-)(- P R I N C I P I A D I S C O R D I A or HOW I FOUND GODDESS AND WHAT I DID TO HER WHEN I FOUND HER THE MAGNUM OPIATE OF MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER Wherein Is Explained Absolutely Everything Worth Knowing About Absolutely Anything -)(- INTRODUCTION You hold in your hands one of the Great Books of our century fnord. Some Great Books are recognized at once with a fusilade of critical huzzahs and gonfolons, like Joyce's _Ulysses._ Others appear almost furtively and are only discovered 50 years later, like _Moby Dick_ or Mendel's great essay on genetics. The _Principia Discordia_ entered our space-time continuum almost as unobtrusively as a cat- burglar creeping over a windowsill. In 1968, virtually nobody had heard of this wonderful book. In 1970, hundreds of people from coast to coast were talking about it and asking the identity of its mysterious author, Malaclypse the Younger. Rumors swept across the continent, from New York to Los Angeles, from Seattle to St. Joe. Malaclypse was actually Alan Watts, one heard. No, said another legend -- the _Principia_ was actually the work of the Sufi Order. A third, very intriguing myth held that Malaclypse was a pen-name for Richard M. Nixon, who had allegedly composed the _Principia_ during a few moments of lucidity. I enjoyed each of these yarns and did my part to help spread them. I was also careful never to contradict the occasional rumors that I had actually written the whole thing myself during an acid trip. The legendry, the mystery, the cult grew slowly. By the mid- 1970's, thousands of people, some as far off as Hong Kong and Australia, were talking about the _Principia,_ and since the original was out of print by then, xerox copies were beginning to circulate here and there. When the _Illuminatus!_ trilogy appeared in 1975, my co-author, Bob Shea, and I both received hundreds of letters from people intrigued by the quotes from the _Principia_ with which we had decorated the heads of several chapters. Many, who had already heard of the _Principia_ or seen copies, asked if Shea and I had written it, or if we had copies available. Others wrote to ask if it were real, or just something we had invented the way H.P. Lovecraft invented the _Necronomicon._ We answered according to our moods, sometimes telling the truth, sometimes spreading the most Godawful lies and myths we could devise fnord. Why not? We felt that this book was a true Classic (_literatus immortalis_) and, since the alleged intelligentsia had not yet discovered it, the best way to keep its legend alive was to encourage the mythology and the controversy about it. Increasingly, people wrote to ask me if Timothy Leary had written it, and I almost always told them he had, except on Fridays when I am more whimsical, in which case I told them it had been transmitted by a canine intelligence -- vast, cool, and unsympathetic -- from the Dog star, Sirius. Now, at last, the truth can be told. Actually, the _Principia_ is the work of a time-travelling anthropologist from the 23rd century. He is currently passing among us as a computer specialist, bon vivant and philosopher named Gregory Hill. He has also translated several volumes of Etruscan erotic poetry, under another pen-name, and in the 18th century was the mysterious Man in Black who gave Jefferson the design for the Great Seal of the United States. I have it on good authority that he is one of the most accomplished time-travellers in the galaxy and has visited Earth many times in the past, using such cover-identities as Zeno of Elias, Emperor Norton, Count Galiostro, Guilliame of Aquaitaine, etc. Whenever I question him about this, he grows very evasive and attempts to persuade me that he is actually just another 20th century Earthman and that all my ideas about his extraterrestrial and extratemporal origin are delusions. Hah! I am not that easily deceived. After all, a time-travelling anthropologist would say just that, so that he could observe us without his presence causing culture-shock. I understand that he has consented to write an Afterward to this edition. He'll probably contradict everything I've told you, but don't believe a word he says fnord. He is a master of the deadpan put-on, the plausible satire, the philosophical leg-pull and all branches of guerilla ontology. For full benefit to the Head, this book should be read in conjunction with _The Illuminoids_ by Neal Wilgus (Sun Press, Albuquerque, New Mexico) and _Zen Without Zen Masters_ by Camden Benares (And/Or Press, Berkeley, California). "We are operating on many levels here," as Ken Kesey used to say. In conclusion, there is no conclusion. Things