is the INTERCONNECTION of kit, J is the JOY when the cables all fit. K is for KERMIT, to copy a file, and L are the LINES that we drop all the while. M is the MODEM we use from our home, N are the NIGHTS which we spend on the 'phone, O is the OUTPUT we get from the host, and P are the 'PHONE BILLS we get in the post. Q for SIGQUIT makes our process abort, R is the REASON sigquit should be caught. S is the SIGNAL we catch and ignore, and T is the TRAP which we miss, and dump core. U is for UNIX -- I hope that is clear, V is the VISUAL editor here. W stands for the WINDOWS we use, and X for the windowing system we choose. Y is for YACC, quite a specialist tool, Z for the snores from the programming pool. Written while waiting while dinner was cooking @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Addicted To Vi Original : Addicted To Love Group : Robert Palmer Author : Chuck Musciano Intro : After thinking about that poor wretch who has become addicted to vi, I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer. As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously. Song : Addicted To Vi (with apologies to Robert Palmer) You press the keys with no effect, Your mode is not correct. The screen blurs, your fingers shake; You forgot to press escape. Can't insert, can't delete, Cursor keys won't repeat. You try to quit, but can't leave, An extra "bang" is all you need. You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're gonna have to face it; You're addicted to vi! You edit files one at a time; That doesn't seem too out of line? You don't think of keys to bind-- A meta key would blow your mind. H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed? Expressions must be a Joy! Just press "f", or is it "t"? Maybe "n", or just "g"? Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're gonna have to face it; You're addicted to vi! Might as well face it, You're addicted to vi! You press the keys without effect, Your life is now a wreck. What a waste! Such a shame! And all you have is vi to blame. Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"-- Oh yeah? You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die You know you're gonna have to face it; You're addicted to vi! Might as well face it, You're addicted to vi! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : The Alternative Wall Original : The Wall Group : Pink Floyd Author : ? Intro : Here's a set of pseudosongs which is the result of several long drunken nights talking on a bulletin board between London & Aberystwyth (220+ miles apart)... circa 1988. Song : The Alternative Wall:- Established by:- Anarchy, Atropos, White, Roadrunner>>>++>>, & Giant Hogweed. Nobody On --------- I got keyboard corns on my fingers, I got a Ethernet Pad for a brain, I got a VDU to prop up my mortal remains. My programs always fail, I got a strong urge to MAIL But I got no-one to MAIL to, MAIL to, MAIL to.. Oh, babe, when I send down the phone, There's still nobody on... The Alternative Wall, Part Two. Does anybody here remember DEC? Remember how the manual Was useless to me In every way. UNIX, what has become of you? Can any other O/S be quite as slow as you... The Alternative Wall, Part Three. The Trial --------- Good Morning, ROOT, your honour, The dump will plainly show the user who now stands before you Was caught red-handed in the system Crudely hacking in a truly vicious nature This will not do! CALL THE LOGFILE! "I always said he'd come to no good didn't I, ROOT, your honour, If they let me have my way I'd have him banned from the VAX! But my hands were tied, The bleeding hearts and artists Not to mention the Dave Prices Wouldn't let me throw him off!" -- Dedicated to Atropos The Wanderer. The Alternative Wall, Part Four. The UNIX Login Software ----------------------- Is there anybody out there? (repeat ad nauseam) The Alternative Wall, Part Five. One of My Hacks --------------- Log onto the system On that lurid green screen You'll find there's no response! Don't look so frightened, this is just a passing crash, One of my bad hacks! Would you like to watch TV, Well, that's no use to me I want to watch you squirm As you try to get logged on! Do you want to call the OPS, Do you think it's time I stopped? Why are you running away? The Alternative Wall, Part Six. Filled Up Spaces / What Shall We Do Now? ---------------------------------------- What shall we use to trash The filled up spaces on the archive tape? How should I hack and leave no traces, How shall the system completely fall? The Alternative Wall, Part Seven. Uncomfortably Numb ------------------ Hello, is there anybody on here? I'm here but can you see me? Is there anyone at home? C'mon now, I hear that MIST is down, I can ease the pain, maybe bring it up again. Relax, I need some information first, Just the basic facts, have you hacked the system Snurt? There is no shell, your call is clearing, The distant chips smoke on the breadboard, You are only coming through off pads, Your fingers move but I can't see what you're typing. When I was a child I caught a virus, My filebase swelled just like two balloons Now I've got that feeling once again, I can't explai(core dumped), you would not understand, This is not how I am. I have become uncomfortably numb. The Alternative Wall, Part Eight. In a Flash ---------- So ya Thought ya Might like to Go to the show To feel the thrill of board hacking, That luminescent glow. I've got some bad news for you, sunshine OPS not around, 'cos Node 5 is down, And they sent us along, they've gone to the bar, And we're going to find out who you guys Really are. Have we got any oppos on the system tonight? Grep 'em up against the wall. There's one on Bullet, He don't look right to me, Grep him up agaist the wall. That one's called Badger, And that one's Tyrone, Who let all this riffraff on their own; There's one smoking a joint and Another with sandals? If I had my way I'd have all of you shot. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Another Glitch in the Call Original : Another Brick in the Wall Group : Pink Floyd Author : Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM Intro : Song : Another Glitch in the Call ========================== (Sung to the tune of a similar Pink Floyd song.) (Contributed By Knappy 8350428 @ UWAVM) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Hey! You! