created by gooseandjuice on 27/01/2025 at 02:36 UTC
19 upvotes, 12 top-level comments (showing 12)
My (37F) STB ex-husband (40M) and I were together for 10 years. He was my first, and had I had more experience I would never have married him just based on our preferences alone. I've always had a high sex drive and I'm into some things he isn't (although the latter was more of a recent realization over the past few years). Our sex life went to basically nothing before we had kids but for conceiving (I got pregnant on the first try with both kids) and the last time we had sex was to conceive, and was 45min and entirely "scientific" if you will. He consistently told me his low libido was due to the medications he was on and that he did find me attractive but he just never told me anything or made me feel attractive ever. It messed with me for a long time until I realized it was never about me.
We separated nearly a year ago and I've since reconnected with an old friend (38M) and we started dating. It's been long distance for quite a chunk of our relationship but we matched sexually, emotionally, morally, etc. Also a caveat to add that he's in recovery and had a relapse and is now back in recovery etc. But he has, in the past month, also been less interested in sex. I told him upfront that I'm very much a high sex drive person and wanted to be clear that it is something that's important to me for my relationships. I assumed this was related to his relapse but now he told me he's getting bloodwork done because he can't understand why he doesn't want to have sex with me all the time ("because look at you, I wanted to show the doctor a picture of you and say "how do I not have a boner 24/7 just watching her walk").
I'm trying to be supportive but.....I can't believe this is my life again. I feel like I'm developing a complex. I'm the common denominator here.
I don't know what to think. I'm just sad.
Comment by GrandPipe4 at 27/01/2025 at 02:45 UTC
15 upvotes, 4 direct replies
I'm really interested in the replies here because I've had a different but still similar experience. I'm 44F and have been divorced for almost 15 years. Nearly every man I've dated has had erection issues. Not once or twice, or 10% of the time, but 75-100% of the time. If only there were an elegant way to prescreen men for my concern, or yours, without starting the communications off on the wrong foot i.e. making the guy think it's ok to talk sex and nothing but sex, and never form an actual connection.
Comment by itchyouch at 27/01/2025 at 02:55 UTC
13 upvotes, 1 direct replies
My partner has pointed out similar about previous partners and low sex drive.
I was the first that could match her libido. I was also the only one into health and fitness.
It seems that fitness and health in one's lifestyle may be a good proxy for not having libido/erection issues, while being completely sedentary at our age seems like a recipe for an inevitable dead bedroom after the honeymoon stage.
Comment by flatirony at 27/01/2025 at 02:47 UTC
23 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Two people is way too small of a sample to say you’re the common denominator.
He thinks you’re hot, he wants to want you, and he’s trying to do something about it.
Seems like you both need a little grace. :-)
Comment by Initial_Donut_6098 at 27/01/2025 at 02:56 UTC
7 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I think that you're dragging “stuff” with you from your previous relationship, which you’re basically fresh out of. Now you’re in a new relationship with someone who is trying to get himself healthy in a really significant way, and he’s been meh about sex for one month, and you’re spiraling. You’re allowed to have your own feelings, but you gotta zoom out here. Do you have access to therapy? I suspect that some time with a counselor sorting through your experience in your marriage would be really helpful.
Comment by pgtvgaming at 27/01/2025 at 02:57 UTC
9 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Porn … for the common replies it’s porn addiction … otherwise depending on the age group / population of men it may be stressors, hormone deficiency, and who knows what else. Obvs can’t speak for every circumstance, but these are quite common these days.
Comment by --2021-- at 27/01/2025 at 03:21 UTC
3 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I don't know that I would take this personally, and would probably wait for the bloodwork to come back and see if he has low testosterone or a health issue before worrying about it.
I had a high sex drive till I hit peri, and it nosedived. My healthcare is shit, so no HRT or anything to help with the dryness or how easily the tissues tear, or the fibroids that made sex uncomfortable. I have so many health issues too that I don't want to play around with hormones without being able to work with a doctor. So yours could change in the future as well. Hopefully you'll have an easier time or better doctors than I.
Comment by AdministrationFun626 at 27/01/2025 at 08:32 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I can't say for others, I can only tell you my experience. I was extremely attracted to my ex-wife all the way we were together. Our relationship started out bumpy, but sex was good, and the first few years were good even with highs and lows. She was "in love" with her fantasy about me and gradually became repelled and disgusted of the person I actually was. I've seen the contempt and judgement on her face all the time and that basically killed my desire to have sex with her. Everytime I looked at her, I got a boner, she was very sexy to me, but I was not able to touch her even.
Another instance: I had a girlfriend who was not really my type, but she was definitely sexy. We started out her telling me she was asexual but then suddenly very high sex drive. Turned out she had trauma from her ex-bf being abusive with her, and well I was nice to her... but then after a few times she kept bringing up the "let's brake up talk" right after sex, or even during sex. That completely messed my head up and we went into having sex maybe once a week, then even less.
Also happened that I was in a relationship but still not over my ex, and I had very vivid dreams of my ex but waking up next to someone else... that fucked me up bad, and my partner at the time felt like she was not attractive enough for me.
Personally, I need emotional safety to be able to have sex with my partner. If I have to worry about the relationship all the time, that kills sex for me, and I'd run into pornography then porn addiction. So to me it's mostly mental / emotional. They might also have a blockage like this related or unrelated to you.
Comment by biogirl52 at 27/01/2025 at 20:55 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Hey I have the same hang up. I was trapped in a marriage with no intimacy for a long time and it really fucked me up. He was also my “first” and if I had known any better at 16, wouldn’t have gone past a few dates. I am extremely sensitive to any perceived rejections and the fear of being trapped in a dead bedroom is a big reason why I’ve been majority single the last decade. So, I’d feel exactly the same. But also, I would highly consider reading up on co-dependency. Codependent No More is a great book that might give you some insight into these feelings and also dating someone who is in recovery who can’t meet your needs even though he says he wants to.
Comment by crudelikechocolate at 27/01/2025 at 21:47 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
If you two haven’t already, I would suggest seeing a sex therapist. There’s a myth that a man can be aroused spontaneous by just looking at someone hot. Some men are like that. Some are not. Stress, either from external or internal, can really kill the boner. Find ways to help him relax. I notice my bf performs significantly better when he’s not worried about his job, for example. And he needs a long build up that gives him reassurance before he is fully aroused
Comment by acab415 at 28/01/2025 at 02:14 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I’m 51. Sex compatibility is probably the most important issue in relationships. I, sadly, am only super attracted to people that are REALLY bad for me.
Comment by the_gato_says at 28/01/2025 at 12:34 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
My instinct is this has to do with being in recovery. Perhaps being intimate while sober/clean is more difficult, perhaps he has replaced his addiction with something else. My husband is a now-sober alcoholic. We are good now, but I’d never get into another relationship with someone with a substance problem, especially with a recent relapse. My advice would be to move on, but that could be my own experiences talking.
Comment by Gambit86_333 at 27/01/2025 at 06:09 UTC
-3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Have you ever considered you might be experiencing hypomania or BiPolar?