https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/owzrq1/fed_up_of_having_to_accommodate_mens_anger/
created by GlencoraPalliser on 03/08/2021 at 09:21 UTC*
2010 upvotes, 58 top-level comments (showing 25)
I am dating on Tinder which is grim for a number of reasons, but this morning I had to stay smiling and sweet in the face of a man’s unjustified anger and I am fed up with it.
This guy and I matched. We texted a tiny little bit yesterday about pets, where we have lived, where we came from, etc and then he asked for a date. I told him I never meet in real life without an online meeting first. He winged a bit (“This is a first for me”, “Online is so impersonal”) but agreed.
So this morning we met online. The discussion was extremely boring, so after 10 minutes I said that it had been lovely to meet him, but I didn’t think we had a spark and wished him all the best on his dating journey. ..at which point he got angry. Apparently he knew online wouldn’t work, I didn’t give him a real chance, etc. And I had to keep smiling and apologizing because I couldn’t risk angering further an angry guy who might be able to find me in real life. I couldn’t say “Frack off you entitled, boring p@#{body}amp;*” like I wanted to say. And I am fed up men expect us to absorb their anger and smile back at them just because they are scary. They should just not be scary!
EDIT: Thank you very much for the awards!
For those of you asking why I didn’t tell him to fuck off…it all happened very quickly, he switched from boring to angry and all I could think about was “How much does he know about me? Can he find me?”. He probably cannot find me, but it was difficult to decide that in the moment, think about and then react, I just reacted on instinct. And I have some past history with an angry man which, I know, influences my reactions…
The online meet is an absolute must before meeting in real life. I would urge everyone to make it a firm boundary. Stay safe!
Comment by medlabunicorn at 03/08/2021 at 10:12 UTC
1238 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Thank goodness you insisted on an online meeting first.
Comment by Peaurxnanski at 03/08/2021 at 14:29 UTC
107 upvotes, 3 direct replies
Jesus, how freaking fragile is someone that a polite "no thank you" spins them into this?
I'll bet they're an absolute dream to be in a relationship with.
Comment by First-Rub3974 at 03/08/2021 at 14:48 UTC
78 upvotes, 3 direct replies
This is why people ghost
Comment by [deleted] at 03/08/2021 at 11:03 UTC
258 upvotes, 2 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by UnRetiredCassandra at 03/08/2021 at 14:40 UTC
172 upvotes, 3 direct replies
See, I like to hang up on them while *I* am talking.
That way it looks like they terminated the call, and provides me an even easier out. "Well, it seemed like you hung up on me, so ..."
Comment by LaceyLizard at 03/08/2021 at 16:26 UTC
45 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Apparently he knew online wouldn’t work
He was right. Because he knows irl he makes women too scared and uncomfortable to refuse him to his face. Because of the safety of the computer screen you could speak freely and that infuriated him. Like a dog barking through a window.
Comment by angelliu at 03/08/2021 at 09:54 UTC
274 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Girl I feel you. The sodding never ending tantrums are real. They do it from 7 to 70, it’s so exhausting.
Comment by trailrunner68 at 03/08/2021 at 09:56 UTC
116 upvotes, 0 direct replies
No excuse for that behavior. I’m sure “in person” doesn’t work well for him either.
Comment by Eponarose at 03/08/2021 at 10:51 UTC
169 upvotes, 2 direct replies
The minute they get nasty, shut them down. That's what that "OFF" button is for. You don't have to put up with anything to feel safe, just cut him off. Let him have that angry little pity party all by himself!
Comment by Perfect-Lawfulness-6 at 03/08/2021 at 10:05 UTC
131 upvotes, 0 direct replies
So exhausting. Dude is just throwing a fit because none of this is working out because he has the personality of a wet fart. That's not your fault. I don't see why you can't tell him to fuck himself. I did it all the time during online dating.
Comment by [deleted] at 03/08/2021 at 12:03 UTC*
75 upvotes, 1 direct replies
[deleted]
Comment by goldanred at 03/08/2021 at 20:25 UTC
14 upvotes, 0 direct replies
The very first time I matched with someone on Tinder, we set a date for a week and a half ish later. I asked if he wanted to chat before the date, get to know each other and all, and he said no, he wanted to save that for our in-person meeting. Alright, sure, I don't know how this works.
So we meet up for our date. We get coffee and talk about stuff. He's kinda monotone and generally unenthusiastic, and I just don't really feel a spark. We have enough similar interests that I could see hanging out together with a group of people who are also into those hobbies, but I knew from almost the start this wasn't going to be a romantic thing. We parted ways without giving contact info, and all seemed okay.
Then my phone died unexpectedly at work. I got a new one as quickly as I could, but still I was radio silent for a few days. When I logged back in, he'd blown up in messages about how disrespectful it is to ghost, how he bought me a drink and a snack and I owe him an explanation, how he had thought I'd be a great girlfriend but now he doesn't want anything to do with me unless I essentially grovel... I apologized and told him my phone was destroyed. He turned sickly sweet and asked for a second date. I said no. He got intense again. I ignored his further messages.