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. We don't need no side effect-ing We don't need no scope control No global variables for execution Hey! You! Leave those args alone! (Chorus) We don't need no allocation We don't need no special nodes No dark bit-flipping in the functions Hey! You! Leave those bits alone! (Chorus) We don't need no compilation We don't need no load control No link edit for external bindings Hey! You! Leave that source alone! (Chorus, and repeat) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Another One Original : ? Group : ? Author : ? Intro : Not quite the usual parody, but nice for all UNIX fans among us :-) Song : better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) { be good } better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | grep bad || good for (goodness sake) { be good; } @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : A Time for DWIM Original : A Time for Us Group : theme song from Romeo and Juliet Author : Guy L. Steele Jr. Intro : Song : A Time for DWIM [to be sung to the tune of A Time for Us (theme song from Romeo and Juliet)] A time for DWIM There'll never be; No clever code This losing mode Can UNDO for me. This "golden hope" (To be denied) Could never Correctly fix the bugs my programs hide. A way for bugs There'll never be To fix with generality. So to this DWIM Let's say farewell; The crocks therein Prove it can't win And ring its knell: Do What I Mean Is just a ruse -- It really Means only: Fix How Teitelman doth Lose! -- The Great Quux (with apologies to Rota, Kusik, and Snyder) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : BBN Superlisp Original : Jesus Christ Superstar Group : from Jesus Christ Superstar Author : Guy L. Steele Jr. Intro : Song : BBN Superlisp [to be sung to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar] Every time I look at you I don't understand Why you think "Do What I Mean" is so cool and grand; You'd have managed better if you'd thought it through, Why'd you pick such an awkward way your bugs to undo? Your hairy feature will not be the last revolution, It's clear "Mean What I Do" is the ultimate solution! Don't you get me wrong, Don't you get me wrong, Don't you get me wrong, now, Don't you get me wrong, I only want to hack, I only want to hack, I only want to hack, I only want to hack. BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end! BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end! BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this? BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this? Tell us what you think about your friends at the top, Who d'you think besides yourself's the pick of the crop? Is LISP 1.5 where it's at? Is it where you are? Does Stanford's LISP have features too or is that just PR? Do you have the breakpoint scheme that MACLISP is known for, Or is that just the kind of kludge the user's on his own for? Don't you get me wrong, Don't you get me wrong, Don't you get me wrong, now, Don't you get me wrong, I only want to hack, I only want to hack, I only want to hack, I only want to hack. BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end! BBN! BBN! Some people think you're the living end! BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this? BBN! SuperLISP! Can "Do What I Mean" measure up to this? -- The Great Quux (with apologies to Rice and Webber) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Berkeley 4.3 Original : Yellow Submarine Group : Beatles Author : Jim Finnis Intro : [fragment] Song : In the RAM where I was forked, lived a ROM, who sailed the C... And he told, me of his life, in the Berkeley, 4.3... We all live in the Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3. We all live in the Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3, Berkeley 4.3. ((c) White the Wizard productions Ltd, 1987) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Boot It Original : Beat it Group : Michael Jackson Author : ? Intro : Song : Boot It You're processing some words when your keyboard goes dead, Ten pages in the buffer, should have gone to bed, The system just crashed, but don't lose your head, Just BOOT IT, just BOOT IT. Better think fast, better do what you can, Read the manual or call your system man, Don't want to fall behind in the race with Japan, So BOOT IT, Get the system manager to BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Even though you'd rather shoot it. Don't be upset, it's only some glitch. All that you do is flip a little switch. BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Get right down and restitute it. Don't get excited, all is not lost. CP/M, UNIX or MS/DOS Just BOOT IT, boot it, boot it, boot it... You gotta have your printout for the meeting at two, The system says your jobs at the head of the queue, Right then the thing dies but you know what to do, BOOT IT. You always get so worried when the system runs slow, And when it finally crashes, man you feel so low, But computers make mistakes (they're only human you know) So BOOT IT, Call the local guru to BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Go ahead re-institute it. If you're not lucky, get the book off the shelf, But if you are, it'll do itself. BOOT IT, BOOT IT, Then go find the guy who screwed it! Operating systems are built to bounce back, Whether it's a Cray or a Radio Shack. BOOT IT, BOOT IT @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Both Ways, Now Original : Both Sides, Now Group : Joni Mitchell Author : Guy L. Steele Jr. Intro : Song : Both Ways, Now [to be sung to the tune of Both Sides, Now] Decimal digits in a row, Just set the dials and let 'er go. The ENIAC was grossly slow -- I used to code that way, But then this Fortran came along; I danced and sang a happy song: So natural -- what could go wrong? I little knew, that day! I've looked at Fortran both ways, now, At II and IV, and still somehow, It's rows of numbers I recall; I really don't know Fortran at all. Fortran IV is real good stuff, But business hackers have it tough; For them this Fortran's not enough -- Then Cobol saved the day! But now I sing a sad refrain; This Cobol loss is no one's gain, And writing programs is a pain (I get writer's cramp that way!) I've looked at Cobol both ways, now, I code in it, and still