will go on as they always have, getting weirder all the time. Hail Eris. All hail Discordia. Fnord? -- Robert Anton Wilson International Arms and Hashish, Inc. Darra Bazar, Kohat -)(- The Magnum Opiate of Malaclypse the Younger NOT JUNK MAIL PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA or HOW I FOUND GODDESS AND WHAT I DID TO HER WHEN I FOUND HER Wherein is Explained Absolutely Everything Worth Knowing About Absolutely Anything _ | _ \|/ A jug of wine, _/|\_ A leg of lamb | And thou! Beside me, Whistling in the darkness. Be Ye Not Lost Among Precepts of Order... The Book of Uterus 1:5 -)(- Some excerpts from an interview with Malaclypse the Younger by _The Greater Metropolitan Yorba Linda Herald-News-Tribune-Journal-Dispatch- Post and San Francisco Discordian Society Cabal Bulletin and Intergalactic Report and Pope Poop_ GREATER POOP: Are you really serious or what? MAL-2: Sometimes I take humor seriously. Sometimes I take seriousness humorously. Either way it is irrelevant. GP: Maybe you are just crazy. M2: Indeed! But do not reject these teachings as false because I am crazy. The reason that I am crazy is because they are true. GP: Is Eris true? M2: Everything is true. GP: Even false things? M2: Even false things are true. GP: How can that be? M2: I don't know, man, I didn't do it. GP: Is there an essential meaning behind POEE? M2: There is a Zen story about a student who asked a Master to explain the meaning of Buddhism. The Master's reply was, "three pounds of flax." GP: Is that your answer to my question? M2: No, of course not. That is just illustrative. The answer to your question is FIVE TONS OF FLAX! SuSpEnDeD AnNiHiLaTiOn -)(- FOURTH EDITION ODD# II/2,xii,68Chs3136 PRINCIPIA DISCORDIA or HOW I FOUND GODDESS & WHAT I DID TO HER WHEN I FOUND HER Being a Beginning Introduction to The Erisian Mysterees WHICH IS MOST INTERESTING -- As Divinely Revealed to My High Reverence, MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER, K.S.C. Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Virginity in Gold and HIGH PRIEST of THE PARATHEO-ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC (POEE) HAIL ERIS! -- Kallisti -- ALL HAIL DISCORDIA! Dedicated to The Prettiest One [Illustration: a loosely pointing hand] The uproar of one hand clapping. -1- -JOSHUA NORTON CABAL- Surrealists, Harlequinists, Absurdists, and Zonked Arists Melee POEE is one manifestation of THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY about which you will learn more and understand less We are a tribe of philosophers, theologians, magicians, scientists, artists, clowns, and similar maniacs who are intruiged with ERIS GODDESS OF CONFUSION and with Her Doings Official DISCORDIAN SOCIETY (Hail Eris) -2- 3 The Sacred Chao (illustration) 37 Parable of the Bitter Tea 4 Five Commandments (The Pentabarf) 38 Sermon on Ethics and Love 5 Zen Story 39 Apostles of Eris 6 Telegram to Jehova 41 How Honest Book of Truth 7 Birth of The Erisian Movement Was Revealed 11 Battle Hymn of the Eristocracy 42 Curse of Greyface 12 On Prayer 43 Mandala 13 Heaven is down... 44 Cosmology (Book of Uterus) 14 Norton's Money 46 Orders of Discordia 15 Eris -- Greek Mythology 47 Entropy (Norbert Weiner) 16 Law of Fives 48 Zarathud's Enlightenment 17 Myth of the Apple of Discord 49 The Sacred Chao (text) 19 Erisian Hymn 52 Hodge/Podge Transformer 20 POEE Chart 53 Brunswick Shrine 21 POEE Symbol 54 Starbuck's Pebbles 22 POEE 55 Eris during 3125 years 23 Application Form 56 Cosmogeny (Void's Daughters) 24 POEE Priests 59 Syadastian Chant 26 Erisian Affirmation 60 Classification of Saints 27 Legionnaire Certificate 61 Occultism 27 Saint Gulik 62 Astrology 28 How to Start a POEE Cabal Without 63 Greface and Negativism Messing Around With the Polyfather 64 The Turkey Curse 29 Baptismal Rite 65 Arguments for Evangelists 31 Mysteree Oath 66 Sink (game) 32 The Discordian Society 67 Chain Letter (Join Effort) 33 The Golden Apple Corps 68 Avatar Classification 33 Numeral V Sign 69 Epistle to the Paranoids 34 Calendar 71 Super Secret Crypto Cypher 35 Holy Names 72 Illuminati (letter) 36 POPE Cards 74 Salvation -3- I tell you: One must still have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star! -- Nietzsche T H E S A C R E D [Illustration: a traditional Chinese yin-yang symbol with a pentagon in one cusp and The Golden Apple in the other, an apple with "Kallisti" in Greek] C H A O -4- THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS (THE PENTABARF) The PENTABARF was discovered by the hermit Apostle Zarathud in the fifth year of the caterpillar. He found them carved in gilded stone, while building a sun deck for his cave, but their