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created by [deleted] on 11/01/2025 at 21:48 UTC
4 upvotes, 44 top-level comments (showing 25)
[deleted]
Comment by Julienbabylegs at 11/01/2025 at 21:57 UTC
76 upvotes, 0 direct replies
This is WAY too harsh. Using the wrong kind of "tool" as a stepping stool is a lazy mistake that any adult could make.
Honestly, it sounds like the stool was poorly made. Unless your 14 year old is truly enormous, a decent stool should be able to withstand the weight of a child if it is intended for a child.
I do think she should buy her sister another stool with her money, you can get a decent one at Ikea or Target for about $30, but the other punishments are way overstated.
You seem blessed with children that are absolute angels if this small mistakes causes you to go so hard with the punishment.
Comment by Good-Peanut-7268 at 11/01/2025 at 21:52 UTC
44 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Don't take her present away. In general - always keep Christmas presents and punishments separately. Otherwise sure, you can make her earn money to replace this stool.
Comment by Majestic-Bumblebee49 at 11/01/2025 at 21:59 UTC
25 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Replacing the stool is important and reasonable. Anything beyond that seems like it might come from a place of anger.
Comment by GrowingHearths at 11/01/2025 at 21:57 UTC
22 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Yes, you're being too harsh. It was a mistake. Can we not make mistakes as humans?
Let her just replace the stool with her own money, which sucks when you're 14 but is also accountable, and let her do it without an environment of shame and blame, but with love and support. It'll be much easier for her in the future, to hold herself accountable and own up to mistakes. And it's hard for humans to learn when they're experiencing shame.
Comment by stari0 at 11/01/2025 at 21:55 UTC
19 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It does seem a bit harsh. Although she carelessly used the stool, I can see her thinking in that it would be easy to use to get something up high. I can see myself making the same mistake as an adult. I think just replacing the stool with her own money is sufficient and gets the point across.
Comment by LaLechuzaVerde at 11/01/2025 at 22:14 UTC
15 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Your suggested punishment is harsh, vindictive, and extremely damaging. Your older daughter will quickly learn that you don’t love her as much as you do the younger one. Because that is the truth. Maybe it’s not true all the time, but it’s certainly true right now, or you wouldn’t even be thinking this way.
It’s a damn stool. It’s replaceable. Have your daughter replace the stool out of her own money / allowance.
The missed opportunity with the tickets is literally irreplaceable. Even if “eye for an eye” were appropriate, this isn’t it.
What trauma happened in your life to make you think this would be appropriate? Is this how your parents treated you? Why do you want to hurt your teenager over a mistake? Do you have a therapist you can work this out with before you risk further damage to your children?
Your daughter needs a stern lecture about the safety risks of using furniture in ways it wasn’t intended, tell her you’re really glad she didn’t break her leg this time but she might not be so lucky next time, and have her come up with a plan to replace the stool, and maybe buy herself a nice sturdy step stool too - one she can keep in her room and take with her when she moves out years from now as a reminder that stools are not for standing on, because you don’t want her breaking her neck alone in her own apartment someday.
She doesn’t need her Christmas present taken away. Yikes!
Comment by anonfosterparent at 11/01/2025 at 21:57 UTC
12 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Teenagers don’t have a lot of impulse control so unless you’ve told her not to use the vanity stool as a step stool, she probably saw it and used it vs walking to get the actual step stools because it was closer and she didn’t think it would be a big deal / it would break. Basically, it doesn’t sound like this is something she did on purpose unless you’re leaving more of this story out.
I’d probably have her pay for the replacement or help pay for it (depending on how expensive it is) and not take away her Christmas gift (that seems cruel) or ground her for the weekend.
Comment by c44b at 11/01/2025 at 21:58 UTC
13 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Maybe there's more to this story, but it seems like she wasn't doing anything malicious, she was just being careless. She wasn't trying to break it was she? Rather she was using it for a task, albeit inappropriately? Those first two punishments are wildly harsh. Seems reasonable to ask her to replace it with her money since she broke something that didn't belong to her.
I'm not going to lie, my knee-jerk here was to feel indignation on your older daughter's behalf, so I can only imagine how she will feel, hopefully you can approach this calmly and fairly.
Comment by Serious-Train8000 at 11/01/2025 at 21:59 UTC
8 upvotes, 2 direct replies
It’s harsh. It sounds like a poor decision not something to be punitive. Are you eager to take away their gift so they can learn that accidents should have punitive consequences.
Flip the tables for a moment what if you accidentally broke something not belonging to you what should your punishment be?
Comment by Ok_Bread_1987 at 11/01/2025 at 22:09 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Is this rage bait? Ground -yourself- for thinking 3 -seperate- punishments were needed and for even for a second considering taking away those tickets.
I bet you'll be back in a few years asking why your adult child blocked you on everything and went no contact.
Comment by Content_Bug5871 at 11/01/2025 at 22:10 UTC
8 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It was a fucking accident are you joking
Comment by Empty_Contribution_6 at 11/01/2025 at 22:03 UTC
7 upvotes, 0 direct replies
It's just a chair. Just make her replace the chair. Don't take away her present
Comment by AllyMayHey92 at 11/01/2025 at 22:07 UTC
5 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Yeah it’s too harsh. A consequence should be logical, making her replace it by working for it is reasonable. Taking away her gift is because you intentionally want to hurt her feelings over it.
I’ve read your responses about her carelessness and I can see that may need to be addressed elsewhere. It could be worth a discussion with her that you initially wanted to take the present away and use that to lead into a further conversation about why you’re all a bit tired of her being careless with things that aren’t hers.