somehow, It's FORMAT statements I recall; I really don't know Cobol at all. Cobol will for business do; Accounts and payroll make it through (And bills for zero dollars too -- I get them every day!) But those who hack symbolic frobs Cannot make do with Cobol jobs, And now I sing through anguished sobs, But Lisp is here to stay. I've looked at Lisp code both ways, now, At lambda forms, and still somehow, It's Cobol statements I recall; I really don't know Lisp at all. -- The Great Quux (with apologies to Joni Mitchell) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : The Boys of HP Original : The Boys of Summer Group : Don Henley Author : Adam Sah Intro : This reminds me of something we printed here in C.S. Major Magazine regarding our beloved Hewlett-Packard 300 Series... Song : The Boys of HP (sung to the tune 'The Boys of Summer' by Don Henley) -------------- (csfs1 = Comp. Sci File Server 1) Nobody in the room no cursor on the screen I feel it in the air 'csfs1 not responding' empty disk, empty screen, the server goes down alone I was logged into my account and I know you have no phone. I can see it the workstation's collecting dust You've got your 'console long:' and your blank screen, baby. And I can tell you I'll never get my source by dawn once the boys from HP have gone. I'll never forget those night. I wonder if I ever got to sleep? Remember how you made me crazy Remember how _you_ made _me_ scream? I don't understand what happened to my source If I can't ever get it back, I'm sure you have no remorse. I can see it the system crashing on me you've got your pinstriped suit and your corporate paranoia, baby. And I can tell you my love for this will still be strong after the boys of HP have gone Out in the corridors I saw a bunch of lost programmers A little voice inside my head say, "Don't buy more, you should never buy more" I thought I knew where my source was What did I know? Those servers are gone forever, I should just let them go, but- I can see it- your drives eating my work You've got that salesman's pitch and your demo running baby. and I can tell you- my love for CS will still be strong even after the boys from HP have gone. (c) 1991 by Adam Sah @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : CRASH! goes the System Original : POP goes the weasel Group : ? Author : ? Intro : Here's one my father wrote some years ago. It used to hang on the door to the computer room in building 2 at Goddard Space Flight Center (NASA). Song : CRASH! goes the System Two specks of dust on a Winchester disk No use to hope you missed them That's the way computing goes-- CRASH! goes the system. Go exchange the circuit boards Try and use your wisdom No way will you catch that bug-- CRASH! goes the system. Our pride and joy has features galore It takes a day to list them And none of them can be used any more-- CRASH! goes the system. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : CRAY-S's coolant Original : Octopusse's Garden Group : Beatles Author : aem@aber.ac.uk (Alec David Muffett) Intro : [fragment] Song : I'd like to be under the sea, in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade This freon gas will freeze my ass, in a CRAY1-S's coolant in the shade... @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Cycles For Nothing Original : Money For Nothing Group : Dire Straits Author : Matt Crawford Intro : Song : Cycles For Nothing (i want my i want my i want my X-MP!) Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it You run the fortran on the X-MP That ain't hackin' that's the way you do it Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free Now that ain't hackin' that's the way you do it Lemme tell ya them guys ain't dumb Maybe Monte Carlo on a three-quark system Maybe design a little neutron bomb We gotta install microwave uplinks Custom fuzzballs for everyone We gotta link up DDS circuits BERT and loopback tests to run See the kid professor with the blue jeans and the necktie Yeah buddy that's his own hair That kid professor got his Nobel prize now That kid professor he's a millionaire We gotta install microwave uplinks Custom fuzzballs for everyone We gotta link up DDS circuits BERT and loopback tests to run I shoulda stuck to writing in fortran I shoulda kept that old 029 Look at that output, he got it stacked up to the ceilin' I bet he ain't read one line And in there, what's that? A hundred postdocs? Bangin' on the keyboards like some chimpanzees That ain't hackin' that's the way you do it Cycles for nothin', gigabits for free We gotta install microwave uplinks Custom fuzzballs for everyone We gotta link up DDS circuits BERT and loopback tests to run by Matt Crawford @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : The Day Bell System Died Original : American Pie Group : Don Mclean Author : Lauren Weinstein Intro : Greetings. With the massive changes now taking place in the telecommunications industry, we're all being inundated with seemingly endless news items and points of information regarding the various effects now beginning to take place. However, one important element has been missing: a song! Since the great Tom Lehrer has retired from the composing world, I will now attempt to fill this void with my own light-hearted, non-serious look at a possible future of telecommunications. This work is entirely satirical, and none of its lyrics are meant to be interpreted in a non-satirical manner. The song should be sung to the tune of Don Mclean's classic "American Pie". I call my version "The Day Bell System Died"... ***END PART 1*** -- ,-----,------,--,--, / / / / / Stefan Haenssgen, Comp Sci, Uni Karlsruhe, Germany / ---/-, ,-/ / / / / / / / / haenssgen@ira.uka.de or uk0w@dkauni2.bitnet /--- / / / / / / / / / / / / / "Use the SOURCE, Luke!" (Return of the RedEye Nights) '-----' '--' '--'--' "I feel a great disturbance in the SOURCE" From: hanssgen@ira.uka.de (Stefan Haenssgen) Date: 18 Dec 91 14:56:14 GMT Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Computer Songs & Poems [part 2/5] ***BEGIN PART 2*** Song : *==================================* * Notice: This is a satirical work * *==================================* "The Day Bell System Died" Lyrics Copyright (C) 1983 by Lauren Weinstein (To the tune of "American Pie") (With apologies to Don McLean) ARPA: vortex!lauren@LBL-CSAM UUCP: {decvax, ihnp4, harpo, ucbvax!lbl-csam, randvax}!vortex!lauren Long, long, time ago, I can still remember, When the local calls were "free". And I knew if I paid my bill, And never wished them any ill, That the phone company would let me be... But Uncle Sam said he knew better, Split 'em up, for all and ever! We'll foster competition: It's good capital-ism! I can't remember if I cried, When my phone bill first tripled in size. But something touched me deep inside, The day... Bell System... died. And we were singing... Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die? We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI, "Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry. Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die? Ma Bell why did you have to die? Is your office Step by Step, Or have you gotten some Crossbar yet? Everybody used to ask... Oh, is TSPS coming soon? IDDD will be a boon! And, I hope to get a Touch-Tone phone, real soon... The color phones are really neat, And direct dialing can't be beat! My area code is "low": The prestige way to go! Oh, they just raised phone booths to a dime! Well, I suppose it's about time. I remember how the payphones chimed, The day... Bell System... died. And we were singing... Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die? We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI, "Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry. Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die? Ma Bell why did you have to die? Back then we were all at one rate, Phone installs didn't cause debate, About who'd put which wire where... Installers came right out to you, No "phone stores" with their ballyhoo, And 411 was free, seemed very fair! But FCC wanted it seems, To let others skim long-distance creams, No matter 'bout the locals, They're mostly all just yokels! And so one day it came to pass, That the great Bell System did collapse, In rubble now, we all do mass, The day... Bell System... died. So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die? We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI, "Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry. Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die? Ma Bell why did you have to die? I drove on out to Murray Hill, To see Bell Labs, some time to kill, But the sign there said the Labs were gone. I went back to my old CO, Where I'd had my phone lines, years ago, But it was empty, dark, and ever so forlorn... No relays pulsed, No data crooned, No MF tones did play their tunes, There wasn't a word spoken, All carrier paths were broken... And so that's how it all occurred, Microwave horns just nests for birds, Everything became so absurd, The day... Bell System... died. So bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die? We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI, "Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry. Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die? Ma Bell why did you have to die? We were singing: Bye, bye, Ma Bell, why did you die? We get static from Sprint and echo from MCI, "Our local calls have us in hock!" we all cry. Oh Ma Bell why did you have to die? @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : The Disks of UNIX Original : Sound of Silence Group : Simon and Garfunkel Author : ? Malcolm Dickinson Intro : Song : The Disks of UNIX ================= Submitted by Malcolm Dickinson Sung to the Tune of "Sounds of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkel Hello comix my old friend. I've come to program you again. because a student softly creeping, guessed my password while I was sleeping. And the programs with just remnants in my brain, don't remain, upon the disks... of UNIX. In flick'ring lights I type along. Load my program, what was wrong? Letters haloed by my squinting, at the program that I was lint-ing. For my eyes were blurred by the flash of the cathode beam, term'nal screen, and all the C... on UNIX. And in the fuzzy light I saw 10,000 hackers, maybe more: Hackers staring without blinking, hackers typing without thinking. Hackers writing code that programs never shared. (No one dared, disturb the disks... of UNIX.) "Fools," said I, "you do not know. Kludges make the d.u. grow. Comment functions that I might read them. Update man-files 'cause I might need them." But my words like unread printout fell, (Oh well...) An echo, On the disks... of UNIX. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Don't Call From Home Original : The Man's Too Strong Group : Dire Straits Author : Jonathon Luning Intro : Song : Don't Call From Home ==================== by Jonathon Luning Sung to the Tune of "The Man's Too Strong" by Dire Straits I'm just an ageing hacker-boy And in the days I used to play And I've called the tune To many a system's ruin. Now they say I am a real criminal And I'm hiding away. Just one more terminal session. I have simplified robbery With my PCs. I have called in the money And it's now overseas. I have re-written bank accounts With thousands on my books; Made up identities Without changing my looks. And I can still hear the touch-tones And the clicks on the phone. Don't call too long. Don't call from home. Well I've cracked IBM And I've cracked NSA And I've cracked every network In the whole USA. I have called out on Sprint And from any payphone; Billed to people I never have known. And I can still hear the touch-tones And the clicks on the phone. Don't call too long. Don't call from home. Well the sun comes in my office And they all did hear him say "You're really too much for us, You're worth more than we can pay. You may still hear from Burroughs But I ask you now today: Won't you please work with us At the good old CIA?" Now I run all surveillance From LA to Kremlin's dome. Don't call too long. Don't call from home. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Don't Have a Conniption Original : Walk Like an Egyptian Group : Bangles Author : Brent C.J. Britton Intro : Song : Don't Have a Conniption ======================= by Brent C.J. Britton Sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian" by the Bangles All the system ops in this place, They monitor me, just for fun. If I logon here, (ohwayoh) They force me off 'fore my profile runs. 