created by 208_do_tell on 20/02/2025 at 07:48 UTC
27 upvotes, 22 top-level comments (showing 22)
I literally yearn for my ex everyday. F(49) It's been almost 4 years since we ended our 4 year relationship. It's so difficult and there are so many details. I just want some input and ideas for this. It's not healthy.
Comment by wigglywonky at 20/02/2025 at 08:11 UTC
23 upvotes, 1 direct replies
You’re most likely stuck in the grieving of what you had hoped for.
All relationships end for good reason and an ending should be considered a new beginning…..close one door….
A new perspective is called for. You wanted him to be your forever. He is not. Let go of this idea and release yourself.
Perhaps you need to do some work to heal your patterns in all your past relationships? Perhaps you need to do a deep dive into self.
Perhaps you need to recognize that you are a whole person and capable of not only being on your own, but thriving on your own. Take agency of your life.
If you craze finding your forever person, perhaps you need to recognize that you are yet to find them …and that’s ok, exciting even. Its never too late (I’m your age and recently found mine).
Comment by _Sunshine_please_ at 20/02/2025 at 09:31 UTC
13 upvotes, 0 direct replies
A question that could possibly be useful to reflect on is "what do I gain by holding onto these feelings?" Or what benefit do I get.
And if you haven't already and it's accessible to you, work with a therapist or other professional. It sounds like it's definitely time to move on in your life. Best of luck OP.
Comment by Claret-and-gold at 20/02/2025 at 11:50 UTC
13 upvotes, 1 direct replies
It is possible to be addicted to grief. It’s called complicated grief, you have low serotonin and are getting a dopamine hit when you think about your ex. Therapy will help but you need to try things like meditation mindfulness and yoga to help move your brain out of this mindset. It’s just chemicals. There’s a really interesting book I read about the science of heartbreak that described the hormone changes and brain changes that happen to you when you go through a break up- it really helps you to understand what is happening and why you feel the way you feel. I can’t remember the specific one now- but There’s loads of stuff out there about it. Real scientific studies not pseudo science.
Comment by Mommy2cje at 20/02/2025 at 11:34 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I think you to go to therapy to help you move forward. You lost someone so important to you and you just need some help moving forward. Healing is difficult and different for everyone. Wishing you the best of luck.
Comment by gobsmacked247 at 20/02/2025 at 13:48 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Four years and still pining…
I only have one question: When you fantasize about the good times, do you give equal time and effort to remebering the bad times?
Comment by --2021-- at 20/02/2025 at 10:55 UTC
5 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Have you been in therapy?
Comment by Oneofthe12 at 20/02/2025 at 16:00 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
My last breakup was sudden and even thought it was relatively unhappy for a time before he officially bailed, I felt like I never really got a chance to unpack and debrief with him over it. After seeing a therapist for about six months and working through some of my own issues, I started writing letters to him. Letters that I would never send, but it helped me to work through my feelings and let him know how I felt. Most were just fuck you asshole! letters, but then some were just forgiving myself to him, which was hard, but really helped. Some people on here would say send the letters with no return address or his own return address on it, but I found it better just to write, and get it off my chest. Over the last six months, and I’m about a year and a half out of the relationship, it doesn’t hurt as much and I feel better. I plan to burn the letters rather ceremonially, soon. For me that would really signify a new beginning. I encourage you to figure out what would make you feel the best that you can do, and do it. Everybody else and everything else (sans your therapist) really doesn’t matter. You need to take care of yourself first. Hugs!
Comment by verycoolbutterfly at 20/02/2025 at 17:00 UTC*
5 upvotes, 1 direct replies
In a similar boat but we were together for ten years before he suddenly and coldly left- never to reach out again. After saying he would always be there for me, see our pets, etc. We had an entire life and future planned together. We were talking about buying a house and adopting kids. I'm 36 and it feels like I wasted so much of my life on someone who would go on to just dump me like a casual girlfriend he wasn't interested in anymore.
It's been a little over six months. I've spent so many days painfully yearning to even spend one more day with him. To have a conversation. Anything. I've cried every day, usually multiple times a day. I've apologized for anything I can think of that I could have done to contribute to his leaving, begged for him to hear me out or have an ounce of care. He doesn't though. And I don't think he ever did. Thing is if it was so easy for him to leave and forget about me, the relationship was never what I thought it was. Making a list of all of the things that did *not* work and all of the hurtful things he's said and done over the years is slowly helping to put things in better perspective. Good luck OP ❤️🩹
Comment by capotehead at 20/02/2025 at 07:55 UTC
3 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Well, what do you feel today?
Comment by jsscrants at 20/02/2025 at 18:25 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I mean, good on you for having the insight to see that it’s not helping you to be grieving a former relationship for 4 years.
That’s a sign of intelligence and a problem defined is a problem half solved so don’t worry you’re on your way to brighter days ♥️
I would recommend listening to/reading the book Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav.