Comment by strawberry_nivea at 03/08/2021 at 13:00 UTC
93 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I'm sick of this. Not dating anymore but I recently posted on the Bumble subreddit explaining how a female experience on the app is, as a way to explain the post that was about men not getting marches. I got ripped, because apparently we have to take pity on every single one (it would have been a full time job to answer all the messages! And they don't want easy women but somehow we have to date all of them and not reject any? Damn if you do damn if you don't). I gave up when a psycho gave full on speeches about the nuclear family etc .. dating is supposed to be fun! We don't owe shit to men or society.
When I was still dating I'd bail out at the first sign I didn't like. I was married for 11 years before that and sacrificed enough. And I sacrificed some more in my current relationship but now I know I'd rather be alone and can be alone. We don't owe men anything. And men are the ones murdering and raping and abusing us, why would we take risks and give psychos a chance? If you're not boyfriend material then you don't become a boyfriend.
Comment by MonteCristo85 at 03/08/2021 at 16:50 UTC
10 upvotes, 0 direct replies
While I completely understand you focusing on your safety, I wish we could point out to guys like this "your anger of this is precisely why we have to insist on online meetings"
Comment by HomeistheO_NE at 03/08/2021 at 12:21 UTC
38 upvotes, 2 direct replies
I just don't understand guys that get angry like this in online dating. Like it doesn't make sense to me 🤷♂️
Comment by Bacon_Bitz at 03/08/2021 at 16:08 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I just want to say your pre-meeting idea is so great! It saves you both time & money if it’s a hard no. Clearly it works to screen guys like this. But I also bet when you do meet a good one you get the awkward part over with so the actual date is probably more relaxed!
May the odds ever be in your favor!!
Comment by HighonDoughnuts at 03/08/2021 at 20:27 UTC
8 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Wonder why he’s single?
Comment by thebestisyettobe33 at 03/08/2021 at 14:32 UTC
6 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I’m really sorry you had to deal with that nonsense. You are 100% right it is exhausting!! I also think it’s really ridiculous how every time someone posts on here there is a handful of people who feel it necessary to give some psychoanalysis of why some asshole behaved the way they did! We all deal with shit, most of deal with a lot of shit! Women already deal with societal programming that we are too emotional, too dramatic, that we need to be nice and accommodating every minute of everyday. When people pull some nonsense out their ass to make up for someone acting like a shitty person it just reinforces this programming, it’s gaslighting. The people that come on here have an experience to share they are looking for support and validation in a world that just doesn’t seem to get it. I really hope people think twice before imparting their own viewpoints on the people brave enough to share.
Comment by Findpolaris at 03/08/2021 at 14:58 UTC
37 upvotes, 1 direct replies
My theory is that guys always prefer in-person dates because it’s far more likely that alcohol will be involved, and in their minds that gives them an edge in getting women to make a mistake that they otherwise would not make if they’re sober, i.e., go to bed with them. I also think that they truly believe that they will be more charming in person, what with wiggly eyebrows, bad cologne, and constant touching. God, they can be so fucking barbaric it makes me sick.
Comment by 1GoodWoman at 03/08/2021 at 17:10 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Glad you are ok. Smart to keep it online. Why the apologizing though? Smile, nod, maybe say "You seem really angry." 'Oh my." and then either "I have to go. Bye" or "I'm leaving now." and shut your side down.
Now for feeling safe--how well do you know your local government: who represents you, what guidelines the local police follow, how to file a complaint, where women can find safety and support(where I live the police stations generally have easy walk in and specified areas with 24/7 video monitoring to do online purchase completion when it is private buyer/private sell) and how are you with physical self-defense--not to be able to use it but to know you could if really in harm's way? Finally how do you report his actions to the site you found him on?
Comment by Zorafin at 03/08/2021 at 17:12 UTC
4 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I’m still trying to figure out how to find if someone is safe or not, but I think a good way is to turn off your natural politeness and see how he reacts. Like don’t be rude or anything, but don’t actively try to be polite or accommodating. Say no to things you don’t want to do, don’t force a smile, just be you.
Try to bait out that anger and frustration. If he shows it, that’s your sign. If he’s polite and accommodating and apologetic, that’s your sign to be more at ease.
It’s still a work in progress, but I’m trying to test it out.
Comment by Psychological_Low386 at 03/08/2021 at 19:52 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Guy I talked to for a while and seemed nice enough INSISTED I go to his place for our first date and refused to understand why that wasn't going to happen. Our first date never happened and I stopped talking to him after that.
Comment by pete1729 at 03/08/2021 at 15:23 UTC
17 upvotes, 1 direct replies
It sounds like he has a game he runs in person that involves some manipulation and some menacing. You did well to stay away from this guy.
From my male perspective, hearing that there is 'no chemistry' is both the saddest and most liberating thing. It stings sometimes, but it's an unambiguous release.
Comment by HistoricalFrosting18 at 03/08/2021 at 09:49 UTC*
96 upvotes, 2 direct replies
You should have said that you do this to everyone to test if they can control their anger when rejected but he failed and now you are too scared to meet in person.
What an asshole.
EDIT: this isn’t serious advice - just a tongue in cheek comment to show how his behaviour is obviously off-putting.
Comment by emilin_rose at 03/08/2021 at 12:04 UTC
23 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Why couldn't you say "Frack off you entitled boring etc"? sounds like he deserved it. Or just hang up?
We don't have to be "nice". if he's being a dick, he deserves to be treated like one. tell him off and hang up.