https://www.reddit.com/r/RelationshipsOver35/comments/1i4jp9h/my_wife_keeps_leaving_me_and_my_son/
created by BJMABC031215 on 18/01/2025 at 22:52 UTC
13 upvotes, 8 top-level comments (showing 8)
My wife and I have gone through innumerable issues in our 14 year relationship. We have a 9 old boy together. Problems started early on after her father’s passing(destroyed her) he was an alcoholic. After son’s birth, she developed post partum, which spiraled into bipolar disorder. We have since been living together and separately several times over the years. Currently I have my own apartment where I’m the full time parent. She let her last place go, not paying her basic bills and faltering living on her own. I will always feel the biggest desire to make sure she’s ok because I know she’s sick. It’s hard, I have to just let her go off when it happens. She currently stays with me, we sleep in same bed when she’s here then we fight she goes to the couch and when bad she up and leaves. This has happened approximately 5 times in the last few months where she’s gone for days at a time. She just left again today after a breakdown in front of our son. She’s unmedicated. She comes to me then goes. She says she gone for good, heard this many times. She’s a nurse with her own money but has zero possessions and always threatens us she will move out on her own again. I really am unsure how to handle her. I provide my son a safe place where he’s comfortable and doesn’t have to worry that I’ll leave him… Honestly any input, advice, thoughts, etc. would be appreciated. I do love her. She’s the mother of my only child. I know she’s not well.
Comment by Dull_Humor1754 at 18/01/2025 at 23:08 UTC
30 upvotes, 2 direct replies
Just because you love her and know that she's sick doesn't mean that the instability is okay for your son. She needs help, new meds and new doctors maybe. I think it's time you set some ground rules about how she acts so isn't constantly disrupting your son's life and routine. This is probably hardest on him.
Comment by Agile-Presence6036 at 18/01/2025 at 23:08 UTC
11 upvotes, 1 direct replies
IMO she may need to stay away from u guys until she gets the help she needs. It’s not fair to your child that she comes in & out his life. I don’t think u should have her come over when u know she’ll start an argument. It’s an unhealthy cycle.
Comment by Pascalle112 at 19/01/2025 at 02:54 UTC
8 upvotes, 2 direct replies
I appreciate she’s your wife and you love her dearly.
Now, I’ll admit I’m going to be direct, this isn’t the time for gentle prodding.
This isn’t about her, or you, it’s about your SON.
You are not despite your belief providing your son with a safe and stable environment, nor is it a comfortable one.
This current pattern is doing immeasurable damage to his mental health, his view on healthy relationships, his self esteem/worth, his personality, and his heart.
He’s old enough to know Mum comes and goes. He’s not old enough to know and believe it’s not his fault.
Kids always find a way to make it their fault, and it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve told him it isn’t, Mums sick, etc etc. I have no doubt he blames himself.
You need, in fact you must make decisions and changes with him in mind.
To that end:
The next time she turns up, give her a card with the relevant information on local women’s shelters, mental health numbers, do not speak or otherwise engage with her, and do not let her in your home!
Be strong for your son. Know you’re doing the best possible thing for him and for her.
Do not sleep or be intimate with her, last thing any of you need is a newborn.
Please please protect your son, yourself, and help your wife in real and constructive ways.
Comment by Inclinedtonot_GAF_88 at 19/01/2025 at 02:38 UTC
4 upvotes, 1 direct replies
She’s doing these things because you’re allowing her to. You have to put your foot down no matter how hard. It is not good for your son to see these things and see her act this way. So tell her, either get some help and stay on her medication, or divorce and full custody of your son. You love her and want her to be well but your son’s well being is more important . Maybe that sounds harsh but I had a crap mom. It screwed me up.. I was an angry angry child/teen & young adult..I’m a mom of 3 now.. and I have since cut my mom out of my life and I am (36f) .. she is a drug addict and still is.. my whole life she has been. My dad got custody of me when I was 11.. he was an alcoholic too but he quit drinking the day he got custody of me.. and he was a good dad. Thank god he did.. bc my mother is literally the worst person I’ve ever known. I don’t want her in my life or my kids lives. My dad has since passed but.. I’m more worried about my children and what kind of mom I am rather than my own mom. So.. ultimatum.
Comment by zombieqatz at 18/01/2025 at 23:45 UTC
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Genuinely heartbreaking. Is there something local mental health resources can do to help stabilize her? In the US, one can call 988 or go on findhelp dot org and find local help, but it's hard work and in the end it's giving her a new bike- it's up to her if she's going to ride it, use it as wall art, or forget it somewhere down the street. Please consider getting family therapy because coping with illness is hard on families and you deserve extra care. There are resources avaliable to help shelter and prevent childhood trauma but it does take advocating for, which is exhausting.
Comment by GfunkWarrior28 at 19/01/2025 at 20:12 UTC
1 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Have you tried a marriage therapist?
Comment by M69_grampa_guy at 20/01/2025 at 01:11 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I wonder how she is holding her job. But, no matter. You can't set boundaries for her life but you can for yours. It is up to you to protect your son. I hope you and he are in counseling. Anyone would need help keeping a sane life in this situation. You need to set up some standards for what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior from her and there need to be CONSEQUENCES! It might even help her to know what the limits are and what will happen if she goes outside them. Your son needs to know what is sane behavior and what is not. He needs to have a sense of normality and security and so do you. Get help. Set boundaries and enforce them. One boundary, perhaps, will be what is the red line she cannot cross without sacrificing your marriage.
Why haven't you committed her to hospital treatment by now?
Comment by gothruthis at 19/01/2025 at 15:32 UTC
0 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Honestly sounds like you are doing a great job. At some point you have to consider the real risk that if you refused to let her back, she would pass away rather than seek help elsewhere. You have to find the solution you can live with.