Comment by MattinglyDineen at 11/01/2025 at 21:54 UTC
9 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I think it’s a bit too harsh as she destroyed it through negligence rather than malice. I’d stick with grounding her for the weekend and making her replace the stool.
Comment by distracted_genius at 11/01/2025 at 22:14 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Kiddo is 14. This is a HARD age to parent because they look so much older but they are NOT finished with brain development .. not even close. ESPECIALLY in impulse control.
They also don't have as much life experience AND they're often growing so fast they're not yet used to how much more they weigh.
This does not mean that intention is more important than impact. Kiddo owes sister repair... meaning not just an apology "I'm sorry" but an actual acknowledgement that they caused harm and have remorse. Also, they need to at least contribute to fixing the thing they broke or replacing it if that's not possible.
Remember shame is not a great teacher. It usually teaches them they're not good people, rather than the lesson you're hoping for.
Comment by becomingShay at 11/01/2025 at 22:19 UTC
5 upvotes, 0 direct replies
You proposed all of those rules for her accidentally breaking a stool?
The only one of those punishments that is proportionate to the event that took place, is her having to replace it. To me that’s fair. She’s old enough now to know if she breaks something, she pays to replace it. Plus she has the means to do so as she is making her own money. That is a rational consequence of breaking something of someone else’s.
The other two are not proportionate, and tbh not very rational either. They just seem like needlessly harsh things to do to someone for accidentally breaking something.
We shouldn’t teach our children lessons through our own anger or frustration.
Comment by The-pfefferminz-tea at 11/01/2025 at 22:12 UTC
4 upvotes, 0 direct replies
She broke the stool so she needs to fix/replace it out of her own money. If she doesn’t have money then she needs to work/do chores to earn the cash to replace it. Also, apologizing to her sister is a good move.
Taking away her gift is way overboard.
Comment by FunnyCartographer827 at 11/01/2025 at 22:14 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Eye for an eye: You drive and miss a car in your blind spot. The driver of the other car has a serious injury. Instead of your car insurance paying for their injury, treatment, car etc, the court orders your car be damaged equally and you to be purposely injured the same way. Now it is equal, but was the right thing done? Was justice served?
She stood on a stool that she probably assumed would hold her weight. That’s it. Sure, have her earn money to replace the stool, but you sound like you are punishing out of anger more than out of a desire to correct her future choices. This wasn’t a malicious act. It was a developmentally appropriate misjudgment. Honestly, I hope she recognizes the damage and feels remorse for breaking something of her sister’s, but I am not sure any punishment is needed. If I could simply replace the stool and have a calm talk about why we use step stools versus anything else to stand on.
Comment by 1RandomProfile at 11/01/2025 at 22:25 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
1. I try to make the punishment equal to what was done. This doesn't feel equal as the gift to the younger child is not gone, so why should the older child's be?
2. Unless it was done purposely and maliciously, I would not ground as mistakes happen.
3. However, I do believe that saying "sorry" is not enough for anyone, we each should fix the problem we created, so in this case that would be the older child using their own money to replace the broken stool.
Side note and I don't mean this in a condescending way, but I would do some reflection on what is leading you to apparently overreact. Is it from childhood? Are you feeling the resentment of this happening to you when you were younger, etc? I'd dig deep and figure out where this is coming from for fear you may eventually push away your children as they get older.
Good luck.
Comment by Odd-Reputation-6614 at 11/01/2025 at 22:06 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
I wouldn't take her gift. I understand perhaps grounding her and working to replace it. But the entire vanity was not destroyed, so why take away an entire event for her?
Comment by courtney_hickson at 11/01/2025 at 22:25 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
She didn’t predict this. You said yourself it’s not a pattern. I think the lesson was already learned. Some things have a natural consequence and parents don’t have to impose another. Too harsh. But number 3 if you must.
Comment by Lemonade-grenade1234 at 11/01/2025 at 22:31 UTC
3 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Hey guess what. If your goal is to “punish” instead of to TEACH, you’re a bad parent. And based on your replies, yeah I’m pretty confident you’re a bad parent. Your way of “punishing” is going to result in your daughter resenting you, and likely creating a gap between both kids. if you *actually* want to be a good parent ask yourself what you are trying to TEACH her. If what you want to teach is to ask before using other’s things, then there is a way for that. I would suggest you say, “I understand this was a mistake but we should always ask before we use other people’s things. Also, whether we ask or not, if we damage something that doesn’t belong to us, it’s important to make it right. In this case, we will have you do xyz chores to earn money to replace the stool.” In this scenario, the 14 yr old learns what a consequence is (diff from “punishment”) and also understands that it’s possible to make mistakes and still make things right.
Anyway, hoping you get a therapist one day and deal with whatever happened in your childhood to think that your job is to punish and not to teach :/
Comment by BuffaloMama76 at 11/01/2025 at 22:03 UTC
2 upvotes, 1 direct replies
Yeah, it’s harsh. There’s no reason to take her present away. Have her work to replace the stool. Are the presents only given for good behavior?
Comment by Super_Spud_Eire at 11/01/2025 at 22:20 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
By jaysus that's harsh.
Punishments 2 and 3 are far enough for what she's done. It was an accident, she didn't maliciously break it. Ground her and make her replace the stool, that way you're punishing her actions, and she's replacing what she broke so the 7 year old will have her present back.
Taking away the opportunity to meet an idol is frankly ridiculous, she may never have the same opportunity again and the bitterness she will feel will last a very long time.
Comment by Outrageous-Owl-9666 at 11/01/2025 at 22:28 UTC
2 upvotes, 0 direct replies
Thats beyond harsh! Have her pay for it and apologize and ground, but I would NOT take away her Christmas gift!