My Lovely and Talented Copy Editor has been complaining that my recents posts have gotten rather technical in nature. Well, to that, I reply: yes, but that's because computers are easier to reason about than English spelling (which is, oddly enough, one of the current topics on a computer related mailing list I'm on). For instance:
Four letters cause me disillusion > OUGH makes phonetic confusion > Four simple letters with four pronunciations > Make learning English tough for Asians.
OUGH has no logic, no rule > Or rhyme or rhythm; it will fool > All who struggle to master expression > English may cause thorough depression.
I pour some water in a trough > I sneeze and splutter, then I cough. > And with a rough hewn bough > My muddy paddy fields I plough.
Loaves of warm bread in a row > Crispy crusts and doughy dough. > Now, my final duty to do > And then my chores will all be through.
My lament is finished, even though > Learning this word game is really slow. > It is so difficult, it's very rough > Learning English is really tough.
If a trough was a truff > And a plough was a pluff > If dough was duff > And though was thuff > If cough was cuff > And through was thruff > I would not pretend, or try to bluff, > But of OUGH I've had enough
“Enough Is Enough” by Rosemary Chen
And another neat gem from the computer related mailing list I'm on: take this sentence:
Show this bold Prussian that praises slaughter, slaughter brings rout. Teach this slaughter-lover his fall nears.
Remove the first letter of each word, and you get a completely different sentence!
How his old Russian hat raises laughter—laughter rings out! Each, his laughter over, is all ears.
English is weird (and here I thought “I” before “E” except after “C”—I guess that makes “weird” weird).
Of course, there exist other poems about the oddities of the English langauge, like this one:
When the English tongue we speak > Why is break not rhymed with weak? > Won't you tell me why it's true > We say sew, but also few? > And the maker of a verse > Cannot rhyme his horse with worse? > Beard is not the same as heard, > Cord is different from word, > Cow is cow, but low is low, > Shoe is never rhymed with foe. > Think of hose and dose and lose, > And think of goose and yet of choose, > Think of comb and tomb and bomb, > Doll and roll and home and some. > And since pay is rhymed with say, > Why not paid with said I pray? > Think of blood and food and good; > Mould is not pronounced like could. > Why is it done, but gone and lone > Is there any reason known? > To sum it up, it seems to me > That sounds and letters don't agree.
But perhaps the most well know is this poem:
Dearest creature in creation > Studying English pronunciation, > I will teach you in my verse > Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
I will keep you, Susy, busy, > Make your head with heat grow dizzy; > Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear; > Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.
Pray, console your loving poet, > Make my coat look new, dear, sew it! > Just compare heart, hear and heard, > Dies and diet, lord and word.
Sword and sward, retain and Britain > (Mind the latter how it's written). > Made has not the sound of bade, > Say—said, pay—paid, laid but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you > With such words as vague and ague, > But be careful how you speak, > Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak,
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via > Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir; > Woven, oven, how and low, > Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Say, expecting fraud and trickery: > Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore, > Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles, > Missiles, similes, reviles.
Wholly, holly, signal, signing, > Same, examining, but mining, > Scholar, vicar, and cigar, > Solar, mica, war and far.
From “desire”: desirable—admirable from “admire”, > Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier, > Topsham, brougham, renown, but known, > Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,
One, anemone, Balmoral, > Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel. > Gertrude, German, wind and wind, > Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather, > Reading, Reading, heathen, heather. > This phonetic labyrinth > Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
Have you ever yet endeavoured > To pronounce revered and severed, > Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul, > Peter, petrol and patrol?
Billet does not end like ballet; > Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. > Blood and flood are not like food, > Nor is mould like should and would.
Banquet is not nearly parquet, > Which exactly rhymes with khaki. > Discount, viscount, load and broad, > Toward, to forward, to reward,
Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet? > Right! Your pronunciation's OK. > Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, > Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Is your R correct in higher? > Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia. > Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot, > Buoyant, minute, but minute.
Say abscission with precision, > Now: position and transition; > Would it tally with my rhyme > If I mentioned paradigm?
Twopence, threepence, tease are easy, > But cease, crease, grease and greasy? > Cornice, nice, valise, revise, > Rabies, but lullabies.
Of such puzzling words as nauseous, > Rhyming well with cautious, tortious, > You'll envelop lists, I hope, > In a linen envelope.
Would you like some more? You'll have it! > Affidavit, David, davit. > To abjure, to perjure. Sheik > Does not sound like Czech but ache.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven, > Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven. > We say hallowed, but allowed, > People, leopard, towed but vowed.
