https://www.reddit.com/r/RedditForGrownups/comments/1h26q48/how_often_to_visit_elderly_grandparents/
created by Single_Parsnip6630 on 28/11/2024 at 21:55 UTC*
43 upvotes, 49 top-level comments (showing 25)
30 years old here. Grandparents moved into a (very nice) retirement home recently, about 25 minutes from my house.
How often is reasonable to visit?
Additional info: My mom (their daughter) lives out of state but my uncle (their son) lives nearby although visits less often than I currently do.
Grandparents are physically a bit frail and not too mobile, but no dementia or anything yet.
While I enjoy seeing them, I have to be honest that the constant obligation and martyrdom is getting to me. (My grandma is a classic “woe is me” martyr and there is definitely judgment/guilt-tripping the times I am unable to visit or have something else planned that weekend) I have a life outside of my grandparents and I don’t think I’m a bad person for wanting boundaries.
Comment by LilJourney at 28/11/2024 at 22:02 UTC
114 upvotes, 4 direct replies
More frequently than just Christmas, less often than once a week - whatever between those two extremes works with your lifestyle. They'll always want you to visit more. You'll always feel obligated. Then about 3 or 4 years after they are gone you'll wish you'd have spent a bit more time with them.
So my advice pick once a month or what works for you - and make sure to make the visit count. Don't just drop in, say hi, chat for a few and then leave. Take them on an "adventure" if possible - even just going out for lunch at somewhere they either haven't been or somewhere they love. Ask them about their stories and document their early lives and what they remember about THEIR older relatives while you can. Go over some old photos - print out and take them some copies of YOUR favorite new photos and tell them YOUR stories.
Then leave and have a free conscience after planing the next future visit.
Comment by Responsible-Tart-721 at 28/11/2024 at 22:33 UTC
23 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Please visit as often as you can. Ask questions about family history and about their life. When they are gone, all that info is gone too.
Comment by Far-Cup9063 at 28/11/2024 at 22:00 UTC
20 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Every month, or even 6 weeks.
Comment by longirons6 at 28/11/2024 at 23:04 UTC
17 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I was about your age when my grandma was in a home. I went about once a week. It was usually kind of a hassle, and there were other things I could be doing but I went anyway. After she passed I realized how hugely important it was that I went . For both me and her. I have never regretted a single moment of it
Comment by dendritedysfunctions at 28/11/2024 at 22:08 UTC
9 upvotes, 0 direct replies
You'll miss them when they're gone. My grandparents were gone by the time I turned 19 and I wish I'd taken the time to get to know them better all the time.
Comment by Obahmah at 28/11/2024 at 22:35 UTC
9 upvotes, 2 direct replies
When I was younger, I used to set a standing once a month, a week-night dinner with my grandparents.
Generally, I found the schedule helps so that you can all avoid the invite & awkward accept/decline cycle. They'll appreciate the regularity of the schedule as well.
Weeknight dinner is important as you won't be expected to get there too early, and you have a hard out. After all, you have to get up early and work/school tomorrow 😉
Obviously YMMV and you'll have to adapt to your schedule. I personally ended up having a great time after the first 1-2 awkwardish times. These days, I wish I could have a dinner with them.
Comment by Adorable-Growth-6551 at 28/11/2024 at 22:24 UTC
8 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Do they like to do anything that is kind of fun? My Grandma liked to play cards. She got to the point that most card games were too difficult for her, so we started playing games like UNO.
Honestly it was a lot of fun and made spending time with her much less anxious chore. It also helped because it gave us a clear and easy end time.
Comment by AfterSomewhere at 28/11/2024 at 22:04 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This isn't going to help you feel better, but see them as often as you can. You won't regret it. Decide what's doable for you, and see it through. Knowing they can count on you to visit gives them something to look forward to.
Comment by wheelchairplayer at 28/11/2024 at 23:45 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
every weekend as long as i am available. i will bring my notebook and play games there.
sometimes you dont have to always interact with them. you just have to be there
Comment by 323x at 29/11/2024 at 00:34 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
1-2 times a month plus the special occasions
Comment by dojo1306 at 28/11/2024 at 22:55 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I would say more often than once a month. Do a big visit, lunch out or a trip to a local favorite place, but add in a shorter visit whenever you can. You won't regret it and it will slow their inevitable decline. Keeping them in touch with the outside, active world is huge.