Check out r/codependency and you can also attend some Codependents Anonymous meetings online if you want.
Also it’s worth paying the 20 bucks for ChatGPT premium and then using it as a therapist.
The great love you’re searching for will turn out to be yourself.
Best of luck!
Comment by twicescorned21 at 20/02/2025 at 23:46 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It took me years to get over my 2 year relationship.
I was with my ex for 7 or 8 years, ldr but we met up once or twice a year. We didn't have the same goals, but I spent the entire relationship trying to prove my worthiness in his eyes.
If I was good enough, maybe he'd want to drop everything and relocate to be with me. If I was the best partner he'd had, maybe he'd be willing to compromise on his views on marriage and marry me.
I put up with alot. I thought I'd be the most understanding gf being patient and compassionate that he was torn over his ex leaving him 4 years before he met me. Throughout our time together, her memory was always distantly near.
When he did the slow fade and ghosted me. At first I didn't care. But then I had a hard time getting over it, what was wrong with me? He always said I talked too much, I complained alot, I was negative.
I can admit I did those things. But he never acknowledged that I put up with alot of his shit. That I was understanding and trying to be kind when he was heart broken over his ex.
All of this to say. It's been 2 years. I think of him every now and then, wondering what he's doing. As for him, he's likely spent a fortune paying for OF, pinning over his ex and I am a distant memory.
You need to move on. For me, I could vanish tomorrow and he'd never give me a second thought for the rest of his life.
Comment by 2wilightz0ne at 20/02/2025 at 15:17 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
What helped me get through this is finding out he's in another relationship. For some reason it just helped me move on.
Comment by ffej8888 at 21/02/2025 at 06:20 UTC
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
My marriage of 12 years ended in 2016. She was the last person I loved. When you actually love and have a great connection with someone, then start letting yourself really plan your future, only to have the rug pulled out from under you, it is devastating. I was "over" her after about 3-4 years. But, she still sits in my memories. After our divorce, I immersed myself in books, subReddits and serious therapy. Even though it took years, all were extremely helpful.
Seek out some therapy and try to change up your routine with different projects, hobbies, etc. I hope you can feel some sort of relief from the questions and pain. Btw, "208"? Are you in Idaho?
Comment by Speeder_mann at 20/02/2025 at 08:40 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I’m in the same boat, was gonna ask my ex to marry me, she split up with me two weeks ago and has said some nasty things to make me go away, I don’t think I’ll ever recover but it’s ok, losing someone is hard especially if you love them
Comment by Mommassundaychicken1 at 20/02/2025 at 21:55 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It’s tough when a relationship ends everybody has gone through it. Best thing you can do is start to move on if you know it’s 100% over. And when it is…….like death you have to understand it’s OVER. That person isn’t in your life anymore, so make the adjustments. Start by healing. Think about things you can do to move on from the relationship. Take a trip and enjoy things you’ve wanted to do. Make some friends…….even if it’s hard get some interaction with other people. Maybe see if there is a friend group that has went through this very same thing. And just like you did here…….start a page stating how you feel. Look for ideas on how to move forward with your life. We all go through life and all deal with tough stuff. One thing I see is people are willing to help. Good luck to you! You’re going to be just fine!
Comment by Mollzor at 21/02/2025 at 08:47 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Do you WANT to get over them?
Comment by GavUK at 21/02/2025 at 09:04 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
If you aren't already doing so, I would suggest you find a counsellor/therapist who can help you talk about and work through what you are feeling and struggling with.
Comment by StrawberryMoon211 at 21/02/2025 at 19:09 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Maybe this has moved into limerance? The only way I know to move forward from this is full NC, block, delete, erase - it might seems extreme, but so is living like this for 4 years.
So for me, EVERYTHING was triggering. I finally had to get rid of every single external so I could get out of fight or flight a truly grieve, once and for all. Otherwise I never went through withdrawal and stayed stuck.
If you’re resisting one of those things, in my experience it’s because it’s the thing I really needed to do for me healing.
Withdrawals are hard but don’t last more than a couple weeks. It would have been years if I didn’t do all that.
I know it’s so hard, unbelievably hard. Let us help you through it! ❤️
Comment by Less_Campaign_6956 at 21/02/2025 at 20:37 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
3 years is my maximum grieving time. You're wayyyy over the limit.
Comment by mellylovesdundun at 21/02/2025 at 21:07 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This crap gets harder and harder to deal with as you get older and realize men never grow up and it’s really hard to find a good partner, and even harder because of your age. It sucks. I really feel for you but know you’re not alone at all.
Comment by whosthatgirl79 at 20/02/2025 at 10:08 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
4 years is too long, occupy yourself and make other connections.
Comment by DaddysPrincesss26 at 20/02/2025 at 18:48 UTC
-2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Are you sure you’re not grieving the fact that you’re not married before 40?