https://www.reddit.com/r/RelationshipsOver35/comments/1i6846l/not_into_the_sex_are_we_doomed/
created by Ok_Animator6428 on 21/01/2025 at 02:21 UTC*
8 upvotes, 22 top-level comments (showing 22)
Update: OMG, I cannot thank you enough for all of your input. I am going to have the compatibility conversation with him tonight. I’m dreading it. I need to be firm but I also don’t want to shame him. I know what will happen — he’s going to tell me to fuck off and never contact him again. And I guess that’s ok. If you have any advice how to word this conversation I’m all ears. Truth is there are a lot of compatibility issues (for example he never asks me about my job and I always listen to his) but I think the best idea is to just focus on the sex. I’m open to ideas. But I just gotta be firm and get this over with. Thanks again for the incredible support. This could have gone on for months if it wasn’t for you all.
56f with a 61m. We have been in a long distance relationship off and on for 8 years (more often not). We are giving this one my try and my major issue just keeps coming back. I do not enjoy the sex and I kinda dread it. I love this guy and at my age this may be my last thing and I don’t want to walk away from love lightly. But he’s a little odd I. Bed. The first time we had sex he’d say things like ‘you fuckin bitch. I’m gonna fuck you in every hole and even spit on me’. You think that might have been the end of it :). He’s gotten better over time (he will never spit on me again) but despite having really honest conversations about what turns me on (sensual approaches rather than fucking hard) it’s better but not that much better. If we never had sex again I would be fine. For him sex is more important than anything. Today he sent me a tripod so I cohoe videotape myself masturbating and I was gonna totally go along with it because I love him but I just was dreading even putting the damn thing together. We exchanged some not so warm and fuzzy texts and I know he is a little upset with me not just because I am probably not going to videotape myself but he said I make him feel like a creep for asking. I assured him I don’t see him that way (I really don’t) but that sexually we are still Speaking a different language and that I’m just not very into sex at this stage in my life. I don’t know what to do. I only see him every two months and we have a ton of fun but sex is his ‘favorite’ thing to me and I just want it over with. Whatcha think? Time to reevaluate or would you just force yours or to go along with it? Thanks in advance!
Comment by florida-karma at 21/01/2025 at 02:30 UTC
54 upvotes, 2 direct replies
He came out of the gate, cold, spitting on you and picking his holes? Like, no advance pow-wow, just... "surprise, b*tch!"?
You're more gracious than I would have been.
Comment by 1RandomProfile at 21/01/2025 at 02:25 UTC
18 upvotes, 0 direct replies
If this has been 8 years long distance and no one has taken the leap to bridge the gap, without more information, it's sounding possibly like a long-distance booty call. I hope I am wrong.
Either way, you sound wildly on different pages. I'd reevaluate. You're still young and should be with someone who makes you happy in all the ways, not just some.
Comment by Particular-Fee-9718 at 21/01/2025 at 02:52 UTC
32 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Sounds horrendous. He watches a ton of porn when he’s not with you.
Comment by flatirony at 21/01/2025 at 02:58 UTC
13 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I don’t think he came out of the gate like that because he thought you’d like it. He did it because it’s what *he* likes. It doesn’t sound like you’re very compatible.
I like it rough, too, but I would never come out of the gate like that without discussing it. Yikes.
Comment by MOSbangtan at 21/01/2025 at 02:53 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Hey you are NOT too old for more and better relationships. Move on from this one.
Comment by Ok_Animator6428 at 21/01/2025 at 02:32 UTC
7 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I will add — I do have a sex drive — he just doesn’t bring it out in me
Comment by acab415 at 21/01/2025 at 02:27 UTC
12 upvotes, 1 direct replies
TLDR “not into the sex” is a total deal breaker. I’m a 51m. My stuff all works fine, but if I’m not jazzed, it’s a non starter.
Comment by Dalearev at 21/01/2025 at 02:47 UTC
3 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I’m sorry, but I would go find something that is more compatible. Especially if this is long distance sounds like you don’t see each other that frequently anyway and if you’re dreading sex, then get out of there. Do not go against your bodies, wants and desires just for someone you can find the whole package.
Comment by Absentrando at 21/01/2025 at 03:18 UTC
3 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Is there a reason why he doesn’t understand that most people don’t want to be spit on or that not everyone is going to be thrilled about videotaping themselves masturbating?
Comment by Jonny2Thumbs at 21/01/2025 at 12:56 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I don't understand how someone can flip from being a decent person on the street to degrading scum in the bedroom. It's a sign of his true nature, and the kind of thing you will think of with disgust when you're over him.
Comment by ClearCosmos at 21/01/2025 at 22:01 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
You need to be honest with yourself... This is not a true relationship. You meet only when it's convenient for him. He seems to dominate the dynamic and has preconceived notions that he expects you to accept. Why does he believe you should comply? When you say, 'I was going to go along with it (The video) because I love him,' it signals that he knows you struggle to say no. He may use passive-aggressive tactics and gaslighting, like claiming you make him feel like a creep for asking, to manipulate you into submission. Don’t fall for it—value yourself more.
