https://www.reddit.com/r/ROCD/comments/1iit382/gendersexuality_obsessions_in_a_genderqueer_couple/
created by berksbears on 06/02/2025 at 03:24 UTC*
1 upvotes, 0 top-level comments (showing 0)
Hi all,
So, this is coming from the perspective of a person who has been questioning his gender for a long time. I recently discovered that I'm intersex (AFAB) and this has changed up my relationship to my gender, as well as my romantic/sexual relationship to my partner of a few years. My partner and I both identify as nonbinary and transgender to some degree, and we have supported each other in our gender transitions (mine transmasculine and theirs transfeminine).
My discovery about being intersex has led to some difficult conversations about my gender, internalized transphobia/interphobia, and so on. But I would like to talk primarily about my partner, who has suffered from OCD for a long time (longer than the duration of our relationship). My partner has recently told me that they try to change their sexuality to match my fluctuating gender identity. My partner is pansexual so they are attracted to me no matter what, but they feel like they need to either be into men or women depending on my gender expression during any particular week.
It's also important to note that we are polyamorous, so thoughts about either of us cheating don't really occur to my partner.
As my gender identity has evolved and changed, their obsessions and compulsions have looked like this:
1.) I discover that I feel more comfortable with new masculine/feminine terms, or I make changes to my transition plan or body goals.
2.) My partner celebrates because they finally feel safe in expressing a new side of their sexuality. (For example, I present masculine, so now they feel safe talking about their homosexuality. Or, I present feminine, so they feel safe only expressing their interest in women.) They express a lot of the repressed feelings they've been shunning, and this is usually followed by a few weeks of an intense and sexually fulfilling connection between us.
3.) My partner begins to fall apart, feeling like when I'm male, they must reject all attraction to women. When I'm female, they must reject all attraction to men. They limit what types of porn they consume so they can reassure themself that they are attracted to me enough. They start to lose interest in sex and and in me romantically, because they're not validating their entire sexuality.
4.) I begin to feel pressured by my partner to remain static as one gender. I begin to question our relationship, and if my partner is attracted to me as a male at all. The honeymoon period is proportionally longer for the short times I've presented feminine, because I've primarily identified as a trans male in our relationship.
This cycle has repeated four or five times in our relationship, and it's been driving us apart. I'm so glad I finally have some clarity on what's going on as of this afternoon.
In other words, when I present male, they become obsessed with men and shun any thoughts about women. When I present female, they become obsessed with women and shun any thoughts about men. This is amplified by them feeling dysphoric about being seen as heterosexual. They've said their intrusive thoughts often tell them that they've been straight all along.
This is based on what they said during a long, heavy conversation we had earlier today. My experience not knowing this was worrying that my partner secretly wanted me to be female all along (i.e. they're a trans male chaser) and wanted to encourage me to detransition. This has led me to feel like they don't celebrate my masculinity in ways that feel affirming to me.
I do not have OCD myself but I make every effort to stay informed on what the disorder is like, and I have attended support groups from the IOCDF and NAMI for this reason.
I'm looking for advice and resources, or hopefully just to connect with and empathize with other LGBTQ+ OCD-affected couples. My partner is reconsidering therapy after we talked about this, but they're not currently in treatment nor officially diagnosed.
Thank you for reading. I hope I explained my situation well, I know it's sort of confusing to follow when it's written down, so feel free to ask any questions you might have.
There's nothing here!