import was lost for they were written in a mysterious cypher. However, after 10 weeks and 11 hours of intensive scrutiny he discerned that the message could be read by standing on his head and viewing it upside-down. KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH! I -- There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm. II -- A Discordian shall always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System. III -- A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to go off alone and partake joyously of a hot dog on a Friday; this devotive ceremony to remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no hot dog buns). IV -- A Discordian shall partake of no hot dog buns, for such was the solace of our goddess when she was confronted with The Original Snub. V -- A Discordian is prohibited of believing what he reads. IT IS SO WRITTEN. SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED. [Illustration: a burning scroll] Test Question from Topanga Cabal (The Twelve Famous Buddha Minds School): If they are our brothers, how come we can't eat them? -5- A ZEN STORY by Camden Benares, The Count Five Headmaster, Camp Meeker Cabal A serious young man found the conflicts of mid-20th century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled. One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises the tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate." He did as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him. His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man sitting there was. The second replied, "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead." Hearing this, the man was enlightened. FOR DEPOSIT ONLY -6- W E S T E R N U N I O N T E L E G R A M TO: JEHOVAH YAHWEH [Illustration: a man covered with hair wearing sandals pointing to CARE: CELESTIAL HOTEL (SUITE #666) two gravestones reading "O Man Of Faith," with the legend, "Apostle PRESIDENTIAL TIER, PARADISE Zarathud. A balloon reads, "You're right, son!...It would be a _waste_ of your kind of talent to go into DEAR GOD; the security business!"] THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR CURRENT POSITION AS DEITY IS HEREWITH TERMINATED DUE TO GROSS INCOMPETENCE STOP YOUR CHECK WILL BE MAILED STOP PLEASE DO NOT USE ME FOR A REFERENCE RESPECTFULLY, MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER/OMNIBENEVOLENT POLYFATHER OF VIRGINITY IN GOLD POEE HIGH PRIEST -7- THE BIRTH OF THE ERISIAN MOVEMENT: 10. The Earth quakes and the THE REVELATION Heavens rattle; the beasts of nature flock together and the beasts of men flock apart; volcanoes usher up heat while elsewhere water becomes ice and melts; and then on other days it just rains. 11. Indeed to many things come to pass. Just prior to the decade of the nineteen-sixties, when Sputnik was alone and new, and about the time that Ken Kesey took his first acid trip as a medical volunteer; before underground newspapers, Viet Nam, and talk of a second American Revolution; in the comparative quiet of the late nineteen-fifties, just before the idea of RENAISSANCE became relevant . . . Two young Californians, known later as Omar Ravenhurst and Malaclypse the Younger, were indulging in their habit of sipping coffee at an all-night bowling alley and generally solving the world's problems. This particular evening the main subject of discussion was discord and they were complaining to each other of the personal confusion they felt in their respective lives. "Solve the problem of discord," said one, "and all other problems will vanish." "Indeed," said the other, "chaos and strife are the roots of all confusion." ...First I must sprinkle you with fairy dust... SUDDENLY THE PLACE BECAME DEVOID OF LIGHT. THEN AN UTTER SILENCE ENVELOPED THEM, AND A GREAT STILLNESS WAS FELT. THEN CAME A BLINDING FLASH OF INTENSE LIGHT, AS THOUGH THEIR VERY PSYCHES HAD GONE NOVA. THEN VISION RETURNED. The two were dazed and neither moved nor spoke for several minutes. They looked around and saw that the bowlers were frozen like statues in a variety of comic positions, and that a bowling ball was steadfastly anchored to the floor only inches from the pins that it had been sent to scatter. The two looked at each other, totally unable to account for the phenomenon. The condition was one of suspension, and one noticed that the clock had stopped. ...NEW STORY OF CHAOS... no girdle ever cured a pregnancy THERE WALKED INTO THE ROOM A CHIMPANZEE, SHAGGY AND GREY ABOUT THE MUZZLE, YET UPRIGHT TO HIS FULL FIVE FEET, AND POISED WITH NATURAL MAJESTY. HE CARRIED A SCROLL AND WALKED TO THE YOUNG MEN. "GENTLEMEN," HE SAID, "WHY DOES PICKERING'S MOON GO ABOUT IN REVERSE ORBIT? GENTLEMEN, THERE ARE NIPPLES ON YOUR CHESTS; DO YOU GIVE MILK? AND WHAT, PRAY TELL, GENTLEMEN, IS TO BE DONE ABOUT HEISENBERG'S LAW?" HE PAUSED. "_SOMEBODY HAD TO PUT ALL OF THIS CONFUSION HERE!