You can simply tell him that without an emotional connection, you can’t enjoy any intimacy. An emotional bond can't develop when you only meet every couple of months without making an effort to build a meaningful connection or commitment. You might say that you've tried but feel you're not aligned emotionally or sexually. It seems you've given this enough time and have decided to move on. Keep your message brief and straightforward. Don’t let him argue his side; he may try to manipulate you into staying when faced with rejection.
Interestingly, you suspect he might tell you to F-off and not contact him again. I think deep down, you know he doesn't value you at all. If that's the case, consider yourself lucky that he's made the decision clear and simple for you.
Comment by Ok_Animator6428 at 22/01/2025 at 00:16 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
We just had our conversation. I simply shared that I don’t and never have enjoyed our sex life. I shared how I characterized my approach and preferences and shared my perceptions of his. He didn’t get mad he just said he had nothing to say and quietly ended the call. Unlikely to be the end of it but I hope it is. Appreciate everyone on here.
Comment by Historical_Ad2652 at 21/01/2025 at 03:18 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Sexually incompatible-move on. Find a new lover
Comment by pammylorel at 21/01/2025 at 04:31 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I'm 54f. I think I'd be happier without that type of sexual energy crammed down my... ummm... throat. Definitely do not send him videos or pictures. That will never turn out well for you. The way you describe him seems gross and I have no doubt you can do better. The language and spitting makes me think he's watching a lot of hardcore porn which has normalized that behavior for him. You don't deserve the brunt of that
Comment by Jonny2Thumbs at 21/01/2025 at 12:56 UTC
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I don't understand how someone can flip from being a decent person on the street to degrading scum in the bedroom. It's a sign of his true nature, and the kind of thing you will think of with disgust when you're over him.
Comment by Jonny2Thumbs at 21/01/2025 at 12:56 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I don't understand how someone can flip from being a decent person on the street to degrading scum in the bedroom. It's a sign of his true nature, and the kind of thing you will think of with disgust when you're over him.
Comment by Ok_Animator6428 at 21/01/2025 at 02:28 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Thanks. I probably wasn’t clear — we have great times together and it’s not at all a long distance booty call. We love each other. But man, this is a tough one. And to think what if we lived together. Thanks for taking the time y
Comment by Smear_Leader at 21/01/2025 at 02:50 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Sounds like you both have some things to figure out. This relationship layout doesn’t make any sense.
Comment by bookrt at 21/01/2025 at 03:18 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
I'm in my 30s so take my advice with a grain of salt. But I think you are putting too much emphasis on your age and the possibility that this could be your last relationship. Even if it were, do you want to be in a relationship where your sexual needs are completely incompatible? I would think hard about that, and consider reevaluating the relationship. Every day you remain in it you close yourself off to a) having peace in regards to your sexuality b) possibly meeting someone more aligned with you.
Comment by Oneofthe12 at 21/01/2025 at 15:06 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Love needs sex. That may be a controversial opinion, but after so many stories such as yours, I’m doubling down. Of course sex may fade over the decades as we age, but if it’s not there in the first place? Psst. Ain’t gonna happen. Time to move along, OP.
Comment by milkeymikey at 27/01/2025 at 20:27 UTC*
1 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Look, there are plenty of people who would be happy to match his level of freakiness, and at his age, he probably knows that.
Either he's experienced and gets off on your reluctance (which could be a bit concerning if you're not into that), or he's an immature man who hasn't learned to have safe, sane, and consensual freaky sex with a partner. You shouldn't have to be the one teaching him.
I'm sure there are many things you love about him. But unless you're willing to deal with this behavior for the rest of your life, it might be best to cut your losses.
Edit: I just realized this post is 6 days old, my advice isn't relevant any more. I saw your comment about having the conversation and it ending without a solution, and I hope you are ok.
Comment by Particular_Sale5675 at 21/01/2025 at 03:11 UTC*
-1 upvotes, 2 direct replies
I think his inability to attain consent from you for these acts is a huge red flag. Everyone has their kinks, but he's not respecting you.
I am only going to give this suggestion for your benefit, because I can understand how you are thinking. And I can make assumptions about how he thinks.
Both of your sex languages are different. That's not necessarily bad, but you both need to consent to the love language of the other person. Which would be compromise on what you are both comfortable compromising with.
I'm not saying to give in on things you're against doing. Do not do that. I'm saying that if you're fine with some of his desires, as long as he also meets your needs, that could be a compromise. Hypothetical example: you could suggest that he start sensual and kind. Then when you've had ___ amount of satisfaction, then he can talk dirty and play out (edit: SOME of) his fantasy. That way you both get your needs met.
"Half" the experience will be pleasant to you, "half" will be pleasant to him. (Realistically you'd still both enjoy the entire thing, because you're both able to speak each other's "love language")
I only suggest this as an alternative to 100% your way or his way. Neither of you should feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. And if this is unacceptable for either of you, (or if consent and boundaries are not respected), it would be time to end the relationship. Even though you both love each other. It's perfectly valid to break up with someone you love and care about. But you probably already understand that.