So that students may quickly grasp the totality and essence of that *mystical-whistical, exotic, unchanging, and ineffable* land of the far Orient, filled with bright yellow people with wEiRd eYeS, I’ve concocted the following cheat sheet to historically locate various ætiologies of What China Is. All of these analyses are very deep and important Ideas, if now superseded by better understanding of that wondrously *alien* land, as any Sinologist worth his faux Ming dynasty chinoiserie cabinets will affirm. Please study carefully, children.
China is where silk comes from, basically.
China is the Kingdom of Prester John, basically.
China is Kublai Khan’s silk farm, basically.
China is a good place to biz, bro, basically.
China is Antient Greece, basically.
China is a good place to control through our missionaries, basically.
China is Plato’s Republic, the font of Reason, basically.
China is unchanging, has no history, basically.
China is a good place to sell drugs, basically.
China is a good place to force by war to buy our narcotics despite them saying no, basically.
China is not to be trusted, basically.
China is a good place to enslave coolies, basically.
China is full of wise, rational gentlemen who like bowing, basically.
China is æternally unchanging, and must be prevented from changing, basically.
China is scary, basically.
China is full of submissive, sexy tarts to boink but not marry, basically.
China is æternally unchanging, forever and ever, amen, basically.
China is full of mystical truths we can mine as an industrial hobby, basically.
China is peasant coolies who have only themselves to blame, basically.
China is peasant coolies who will show us the way to Marxist Utopia, basically.
China is very bad at science and steals everything from us, basically.
China is scary, basically.
China is very good at science and we need to steal everything from them, basically.
China is changing, but never used to change, and steals their change from us, basically.
China is very warlike despite us going to war far more than them, basically.
China is full of wise, rational gentlemen who like bowing, basically.
China is full of submissive, sexy tarts to bonk and maybe marry when you are 75 years old, bro, basically.
China is a cool place to biz, bro, basically.
China is a bad place to biz, bro, basically.
China is scary, basically.
Well, there you have it. The summa sinologica, the accumulated analyses of What China Is. All you need to learn henceforth are merest trifles. Your final exam will be next week.
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