19 upvotes, 1 direct replies (showing 1)
View submission: On what women want
I think the author of this article is missing a very key aspect of the relationship, and that's the power dynamic between Gaiman and his victims.
She wasn't in a position to be able to give a clear no because she was dependent on him for housing and employment.
Consent isn't just about saying yes. It's also about being able to say no without hurting yourself.
For a lot of men reading this article and discussing it, they simply are not going to be in a position with such a large gulf of power between them and the women they engage with.
It is unfortunate that, in the given text exchange, she ended up reassuring him that it was consensual. But there is more context to that conversation - Gaiman didn't check in with her about how she was feeling in that moment - he centered the conversation around his own feelings. Not on hers. Maybe a conversation that started "hey, I know we've been doing some pretty extreme stuff together recently. I want to check in and make sure that you're still ok with everything we've been doing," would have yielded different results.
Consent is about creating an environment in which your partner is comfortable saying yes or no without fear of consequences - emotional, material, or otherwise. If they know that their "no" is going to come with a side helping of "helping their partners process the feeling of rejection," then it cannot be a very enthusiastic example of consent.
Neil Gaiman failed to create that environment. This woman was dependent on him. And the times they did talk about consent, he centered his feelings of distress at the possibility that things were anything less than consensual.
Comment by hectorc82 at 19/01/2025 at 22:24 UTC
-13 upvotes, 4 direct replies
"Power dynamic" is a throw-away pop psychology buzz word at this point. It means nothing.
Every person has the ability and duty to speak truth to power. If you don't want sex, you tell them the truth. Damn the consequences.