_" AND WITH THAT HE REVEALED HIS SCROLL. IT WAS A DIAGRAM, LIKE A YIN-YANG WITH A PENTAGON ON ONE SIDE AND AN APPLE ON THE OTHER. AND THEN HE EXPLODED AND THE TWO LOST CONSCIOUSNESS. THE BIRTH OF THE ERISIAN MOVEMENT: ERIS -- GODDESS OF CHAOS, DISCORD, & CONFUSION They awoke to find the sound of pins clattering, and found the bowlers engaged in their game and the waitress busy with making coffee. It was apparent that their experience had been private. They discussed their strange encounter and reconstructed from memory the chimpanzee's diagram. Over the next five days they searched libraries to find the significance of it, but were disappointed to uncover only references to Taoism, the Korean flag, and Technocracy. It was not until they traced the Greek writing on the apple that they discovered the ancient Goddess known to the Greeks as ERIS and to the Romans as DISCORDIA. This was on the fifth night, and when they slept that night each had a vivid dream of a splendid woman whose eyes were as soft as feather and as deep as eternity itself, and whose body was the spectacular dance of atoms and universes. Pyrotechnics of pure energy formed her flowing hair, and rainbows manifested and dissolved as she spoke in a warm and gentle voice: I have come to tell you that you are free. Many ages ago, My consciousness left man, that he might develop himself. I return to find this development approaching completion, but hindered by fear and by misunderstanding. You have built for yourselves psychic suits of armor, and clad in them, your vision is restricted, your movements are clumsy and painful, your skin is bruised, and your spirit is broiled in the sun. I am chaos. I am the substance from which your artists and scientists build rhythms. I am the spirit with which your children and clowns laugh in happy anarchy. I am chaos. I am alive, and I tell you that you are free. During the next months they studied philosophies and theologies, and learned that ERIS or DISCORDIA was primarily feared by the ancients as being disruptive. Indeed, the very concept of chaos was still considered equivalent to strife and treated as a negative. "No wonder things are all screwed up," they concluded, "they have got it all backwards." They found that the principle of disorder was every much as significant as the principle of order. With this in mind, they studied the strange yin-yang. During a meditation one afternoon, a voice came to them: IT IS CALLED _THE SACRED CHAO._ I APPOINT YOU KEEPERS OF IT. THEREIN YOU WILL FIND ANYTHING YOU LIKE. SPEAK OF ME AS _DISCORD,_ TO SHOW CONTRAST TO THE PENTAGON. TELL CONSTRICTED MANKIND THAT THERE ARE NO RULES, UNLESS THEY CHOOSE TO INVENT RULES. KEEP CLOSE TO THE WORDS OF SYADASTI: "'TIS AN ILL WIND THAT BLOWS NO MINDS." AND REMEMBER THAT THERE IS NO TYRANNY IN THE STATE OF CONFUSION. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, CONSULT YOUR PINEAL GLAND. "There are trivial truths & there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. "I hear music!" The opposite of a great truth is also true." -- Neils Bohr "What is this?" mumbled one to the other, "a religion based on the Goddess of Confusion? It is utter madness!" And with those words, each looked at the other in absolute awe. Omar began to giggle. Mal began to laugh. Omar began jumping up and down. Mal was hooting and hollering to beat all hell. And amid squeals of mirth and with tears on their cheeks, each appointed the other to be high priest of his own madness, and together they declared themselves to be a Society of Discordia, for whatever that may turn out to be. "Did you know that there is a million [Illustration: an ostrich bucks hidden in the house next with its head buried in the door?" ground. A balloon from the "But there is no house next door." hole reads, "WOW!"] "No? Then let's go build one!" -- Marx All things are perfect To every last flaw And bound in accord With Eris' law. -- HBT; The Book of Advice 1:7 FNORDS -> FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FNORD, FN-O-RD, FNORD, FNORD... Momomoto, famous Japanese, can swallow his nose -11- St. Trinian's SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL POLICE Sewing Circle BATTLE HYMN OF THE ERISTOCRACY by Lord Omar VERSE Mine brain has meditated on the spinning of The Chao; It is hovering o'er the table where the Chiefs of Staff are now Gathered in discussion of the dropping of the Bomb; Her Apple Corps is strong! If a quixotic Socrates CHORUS