Comment by PophamSP at 29/11/2024 at 00:32 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
You are not a bad person for wanting boundaries. I have been in your shoes and am now elderly myself. This may be an unpopular opinion but being elderly does not give you the right to guilt-trip your kids or grandchildren for visits and attention. Whether it is intentional or not, it is manipulative behavior.
The forums on agingcare.com[1] discuss this quite frequently. I suggest you start spacing out your visits and make it clear that you have other obligations. They are adults, they have each other and it sounds as if they are well cared for. It is not your sole responsibility to keep them from being lonely.
Comment by Neuvirths_Glove at 29/11/2024 at 06:54 UTC
3 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Perhaps start a project with them.... like try to get their version of the family history/genealogy/their memoir. It might make both sides look forward to the visits more. Once they're gone, they'll take a lot of information with them that you'd be hard pressed to get otherwise.
For instance, my great-grandfather died when my grandmother was quite young. Her mother remarried and she had a step father and never really knew her real father, but I never questioned her about him and I wish I had.
I know it doesn't answer your question, but I think if you started asking questions like that and taking notes, it might take the pressure off the visits?
Comment by Ohm_Slaw_ at 28/11/2024 at 22:14 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
When I moved to the other side of the country, I decided to call my mother once a month. I spent about an hour on the phone. It was enough time to catch up on the "new news" from both sides. We always felt like we knew what was going on in each other's lives. It worked out really well. She commented one time that she heard from my more often than by brothers who lived close by. You could also alternate phone calls with visits. Sharing a meal might be good. You're spending time together without having to keep up a conversation.
Comment by Kestrel_Iolani at 28/11/2024 at 22:07 UTC
6 upvotes, 1 direct replies
General rule: never do something you resent.
With that in mind, my last grandparent lives about 30-45 minutes away. We see her once a month, at least. If I had known how little time I would have with my grandma, I would've done more, but that's me and my relationship with her.
Comment by NikkeiReigns at 28/11/2024 at 23:19 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Often enough that when they die, you don't wish you'd seen them more. Enough to have zero guilt and know that you did what you could.
One of my children just lost a grandparent. Her child is a year old and never met this grandparent. There is guilt. A lot of it. Hindsight is 20/20.
Comment by chrstnasu at 28/11/2024 at 23:35 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
My grandparents didn’t live nearby until they had dementia. I would visit my paternal grandfather frequently because we were close beforehand and I loved him very much. My mom’s mom on the other hand I wasn’t very fond of and I only visited when my mom asked me to. She wasn’t in our lives much growing up. They are both dead now and I still miss dad’s parents very much.
Comment by 2tired4thiscrap at 29/11/2024 at 00:11 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
You’re 30 years old now but you won’t stay that age. When you are their age and have family wouldn’t you want them to want to come and spend time with you? You sound like you’re looking for someone to let you off the hook or at the very least tell you it’s ok to only go the least amount of time you can. In the end it’s up to you how often you go but I’m sure it would make them happy to see you.
Comment by TheBodyPolitic1 at 29/11/2024 at 01:26 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
/u/Single_Parsnip6630
If you don't want to visit them more often, do not.
Just remember, you are only going to get so many more opportunities to see them before they are gone.
Regret that you can't do anything really sucks.
Comment by ididreadittoo at 28/11/2024 at 23:07 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
However often you visit them, be glad you have them to visit at all.
Comment by [deleted] at 28/11/2024 at 22:02 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
As often as you can. You can't make-up time and they'll be gone before you know it. Don't regret not doing it like so many do.
Comment by Sweet_Bonus5285 at 28/11/2024 at 23:30 UTC
3 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Man that is sad that somebody has to even ask this question. It's not even something that should need to be calculated or asked. It's something you just should want to do.
Comment by Jaymez82 at 28/11/2024 at 22:10 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Whatever feels right. I cut off my maternal grandparents when I saw what sort of people they were and have no regrets.
Comment by SonoranRoadRunner at 28/11/2024 at 22:41 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
You are not obligated, it's more important to have a real relationship than a forced one. Go as often as you want. You're young, you have a right to live. I would have a talk with your Mom.
Comment by bobisinthehouse at 28/11/2024 at 23:18 UTC
1 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Depends on the length of your visits. If 30 min 3 or 4 times a month. Longer than that couple times a month. Take them out to lunch or some other activity once in a while