'Cause I have a reputation For doing things which I shouldn't be, Like running CHATS, (ohwayoh) And bootlegging Lotus-123. So you see, when they yell at me, I say, (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh) "Don't have a conniption..." Found how to change all my privs; I didn't know that I broke a rule. I forced the op, (ohwayoh) I dropped the link, then I purged the spool. All the sys ops, so sick of me, They don't let my databases run. I broke CP, (ohwayoh) They had a big fat connip-tion. When they NOLOG my account, I say (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh) "Don't have a conniption..." They've hated me since I stored Inside the real PSW. We crashed hard you know, (ohwayoh) I guess I forgot a bit or two. If you want to find software cops, They're hanging out in the software shops. They kick your pants, (ohwayoh) And give the boot to your VMBLOCK. I ran my Turing Machine; Another one was assembl'in. And it crunched all night, (ohwayoh) The system op had connip'tions. To software cops in the software shops, I say (wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh) "Don't have a conniption..." "Don't have a conniption." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Emacs Wizard Original : Pinball Wizard Group : The Who Author : ? Intro : Complete with formatting and all :-) Song : \documentstyle[twocolumn,12pt]{article} \begin{document} \begin{verse} Ever since I was a young boy\\ I've played with each O.S.\\ From Unix down to Kronos \\ I've crashed them I confess\\ But I ain't seen nothing like him\\ Not even in VMS\\ That set-mark and bind kid\\ Sure strokes a mean Emacs. He sits there never blinking\\ Becomes part of the machine\\ Controls with either pinkie\\ A virtual typing stream\\ He optimizes keystrokes\\ Swamps your Microvax\\ That set-mark and bind kid\\ Sure strokes a mean Emacs. He's an Emacs wizard \\ Without a binding list\\ An Emacs wizard \\ s' got such a calloused wrist. How do you think he does it? I don't know!\\ What makes him so good? \newpage He ain't got no distractions\\ He refuses warning bells\\ He heeds no cursor flashing\\ Plays by sense of smell\\ He never needs to undo\\ Knows all of Stallman's hacks\\ That set-mark and bind kid\\ Sure strokes a mean Emacs. I thought I was \\ The keyboard-macro kid\\ But I just handed\\ My Emacs crown to him. Even my usual bindings\\ He prefixed all my best\\ His disciples feed him Coke\\ And he just does the rest\\ He's got super-meta-fingers\\ Never hits the cracks\\ That set-mark and bind kid\\ Sure strokes a mean Emacs. \end{verse} \end{document} @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Every Cycle is Sacred Original : Every Sperm is Sacred Group : Monty Python (Meaning of Life) Author : Tony Duell Intro : Song : There are Suns in this world, there are Apples, There are Sequents and Goulds and then, There are those who clone I B M, BUT I've never been one of them. For I'm an 11/45 and have been since the day I was made And the one thing they say about PDP's is They'll run no matter what they said, You don't have to be in a six-footer, You don't have to have a 9-slot backplane You don't have to have Memory Management, You're booted the moment DCLO came, For Every Cycle is Sacred, Every Cycle is Great, If a cycle gets wasted, DEC gets quite irate! {Repeat} Let the others waste them, On floating-point multiply DEC shall make them pay for Each add able to be skipped by. Every cycle is wanted Every cycle is good Every cycle is needed In your neighbourhood Intel, Sun and Zilog Branch their's just anywhere DEC loves those who write Their Microcode with more care Every cycle is useful Every cycle is fine DEC saves everybody's Time and Time and Time. Other systems waste theirs while fetching o'er t'backplane DEC shall strike them down for each cycle thats run in vain Every cycle is sacred, Every cycle is great, If a cycle gets wasted, DEC GETS QUITE IRATE!!! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Fork()ing on a Sun Original : Seasons in the Sun Group : Don Henley (?) Author : aem@aber.ac.uk (Alec David Muffett) Intro : Here's a little ditty I penned back in 1987 when I was first getting to grips with IP (and killing the machine at the same time). If you don't recognise the words well enough to get the tune, you weren't born... as for pronunciation, pronounce "vi" as "vye" - that way, the song scans properly. No flames, please... The chorus is a wonderful thing to sing in pubs (bars) when you and a group of hackers get together, because it is eminently recog- nisable, but no-one outside your group will have the foggiest idea what you're on about... [fragment] Song : Goodbye my shell, it's hard to "vi", I cannot socket(), even though I try, Everything keeps going wrong... It needs a bind() to carry on, Proc' table's been full for too long. Chorus: We had Joy, We had fun, We were fork()ing on a Sun, but the joy is all gone, 'til the processes are Done [1]. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Friend of the System Original : Friend of the Devil Group : Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter Author : Larry Stone Intro : Song : Friend of the System ==================== By Larry Stone Submitted by Jeff Brandenburg Sung to the tune of "Friend of the Devil" by Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter I logged on to the Ed-VAX, left a trail of coffee grounds. Didn't get to sleep that night 'til the morning came around. Chorus: Said I'll run my program but it will take some time; A friend of the System is a friend of mine. If I get done before daylight, I just might write some code tonight. Ran into the System, baby, and it tried to blow me off. Spent the evening learning Pascal but still all it does is scoff! (chorus) I tried to run the editor, but the System caught me there; It took my FORTRAN program and it vanished in the air! (chorus) Got two reasons why I stay awake each night and day; The first one's name I can't pronounce, but he is my TA. The second one's my college Dean, 'cause I'm about to fail! She says if I don't pass C.S. I won't be long at Yale. Got a program in T-Lisp, baby, and one in FORTRAN IV. The first one has a hundred bugs but the other one has more! (chorus) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : Gateway To Heaven Original : Stairway To Heaven Group : Led Zeppelin Author : EileenET Tronolone Intro : I just had to send it in, fellas. I'm sorry. I could not let all that stuff go by and not send it in. Song : Gateway To Heaven There's a lady who knows All the systems and nodes And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven She telnets there, she knows All the ports have been closed With a nerd she can get Files she came for Woohoohoo Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven There's an motd But she wants to be sure Cos she knows sometimes hosts have Two domains In a path by the NIC There's a burdvax that pings Sometimes all of our flames are cross-posted Woohoohoo Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven And it's processed by root Unix Labs will reboot NCR will then listen to reason And a prompt will respawn For those yet to logon And the networks will echo much faster Woohoohoo Woo Hoo Hoo HooHoo And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven If there's a lookup in your netstat don't be .alarmed now it's just a pinging from the link queen Yes there are two routes you can type in but in the long run there's still time to change the net you're on (I hope so!) And as we find stuff to download We ftp and we chmod There was a sysadm we know Who changed the server to her own She had root privs and she used chown She hacked out on the DDN And if you tail her stdin Then you will find what you had lost And get it back with cpio To be a hack and not to scroll... And she's byteing a Gateway to Heaven @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : HACKADU Original : ? Group : Samuel Taylor Coleridge Author : Stuart McLure Cracraft Intro : Song : HACKADU In Hackadu did Hackers Few An awesome program-hack command: Where 20, the sacred system, grew Through monitors nobody knew Down during the great demand. Always twice two months to newer release With TTY's and EMACS to bring the peace: And here was software smothered by edit-line effects, Where many a bureaucrat sauntered across the land, And where MSG/TELNET/FTP were ancient as TENEX, Constricting winning spots into the bland. But oh! those abiding Hackers Few were cunning And lept the heights of unimaginable lossage! A savage place; as daemonical and sinning as e'er which plastered a screen with "%DECSYSTEM-20 Not Winning" B'fore users exchausted from the barfage! And from this chaos, with irresistable force, As if this thing were itself the Source, A mighty idea came glistening to Hackers Fewest Amid whose logic the sinning 20 burst Huge fragments of scheduler flung forth like rebounding netmail, Or chaffy words beneath the BLT's flail: And 'mid this stupendous destruction at once and forever It flung up the 20 to permanently sever. Pages and pages of listings the burning grew Through structures and directories in the Coup, Then reached the sources known to few, And slaughtered in tumult the offending mass: And 'mid this tumult Hackers Few heard from afar Ancestral systems declaring war! The shadows of the program-hack Floated strongly on the net; Where was heard the anguished cry of the Sack From which they inferred they'd win, they bet. A true war of Hackers Few against Timesharing, With the ancestors of the 20 battling forth with infinite daring! A 10 with a mighty cpu In this battle the Hackers Few espied: It was a DEC original that knew, That once the Hackers Few irresistibly grew, It would forever be banned to limbo. Could it wreak havoc upon the Few? With its powerful CPU? To such a deep satisfaction the answer is no, That with a slice of their sword through its board, The Hackers Few did clobber its bagbiting cord, To realize the Source, the Idea, the Solution! And all the users who saw this mighty battle raging, And shrieked, Tsk! Tsk! While the 10s' and 20s' flashed screens, their crashing disks! The Few weaved a carnage about this awful outpouring, And closed the 10s' and 20s' eyes, For the Hackers Few had earlier fed upon the lies And now had drunk the milk of Personal Computing. Stuart McLure Cracraft (with apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : The Hacker Song Original : Put Another Nickel In Group : ? Author : Chesire Catalyst Intro : Song : Put another password in, Bomb it out and try again. Try to get past logging in, We're hacking, hacking, hacking. Try his first wife's maiden name. This is more than just a game. It's real fun, but just the same, It's hacking, hacking, hacking. Sys-call, let's try sys-call. Remember, that great bug from version 3, Of R S X, It's here! Whoopie! Put another sys-call in, Run those passwords out and then, Dial back up, we're logging in. It's hacking, hacking, hacking! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : The HACTRN Original : The Raven Group : Edgar Allan Poe Author : Guy L. Steele Jr. Intro : [a bit longish - sth] Notes for those not familar with the terms in this poem: TTY ("titty") = any terminal, not necessarily a teletype (in this case, a CRT); in particular, a terminal associated with and in control of a job tree (see "DDT" below). The terminal may be passed up and down the job tree; at any point in time only one job in the tree may use the tree's TTY. When ^Z is typed on the TTY, the system intervenes, stopping the job which has the TTY, and interrupts that job's superior in the tree, which may then grab the TTY from the inferior job. DDT ("dee dee tee") = HACTRN ("hack-tran") = top level debugging and job controlling procedure, capable of controlling up to eight simultaneous jobs (which may themselves be DDTs!) and performing other miscellaneous functions. HACTRN specifically denotes a DDT at the top of a job tree, while DDT is the more general term. The two terms refer to the same job in the poem, and are thus treated as synonymous. Note that DDT requires its subjobs to have unique names for obvious reasons; hence the concern over seven jobs all named FOO. PEEK = a program similar to the SYSTAT of certain PDP-10 monitor systems of dubious quality. PEEK is actually much more versatile, giving information in any of some dozen modes, such a job status, DECtape status, Arpanet sockets, terminal status, and scheduler variables and statistics. It also has provisions for maintaining a continuously updated display on a CRT, and for line printer usage. TECO ("teeko") = text editor and corrector (that is, the good version