studied Zen under Grand (and gory) Old Discordja Zorba...? Grand (and gory) Old Discordja Grand (and gory) Old Discordja Her Apple Corps is strong! VERSE She was not invited to the party that they held on Limbo Peak;* So She threw a Golden Apple, 'sted of turn'd t'other cheek! O it cracked the Holy Punchbowl and it made the nectar leak Her Apple Corps is strong! ---------- * "Limbo Peak" refers to Old Limbo Peak, commonly called by the Greeks "Ol' Limb' Peak." "The tide is turning...the enemy is suffering terrible losses..." -- Gen. Geo. A. Custer -12- Persons in a Position to Know, Inc. ON PRAYER Mal-2 was once asked by one of his Disciples if he often prayed to Eris. He replied with these words: No, we Erisians seldom pray, it is much too dangerous. Charles Fort has listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with, say, a drought, and then praying fervently -- and then getting the entire village wiped out by a torrential flood. [Illustration: a pencil-drawn figured jumping up and down] "Of course, I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean [Illustration: a clip I'm wrong. I'm _mad_ but not _ill._" from a Japanese (_Werewolf Bridge,_ Robert Anton Wilson) periodical] -13- 14. Wipe thine ass with What is Written and grin like a ninny at What is Spoken. Take thine refuge with thine wine in the Nothing behind Everything, as you hurry along the Path. -- The Purple Sage HBT; The Book of Predications, Chap. 19 Heaven is down. Hell is up. This is proven by the fact that the planets and stars are orderly in their It is my firm movements, belief that it is a mistake while down on earth to hold firm beliefs we come close to the primal chaos. There are four other proofs, but I forget them. -- Josh the Dill King Kong Kabal Ignotum per ignotius* *The meaning of this is unknown [Illustration: a bird in a nest scratching its head and looking up at the rest of the page] -14- No. 2316 United States. [Illustration: a figure with the balloon, "Look, comrade, you do your own thing and I'll do mine!"] THE IMPERIAL GOVERNMENT of NORTON I. Promises to pay the holder hereof the sum of FIFTY CENTS in the year 1880, with interest at 7 per cent. per annum from date; the principal and interest to be convertible, at the option of the holder, at maturity, into 20 yuears 7 per cent. Bonds are payable in Gold Coin. Given under our Royal hand and seal this 29TH day of AUGUST 1874 NORTON I, EMPEROR Security Last Intergalactic Bank of Malaclypse Endorsed and Guaranteed CUDDY & HUGHES, Printers to His Majesty Norton I, 511 Sansome Street, S.F. IN GODDESS WE TRUST -15- The Classical Greeks were not influenced by the Classical Greeks WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT ERIS (not much) The Romans left a likeness of Her for posterity -- She was shown as a grotesque woman with a pale and ghastly look, Her eyes afire, Her garment ripped and torn, and as concealing a dagger in Her Bosom. Actually, most women look pale and ghastly when concealing a chilly dagger in their bosoms. Her geneology is from the Greeks and is utterly confused. Either She was the twin of Ares and the daughter of Zeus and Hera; or She was the daughter of Nyx, goddess of night (who was either the daughter or wife of Chaos, or both), and Nyx's brother, Erebus, and whose brothers and sisters included Death, Doom, Mockery, Misery, and Friendship. And that She begat Forgetfulness, Quarrels, Lies, and a bunch of gods and goddesses like that. One day Mal-2 consulted his pineal gland* and asked Eris if She really created all of those terrible things. She told him that She had always liked the Old Greeks, but that they cannot be trusted with historic matters. "They were," She added, "victims of indigestion, you know." Suffice it to say that Eris is not hateful or malicious. But She is mischievous, and does get a little bitchy at times. ---------- * THE PINEAL GLAND is where each and every one of us can talk to Eris. If you have trouble activating your pineal, then try the appendix which does almost as well. Reference: DOGMA I, METAPHYSICS #3, "The Indoctrine of the Pineal Gland." DIRUIT AEDIFICAT MUTAT GUADRATA ROTUNDUS -- Horace -16- THE INSIDE STORY!