Mark the difference, moreover, > Between mover, plover, Dover. > Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, > Chalice, but police and lice,
Camel, constable, unstable, > Principle, disciple, label. > Petal, penal, and canal, > Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,
Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit > Rhyme with “shirk it” and “beyond it”, > But it is not hard to tell > Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron, > Timber, climber, bullion, lion, > Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, > Senator, spectator, mayor,
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour > Has the A of drachm and hammer. > Pussy, hussy and possess, > Desert, but desert, address.
Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants > Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants. > Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb, > Cow, but Cowper, some and home.
“Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker”, > Quoth he, “than liqueur or liquor”, > Making, it is sad but true, > In bravado, much ado.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger, > Neither does devour with clangour. > Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt, > Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.
Arsenic, specific, scenic, > Relic, rhetoric, hygienic. > Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close, > Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.
Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle, > Make the latter rhyme with eagle. > Mind! Meandering but mean, > Valentine and magazine.
And I bet you, dear, a penny, > You say mani-(fold) like many, > Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier, > Tier (one who ties), but tier.
Arch, archangel; pray, does erring > Rhyme with herring or with stirring? > Prison, bison, treasure trove, > Treason, hover, cover, cove,
Perseverance, severance. Ribald > Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled. > Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw, > Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.
Don't be down, my own, but rough it, > And distinguish buffet, buffet; > Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon, > Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.
Say in sounds correct and sterling > Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling. > Evil, devil, mezzotint, > Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)
Now you need not pay attention > To such sounds as I don't mention, > Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws, > Rhyming with the pronoun yours;
Nor are proper names included, > Though I often heard, as you did, > Funny rhymes to unicorn, > Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.
No, my maiden, coy and comely, > I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley. > No. Yet Froude compared with proud > Is no better than McLeod.
But mind trivial and vial, > Tripod, menial, denial, > Troll and trolley, realm and ream, > Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.
Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely > May be made to rhyme with Raleigh, > But you're not supposed to say > Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.
Had this invalid invalid > Worthless documents? How pallid, > How uncouth he, couchant, looked, > When for Portsmouth I had booked!
Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite, > Paramour, enamoured, flighty, > Episodes, antipodes, > Acquiesce, and obsequies.
Please don't monkey with the geyser, > Don't peel 'taters with my razor, > Rather say in accents pure: > Nature, stature and mature.
Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly, > Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly, > Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan, > Wan, sedan and artisan.
The TH will surely trouble you > More than R, CH or W. > Say then these phonetic gems: > Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.
Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham, > There are more but I forget 'em— > Wait! I've got it: Anthony, > Lighten your anxiety.
The archaic word albeit > Does not rhyme with eight—you see it; > With and forthwith, one has voice, > One has not, you make your choice.
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger; > Then say: singer, ginger, linger. > Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge, > Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,
Hero, heron, query, very, > Parry, tarry, fury, bury, > Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth, > Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.
Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners, > Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners > Holm you know, but noes, canoes, > Puisne, truism, use, to use?
Though the difference seems little, > We say actual, but victual, > Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height, > Put, nut, granite, and unite
Reefer does not rhyme with deafer, > Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer. > Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late, > Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.
Gaelic, Arabic, pacific, > Science, conscience, scientific; > Tour, but our, dour, succour, four, > Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit, > Next omit, which differs from it > Bona fide, alibi > Gyrate, dowry and awry.
Sea, idea, guinea, area, > Psalm, Maria, but malaria. > Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean, > Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian, > Dandelion with battalion, > Rally with ally; yea, ye, > Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!
Say aver, but ever, fever, > Neither, leisure, skein, receiver. > Never guess—it is not safe, > We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.
Starry, granary, canary, > Crevice, but device, and eyrie, > Face, but preface, then grimace, > Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging, > Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging; > Ear, but earn; and ere and tear > Do not rhyme with here but heir.
Mind the O of off and often > Which may be pronounced as orphan, > With the sound of saw and sauce; > Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.
Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting? > Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting. > Respite, spite, consent, resent. > Liable, but Parliament.
Seven is right, but so is even, > Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen, > Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk, > Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.
A of valour, vapid, vapour, > S of news (compare newspaper), > G of gibbet, gibbon, gist, > I of antichrist and grist,
Differ like diverse and divers, > Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers. > Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll, > Polish, Polish, poll and poll.
Pronunciation—think of Psyche!— > Is a paling, stout and spiky. > Won't it make you lose your wits > Writing groats and saying 'grits'?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel > Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale, > Islington, and Isle of Wight, > Housewife, verdict and indict.
Don't you think so, reader, rather, > Saying lather, bather, father? > Finally, which rhymes with enough, > Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??
Hiccough has the sound of sup … > My advice is: GIVE IT UP!
“The Chaos” by Gerard Nolst Trenité
After that, I think understanding call with current continuation [1] with monads [2] is easier to grok than English spelling.
[1] http://c2.com/cgi/wiki?CallWithCurrentContinuation