of several versions of TECO which are floating around). :KILL ("colon kill") = message typed out by DDT whenever it kills a subjob. Note that subjobs, if running, may request DDT to kill themselves. If the job does not have the TTY when it makes such a request, DDT merely rings the TTY's bell (which on the CRT in the poem above is a particularly obnoxious flavor of "beep"), and prints nothing until you ascend to DDT, and perhaps type J (see below). LOCK = utility program, which interprets the particular command "nKILL" to mean "please bring the time-sharing system down in n minutes" (where it is required that n5). The system will then go down at the prescribed time unless the request is countermanded with a "REVIVE" request. ITS = Incompatible Timesharing System, the good timesharing system for the PDP-10. DSKDMP ("disk dump") = program used to, among other things, bootstrap ITS into a running state. = "altmode"; read it as such to preserve the meter. V = command to DDT, requesting it to print out the names of all its subjobs. J = command to DDT, asking that it select the job which has requested attention so that it may be dealt with. DDT responds "jobnameJ" so that you will know which job it was. ^Z ("control zee") = command to ITS to stop the job which currently has the TTY, and interrupt the next higher job in the job tree. Ordinarily this has the effect of returning to DDT. 0/ ("zero slash") = command to DDT, asking it to print out the contents of location zero of the selected subjob. This operation is theoretically transparent to the subjob itself. RMS = Richard M. Stallman, who does an admirable job of keeping DDT, as well as many other programs, relatively bug-free. (C) Copyright 1973, 1974 Guy L. Steele Jr. All rights reserved. Song : The HACTRN Once before a console dreary, while I programmed, weak and weary, Over many a curious program which did TECO's buffer fill, -- While I pondered, nearly sleeping, suddenly there came a feeping, As of something gently beeping, beeping with my console's bell. "'Tis my DDT," I muttered, "feeping on my console's bell: Once it feeped, and now is still." Ah, distinctly I remember that dark night in bleak December, And each separate glowing symbol danced before me, bright and chill. Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow From my HACTRN aid for sorrow -- sorrow for the bugs which fill -- For the strange unknown and nameless bugs which ever all my programs fill -- Bugs which now I searched for still. And the coughing, whirring, gritty fan I heard inside my TTY Made me with fantastic terrors never known before to thrill; So that now, to still the beating of my heart I stood repeating, "'Tis some interrupt entreating DDT to signal me -- Some strange interrupt entreating DDT to signal me -- Its importance surely nil." Presently my soul grew stronger: hesitating then no longer I decided that I would respond to this strange program's call; TECO, which I then attended, to my soul more strength extended; With ^Z I ascended, going to my DDT -- V I typed, and answered soon my DDT -- TECO there, and that was all! Dumbly at my console peering, as I sat there, wondering, fearing, Doubting now that any interrupt was ever there to call; But the silence was unbroken, and my HACTRN gave no token, And the only sound there spoken from my TTY's whirring fan -- The low and rough and distant sound came from my TTY's whirring fan -- TECO there, and that was all. Back into my TECO going, with my pounding heart now slowing, Soon again I heard a feeping, somewhat louder than before. "Surely," said I, "surely this is some strange bug of RMS's Which an interrupt professes, though I have no other job; Let me then ask DDT if it thinks there's another job -- 'Tis a bug, and nothing more!" Again I went up to my HACTRN while cold shivers up my back ran V I typed, my jobs now once more to display. Only TECO was there listed; though my trembling heart resisted Yet I willed my hand, insisted, J to quickly type -- To answer this bold query DDT did hesitantly type A ghostly "FOOBARJ". From V protected, now, this phantom job, selected Gave no clue to why it had invoked that former beeping shrill. "Though," I said, "you're no inferior, I shall act as your superior And examine your interior, this strange matter to explore." Then I typed a 0/ this matter further to explore -- Quoth the HACTRN, ":KILL". Much I worried -- this outrageous bug might prove to be contagious, Though thus far it had not seemed to do my TECO any ill: For we cannot help concurring such a bug would cause a stirring, Feeping on a console whirring, disappearing then from sight -- An evanescent mystery subjob disappearing then from sight With no clue but ":KILL"! But my HACTRN, swapping, running, gave no further sign of cunning By this unknown phantom, which was in a thirty second sleep; None of this I comprehended; to my TECO I descended, And in terror I pretended that the bug had gone away -- I pretended that for good the mystery bug had gone away -- When my console gave a feep. Now I quickly, hoping, praying, started up a PEEK displaying All the the jobs and subjobs there which did the system fill: What I found was quite unpleasant, for there was no FOOBAR present: Only TECO was there present, underneath my DDT; I quit the PEEK, and "FOOBARJ" typed out my DDT -- Then quoth the HACTRN, ":KILL". But -- this FOOBAR now beguiling all my sad soul into smiling -- I tightly grinned, determined that this glitch should cause nobody ill; Now, into my armchair sinking, I betook myself to linking Fancy unto fancy, thinking why this unknown phantom job -- Why this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and unknown phantom job Feeped and did a ":KILL". This I sat engaged in guessing, but conceived no thought expressing How a phantom job could sound those strange and ghostly beeps; This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining, With the symbols coldly shining at me from the CRT, With the bright, sharp symbols coldly shining on the CRT -- Which suddenly gave seven feeps! Then methought the air grew denser, filled with clouds which grew immenser, As when under darkened daylight thick and stormy weather brews; With some bit of hesitation stemming from my trepidation Again I typed that incantation finding out how much I'd lose -- V I typed