| THE LAW OF FIVES The Law of Fives is one of the oldest Erisian Mysterees. It was first revealed to Good Lord Omar and is one of the great contributions to come from The Hidden Temple of The Happy Jesus. POEE subscribes to the Law of Fives of Omar's sect. And POEE also recognizes the Holy 23 (2 + 3 = 5) that is incorporated by Episkopos Dr. Mordecai Malignatius, K.N.S., into his Discordian sect, the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria. The Law of Fives states simply that: ALL THINGS HAPPEN IN FIVES, OR ARE DIVISIBLE BY OR ARE MULTIPLES OF FIVE, OR ARE SOMEHOW DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY APPROPRIATE TO FIVE. The Law of Fives is never wrong. In the Erisian Archives is an old memo from Omar to Mal-2: "I find the Law of Fives to be more and more manifest the harder I look." Please do not use this document as toilet tissue The Nagas of Upper Burma say the sun shines by day because, being a woman, it is afraid to venture out at night. -17- "You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too." [Illustration: the -- John Kenneth Galbraith Golden Apple] THE MYTH OF THE APPLE OF DISCORD It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of Her reputation as a trouble-maker.* This made Eris angry, and so She fashioned a apple of pure gold** and inscribed upon it KALLISTI, "to the prettiest one," and on the day of the fete She rolled it into the banquet hall and then left to be alone and joyously partake of a hot dog. Now, three of the invited goddesses,*** Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite, each immediately claimed it to belong to herself because of the inscription. And they started fighting, and they started throwing punch all over the place and everything. Finally Zeus calmed things down and declared that an arbitrator must be selected, which was a reasonable suggestion, and all agreed. He sent them to a shepherd of Troy, whose name was Paris because his mother had had a lot of gaul and had married a Frenchman; but each of the sneaky goddesses tried to outwit the others by going early and offering a bribe to Paris. Athena offered him Heroic War Victories, Hera offered him Great Wealth, and Aphrodite offered him The Most Beautiful Woman on Earth. Being a healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodite's bribe and she got the apple and he got screwed. As she had promised, she maneuvered earthly happenings so that Paris could have Helen (_the_ Helen) then living with her husband Menelaus, King of Sparta. Anyway, everyone knows that the Trojan War followed when Sparta demanded their queen back and that the Trojan War is said to be the First War Among Men. And so we suffer because of The Original Snub. And so a Discordian is to partake of No Hot Dog Buns. Do you believe that? ---------- * This is called THE DOCTRINE OF THE ORIGINAL SNUB. ** There is historic disagreement concerning whether this apple was of metallic gold or Acapulco. *** Actually there were five goddesses, but the Greeks did not know of the Law of Fives. +-----------+ | Remember: | | KING KONG | | Died For | | Your Sins | +-----------+ Ho Chi Zen is 5. An Age of Confusion, or an Ancient Age, is King Cong one in which History As We Know It begins to unfold, in which Whatever Is Coming emerges in Corporal Form, more or less, and such times are Ages of Balanced Unbalance, or Unbalanced Balance. 6. An Age of Bureaucracy is an Imperial Age in which Things Mature, in which COnfusion becomes entrenched and during which Balanced Balance, or Stagnation, is attained. 7. An Age of Disorder or an Aftermath is an Apocalyptic Period of Transition back to Chaos through the Screen of Oblivion into which the Age passeth, finally. These are Ages of Unbalanced Unbalance. HBT; The Book of Uterus, Chap. 3 -19- DO YOU REMEMBER? 1. Polite children will always remember that a church is the __________ of __________. AN ERISIAN HYMN by Rev. Dr. Mungojerry Grindlebone, K.O.B. Episkopos, The Rayville Apple Panthers Onward Christian Soldiers, Onward Buddhist Priests. Mr. Momomoto, famous Japanese Onward, fruits of Islam, who can swallow his nose, has Fight 'till you're deceased. been exposed! It was recently Fight your little battles, revealed that it was Momomoto's Join in thickets fray; brother who has been doing all For the Greater Glory, of this nose swallowing. of Dis-cor-di-a. Yeah, yeah, yeah, [Illustration: a flag] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Heute die Welt Blffffffffffft! Morgens Das Sonnensystem Abbey of the Barbarous Relic -20- OFFICIAL PROCLAMATION ODD# III[b]/4,i;18Aft3135 POEE DISORGANIZATION MATRIX DEPARTMENT OF THE NAVY [Illustration: the V) THE HOUSE OF APOSTLES OF ERIS Golden Apple] For the Eristocracy and the Cabalablia BUREAU OF SHIPS A. The Five Apostles of Eris B. The Golden Apple Corps (K.S.C.) C. Episkoposes of the Discordian Society D. POEE Cabal Priests E. Saints, Erisian Avatars, and Like Personages IV) THE HOUSE OF THE RISING PODGE For the Disciples of Discordia A. Office of My High Reverence, the Polyfather B. Council of POEE Priests C. The Legion of Dynamic Discord D. Eristic Avatars E. Aneristic Avatars