https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rr6ay/tifu_by_cumming_into_a_coconut/
created by coconutthrowaway69 on 05/08/2017 at 10:56 UTC*
114575 upvotes, 54 top-level comments (showing 25)
EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:
This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.
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Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.
Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.
I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of *concerted* effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.
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For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its *delightfully* tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".
About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.
You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and *TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS*. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.
I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.
TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.
EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.
EDIT 2: RIP inbox
EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back
EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.
Comment by Elvenstar32 at 05/08/2017 at 13:25 UTC
19697 upvotes, 6 direct replies
I get that your horny brain made you think that fucking a coconut was a good idea, that's not even what surprises me.
But your brain is supposed to return to normal after you blow your load so why did your normal brain tell you "it's fine to leave an open coconut in a warm room with semen and butter in it" and most importantly how were you not disgusted at the idea of fapping by using your several days old semen as lubricant ?!
Comment by [deleted] at 16/08/2017 at 20:33 UTC
4202 upvotes, 6 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by [deleted] at 05/08/2017 at 13:42 UTC
8477 upvotes, 3 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by Krazyflipz at 05/08/2017 at 13:06 UTC
10686 upvotes, 4 direct replies
I think my favorite part of the story is the 20 minutes you spent drilling the hole in the coconut. That really show some serious commitment to your goals. 20 minutes prepping a coconut for fornication and at no point do you stop to second guess yourself. Way to stand by your decision.
Comment by Darkmagiciancat at 05/08/2017 at 12:08 UTC
1811 upvotes, 3 direct replies
"Health Nut" phase
Comment by SiegeLion1 at 05/08/2017 at 12:55 UTC
37290 upvotes, 3 direct replies
"Huh, this thing smells like it's rotting a bit, I guess I should shove my dick in it one last time"
What the fuck OP?
Comment by gleddez at 05/08/2017 at 13:01 UTC
13632 upvotes, 4 direct replies
I was worried that your mum was accidentally gonna use the cumconut whilst cooking and serve it as a meal for dinner.
Comment by NoobDeGuerra at 05/08/2017 at 12:23 UTC*
8640 upvotes, 7 direct replies
Also, OP should have treated the coconut like condoms, use just once or twice
Comment by Ethan_Chandler at 05/08/2017 at 12:05 UTC
24203 upvotes, 7 direct replies
"I hear my mother is going to be out for the entire afternoon. Horny me decides it would be the perfect time to fuck a coconut"
Boy I tell ya, if I had a dollar for every time I had that same thought.
Comment by Mesky1 at 05/08/2017 at 13:54 UTC
637 upvotes, 1 direct replies
You ever wonder if one of the maggots found its way into your dickhole and you just have like a giant fly slowly growing inside of you?
Comment by Blitzilla at 05/08/2017 at 12:40 UTC
3664 upvotes, 3 direct replies
My mother at the time
That phrase felt weird when I first read it, but by the time I was done reading this tifu, it all made sense.
Comment by [deleted] at 05/08/2017 at 11:56 UTC
5561 upvotes, 3 direct replies
Comment by RMcD94 at 05/08/2017 at 12:54 UTC
4561 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate
Well there goes your anonymity...
Comment by KSP_Wolf at 05/08/2017 at 12:10 UTC
4064 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Everything was fine until you mentioned it trying to wriggle into your urethra then i had a full body cringe
Comment by magnament at 05/08/2017 at 11:56 UTC
2201 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Thank god, I thought reddit was starting to lose its wholesome material.
Comment by Everyones_Grudge at 05/08/2017 at 12:49 UTC
1368 upvotes, 3 direct replies
"Throwaway because my family knows my username"
"Anyway I was living in this very specific part of the world at a very specific time *with my family*".
Comment by Wy4m at 05/08/2017 at 12:37 UTC
278 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Hormones are one hell of a drug.
Comment by ijak6 at 05/08/2017 at 11:57 UTC
2022 upvotes, 4 direct replies
What the fuck did I just read?!
Comment by jhflif at 05/08/2017 at 12:19 UTC
961 upvotes, 1 direct replies
A lot of times people post stories like these using a throwaway account but the details are so specific and particular that I would think that your family members would easily figure out that it was you even without you having used your main account. I mean come on Northern Mozambique, a mom who frequently buys coconuts etc.
Comment by Glu7enFree at 05/08/2017 at 12:22 UTC
355 upvotes, 4 direct replies
Does this mean you're a father?
Comment by jkelly161 at 05/08/2017 at 11:47 UTC
145 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Quite the nutty situation.
Comment by WarehouseToYou at 05/08/2017 at 13:03 UTC
142 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Jesus this exploded
So did the coconut
Comment by GeneralMalaiseRB at 05/08/2017 at 12:18 UTC
284 upvotes, 2 direct replies
"And that, kids, is how I got the nickname 'Maggot Dick.'"
Comment by Maikster at 05/08/2017 at 13:07 UTC
102 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I thought this was going in the direction of someone finding the coconut and eating/drinking it and being surprised by a particularly salty taste. Not sure which ending is worse
Comment by chuck_beef at 05/08/2017 at 14:19 UTC
188 upvotes, 2 direct replies
"my family knows my main reddit username."
"Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough"
OP goes on to list extremely specific details about their life