Article 7658 of rec.humor: >From: lambers@cs.purdue.EDU (Chief!) Subject: WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN--CANONICAL LIST Date: 7 Sep 88 04:53:37 GMT Organization: Department of Computer Science, Purdue University Lines: 114 Here is the canonical list of reasons why a beer is better than a woman. I trashed my bicycle list immediately after printing it out, but I can have that available shortly--unless peter@eevlsi.ee.columbia, who mailed that list to me, sees this article and would like to post it. I think readers would enjoy that just as much. Enjoy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN *** THE CANONICAL LIST *** 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. 2. Beer stains wash out. 3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. 4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car. 5. When beer goes flat you toss it out. 6. Beer is never late. 7. HANGOVERS go away. 8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. 11. Beer never has a headache. 12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime. 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. 14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head. 15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. 16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy. 17. You can share a beer with your friends. 18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer. 19. A beer is always wet. 20. Beer doesn't demand equality. 21. A beer doesn't care when you come. 22. You can have a beer in public. 23. A frigid beer is a good beer. 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. 25. Beer always comes in multiples of six. 26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer. 28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. 30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another. 31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. 32. Beer looks the same in the morning. 33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month. 34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in. 35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids. 36. Beer doesn't get cramps. 37. Beer doesn't have a mother. 38. Beer doesn't have morals. 39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. 40. Beer always listens and never argues. 41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year. 42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles. 43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet. 44. Beer doesn't demand legality. 45. Beer is never overweight. 46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony. 47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards. 48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer. 49. Beer doesn't need much closet space. 50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive. 52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 53. Beer never changes its mind. 54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 55. Beer never asks you to change the station. 56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping. 57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 59. Beer is always easy to pick up. 60. Big, fat beers are nice to have. 61. Beer doesn't pout or play games. 62. Beer NEVER says no. 63. Beer is easy to get into. 64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere. 65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers. 66. Beer doesn't wear a bra. 67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty. 68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity. 69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper. 70. Beer doesn't live with its mother. 71. Beer doesn't blow you off. 72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 74. Beer doesn't mind football season. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ||James V Lambers (Chief!) |lambers@medusa.cs.purdue.edu || ||Wiley Hall NW 297 |"Good times, Great taste, Super Size || ||West Lafayette, IN 47906 |makes it my place..." || =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Article 7690 of rec.humor: >From: peggy@pyr.gatech.EDU (PEGGY PIEROTTI) Subject: Re: WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN--CANONICAL LIST Date: 9 Sep 88 01:39:56 GMT Organization: Georgia Institute of Technology Lines: 95 86 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN 1. A beer makes life easier. 2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. 3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. 4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. 5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. 6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. 7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes. 8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping. 9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. 10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. 11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. 12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. 13. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. 14. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. 15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. 16. A beer will never smell like a man. 17. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. 18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. 19. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 20. A beer doesn't sulk. 21. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. 22. A beer won't switch the TV channel. 23. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open. 24. A beer doesn't snore. 25. A beer can't interrupt. 26. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. 27. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. 28. A beer doesn't belch. 29. Or fart. 30. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom. 31. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. 32. A good beer is easy to find. 33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. 34. A beer can't pout. 35. A beer doesn't have a mother. 36. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer. 37. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. 38. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer. 39. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack. 40. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". 41. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds. 42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month. 43. A beer doesn't want children. 44. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. 45. A beer isn't ready until you're ready. 46. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. 47. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. 48. Hangovers go away. 49. A beer tastes good. 50. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower. 51. A beer would never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub. 52. A beer is never late. 53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 54. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. 55. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. 56. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. 57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit. 58. A beer never needs a shave. 59. You don't have to let a beer win. 60. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza. 61. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too. 62. A beer doesn't have morning breath. 63. A beer never wants to go to the drag races. 64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go. 65. A beer helps with the houswork. 66. A beer will never drink the last beer. 67. A beer will never fumble with your bra. 68. You can't get herpes from a beer. 69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. 70. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. 71. A beer is seldom messy. 72. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep. 73. After you've had a beer, all you're committed to doing is throwing out the container. 74. A beer container is recyclable. 75. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. 76. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". 77. A beer is never tempermental. 78. A beer will never complain about your cooking. 79. A cold beer is a good beer. 80. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. 81. A beer will never worry about losing its hair. 82. A big, fat beer is nice to have. 83. A beer is never too sensitive. 84. A beer won't steal the covers. 85. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. 86. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. ---- END ----