NOTE: A, B, and C are POEE PROPER; while D and E are POEE IMPROPER III) THE HOUSE OF THE RISING HODGE For the Bureaucracy A. The Bureau of Erisian Archives B. The Bureau of the POEE Epistolary, and The Division of Dogmas C. The Bureau for Symbols, Emblems, Certificates, and Such D. The Bureau of Eristic Affairs, and The Administry for the Unenlightened Eristic Horde E. The Bureau of Aneristic Affairs, and The Administry for the Orders of Discordia II) THE HOUSE OF THE RISING COLLAPSE For the Encouragement of Liberation of Freedom, and/or the Discouragement of the Immanentizing of the Eschaton A. The Breeze of Wisdom and/or The Wind of Insanity B. The Breeze of Integrity and/or The Wind of Arrogance C. The Breeze of Beauty and/or The Wind of Outrages D. The Breeze of Love and/or The Wind of Bombast E. The Breeze of Laughter and/or The Wind of Bullshit I) THE OUT HOUSE For what is left over A. Miscellaneous Avatars B. The Fifth Column C. POEE =POPES= everywhere D. Drawer "O" for OUT OF FILE E. Lost Documents and Forgotten Truths _ | _ OFFICIAL -- POEE \|/ Head Temple, San Francisco _/|\_ HOUSE OF THE RISING PODGE | Bureau of The POEE Epistolary [Illustration: various stamped items, such as "REGISTERED" and "AN ICE CREAM PRODUCT"] Office of my High Reverence Malaclypse the Younger, K.S.C. OPOVIG -- High Priest POEE -21- EXCLUSIVE: THE FIVE FINGERED HAND OF ERIS _ | _ \|/ _/|\_ | The official symbol of POEE is here illustrated. It may be this, or any similar device to represent TWO OPPOSING ARROWS CONVERGING INTO A COMMON POINT. It may be vertical, horizontal, or else such, and it may be elaborated or simplified as desired. The esoteric name for this symbol is THE FIVE FINGERED HAND OF ERIS, commonly shortened to THE HAND. _ NOTE: In the lore of western magic, the / \_ is taken to symbolize horns, especially the horns of Satan or of diabolical beasties. The Five Fingered Hand of Eris, however, is not intended to be taken as satanic, for the "horns" are supported by another set of inverted "horns." Or maybe it is walrus tusks. I don't know what it is, to tell the truth. "Surrealism aims at the total transofmration of the mind and all that resembles it." -- Breton -22- POEE POEE (pronounced "POEE") is an acronym for THE PARATHEO- ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC. The first part can be taken to mean "equivalent deity, reversing beyond-mystique." We are not really esoteric, it's just that nobody pays much attention to us. MY HIGH REVERENCE MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER, A.B., D.D., K.S.C., is the High Priest of POEE, and POEE is grounded in his episkopotic revelations of the Goddess. He is called the Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Virginity in Gold. The POEE HEAD TEMPLE is the Joshua Norton Cabal of the Discordian Society, which is located in Mal-2's pineal gland and can be found by temporally and spacially locating the rest of Mal-2. POEE has no treasury, no by-laws, no articles, no guides save Mal- 2's pineal gland, and has only one scruple -- which Mal-2 keeps on his key chain. POEE has not registered, incorporated, or otherwise chartered with the State, and so the State does not recognize POEE or POEE ordinations, which is only fair, because POEE does not recognize the State. POEE is five DEGREES: There is the neophyte, or LEGIONNAIRE DISCIPLE. The LEGIONNAIRE DEACON, who is catching on. The Ordained POEE PRIEST/PRIESTESS or a CHAPLIN. The HIGH PRIEST, the Polyfather. And POEE =POPES=. POEE LEGIONNAIRE DISCIPLES are authorized to initiate others as Discordian Society Legionnaires. PRIESTS appoint their own DEACONS. The POLYFATHER ordains Priests. I don't know about the =POPES=. [Illustration: a five-pointed "This book is a mirror. When a star with a "5" in the center] monkey looks in, no apostle looks out." -- Lichtenberg -23- OFFICIAL [Illustration: a DISCORDIAN SOCIETY flaming eye-in-the- HAIL ERIS pyramid] APPLICATION OF MEMBERSHIP In the Erisian Movement of the DISCORDIAN SOCIETY 1. Today's date Yesterday's date 2. Purpose of this application: -- membership in a. Legion of Dynamic Discord b. POEE c. Bavarian Illuminati d. All of the above e. None of the above f. Other -- be SPECIFIC! 3. Name: __________________________. Holy Name: _________________. Address: _______________________________________________________. If temporary, also give an address from which mail can be forwarded 4. Description: Born [ ] yes [ ] no. Eyes [ ] 2 [ ] other. Height: _____ fl. oz. Last time you had a haircut: Reason: __________________________________. Race: [ ] horse [ ] human. I.Q.: 150-200 200-250 250-300 over 300. 