again to find how much I'd lose -- TECO there, and seven FOOs! "Job!" said I, "with ghostly manner! -- subjob still, if LISP or PLANNER! Whether accident, or feeping as another hacker wills! Tell me now why I am losing, why my HACTRN you're abusing, Which no doubt is of your choosing: echo truly on my screen!" Then DDT as if in answer echoed quickly on my screen, Typing seven ":KILLs". "Job!" said I, "with ghostly manner! -- subjob still, if LISP or PLANNER! By the ITS above us which the DSKDMP doth fulfill, I shall be the system's saviour: I shall mend your crude behaviour, I shall halt your strange behaviour, and thee from the system lock!" Madly, wildly laughing I made DDT invoke a LOCK, And quickly typed thereat -- "5KILL"! "Be this now our sign of parting, phantom job!" I shrieked, upstarting, As my HACTRN now informed me ITS was going down in 5:00. "You have run your last instruction and performed your final function!" But, refuting this deduction HACTRN then my TTY grabbed -- To type out yet another message HACTRN now my TTY grabbed -- Quoth the HACTRN, "ITS REVIVED!" And the FOOBAR, never sleeping, still is beeping, still is beeping On the glaring console out from which I cannot even log! And other happenings yet stranger indicate inherent danger When bugs too easily derange or mung the programs of machines; When programs too "intelligent" start taking over the machines: Is this the end of AutoProg? -- The Great Quux (with apologies to Edgar Allan Poe) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : I Could Have Tooled All Night Original : I Could Have Danced All Night Group : from My Fair Lady Author : Guy L. Steele Jr. Intro : Song : I Could Have Tooled All Night [to be sung to the tune of I Could Have Danced All Night from My Fair Lady] Tool! Tool! I feel like such a fool! All term I goofed off; I can't catch up now! Sleep! Sleep! I've got to get some sleep! Tooling wouldn't help me anyhow! I could have tooled all night, I could have tooled all night, and still have tooled some more; I could have been absurd, Learned all my Latin verbs, It wouldn't raise my score. I can't remember all those theorems, And all those facts from my mind flee -- I only know exams, Are why one usually crams, But tooling never could help me! I could have tooled all night, I could have tooled all night, And memorized each book; I only now regret, My sections never met, And lectures I forsook. I cross my fingers now in terror, I only hope some luck's with me -- But had I tooled or not, I'd still be on the spot, My goofing off deserves the E! -- The Great Quux (with apologies to Lerner and Loewe) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : I'm Typing Backwards for Christmas Original : I'm walking Backwards for Christmas Group : Spike Milligan and another Author : Russell Street Intro : Song : I'm Typing Backwards for Christmas ---------------------------------- (Adapted from "I'm walking Backwards for Christmas", by Spike Milligan and another.) Adaption by Russell Street (russells@ccu1.aukuni.ac.nz) I'm typing backwards for Christmas, Across the TCP/IP, I'm typing backwards for Christmas, It's the only thing for me. I've tried posting sideways, And mailing to the front, But people just look at it, And say it's a publicity stunt. I'm typing backwards for Christmas, To prove that I love you. An imigrantal telnet, loved an Irish inetd From Dublin University's VAX. He longed for her XONs, But spurned his charms, And connected with a former socket. She left the telnet by himself, on his own All alone, EWOULDBLOCKing And sadly he dreamed, or at least that's the way it seemed, buddy, That an angel quieted him.... An angel quieted the same. ***END PART 2*** -- ,-----,------,--,--, / / / / / Stefan Haenssgen, Comp Sci, Uni Karlsruhe, Germany / ---/-, ,-/ / / / / / / / / haenssgen@ira.uka.de or uk0w@dkauni2.bitnet /--- / / / / / / / / / / / / / "Use the SOURCE, Luke!" (Return of the RedEye Nights) '-----' '--' '--'--' "I feel a great disturbance in the SOURCE" From: hanssgen@ira.uka.de (Stefan Haenssgen) Date: 18 Dec 91 14:56:56 GMT Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Computer Songs & Poems [part 3/5] ***BEGIN PART 3*** I'm typing backwards for Christmas, Across the TCP/IP. I'm typing backwards for Christmas, It's the finest thing for me. And so I've tried posting sideways, And mailing to the front. But people just flamed, and said, "It's a publicity stunt". So I'm typing backwards for Christmas To prove that I love you. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : I Want a New Bug Original : I Want a New Drug Group : Huey Lewis and the News Author : Nelson Bishop Intro : Song : I Want a New Bug (To the tune of: I Want a New Drug, Huey Lewis and the News) I want a new bug. One I don't have to fix. One that wont make me crash my disks. Or make me use menu picks I want a new bug One I don't have to dread. One that wont turn the cursor black Or make my graph too red. Chorus: One that wont make me nervous Wonderin' what to do. One that makes me feel Like I feel when I'm all through. When I'm all done and through. I want a new bug. One that wont kill. One that wont thrash too much Or end in a Nil. I want a new bug. One that wont go away. One that wont keep me up all night. One that wont make me work all day. (Chorus) I want a new bug. One that wont show. One that wont make it run too fast. One that wont make it run too slow. I want a new bug. One with no doubt. One that wont spin the disk too much Or make me use break out. (Chorus) @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Title : I am the very model of a Genius Computational Original : I am the very model of a modern major-general Group : Gilbert & Sullivan Author : (First seen at Cambridge, England?) Intro : Song : I am the very model of a genius computational: At writing of assembler code I really am sensational. I'm not afraid of SVC's, to macros I am much attached; Load modules I make elegant, well optimised, DEBUGged and PATCHed. I know the different languages: in Fortran and BCPL, In Algol, Snobol, PL/I, in Lisp and Cobol I excel. Numerical analysis? My algorithms make y' gape! I read my favourite novels in editions punched on paper tape. I'm very good at file control - my DCB's are always right. My use of ZED's so subtle, people stay to watch me half the n