5. History: Education -- highest grade completed 1 2 3 4 5 6 over 6th. Professional: On another ream of paper list every job since 1937 from which you have been fired. Medical: On a separate sheet labeled "confidential," list all major psychotic episodes experienced within the last 24 hours. 6. Sneaky questions to establish personality traits: I would rather a. live in an outhouse b. play in a rock group c. eat caterpillars. I wear obscene tattoos because _____________ _________________. I have ceased raping little children [ ] yes [ ] no -- reason: ______________________________________________. 7. Self-portrait +------------------+ SENDER WAITING! | LICK HERE! | Answer by wire | () | | (You may be one | Rev. Mungo | of the lucky 25) | For Office Use Only -- acc. rej. burned +------------------+ -24- \ / -------- / \ POEE & ITS PRIESTS If you like Erisianism as it is presented according to Mal-2, then you may wish to form your own POEE CABAL as a POEE PRIEST and you can go do a bunch of POEE Priestly Things. A "POEE Cabal" is exactly what you think it is. The High Priest makes no demands on his Priests, though he does rather expect good will of them. The Office of the Polyfather is to point, not to teach. Once in a while, he even listens. Should you find that your own revelations of the Goddess become substantially different than the revelations of Mal-2, then perhaps the Goddess has plans for you as an Episkopos, and you might consider creating your own sect from scratch, unhindered. Episkoposes are not competing with each other, and they are all POEE Priests anyway (as soon as I locate them). The point is that Episkoposes are developing separate paths to the Erisian mountain top. See the section "Discordian Society." CAUTION <---------<< INSERTS ORDINATION AS A POEE PRIEST There are no particular qualifications for Ordination because if you want to be a POEE Priest then you must undoubtedlly qualify. Who could possible know better than you whether or not you should be Ordinaned? An ORDINED POEE PRIEST or PRIESTESS is defined as "one who holds an Ordination Certificate from the Office of the Polyfather." Seek into the Chao if you wouldst be wise And find ye delight in Her Great Surprise! Look into the Chao if you wantest to know What's in a Chao and why it ain't so! HBT; The Book of Advice, 1:1 -25- Would Council of Churches Boutique NOTE TO POEE PRIESTS The Polyfather wishes to remind all Erisians that POEE was conceived not as a commercial enterprise, and that you are requested to keep your cool when seeking funds for POEE Cabals or when spreading the POEE Word via the marketplace. [Illustration: a man wearing a Mickey Mouse hat bursting out of a newspaper, with the balloon, "Hey! Where's da pixs? Mumble, mumble, pissondis...!"] -26- The hidden stone ripens fast, Then laid bare like a turnip Can easily be cut out at last But even then the danger isn't past. That man lives best who's fain To live half mad, half sane. -- Flemish Poet Jan van Stijevoort, 1524 THE ERISIAN AFFIRMATION BEFORE THE GODDESS ERIS, I (name or holy name), DO HEREWITH DECLARE MYSELF A POEE BROTHER OF THE LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD. HAIL HAIL HAIL HAIL HAIL ERIS ERIS ERIS ERIS ERIS ALL HAIL DISCORDIA! The presiding POEE Official (if any) responds: ALL HAIL DISCORDIA! DON'T PHONE FIND THE GODDESS ERIS To diverse gods WITHIN YOUR PINEAL GLAND Do mortals bow; POEE Holy Cow, and Wholly Chao. -- Rev. Dr. Grindlebone "Common sense is what tells you that Monroe Cabal the world is flat." -27- [Illustration: a cockroach] This is St. Gulik. He is the Messenger of the Goddess. A different age from ours called him Hermes. Many people have called him by many names. He is a Roach. Legion of Dynamic Discord HARK! Recognize that the -- Discordian Society -- doth hereby certify as a Legionnaire Glory to we children of ERIS! Presented under the auspices of our Lady of Discord, ERIS, by the House of the Apostles of ERIS. \ / [Illustration: the -------- Golden Apple] / \ D S OFFICE OF MY HIGH REVERENCE MALALCYPSE THE YOUNGER, K.S.C. OPOVIG -- HIGH PRIEST POEE -28- GENERAL LICENSE HOW TO START A POEE CABAL WITHOUT MESSING AROUND WITH THE POLYFATHER If you cannot find the Polyfather, or having found him, don't want anything to do with him, you are still authorized to form your own POEE CABAL and do Priestly Things, using the _Principia Discordia_ as a guide. Your Official Rank will be POEE CHAPLIN for THE LEGION OF DYNAMIC DISCORD, which is exactly the same as a POEE PRIEST except that you don't have an Ordination Certificate. The words you are now reading are your ordination. HOW TO BECOME A POEE CHAPLIN 1. Write the ERISIAN AFFIRMATION in five copies. 2.